Post by adm on Apr 23, 2009 22:29:23 GMT -6
Part 2 – Of the Terrible Doubt
There is a darkness that has fallen over me. The doubts of my wife have transferred into myself. I am weak, I am not as strong as I should be…and once again I feel as though eyes are watching what I will do next. Eyes from the fans. Eyes from the roster. And eyes from that mysterious figure that always seems to be stalking me. My “Guardian Angel” also known as Homeless Harold. I know he’s out there, every day, watching me from a dark alley somewhere. And this week, he’s watching both me and Steve Awesome…how he finds all that time, is beyond me, but…it’s nothing like the fact that now my wife is watching me, even harder, than before.
“Kristoff, we need to talk about this package you sent me.”
Words I didn’t want to hear from her. But I, as every man who KNOWS they are in trouble, predicted it. I know my wife, very well, and I know when I’m in trouble.
“Yes my darling, Kendra?”
“DON’T YOU DARE TAKE THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME, KRISTOFF! Right now you are in DEEP trouble. What have you been doing to yourself at WORK?”
Yes…my wife is very protective of me. She feels I am not big enough to tend to myself. And now…she knows where those new scars came from…the ones I said were accidental on my last trip home. Yes…great.
“Kendra…listen.”
“I will NOT listen, you have to quit right NOW. I will not allow you to do those things to your body anymore. I’ve seen the things you’ve done in the ring when that stupid title is on the line. You’re going to get yourself KILLED!”
“It’s not that bad, those wounds healed with minimal scarring, Kendra. I’m fine. I’m not really hurt that bad, it’s mostly bruises and things that heal. Nothing serious.”
“Kristoff…taking a dive off a forty-foot Screen is what I’d call serious. Being lit on fire with a barbed-wire briefcase is what I’d call serous. Everything you do in that ring is what I’d call serious.”
“Can I use the excuse I’m a man and I can take it?”
“DON’T YOU DARE! I had TWO of your children, Kristoff, I know what pain is.”
“I know you know what pain is, Kendra. But I promise, I’ll be fine. I won’t get too badly hurt.”
“I still don’t trust you there, Kristoff…I think you should quit. Before you get hurt. I mean look at Dark Prophet, he is larger and more experienced than you and he’s in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, I don’t want that to happen to you. You have two children you have to see grow up, and they need a father. Think about them when you get into the ring on Sunday.”
“I love you, Kendra. No matter what. But I will not give up my dream. But I promise I’ll try to keep from getting seriously injured.”
“I love you too Kristoff…that’s why I’m happy I don’t watch what you do in that ring…I’d get too worried.”
My wife…doubts me. As I hung up the phone my mind goes down the darker path as doubt takes it over. Can I truly best five men in a match where there are no rules? Can I truly out-do men with experience and size advantages? Maybe…I am going to lose this title on Sunday. Maybe this is my last week as the Xtreme champion and my hopes of breaking the longest-reign will be all for naught. My mind…goes down the dark path and I think about a poem.
Of the terrible doubt of appearances,
Of the uncertainty after all, that we may be deluded,
That may-be reliance and hope are but speculations after all,
Yes…perhaps the manic depression of Walt Whitman is right. Maybe it is purely speculation and everyone is making a mountain out of a molehill…but I am up against odds of being out-numbered when four of the five other men are in tag teams. Yes, Gibson, Dirty Deal and Lords of Destruction are going to team up on myself and Joe. Yes, there is virtually no hope for me to retain the title…but perhaps you are underestimating my abilities to persevere amidst great uncertainty. And perhaps…you are WRONG.
“As I sit here in this room, I have gone over the videos everyone else has been producing. And let me say…you are all underestimating me greatly. You forget I am one of only two people to beat Homeless Harold, and I did it not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES. He’s beaten multiple world champions and so have I. There is nothing in the books that says my opponents were in any way “easy”. Sure, many underestimate men like Rob Diamond and Mark Evil because they can’t talk very well. But when you get them in the ring and hand them some weapons, they become animals. Just like I do…even my wife doesn’t know me when I step into that ring, doesn’t that say something? A woman I’ve been married to for seven years, I am unremarkably different when I step into the ring. And you all think, because I am Xtreme champion and have faced a few “lushes” that I am easy fair? Have you not looked at the men I’ve beaten under a microscope? Have you even paid attention to what I do in the ring? Perhaps not. Even an experienced Xtreme wrestler like Sexy Jason has underestimated me. But still, I have my doubts.”
Doubts that rip through my soul like a fire that engulfs everything in its path. Doubts that can cast me into the fires of hell were they doubts against the existence of God. I am a man stricken with doubt…and until Sunday, I may not be able to remove it. Because perhaps they are right, perhaps my opponents have the right idea judging me so unfairly. Not looking at anything besides the men I’ve faced, supposedly, and not understanding Harold. They underestimate me and cast me into a sea of doubt that nothing appears to be able to penetrate.
Doubts…that even the fans have cast upon me. As an unexpected behavior I’ve been getting fan letters a lot lately. Usually they want an autograph, wishing me good luck, but lately…
“Dear Kristoff Liam Bates. I’m a 12 year-old boy who watches nCw and I heard about your match at A Night to Remember. I usually root for you in matches, but I don’t think you can beat five other guys. Hopefully they put you somewhere good if you lose, though, you’re too good for the Xtreme division. Sincerely, Jimmy Nolan.”
“Dear Kristoff. I watch nCw all the time and even though I get picked on at my high-school for it, I root for you. But this time, I smell a setup. They are putting you up against tag-teams? They are going to cheat, just to get that title off you before you beat Sexy Jason’s record. That’s wrong, but I don’t think you can do anything to stop it. Hopefully you get a shot at the World Champion next, you have earned it.”
So many people hoping I lose…how can I possibly win? Then I stumble upon a letter…one that seems to be written in such familiar handwriting.
“Dear Mr. Bates. I know I’m not going to be able to watch your match at the Pay Per View but I root for you every time you’re there. I’m having my mommy help me write this letter because I know it would mean a lot to you to get it. I don’t know if you know, but you know me. You are my hero. And I’m sure you’re going to do great, even if you lose, we’ll still keep rooting for you. Even if mommy says something, she doesn’t always mean it. She’s just worried. Love…Andrew Bates.”
My own son had my wife…his mother; help him write a letter to me? My children…they will love me even if I lose. They don’t care…they just want their father to be happy. And I am happy, just being here. But still I doubt whether or not I can win and defend my title once again. I hold the Xtreme title onto my shoulder as I sit in my hotel room. I wonder about what is being said about me. About my opponents…and I think about the descent into Hell we will be undertaking.
“Today we continue our descent into Hell. We are closer than ever to the end of the world. The world ends at A Night To Remember, for none of us in this match will ever be the same. We will destroy one another, and the blood in our bodies will be spilled all over the arena. Only one will walk out with this title, but that one person will have earned the right to be called Xtreme Champion. Will I win? Probably not. I have five other men in this ring to battle and I don’t even need to be pinned to lose. Two tag teams that will undoubtedly help one another. Then there is Joe Everyman, the man on his Xtreme Ascension. But if he ascends at A Night to Remember, he cuts my reign off two weeks shy of beating the record Sexy Jason set over a year ago. I, today, stand at sixty-eight days holding this title and I only need another seventeen to beat the current record. Two weeks from the Pay Per View I could do it. But Joe Everyman is one of five challengers. Five people I have only one shot at defeating. Five people who don’t even have to pin me to win. The blood will be colossal. The pain will be unbearable. The devastation and destruction will be catastrophic and incalculable. A Night to Remember it will truly be. And I am still in doubt. Doubt of myself. Doubt of my abilities. And doubt of my retaining this title for just one more week.”
I stand mere days before the biggest battle of my Xtreme Title reign. I stand just days before the shadow over my life overtakes me. One night…and all I need to do is survive. Victory is not assured. My title is at stake. And so is my life. They will not just try to beat me, they will surely try to kill me, if only to keep me from going beyond the Xtreme division onto bigger and better things should I lose. This is a difficult day, as I promised my wife…I promised her I’d not get hurt. Perhaps I should call her to my side after this Pay Per View so she can watch over me. So she can help keep me from overexerting myself…or perhaps she’d just be in danger of being used against me.
“I do not know who will step out of the ring the champion. I cannot even begin to predict I will walk out the winner. For now I see, that in this shadow of doubt I live. I fear this Terrible Doubt. I fear this match. I fear I will not be able to go home to my wife and children. I fear the idiocy that has taken over JackHammer has left him blind to the plight of nCw and the fact that his arrogance and self insecurities are harming his chances at this title I hold. I fear for the things Joe Everyman has done and will do in the future on his path of Xtreme Ascension. I fear Sexy Jason and his pursuit to keep me from breaking his record as well as becoming the first two-time Xtreme Champion. I fear Ron Gibson and his dark southern humor based upon racism and stereotypes. I fear Curtis Kanyon and his inability to form complete thoughts this week. I fear so many things…and dread the match even more as each moment passes by. Indeed…I am on my way to the Gallows.”
And though I walk to the gallows on Sunday…I am walking down a path right now. A path into the abyss, into Hell. Yes…indeed I am walking, and the destination is clear. A Night to Remember will be the great battle for this title, for this era. Win or Lose, it will be the greatest match of my career to date. And yet I doubt…myself…my abilities…God help me. I doubt myself still.