Post by doc on Aug 23, 2010 5:20:45 GMT -6
With the same sword they knight you,
They goin' good night you with,
Sh*t, that's only half if they like you,
That ain't even the half what they might do,
Don't believe me? Ask Michael
See Martin, see Malcolm
See Biggie, see Pac,
See success and its outcome
See Jesus, see Judas
See Caesar, see Brutus,
See success is like suicide
Suicide, it's a suicide
If you succeed, prepare to be crucified
Media meddles, n*ggaz sue you, you settle
Every step you take, they remind you you're ghetto
So it's tough being Bobby Brown
To be Bobby then, you have to be Bobby now
And the question is,
"Is to have had and lost
Better than not having at all?"
-Jay-Z's verse from Coldplay's 'Lost' remix
They goin' good night you with,
Sh*t, that's only half if they like you,
That ain't even the half what they might do,
Don't believe me? Ask Michael
See Martin, see Malcolm
See Biggie, see Pac,
See success and its outcome
See Jesus, see Judas
See Caesar, see Brutus,
See success is like suicide
Suicide, it's a suicide
If you succeed, prepare to be crucified
Media meddles, n*ggaz sue you, you settle
Every step you take, they remind you you're ghetto
So it's tough being Bobby Brown
To be Bobby then, you have to be Bobby now
And the question is,
"Is to have had and lost
Better than not having at all?"
-Jay-Z's verse from Coldplay's 'Lost' remix
Even right now, I feel like calling out the Hollands over their letter to Leonard Fox. I feel like saying it was all a PR stunt, and I know I could spin it that way and make them look bad, but why would I do that? I know that's not their intentions deep down. All they want is the chance to earn some respect again, without having everyone shove the Hall of Fame down their throats.
But it's as if there's something inside me that wants to make everyone else look bad. I've been asking myself, why? Why do I even feel the need to insult people who I'm not even facing from time to time? It doesn't make sense, right?
And the deeper I look, the more I realize that a lot of the venom in my words is just a mirror, deflecting every single piece of criticism that I've ever had to put up with in this business.
And I've had to put up with a lot, believe me.
All I ever wanted was to be remembered as the best. I wanted the respect of my peers and the adulation of the people more than I ever cared about titles, power, money. And to an extent, this business has corrupted me, sure. Anyone who's seen half the amount of bull**** I have isn't going to be the same person at the end of it all. But hey, that was XHF, and that's how it was over there. And I wouldn't trade a second of it.
Yeah, I said XHF. Not 'the other company'. I'm sick of being scared to mention a place I loved just to keep other people happy. Go on, shove it down my throat if you like. I came from XHF, it's true. But I never once thought that what I achieved there was worth a damn here, no matter how much other people have suggested otherwise.
But I can't blame everything on the experiences I had over there. Even as recently as a few months ago, when I was here, at nCw, I still wanted nothing more than to earn that respect and be remembered as the best. So I had to dig deeper to find out what had happened to me. And that's when I realized that I was weaker, mentally, than I thought.
Everything I had known at XHF was gone. The respect I had become used to had vanished. I was winning here, just as I was there. But at nCw, there was no response. Nothing. People didn't seem to care, and even though I didn't admit it to myself at the time, it hurt me. So I decided that if I couldn't earn that respect by winning every week, I would take it anyway. I thought being proactive in trying to make a name for myself was the way to go. I would call people out. I would demand big matches if management wouldn't give me them. I would criticize great competitors, not through any fault of their own, but because they were regarded as better than me.
And because I was jealous of that.
So I was weak in the face of the unknown. I crumbled when I should have stayed strong. I changed my ways because I thought it was for the best.. but look at me now. I'm regarded as a tag-team wrestler, someone who could be the next Honor or X-Division champion. I'm regarded as a future National Champion. I'm no longer thought of in the same breath as the world title. I'm no longer considered up there amongst the elite. In pushing myself forward so much, I've went backwards.
After a month or so of living in a drugged-up haze, I came back to reality with people talking to me like a nobody. I didn't even have to face this kind of thing when I first joined nCw, so I didn't expect it now. I could have taken the easy route and requested time off when I knew I wouldn't be able to wrestle at anywhere near my best, but I didn't. I made myself available to compete, even through a low point in my life. But I never once imagined that so many people would take advantage the situation. Let's face it, my opponents were pinning my body to the mat, sure. But Doc wasn't inside. Yet nobody cared. They didn't see it in that light - instead, they just saw me as a joke.
When I finally got clean, my world had turned upside down. I had no will left to wrestle, and it seemed like nobody had the will to see me wrestle either. I was close to slipping back in to the retirement I was enjoying a few months ago before I put my whole legacy on the line to become a success here at nCw. It would have been so easy just to walk away, but somewhere deep down inside of me, a voice asked if I wanted to be remembered as a quitter. And it made me feel sick. After everything I had been through, I was going to be remembered as someone who walked away when the going got tough?
I walked out on nCw once before.
And I'll be damned if I do it again.
So I fought back with everything I had. I struggled through in the face of adversity, just like I've done my whole career. I gave everything I had in the Mini-Riot, but hey, it wasn't good enough. That was fine, but I thought that it would at least make people realize I wasn't the joke they thought I had become.
It didn't.
So it continued with The Hollands. I gave it everything I had, and this time, our team picked up a great win. But still nobody cared. They still saw me as that tag team wrestler, that Honor or X-Division Champion, that future National Champion. It reminded me of when I first started off in XHF, and people were telling me I would never achieve anything. They said I would never win a belt, let alone a belt with any sort of prestige. Experienced wrestlers would come to me backstage and tell me to stop wasting my time, to go home and find another job. Even Mongo himself told me in no uncertain terms that I would never be XHF Champion while he owned the company. I could have quit there and then, and walked away from every moment of disappointment this industry has thrown at me. Back then, my Boyhood Dream was exactly that.
A dream.
But I didn't. I kept going. I worked my f*cking ass off, week after week, year after year, even though the management of the company wanted to hold me down. And sure, they could keep me away from the XHF Title. But even so, I never gave up hope of being remembered as the best, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. So each month I would have the best match on the pay-per-view card. Each month the rivalry between my opponent and I would attract more attention that the main event. Each and every month that they said 'this time, Doc can't win', each and every time they threw the best wrestler they had at me.. I would prove everyone wrong. And I would win. And I would keep winning, year after year, until they finally recognized me as one of the best they had. In the end, no matter how much Mongo wanted to fire me, he couldn't. I was too valuable for him to lose. When ratings where down, it was me who would have that great match to bring them back up.
So surely, after going through all of that to make it to the top, I wasn't hearing it all over again here in nCw? Not when I thought I had already proven myself to be a worthy opponent for anyone in this company? And yeah, it pissed me off to hear everyone treat me like that again. Maybe if you would have been in my shoes, you would understand a little better.
And I guess I took it all out on Leonard Fox. What Fox has to do with any of this though is anybody's guess. Was I so used to blaming Mongo? I don't know, but the truth is this. I couldn't hold the respect of my peers. Fox was just an easy target for my frustration.
I've not been helped by the drug withdrawal. My mood has been jumping all over the place. One day I feel one way, the next day I feel differently. And it'll probably continue for a while yet, even while I try to steer myself in some sort of direction. For the first time in what seems like an eternity, I can feel real emotion in my veins. I can feel the hunger I used to have coming back to me. But at the end of it all, there is only one constant in my life.
My desire to be the best.
And that's why I requested a big match last week. It wasn't out of disrespect for Xavier Cross, Brad Kane, or Adam Knight. It was because I thought that beating any one of those three would put me back in the spotlight. But I didn't think that maybe I was going in over my head. I didn't think about how tough it would actually be when this week rolled around. The thought that maybe I'm not quite back to my best yet after that drug-induced lay off was one which never even crossed my mind.
I know it probably seems like those three guys were nothing more than Front Office targets. But that has nothing to do with it either. I'm through doing someone else's bidding. I'm through insulting the fans who have supported me my whole career through gritted teeth just to fit in with my buddies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not turning my back on the Young Guns. Brad Kane questioned our loyalty together last week, but he doesn't realize that our bond isn't created by our success or failure. I know the people who gave me a chance in my darkest XHF days, and I know those who only started being all nicey-nice once I started winning. My bond with that first group is wholly unconditional. I'll be a Young Gun until they no longer have a use for me, and that's the bottom line. But I will no longer be influenced by the way they act. If they want to beat down other wrestlers as a group, fine. It doesn't mean I have to join in. If they want to call themselves the best on the planet, fine. It's hard to argue with them. But that's not me. Not deep down. I'm someone who prefers to do his talking in the ring. And I can't keep living a lie.
And at the end of the day, I didn't get the match I wanted this week. I could come on air whining about it, but any second that I take my focus off the match I do have is one which makes me less likely to be in with a chance of winning. I don't know whether I was given this match by Leonard Fox as punishment, but I wouldn't be surprised.
Usually, when you ask for a headline opponent to go one-on-one against, and you end up with a triple threat match against Joe Everyman, you're going to scoff and dismiss it. But I'm not blinded by my own self-worth, not any more. I know why Joe is in this match. It's obvious to me that this is a reward for the remarkable improvement he's made in the past few months. So I ask myself - what's more dangerous? Facing one of nCw's established stars in a match where I have nothing to lose and everything to gain? Or facing Joe Everyman, a man who would give everything, everything he has for one solitary victory over me? He knows everything about me, every last one of my accomplishments, and he knows that winning this match could turn his career in to something he has always dreamed of. He's hungrier than any of my three choice opponents would have been.
And that's dangerous.
And then there's Dave Holland. A man who will almost certainly see through Joe Everyman this week and paint a bullseye on my chest. A man who I disrespected for no reason other than jealousy that his reputation here is ten times what mine is. And a man, he will need no reminding, who I defeated two weeks ago.
Dave Holland is a man out for revenge.
It seems like Fox has stacked the deck against me this week. Dave Holland beat one of those very men men who had defeated him two weeks ago just last night on Collision, and looked every bit back to his best in doing so. It's as if nobody can beat the Hollands in nCw and escape without being beaten in return. And this week, the script has already been written. The world will watch as Doc is embarrassed by his own big mouth. The man who called the Brothers Holland 'cannon fodder' just two weeks ago will become nothing but a stepping stone for them on their return to the top.
Is that how it's supposed to play out, Leonard?
Well I've got news for you. Doc is a stepping stone for no-one. If Joe Everyman wants to earn his crack at the big time, great. If Dave Holland wants to beat my ass to bloody pulp until I learn some respect, fine. But it's only going to be that way once every ounce of fight has been taken from my body. Because I'm not interested in the motives of my opponents. They can tell me what they're going to do to me, they can tell me that this week, I will finally learn a lesson I should have learned a long time ago.
I've heard it all before.
But there's no f*cking way that I'm not coming out swinging this week. My time being Leonard Fox's mid-card lackey is over. What both of my opponents need to realize is that this match is much more important for me than it is for them. The Revolution want to see me lose. The Front Office want to see me lose. I'm a man with little friends. I have nothing in this world without the respect I earn in that ring. And this Sunday, I make a statement to the whole of nCw, right around the corner from Road to the Gold, that they can stacks the odds against me as much as the like. They can hand pick any opponent on the roster and wait for me to slip up.
But I wont.
Because I sacrificed everything I had to be the best.
And I'm not prepared to settle for anything less.
