Post by Philip Burns on Feb 14, 2009 20:31:35 GMT -6
Our scene opens with Angel and Philip Burns walking through the woods, both carrying overnight bags. They are comfortably dresses and seems to be headed toward a nice looking cabin just up the trail.
Burns: Hey man whats gives here anyway? So Honcho now has a cabin ? I thought you got him evicted and now he lives with his dad?
Angel: Me too. I don't understand. If he had a cabin then why not move into it instead of rooming with his dad and that homo? He told me he wanted to let us relax as an apology for constantly sending us both meatloaf. I guess he realized it was inconvenient.
Burns: Yea. That reminds me we still need to hide those sex toys in Honchos room to make him look gay. His dad will have to do something about it and it will be hilarious!
Angel: Awesome we can do that after this.
They round a bend in the trail and come up to the cabin. Mike Honcho greets them at the door and embraces both of them but they definitely do not hug back.
MH: Hey brosephs! Welcome to the Honcho estate. Diamond Dallas Honcho at your service!
Angel whispers to Burns: why is he calling himself that?
Burns shrugs
MH: Come on in guys I will show you to your rooms.
Honcho gives them a grand tour of the cabin. They are pretty sure it is not his judging from the pictures of a different family littered throughout the spacious cabin. At one point he even forgets where he is and opens a closet claiming it is a bedroom. He tried to back-track with “Just kidding!” but the guests are smarter than this.
MH: Alright get settled in and there is only one rule: DO NOT eat my sub. And rule two is do not let raccoons in.
Honch disappears into the kitchen and leaves Burns and Angel to unpack their things. The two meet back up in the hall after unpacking and talk amongst themselves about how Honcho is obviously mentally challenged. They suddenly hear a blood curdling scream coming from the room Honcho disappeared into and rush to the kitchen to check it out. Honcho is missing and there is a red liquid substance trailing out the door as if someone was bloodied and dragged out. Angel looks over at the trash can and notices sitting on top of the pile is an emptied bottle of ketchup. He picks it up and shows it to Burns.
Burns: I at least want to give the guy a benefit of a doubt. Why would he fake this?
Angel: Its obviously ketchup and he is messing with us.
Burns: I know. Its so sad...
The guys head back to the living area and just then The News bursts through the door looking upset in a weird way. He is sweating and trying to catch his breath.
TN: Guys Honcho is in DANGER! I heard the scream from my room and I looked out the window to see him being dragged away by a giant masked dude.
Angel: Well we know where Harold is so its not him.
Burns: News cut the BS. Where is he?
Suddenly a group of young people arrive. There are two guys and one hot girl. They look way too cliché to be here. IT isn't adding up. The tallest guy begins to speak. He is obviously an actor, and a horrible one at that.
Dude: Hey guys! Have you seen the awesome one known as Mike Hancho around?
TN: Honcho. Don't you mean HONCHO?
Dude: oh, yes. MY bad dog. I meant my good friend Mike Honcho. He is the best and this cabin is awesome. Why I remember a time when I was trapped under a fallen tree and he lifted it up with his bare hands and freed me. He is so great.
Chick: And he is an awesome lover. I climax at least four times per event of intercourse. I love him.
Dude: I gladly give up my lady to Honcho. He is that cool.
Burns and Angel look at each other almost sick from holding back laughter. They sit down on the couch and calmly begin to mess with these actors. Burns begins reading a magazine as he addresses them.
Burns: Yeah he was here earlier. He told you to give up your lady to Angel right before he was kidnapped by a masked killer.
Angel: And he also said he wanted to make sure the dorky guy was well nourished so he offered his sub to him. Its in the fridge.
The dorky one is excited and it seems he has not eaten all day he disappears into the kitchen before emerging with a very saucy meatball sub in hand. The News lights up a pipe and begins pacing the floor getting into character before he stops in front of a fire to make his well rehearsed speech.
TN: You know they say a young boy named Tony B disappeared around these parts. His parent used to own this cabin and when he decided to go swimming one day they told him to go ahead. That he was old enough to go without them. He went alone. They were too busy playing back gammon to notice what happened.
Angel: Let me guess, he drowned?
TN: No. I wasn't going to say that at all. Why would you think that? I was going to say he was uh, umm... kidnapped. Yea he was taken by a lunatic who wears a mask.
Burns: Nice backtracking old friend.
TN: Thank you. Any who the legend goes that when this young boy died of cancer some 32 years later he would return to haunt this cabin.
Burns: So let me get this straight. A boy was kidnapped while his parents were playing a lame ass game and he was later recovered unharmed. Then he led a normal life, became an adult, and died of cancer; all of which is unrelated tot his cabin and now he is haunting this cabin?
TN: Yes.
Angel: So is it him or the original masked man that took Honcho?
TN: What?
Burns: You said a masked man took the kid and took Honcho. But now you say the kid or grown man as he was is haunting this place. Who is responsible for Honcho?
TN: Just shut up OK. I am not getting paid enough. Just think what you will jackasses.
Burns and Angel chuckle to themselves as they relish in the fact that they already blew this thing wide open. The main preppy guy walks over and leans against a window. Suddenly the windows shatters and a man grabs him and pulls him out. The man is wearing a mask made of a potato sack over his own head. Everyone besides our fearless wrestlers scream. The figure returns to the window and looks in at the dorky one. In a voice that clearly belongs to Mike Honcho he addresses the dork.
Masked Honcho: Hey buddy. That better not be my sub. You and I are about to go at it like you have no idea.
Burns: Honcho.
Masked Honcho: Not right now Homes! Wait... ****!
TN: What the hell man? We rehearsed!
Honch: That jabroni with my sub F'd it up! I wanted to have some fun and scare these guys like Jason. Dammit. I cant believe I rushed my Positively Honch show so I could come do this crap.
Burns: What a “Positively Honch?”
Honcho: shut up!
Angel: OK how about we cut the crap. We are here in someone else's cabin for the night and we should enjoy it. Its a free night in the woods away from the BS of the corporate world, the filth in nCw, and those Upper Echelon tools so let's live it up!
Honcho removes the bag from his head and walks in through the nearby door.
Honcho:So we are all gonna party?
Angel: No. Burns and I, plus this hot chick are gonna party. You and your actors are gonna leave. And take The News with you.
Burns: Hey chick, call up a friend or two.
Burns voice narrates:
Honcho sadly walks out of the house with his actors and manager and stare in through the broken window. His attempt to recreate the scare tactics of the Friday the 13th film franchise has failed. Which is amazing because the formula is so simple. Burns and Angel pay no mind as they turn on the TV and relax with this hot chick before the PPV. When her friend gets there it is gonna get wild. Like we cant show it kind of wild. But we will sell it on DVD. Davey Ortega will probably buy it. I heard he likes to study all available footage of his opponents so its possible. That's just gross. Bad form Davey, Bad form. I feel like I'm rambling. Hey check it out. That hot chick is grinding on me. Aren't voice overs fun?
Scene fades on a sad Honcho and company looking in on the party as this hot chick strip teases. Burns walks over and closes the blinds over the broken window, making the scene even more sad.
Burns: Hey man whats gives here anyway? So Honcho now has a cabin ? I thought you got him evicted and now he lives with his dad?
Angel: Me too. I don't understand. If he had a cabin then why not move into it instead of rooming with his dad and that homo? He told me he wanted to let us relax as an apology for constantly sending us both meatloaf. I guess he realized it was inconvenient.
Burns: Yea. That reminds me we still need to hide those sex toys in Honchos room to make him look gay. His dad will have to do something about it and it will be hilarious!
Angel: Awesome we can do that after this.
They round a bend in the trail and come up to the cabin. Mike Honcho greets them at the door and embraces both of them but they definitely do not hug back.
MH: Hey brosephs! Welcome to the Honcho estate. Diamond Dallas Honcho at your service!
Angel whispers to Burns: why is he calling himself that?
Burns shrugs
MH: Come on in guys I will show you to your rooms.
Honcho gives them a grand tour of the cabin. They are pretty sure it is not his judging from the pictures of a different family littered throughout the spacious cabin. At one point he even forgets where he is and opens a closet claiming it is a bedroom. He tried to back-track with “Just kidding!” but the guests are smarter than this.
MH: Alright get settled in and there is only one rule: DO NOT eat my sub. And rule two is do not let raccoons in.
Honch disappears into the kitchen and leaves Burns and Angel to unpack their things. The two meet back up in the hall after unpacking and talk amongst themselves about how Honcho is obviously mentally challenged. They suddenly hear a blood curdling scream coming from the room Honcho disappeared into and rush to the kitchen to check it out. Honcho is missing and there is a red liquid substance trailing out the door as if someone was bloodied and dragged out. Angel looks over at the trash can and notices sitting on top of the pile is an emptied bottle of ketchup. He picks it up and shows it to Burns.
Burns: I at least want to give the guy a benefit of a doubt. Why would he fake this?
Angel: Its obviously ketchup and he is messing with us.
Burns: I know. Its so sad...
The guys head back to the living area and just then The News bursts through the door looking upset in a weird way. He is sweating and trying to catch his breath.
TN: Guys Honcho is in DANGER! I heard the scream from my room and I looked out the window to see him being dragged away by a giant masked dude.
Angel: Well we know where Harold is so its not him.
Burns: News cut the BS. Where is he?
Suddenly a group of young people arrive. There are two guys and one hot girl. They look way too cliché to be here. IT isn't adding up. The tallest guy begins to speak. He is obviously an actor, and a horrible one at that.
Dude: Hey guys! Have you seen the awesome one known as Mike Hancho around?
TN: Honcho. Don't you mean HONCHO?
Dude: oh, yes. MY bad dog. I meant my good friend Mike Honcho. He is the best and this cabin is awesome. Why I remember a time when I was trapped under a fallen tree and he lifted it up with his bare hands and freed me. He is so great.
Chick: And he is an awesome lover. I climax at least four times per event of intercourse. I love him.
Dude: I gladly give up my lady to Honcho. He is that cool.
Burns and Angel look at each other almost sick from holding back laughter. They sit down on the couch and calmly begin to mess with these actors. Burns begins reading a magazine as he addresses them.
Burns: Yeah he was here earlier. He told you to give up your lady to Angel right before he was kidnapped by a masked killer.
Angel: And he also said he wanted to make sure the dorky guy was well nourished so he offered his sub to him. Its in the fridge.
The dorky one is excited and it seems he has not eaten all day he disappears into the kitchen before emerging with a very saucy meatball sub in hand. The News lights up a pipe and begins pacing the floor getting into character before he stops in front of a fire to make his well rehearsed speech.
TN: You know they say a young boy named Tony B disappeared around these parts. His parent used to own this cabin and when he decided to go swimming one day they told him to go ahead. That he was old enough to go without them. He went alone. They were too busy playing back gammon to notice what happened.
Angel: Let me guess, he drowned?
TN: No. I wasn't going to say that at all. Why would you think that? I was going to say he was uh, umm... kidnapped. Yea he was taken by a lunatic who wears a mask.
Burns: Nice backtracking old friend.
TN: Thank you. Any who the legend goes that when this young boy died of cancer some 32 years later he would return to haunt this cabin.
Burns: So let me get this straight. A boy was kidnapped while his parents were playing a lame ass game and he was later recovered unharmed. Then he led a normal life, became an adult, and died of cancer; all of which is unrelated tot his cabin and now he is haunting this cabin?
TN: Yes.
Angel: So is it him or the original masked man that took Honcho?
TN: What?
Burns: You said a masked man took the kid and took Honcho. But now you say the kid or grown man as he was is haunting this place. Who is responsible for Honcho?
TN: Just shut up OK. I am not getting paid enough. Just think what you will jackasses.
Burns and Angel chuckle to themselves as they relish in the fact that they already blew this thing wide open. The main preppy guy walks over and leans against a window. Suddenly the windows shatters and a man grabs him and pulls him out. The man is wearing a mask made of a potato sack over his own head. Everyone besides our fearless wrestlers scream. The figure returns to the window and looks in at the dorky one. In a voice that clearly belongs to Mike Honcho he addresses the dork.
Masked Honcho: Hey buddy. That better not be my sub. You and I are about to go at it like you have no idea.
Burns: Honcho.
Masked Honcho: Not right now Homes! Wait... ****!
TN: What the hell man? We rehearsed!
Honch: That jabroni with my sub F'd it up! I wanted to have some fun and scare these guys like Jason. Dammit. I cant believe I rushed my Positively Honch show so I could come do this crap.
Burns: What a “Positively Honch?”
Honcho: shut up!
Angel: OK how about we cut the crap. We are here in someone else's cabin for the night and we should enjoy it. Its a free night in the woods away from the BS of the corporate world, the filth in nCw, and those Upper Echelon tools so let's live it up!
Honcho removes the bag from his head and walks in through the nearby door.
Honcho:So we are all gonna party?
Angel: No. Burns and I, plus this hot chick are gonna party. You and your actors are gonna leave. And take The News with you.
Burns: Hey chick, call up a friend or two.
Burns voice narrates:
Honcho sadly walks out of the house with his actors and manager and stare in through the broken window. His attempt to recreate the scare tactics of the Friday the 13th film franchise has failed. Which is amazing because the formula is so simple. Burns and Angel pay no mind as they turn on the TV and relax with this hot chick before the PPV. When her friend gets there it is gonna get wild. Like we cant show it kind of wild. But we will sell it on DVD. Davey Ortega will probably buy it. I heard he likes to study all available footage of his opponents so its possible. That's just gross. Bad form Davey, Bad form. I feel like I'm rambling. Hey check it out. That hot chick is grinding on me. Aren't voice overs fun?
Scene fades on a sad Honcho and company looking in on the party as this hot chick strip teases. Burns walks over and closes the blinds over the broken window, making the scene even more sad.