Post by Ayla St. James on Jul 30, 2011 4:25:20 GMT -6
Ayla was sitting...
Everyone was here. Rayne was standing in the forefront, to the left. Her hands worked the heavy bag, comboing jabs and crosses, hooks and elbows. She was working on adding in legwork to improve her strike repitoire, and make her a more devastating force than she already was.
But Ayla, was sitting...
In the background, Falcon was running around a ring, vaulting the ropes, leaping to the top of the turnbuckle. It kept his speed and agility at it's peak.
Ayla was sitting..
And thinking...
About the past...
There's a part of my life.. my history that I've never told anyone. People think my depression that was well documented on camera last year was caused by Cleopatra. Which is only half true. Truthfully I've suffered with it my whole life. I've perfected playing this airheaded bimbo even when the cameras are off. Because if I didn't..
I don't think I'd ever stop crying. [/i]
There's always been a void in me. A suffocating darkness that pulls me down. Maybe it was caused by my low self esteem. Maybe it was caused by men always trying to "hit it and quit it". Maybe it was caused by the evil looks, whispered rumors and mean things written on bathroom stalls I've dealt with my whole life. Or maybe..
It was the cause of all of it. [/i]
I never feel comfortable in my own skin. I can never trust when someone says anything nice about me. I never know why.. it's just the way I feel. I wore layers of make up because I thought it made me look pretty. I got breast implants because I thought it made me sexy. I got a job as an actress because I liked pretending to be other people. It gave me an excuse to not be me for a day.
But it doesn't last forever. [/i]
I started doing commercials, and that didn't help. I had bit parts in a few movies, but those don't stay. Then.. I discovered the soap opera. I could be one person, every day.. I was no longer Ayla St. James, I was Veronique Lamonde. And I could pretend my life was the way I wanted it to be.
Until... [/i]
It all came crashing down. I finally thought I had a man who loved me for who I was. And then I was told to go away. Never return. So, I did the next best thing. I joined a wrestling school. Where I could develop a new persona.. "gimmick" as it were. I could change what I wanted about myself on a whim, and people would just accept it. But then..
I was told to be myself. [/i]
I.. I tried to.. So hard I tried to be me. But I couldn't remember who I was. Cleo found me, and convinced me that she could help me remember the woman I had been. But.. it was a lie. She wanted to use me.. to spread her influence. First sicking me after Zelda like some lap dog. Then when I failed she kicked me to the curb. Broken.. alone.. I suffered..
But that was nothing new to me. [/i]
I reached out.. finding someone.. anyone to try and cling to. I needed to know that there was someone.. anyone.. beside me. I didn't care who. It didn't matter if I had to sell my body for it, just as long as someone was there to remind me I wasn't alone. But Sandy..
She showed me that you're never alone. [/i]
Sandy saved me from the abyss. Though she doesn't know it. She probably will after this airs but.. hopefully I'll be able to tell her thank you before then. She showed me that not everyone was out to use me. That not everyone was out to take what they want from me and discard me like a doll. That I wasn't some plaything. No...
She showed me what it means to be a woman. [/i]
I don't really know what this means. But for the first time, I don't feel panic when the people around me leave the room. I don't have a tightening in my gut when nobody is talking to me. I don't feel like the world is caving around me so much that I have to call someone just to make sure the ground is stable beneath my feet.
No longer does being alone mean not feeling alive. [/i]
Sandy.. Kyle.. even Simon and Ashlie.. and yes, maybe even Josie a little. Since being around them, I find myself listening more than talking. Smiling more than faking.
That's a gift I can never repay. [/i]
Sandy has been my rock. Giving advice instead of a lecture. Leaning on me when she needs to, and supporting me when I need her. She truly only has my best interests at heart.
Thank you, Sandy. Sorry for being such a mess. [/i]
Kyle has been a saint. Protecting me when I'm scared. Standing beside me when I feel the world bearing down. He doesn't even really know me, and yet he's never shunned me.
Thank you, Kyle. Sorry for being such a bother. [/i]
Kyle said.. when you were feeling down and couldn't express how you felt. Somewhere, there was a song that told the world exactly how you felt. Here's mine.. One thousand apologies. For everyone who was ever true to me, that I couldn't see. For everyone who was being nice, because they meant it. For everyone who reached out that I pulled away from.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry.
XOXOXO
Ayla [/i]
There, now that all of you know me.. I mean really know me.. Now I hope you'll understand what I'm coming from. That being said.. let me ask the two of you something.
When's the last time either of you made a sacrifice?
That's not a point I'm trying to make, it's an honest question. Because right now, the way I look at it, there's two sides to both of your coins. The real, and what you tell people is real..
Shelly tells people that she's always been destined to be this champion wrestler. She'll remind people that she did step into the ring long before there was a women's division where she took on Ricky and Roxi. She'll make the point that Starlet is just a word, and nobody should be upset about it. But as Rayne said.. where were you when this started? Where were you when Zelda was standing atop her mountain, demanding better competition? Someone who talks like you do. Someone who has such a high "breed" should have been chomping at the bit, just waiting for the day she was cleared to compete. But that clearly wasn't the case.
So where were you?
You were sitting backstage, watching Alex wrestle. You were watching us to the work, watching us lay the foundations. Why? To reach in and grab the spoils? To wait until your only real competition would be half ass it Newborn and a former porn Star?
And we're supposed to believe you're the second coming of Zelda right?
Give me a break.
You have no pride. I didn't see you begging Angel for a spot on the roster. If you had any real pride at all, his answering machine would have been filled with twice as many messages, and only half of them would be mine. You're a vulture Shelly. Just sitting around waiting in the wings for someone to do all the heavy lifting. You've done it your whole life. Attaching yourself to your brothers or your husband. Making sure your seen. Trust me honey, I know the type. I lived it.
Look no further than your little hyphenated name. Taylor-Jones.. You can't even be proud to be the wife of a wrestler without keeping your maiden name to remind us all that your brothers are also wrestlers. You spend all this time giving people reasons why we "shouldn't mess with the strong style starlet".
Well, you want to defend the name Starlet. Be my guest. We offered you the chance to not be one of them. We would have gladly left you alone. But you want to throw your hat in with Mandi, it doesn't matter to us. Talk is cheap, and action costs. We're willing to pay our bills again. And Mandi found out the hard way the price of action. Side with her, and we'll gladly show you too.
No hard feelings, kay?
Speaking of Mandi, here's the thing girly. You want to stand up and fight for what you believe in, that's all well and good. But you might want to make sure you.. oh gee, I dunno..
Actually believe in it first.
You talk about all this sacrifice you've made. But what ****ing sacrifices have you put in? Washing Steves tights doesn't count as being an on the road wrestler. Are you referring to that whole plot to "betray" Steve you pulled with Xander?
Yea, how'd that work out?
Face it girly. You are exactly everything we said you were. A trussed up doll, made to look pretty for the camera. Following Steve around like some love struck groupie is nowhere near the same as dragging a bag to a hotel room at 4 a.m., then waking up at 6 to train because you have a wrestling match later that night.
You aren't fooling anyone.
You have sacrificed nothing.
We may applaud you for taking a stand. But somehow I doubt you're even taking the stand on your own. Something tells me a little voice is whispering into your ear that this is a good idea. Some little voice called the marketing and promotions department. The same little voice that came up with the idea of wrestling in pudding, or the epically retarded bra and panties match. So, congratulations..
Even when you're standing up for yourself, someone else is still telling you what to do.
But hey, if you're too dumb to see it, don't let me stop you. You're probably going to make some comparison, try to tell me that I have no right to talk. But I've faced my demons, I've battled them more times than Steve has left in the morning without calling. I know what you are..
And that's why I'll kill it inside you..
Or break you trying.
But again, no hard feelings, kay?
Love and kisses,
Ayla.
Everyone was here. Rayne was standing in the forefront, to the left. Her hands worked the heavy bag, comboing jabs and crosses, hooks and elbows. She was working on adding in legwork to improve her strike repitoire, and make her a more devastating force than she already was.
But Ayla, was sitting...
In the background, Falcon was running around a ring, vaulting the ropes, leaping to the top of the turnbuckle. It kept his speed and agility at it's peak.
Ayla was sitting..
And thinking...
About the past...
There's a part of my life.. my history that I've never told anyone. People think my depression that was well documented on camera last year was caused by Cleopatra. Which is only half true. Truthfully I've suffered with it my whole life. I've perfected playing this airheaded bimbo even when the cameras are off. Because if I didn't..
I don't think I'd ever stop crying. [/i]
There you stood in disbelief, trying all you could to see through these lies.
There's always been a void in me. A suffocating darkness that pulls me down. Maybe it was caused by my low self esteem. Maybe it was caused by men always trying to "hit it and quit it". Maybe it was caused by the evil looks, whispered rumors and mean things written on bathroom stalls I've dealt with my whole life. Or maybe..
It was the cause of all of it. [/i]
And every word that I could breath.. would find you more inclined to leave, but I tried.
I never feel comfortable in my own skin. I can never trust when someone says anything nice about me. I never know why.. it's just the way I feel. I wore layers of make up because I thought it made me look pretty. I got breast implants because I thought it made me sexy. I got a job as an actress because I liked pretending to be other people. It gave me an excuse to not be me for a day.
But it doesn't last forever. [/i]
And knowing what I've done to you. With every thought you suffer through. My heart is black as evil can.
[/center]I started doing commercials, and that didn't help. I had bit parts in a few movies, but those don't stay. Then.. I discovered the soap opera. I could be one person, every day.. I was no longer Ayla St. James, I was Veronique Lamonde. And I could pretend my life was the way I wanted it to be.
Until... [/i]
And Everything I could have been. Erased by what I wanted then. I couldn't think a lesser man.
[/center]It all came crashing down. I finally thought I had a man who loved me for who I was. And then I was told to go away. Never return. So, I did the next best thing. I joined a wrestling school. Where I could develop a new persona.. "gimmick" as it were. I could change what I wanted about myself on a whim, and people would just accept it. But then..
I was told to be myself. [/i]
All the delicate ways I have deepened our graves. My apology pales.
[/center]I.. I tried to.. So hard I tried to be me. But I couldn't remember who I was. Cleo found me, and convinced me that she could help me remember the woman I had been. But.. it was a lie. She wanted to use me.. to spread her influence. First sicking me after Zelda like some lap dog. Then when I failed she kicked me to the curb. Broken.. alone.. I suffered..
But that was nothing new to me. [/i]
All the pain in your eyes, my regrets have never known such sorrow.
[/center]I reached out.. finding someone.. anyone to try and cling to. I needed to know that there was someone.. anyone.. beside me. I didn't care who. It didn't matter if I had to sell my body for it, just as long as someone was there to remind me I wasn't alone. But Sandy..
She showed me that you're never alone. [/i]
Oh the shame that you hide. Resolutions are the same tomorrow.
[/center]Sandy saved me from the abyss. Though she doesn't know it. She probably will after this airs but.. hopefully I'll be able to tell her thank you before then. She showed me that not everyone was out to use me. That not everyone was out to take what they want from me and discard me like a doll. That I wasn't some plaything. No...
She showed me what it means to be a woman. [/i]
So now I reap what I have sewn, and any rapture I have shown is bled dry.
[/center]I don't really know what this means. But for the first time, I don't feel panic when the people around me leave the room. I don't have a tightening in my gut when nobody is talking to me. I don't feel like the world is caving around me so much that I have to call someone just to make sure the ground is stable beneath my feet.
No longer does being alone mean not feeling alive. [/i]
And I walk the streets alone, accepting pain I've never known, as you died.
[/center]Sandy.. Kyle.. even Simon and Ashlie.. and yes, maybe even Josie a little. Since being around them, I find myself listening more than talking. Smiling more than faking.
That's a gift I can never repay. [/i]
I hurt myself to see it too. To feel the knife I put in you. My heart is broken as my ways.
[/center]Sandy has been my rock. Giving advice instead of a lecture. Leaning on me when she needs to, and supporting me when I need her. She truly only has my best interests at heart.
Thank you, Sandy. Sorry for being such a mess. [/i]
I never should have let it pass. This fall was never meant to last. The reason gone and damage stays.
[/center]Kyle has been a saint. Protecting me when I'm scared. Standing beside me when I feel the world bearing down. He doesn't even really know me, and yet he's never shunned me.
Thank you, Kyle. Sorry for being such a bother. [/i]
All the delicate ways that I've deepened our graves. My apology pales.
[/center]Kyle said.. when you were feeling down and couldn't express how you felt. Somewhere, there was a song that told the world exactly how you felt. Here's mine.. One thousand apologies. For everyone who was ever true to me, that I couldn't see. For everyone who was being nice, because they meant it. For everyone who reached out that I pulled away from.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry.
XOXOXO
Ayla [/i]
Transition
[/center]There, now that all of you know me.. I mean really know me.. Now I hope you'll understand what I'm coming from. That being said.. let me ask the two of you something.
When's the last time either of you made a sacrifice?
That's not a point I'm trying to make, it's an honest question. Because right now, the way I look at it, there's two sides to both of your coins. The real, and what you tell people is real..
Shelly tells people that she's always been destined to be this champion wrestler. She'll remind people that she did step into the ring long before there was a women's division where she took on Ricky and Roxi. She'll make the point that Starlet is just a word, and nobody should be upset about it. But as Rayne said.. where were you when this started? Where were you when Zelda was standing atop her mountain, demanding better competition? Someone who talks like you do. Someone who has such a high "breed" should have been chomping at the bit, just waiting for the day she was cleared to compete. But that clearly wasn't the case.
So where were you?
You were sitting backstage, watching Alex wrestle. You were watching us to the work, watching us lay the foundations. Why? To reach in and grab the spoils? To wait until your only real competition would be half ass it Newborn and a former porn Star?
And we're supposed to believe you're the second coming of Zelda right?
Give me a break.
You have no pride. I didn't see you begging Angel for a spot on the roster. If you had any real pride at all, his answering machine would have been filled with twice as many messages, and only half of them would be mine. You're a vulture Shelly. Just sitting around waiting in the wings for someone to do all the heavy lifting. You've done it your whole life. Attaching yourself to your brothers or your husband. Making sure your seen. Trust me honey, I know the type. I lived it.
Look no further than your little hyphenated name. Taylor-Jones.. You can't even be proud to be the wife of a wrestler without keeping your maiden name to remind us all that your brothers are also wrestlers. You spend all this time giving people reasons why we "shouldn't mess with the strong style starlet".
Well, you want to defend the name Starlet. Be my guest. We offered you the chance to not be one of them. We would have gladly left you alone. But you want to throw your hat in with Mandi, it doesn't matter to us. Talk is cheap, and action costs. We're willing to pay our bills again. And Mandi found out the hard way the price of action. Side with her, and we'll gladly show you too.
No hard feelings, kay?
Speaking of Mandi, here's the thing girly. You want to stand up and fight for what you believe in, that's all well and good. But you might want to make sure you.. oh gee, I dunno..
Actually believe in it first.
You talk about all this sacrifice you've made. But what ****ing sacrifices have you put in? Washing Steves tights doesn't count as being an on the road wrestler. Are you referring to that whole plot to "betray" Steve you pulled with Xander?
Yea, how'd that work out?
Face it girly. You are exactly everything we said you were. A trussed up doll, made to look pretty for the camera. Following Steve around like some love struck groupie is nowhere near the same as dragging a bag to a hotel room at 4 a.m., then waking up at 6 to train because you have a wrestling match later that night.
You aren't fooling anyone.
You have sacrificed nothing.
We may applaud you for taking a stand. But somehow I doubt you're even taking the stand on your own. Something tells me a little voice is whispering into your ear that this is a good idea. Some little voice called the marketing and promotions department. The same little voice that came up with the idea of wrestling in pudding, or the epically retarded bra and panties match. So, congratulations..
Even when you're standing up for yourself, someone else is still telling you what to do.
But hey, if you're too dumb to see it, don't let me stop you. You're probably going to make some comparison, try to tell me that I have no right to talk. But I've faced my demons, I've battled them more times than Steve has left in the morning without calling. I know what you are..
And that's why I'll kill it inside you..
Or break you trying.
But again, no hard feelings, kay?
Love and kisses,
Ayla.