Post by Philip Burns on Dec 6, 2008 6:42:55 GMT -6
The setting for this scene is a smoky room. To the side is a small card table wit three figures around it. One is Philip Burns, one is JP Rush, and the other is surprisingly The News. News is wearing dealer's visor and wielding a large size cigar. The card game being played is unknown and it seems to not have any official rules. We come in to the conversation:
News: So Burns why exactly did you invite me here tonight after all the bad blood between us? You punched me in the back of the head after all...
Burns: Well News, we have known each other for too long for that. Work got in the way of our friendship and now thats not a problem. And plus you are the only one who doesn't judge me when I get drunk and play non-existent card games.
News: Thats true, I do love the dealer tips I get just for sitting here! But why the hell does this place smell of wine and cheap perfume?
JP Rush has grown impatient with the delay in the game. Although they just made it up moments ago, he is playing like a pro. He is playing for keeps.
JP Rush: Alright Burns, I see your Mark Evil trading card you put down but I have this: Tommy the Cat! Beat that!
Burns: JP, man that doesn't make sense. How is Tommy better than Mark?
JP: Because I said.
Burns: Well thats dumb. Mark Evil is a former champion!
JP: But Tommy the Cat always lands on his feet...
Burns: ...What? I hope you are not implying that he is an actual cat. Only a moron would make that mistake.
News: Ha. That is pretty dumb!
JP: Alright! Dammit now! Ill play the Joe Everyman card then.
Burns: See that works. I am surprised you could find that card though.
Both men stare intently at their hand of cards. Neither of them knows the rules to this made up game, but I am pretty sure that empty bottle of Wild Turkey has something to do with it. Still staring at his cards, JP Rush engages in casual conversation with Burns.
JP: Hey did you see what our pal Jimmy was up to? He was spouting off some bullcrap about you wearing fancy clothes and being scared of weapons. I really don't know what the hell he was saying. I get this horrible ringing in my ears every time he talks.
Burns: Yeah tell me about it. Ive been listening to him for a long time now. I cant believe he was saying all that crap. My JC Penny dress shirt and my Wal-Mart aviator shades are just too damn fancy for him. You don't have to spend a ton of money to look good. Anyone living in the real world could tell you that. Am I fighting Jimmy Zane or my comrade Homeless Harold?
Homeless Harold sits up on the couch abruptly.
HH: You rang?
News: No! Go back to bed you bum!
Harold mumbles to himself, scratches his own ass and slips back under the blanket, drifting back to his dream land.
News: Dude that guy gives me the creeps. He always smells funny and I cant stand to be around him. One time I gave him a dollar to just leave the F alone.
Burns: Well he is homeless, you cant expect him to be the shiniest penny in the pig. Leave him alone man. I'm letting him crash here until we have to head out for the show.
News: What? I was talking about Jimmy Zane...
Burns: Oh. Hmm. Oddly enough, that makes a lot of sense. I don't see how he can run his mouth so much without realizing he sounds like a dummy. I would catch myself after a few sentences at least. Then he whips out his photo album of dumb memories nobody could care about. I know who your dad is dude, I just don't care.
JP: I hate to dwell on this guy but my favorite part is when he said that all you did was talk about yourself. I watched your segment and it seemed to me like you talked all about him and the match. But then again there is only video proof, so I'm sure he has a strong case.
News: well Gents, what about claiming that Mr. Burns here is trying to bait him into not using weapons? That seemed like a dumb thing to say. I mean the whole point is to show him up. I mean you are counting on him using weapons. That like saying you would hand Homeless Harold a sandwich to trick him into not eating it. What the H, man?
Burns: Did you just say what the H? And earlier did you say what the F?
News: Yea man, I know its weird. But the new wife insists that I cut down on the swearing and Honcho has already threatened to wash my mouth out with soap if I didn't.
Burns: Haven't you reached the legal limit for marriages?
JP: There's a limit?
News: Yep big man, in my state it is seven. But evidently two of mine didn't count because I had never actually gotten divorces from my previous wives. So I still have one more after this one...
JP: Oh, well choose carefully then.
News: oh no doubt broseph.
Burns: I think we are a little off track here. This Zane guy, I wonder if he even listens to what I say? I never said I was the most original thing in the world, just that he isn't. I don't get him. He is freaking me out.
JP: Thats because you have Coulrophobia man.
News: What the hell is that? Fear of small spaces? What does that have to do with it?
JP: No Newsy, its fear of clowns. Phil here doesn't like the circus folk.
Burns: NO! I'm not scared of clowns; I am enraged by them! Theres a huge difference. But it doesn't matter because he quit doing that when his retardation healed. Didn't you hear that part?
Burns lays down a Milo Holland card, much to the dismay of JP Rush. JP is taken aback for a moment and tries to carefully select his next card. JP tries to remain serious but cannot help laughing at Burns' comment.
JP: Oh yea, I had forgotten about that. Apparently you beat him retarded and he acted like a dumb ass for a while, but he is better now.
News: I would ask to see a doctors release note on that one. He is pretty retarded. And everyone knows you don't go full retard.
Burns: How many times are we able to say retard before this isn't allowed to air?
News: This is the Internet man, this camera is taping for the series of tubes that Al Gore invented. There are no rules on the 'net.
Burns: Oh, well in that case what the F*ck is this retard's problem?
JP: Well apparently you made him retarded. I would say that is his problem.
JP finally finds a card to beat the Milo, its the Kelly Fox card.
[/color]Burns: You bitch! But yeah I can see how it would be a big problem. So you're telling me the nCw trainer cleared him to wrestle with schizophrenia? I doubt that. It sounds like he is trying to cover his ass and trying not to look like a retard by claiming he was retarded.
News: Can we please stop saying that? My wife has a handicapped son and I don't want this getting back to that little retard. He is strong!
JP: That was wrong on so many levels.
News: Alright, but lets stop. Maybe he paid the trainer off with a Hamilton?
Burns: Man I wipe my ass with ten dollars. Besides we can speculate all me want on whether or not Jimmy had a brief bout of “special” but the fact remains that he is pet coon goofy and I welcome him to use all the weapons he wants with no strings attached. And in the confines of the match, I will use none. His threats of gore sound like a poorly written slasher movie. I'm gonna hurt you Burns! Look out Burnsie! Who does he think he is giving me pet names and crap? He called me brother enough times to earn a handlebar mustache. I just don't get this guy.
JP: Well, speculation of “special-ness” aside, he is a decent wrestler and his dad WAS a big deal. He is a contender.
Burns: You are right. I'm not denying that.
News. I am.
Burns: Well go ahead but Jimmy Zane has props from me for what he can do in a ring. His dad was a little better than OK, and maybe Jimmy will be some day. The truth is that we both have been a little repetitive lately and I attribute that to that fact that we have been thrust together in matches so many times that there isn't really much to say.
Burns slams down the Jimmy Zane card, in an attempt the defeat the Kelly Fox card.
JP: How does that work, he would never hurt Kelly.
Burns: But I have amnesty, and I would say he is my associate to protect him from backlash by the Fox family.
News: Well which card will you use to defeat him? Nobody is going to want to punch a retard...
JP Rush throws down the Philip Burns Card. This is met with an outburst of laughter from all three men, Burns especially find it hilarious as he nearly falls over.
Burns: Oh you are good. You are just too good. Ha!
News: Burns for the win!
Burns nods his head in approval with a goofy grin on his face.
Burns: How appropriate...
The scene fades as the card game concludes. Nobody here was really sure of the rules but it was a lot of fun. I am pretty sure that even on the Internet you are not allowed to say the R word that many times but we will leave that up to the censors. One thing I do know for sure is that on Sunday Jimmy Zane will be humiliated when a weaponless Philip Burns defeats him n an Xtreme rules match for the aptly named Xtreme title.
News: So Burns why exactly did you invite me here tonight after all the bad blood between us? You punched me in the back of the head after all...
Burns: Well News, we have known each other for too long for that. Work got in the way of our friendship and now thats not a problem. And plus you are the only one who doesn't judge me when I get drunk and play non-existent card games.
News: Thats true, I do love the dealer tips I get just for sitting here! But why the hell does this place smell of wine and cheap perfume?
JP Rush has grown impatient with the delay in the game. Although they just made it up moments ago, he is playing like a pro. He is playing for keeps.
JP Rush: Alright Burns, I see your Mark Evil trading card you put down but I have this: Tommy the Cat! Beat that!
Burns: JP, man that doesn't make sense. How is Tommy better than Mark?
JP: Because I said.
Burns: Well thats dumb. Mark Evil is a former champion!
JP: But Tommy the Cat always lands on his feet...
Burns: ...What? I hope you are not implying that he is an actual cat. Only a moron would make that mistake.
News: Ha. That is pretty dumb!
JP: Alright! Dammit now! Ill play the Joe Everyman card then.
Burns: See that works. I am surprised you could find that card though.
Both men stare intently at their hand of cards. Neither of them knows the rules to this made up game, but I am pretty sure that empty bottle of Wild Turkey has something to do with it. Still staring at his cards, JP Rush engages in casual conversation with Burns.
JP: Hey did you see what our pal Jimmy was up to? He was spouting off some bullcrap about you wearing fancy clothes and being scared of weapons. I really don't know what the hell he was saying. I get this horrible ringing in my ears every time he talks.
Burns: Yeah tell me about it. Ive been listening to him for a long time now. I cant believe he was saying all that crap. My JC Penny dress shirt and my Wal-Mart aviator shades are just too damn fancy for him. You don't have to spend a ton of money to look good. Anyone living in the real world could tell you that. Am I fighting Jimmy Zane or my comrade Homeless Harold?
Homeless Harold sits up on the couch abruptly.
HH: You rang?
News: No! Go back to bed you bum!
Harold mumbles to himself, scratches his own ass and slips back under the blanket, drifting back to his dream land.
News: Dude that guy gives me the creeps. He always smells funny and I cant stand to be around him. One time I gave him a dollar to just leave the F alone.
Burns: Well he is homeless, you cant expect him to be the shiniest penny in the pig. Leave him alone man. I'm letting him crash here until we have to head out for the show.
News: What? I was talking about Jimmy Zane...
Burns: Oh. Hmm. Oddly enough, that makes a lot of sense. I don't see how he can run his mouth so much without realizing he sounds like a dummy. I would catch myself after a few sentences at least. Then he whips out his photo album of dumb memories nobody could care about. I know who your dad is dude, I just don't care.
JP: I hate to dwell on this guy but my favorite part is when he said that all you did was talk about yourself. I watched your segment and it seemed to me like you talked all about him and the match. But then again there is only video proof, so I'm sure he has a strong case.
News: well Gents, what about claiming that Mr. Burns here is trying to bait him into not using weapons? That seemed like a dumb thing to say. I mean the whole point is to show him up. I mean you are counting on him using weapons. That like saying you would hand Homeless Harold a sandwich to trick him into not eating it. What the H, man?
Burns: Did you just say what the H? And earlier did you say what the F?
News: Yea man, I know its weird. But the new wife insists that I cut down on the swearing and Honcho has already threatened to wash my mouth out with soap if I didn't.
Burns: Haven't you reached the legal limit for marriages?
JP: There's a limit?
News: Yep big man, in my state it is seven. But evidently two of mine didn't count because I had never actually gotten divorces from my previous wives. So I still have one more after this one...
JP: Oh, well choose carefully then.
News: oh no doubt broseph.
Burns: I think we are a little off track here. This Zane guy, I wonder if he even listens to what I say? I never said I was the most original thing in the world, just that he isn't. I don't get him. He is freaking me out.
JP: Thats because you have Coulrophobia man.
News: What the hell is that? Fear of small spaces? What does that have to do with it?
JP: No Newsy, its fear of clowns. Phil here doesn't like the circus folk.
Burns: NO! I'm not scared of clowns; I am enraged by them! Theres a huge difference. But it doesn't matter because he quit doing that when his retardation healed. Didn't you hear that part?
Burns lays down a Milo Holland card, much to the dismay of JP Rush. JP is taken aback for a moment and tries to carefully select his next card. JP tries to remain serious but cannot help laughing at Burns' comment.
JP: Oh yea, I had forgotten about that. Apparently you beat him retarded and he acted like a dumb ass for a while, but he is better now.
News: I would ask to see a doctors release note on that one. He is pretty retarded. And everyone knows you don't go full retard.
Burns: How many times are we able to say retard before this isn't allowed to air?
News: This is the Internet man, this camera is taping for the series of tubes that Al Gore invented. There are no rules on the 'net.
Burns: Oh, well in that case what the F*ck is this retard's problem?
JP: Well apparently you made him retarded. I would say that is his problem.
JP finally finds a card to beat the Milo, its the Kelly Fox card.
[/color]Burns: You bitch! But yeah I can see how it would be a big problem. So you're telling me the nCw trainer cleared him to wrestle with schizophrenia? I doubt that. It sounds like he is trying to cover his ass and trying not to look like a retard by claiming he was retarded.
News: Can we please stop saying that? My wife has a handicapped son and I don't want this getting back to that little retard. He is strong!
JP: That was wrong on so many levels.
News: Alright, but lets stop. Maybe he paid the trainer off with a Hamilton?
Burns: Man I wipe my ass with ten dollars. Besides we can speculate all me want on whether or not Jimmy had a brief bout of “special” but the fact remains that he is pet coon goofy and I welcome him to use all the weapons he wants with no strings attached. And in the confines of the match, I will use none. His threats of gore sound like a poorly written slasher movie. I'm gonna hurt you Burns! Look out Burnsie! Who does he think he is giving me pet names and crap? He called me brother enough times to earn a handlebar mustache. I just don't get this guy.
JP: Well, speculation of “special-ness” aside, he is a decent wrestler and his dad WAS a big deal. He is a contender.
Burns: You are right. I'm not denying that.
News. I am.
Burns: Well go ahead but Jimmy Zane has props from me for what he can do in a ring. His dad was a little better than OK, and maybe Jimmy will be some day. The truth is that we both have been a little repetitive lately and I attribute that to that fact that we have been thrust together in matches so many times that there isn't really much to say.
Burns slams down the Jimmy Zane card, in an attempt the defeat the Kelly Fox card.
JP: How does that work, he would never hurt Kelly.
Burns: But I have amnesty, and I would say he is my associate to protect him from backlash by the Fox family.
News: Well which card will you use to defeat him? Nobody is going to want to punch a retard...
JP Rush throws down the Philip Burns Card. This is met with an outburst of laughter from all three men, Burns especially find it hilarious as he nearly falls over.
Burns: Oh you are good. You are just too good. Ha!
News: Burns for the win!
Burns nods his head in approval with a goofy grin on his face.
Burns: How appropriate...
The scene fades as the card game concludes. Nobody here was really sure of the rules but it was a lot of fun. I am pretty sure that even on the Internet you are not allowed to say the R word that many times but we will leave that up to the censors. One thing I do know for sure is that on Sunday Jimmy Zane will be humiliated when a weaponless Philip Burns defeats him n an Xtreme rules match for the aptly named Xtreme title.