Post by Philip Burns on Sept 27, 2008 22:14:24 GMT -6
The screen suddenly opens up with a top view of Stephen Colbert’s desk and the sound of a screeching eagle.
Colbert: Tonight! I sit down with pro wrestler Philip Burns to talk about his organizations drive to get young people to register and vote. I’ll ask him why he doesn’t just arm bar them all and force them to. Then! (The camera switches to a side view and Stephen follows it) I’ll ask him to show me some moves. I hope he doesn’t make me angry. It’s been years since I have had to use the Colbert Claw! (The camera switches to a front view) Now making its way to the TV, weighing in at a crushing, wait, Jimmy? How much does this set weigh? Oh well, THIS is the Colbert Report!
The familiar opening of The Report rolls in with one notable difference being the words “Internet Only” being added to the logo. The Audience is going wild for Stephen who coaxes them into yelling even louder. When they finally settle down he is ready to begin.
Stephen: Thank you! Thank you so much Nation! I am so full of it today. It, of course, meaning life. Who would not want to come in to work on what is typically their day off? I mean seriously! I work half an hour, four day a week! What does the network want from me? My blood?! But I guess it’s not all that bad. The economy is on a down turn and I have lost just about everything. That’s what I get for keeping my extra cash in a boat in Texas when the stocks went on a downturn. So needless to say I am working every day that I get a chance. My mattress isn’t going to get full of cash by itself! (Stephen turns to face another camera) But there is some good news. The upcoming election is shaping up to be more and more important as we go along. Now not only will the next president decide our future in Iraq, but also possibly lead us into a depression or out of a recession. Happy days are here again! Maybe… Eventually. I guess it’s just me and my Emmy riding out the days until our country is healthy again. My Emmy is all I have, and My Wife and Kids; that’s a good show. Oh, and my actual wife and kids.
But not everything is bad. With the monumental election coming up and the promise of change on the horizon, more and more young people are voting. Soon the polls are going littered with Starbucks cups and teenagers accessing the Wi-Fi hotspots. I won’t lie. The internets scare me. That’s why I have decided to face my fear and have this episode exclusively on the web. Hopefully that will keep old people from watching it. Here to talk about his companies drive to get more young voters at the polls and talk about his upcoming match this Sunday, pro wrestler Philip Burns! The fightin Burns!
Stephen takes off running toward the interview area as the music plays. The crowd is whipped into frenzy as Stephen runs by high fiving them. Phil sits in the interview area laughing at the spectacle. Stephen Suggests that Phil does the same so he gets up and the crowd is even louder and he runs by slapping hands with several people in attendance. They both settle down and finally make their way to the seats. Stephen is noticeably out of breath.
Stephen: sir thank you for coming. I know you have a lot to prepare for this weekend so thank you for your time. Now a lot of people are probably not familiar with you or your body of work. The company you work for isn’t considered on the top level of professional wrestling just yet so maybe give us some insight as to who you are and what this company is doing.
Burns: (not out of breath at all) Well Stephen my name is Philip Burns obviously and I am currently under contract with nCw or New Championship Wrestling. This weekend marks the anniversary of our first pay-per-view event which I was a part of. The event is called Road to the Gold and is the culmination of a tournament for our top championship belt, among other things. The company has been around for a little over a year now so yes we are not at the top of the food chain yet; Emphasis on YET. We have a lot of awesome talent on our shows, and some of the best matches. We do have a very large following and I am hoping to use that to my advantage in this voter drive. I myself am barely into my thirties so I remember just a few years ago when voting really didn’t seem that important to me. I think it was eight to be exact. That was something a have come to regret as least twice since then. I have taken an active role in politics in recent months. Myself and a few of the younger employees of nCw have been trying to spread the word that no matter what your affiliation is, we want you at the polls in November doing your thing. I am hoping to use the moderate success that both the company and I have had as a platform to reach the youth of America or any other nation to step up and vote. And hopefully tonight we will especially reach the Colbert Nation.
Stephen: Then you have certainly come to the right forum to reach the Colbert Nation. I don’t know if you’ve heard but I kind of have a special bond with them.
Burns: (chuckling) I had heard that somewhere.
Stephen: So you travel the country every week brutalizing other guys and when you are not busy doing that you seem to find time to carry out a cause that is both noble and ever important in today’s society. It is getting harder and harder for me to nail you on something. You have got to give me something to go on here.
Burns: I don’t know if I should do that. Umm… well I didn’t win the tournament last year. I lost to the guy who ended up taken the belt home.
Stephen: Well surely there’s no shame in that. Not everyone starts out of top. I worked in a sh*thole called the Daily Show for years. So tell me more about this tournament. Tell me the back story on this. How far in is it and whatnot?
Burns: Last year Road to the Gold was out first big event. No champions had been crowned up until that point and a tournament was held with the finals crowning the World Champion. I didn’t make it that far. I made it to the semi-finals and got beaten by a guy named Lance Ryan who went on to win. He even became the leader of a group that I was a part of for a short time. I haven’t really been in the title picture at all this past year really. I haven’t had any shots for any belts and it’s really made me hungry for it. Right now I am pretty psyched about this. I am in the finals, but this year since there is already a World Champion the tournament will grant a title shot to the winner. The only problem is that the shot will be granted on the same night. So basically I have to beat two people to get to this belt. Its high stakes but I am damn sure that I am ready.
Stephen: Sounds like you could use my Captain America shield or maybe sweetness.
Burns: sweetness?
Stephen: Oh, that’s my gun. I was joking. I love you sweetness.
Burns: (caught off guard and startled) What?
Stephen: (trying to recover) Nothing! So you potentially have two matches this Sunday. Tell me something about these guys you are up against. Surely these are some world class athletes.
Burns: Well up first is a guy with a gambling fetish named “The Ace”. This is a guy I have met more than once. About a year ago he put me out with a sledgehammer to the face. That’s where I got a couple of these scars here. I eventually came back and beat him clean. I’ve been in and out of nCw a few times due to various reasons whether it be injury or a career setback but so far I would consider this guy my “nemesis” so to speak. We haven’t been in the same ring in about a year so I am anxious to shut him up. He has pretty much told me that I have never beaten anybody worth anything.
Stephen: (confused) Well I thought you just said you beat him clean last year.
Burns: I did.
Stephen: Well this guy clearly operates on the same rules as John McCain. Why say the things you mean when trying to clear up the things you didnt mean to say is so much more fun?
Burns: I'm trying to decide whether he is egotistical or hates himself. On the one hand he sure likes to talk a lot about how awesome he is and on the other hand he thinks I can only beat people who are worth nothing. It’s very confusing. What I think it is that he has spent so long being the guy who just takes what you say and turns it around that he gets ahead of himself when he tries to be original. He just doesn’t have to brain power. He probably would if he weren’t so worried about being “The Ace” twenty-four seven. I mean this guy has a kid name Solitaire. I think he probably masturbates to Casino Royale. He is so obsessed with his persona I guess.
For example my nickname or moniker is “The Burning” and my last name is Burns. It’s been that way for years but it has nothing to do with flames or anything. I never use fire as a visual aide or anything. But all this guy can talk about it candles and things being on fire. I am really not impressed. He can’t let it go. I didn’t give myself “The Burning” as a name. I don’t walk around naming my kids “torchy” or “second degree”. Seriously, man. If he tries to stick a playing card in my pants I am going to press charges.
Stephen: (laughing, yet disturbed) Wow, the thought of the Casino Royale comment is boaring its way to my brain. I can’t get it out. So this guy has a problem with you for no real reason.
Burns: Apparently. I really have no idea why he has a problem. He hit me with a hammer last year. I beat him. I don’t see why we have to be like this. He calls me out on the times I have used weapons like I am perfect. Yes I am all about sportsmanship, and I crusade for the cause, but hey everybody has a lapse or a fault. Do as I say not as I do. I am working on making myself better. Let me worry about that.
Stephen: And the other guy, the champion. What about him?
Burns: Well our current champion is Steve Awesome. He and Ace are supposedly friends. From what The Ace said first they are friends and apparently hang out in a shared locker room nearly a week before the event even takes place. Seriously who hangs out in a locker room in the middle of the week? I don’t even think the crew had set up by that point. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I mean I got home when I get the chance. Then again he apparently has things on his mind other than a normal family life. He broadcasts his affairs on TV for everyone to see and apparently is married to the dumbest woman ever if she doesn’t see what’s going on. But I do plan on addressing him this weekend so I guess all I really want to tell you about him right now is that hopefully he is soon to be the former World Champion and he is a huge piece of crap who doesn’t give me any credit as a competitor at all.
Stephen: I noticed. I did some research when I learned you were going to be on the show and it seems neither one of these guys are giving you any credit.
Burns: And that is exactly why I will hand them each a burn notice at Road to the Gold. Underestimation is a sign of cockiness; and both are traits I consider to be weaknesses.
Stephen extends his hand to Philip.
Stephen: Well Mr. Burns, that sounds like an awesome plan. I can’t wait to see that. Give them hell!
Burns: (confidently) Well now that I have the “Colbert Bump” it is going to be a lot easier to pick up the W.
Stephen: well there you go! (They shake hands) The man is Philip Burns, you can learn more about his youth voting program on his official website and you can see him in action this Sunday as nCw presents: Road to the Gold on pay-per-view! We’ll be right back with an author who definately cannot piledrive me into oblivion!
They lean in and exchange some inaudible words as the camera pulls back and eventually fades to black.