Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Mar 20, 2009 3:45:07 GMT -6
*We open on a dark room with a single light. There's a shadowy figure.*
A gruffy voice: Tonight, we look at an unsolved mystery. Who would dare? Who would even be crazy enough to side with Unsexy Jason?
*The figure leans in and it's Curtis Kanyon.*
Ron: Why are you talking like that.
Curtis: *Cough* Sorry, flem in my throat.
Ron: That makes sense, but why is it dark?
Curtis: Don't we have to flex our power or something?
*The lights go on and its Dirty Deal's locker room that this promo is set in.*
Russell: Ah! My retinas!
Ron: The only one who flexes is Jason, and as we both well know, it's the only thing he does.
Curtis: Yeah, true. So if we know that someone has to be stupid to be teaming with Jason, and they would have to do all the work, then we can narrow it down a bit.
Ron: It has to be someone Jason could trust to watch Amber, but not steal Amber, so he'd have to be gay too.
Curtis: Good point, good point. So I'm thinking Tom Cruise.
Russell: Don't say that! He'll sue us!
Curtis: Well, I'm just saying it could be.
Ron: Yeah, he's not saying it is, but it could be.
Russell: Well the guy in the promo didn't sound like Tom Cruise.
Ron: True, no jumping and screaming.
Curtis: Okay fine. And speaking of, how come that guy can curse and we can't that's just not fair!
Russell: Well, he's unknown so we can't go up to a mystery man and tell him to stop.
Curtis: Man, why can't I fu--
Russell: YOU DON'T GET TO CURSE!
Curtis: --farfegnutenly say whatever the fudgecicle I want to say! Dog gone you Russell! Dog gone you and your lawyerly ways you self righteous plucky duck!
Ron: Good conversion.
Amber: I trust Jason and his judgement on his partner.
Curtis: For one, shut up! For two, you haven't paid us our ten percent commission this week. For three, Jason's a meat head, his partner can't be much better. And for four, shut up!
Amber: You guys are a**holes.
*Amber takes money out of her pocket and starts counting.*
Ron: Dude!
Russell: She can say whatever she wants. A woman that divine has free reign to do anything with my pe...
*Ron and Curtis are staring at Russell.*
Russell: ...n. She can write anything. That's all I'm saying.
Ron: Yeah, your pen 15.
Russell: What does that mean?
Ron: Let me write it on your arm.
Curtis: Okay, so mystery man, could it be Tom Hanks?
Ron: Well I don't think he's--
Curtis: He was in Philadelphia, so he can act it.
Ron: Oh, then could be.
Curtis: Maybe Tom Brokaw?
Ron: He's too busy with the news.
Curtis: What about Tom Jones?
Ron: Too old, and too sexy.
Curtis: What?
Ron: I mean...yeah, he's got great chest hair, I can't say he's not sexy. But in a completely heterosexual way, you know, like the opposite of his mysterious partner of mystery.
Curtis: His mysteritude astounds me. I bet it's Tom Green!
Amber: Okay, seriously? Now you're just naming Tom's.
Curtis: That's not true.
Russell: Actually, it is true.
Curtis: Well, I'm damn sure its a Tom! Maybe Tom Selleck?
Ron: I would love to beat up that mustache!
Amber: Maybe it's a wrestler not an actor!
Curtis: Ha ha ha! Don't be an idiot. No wrestler in there right mind would face us willingly.
Ron: She can't help but being an idiot, she's a woman.
Russell: Hey guys, that's not nice!
Amber: Thank you Russell.
Russell: Your welcome, caniseethosebuzungas?
Amber: What?!
Russell: Nothing, nevermind.
Curtis: What about Tommy Lee Jones?
Ron: Ol' Two Face? No way. New Two Face...probably not either.
Curtis: You know what, it doesn't matter! I'm not confused by this mystery mania! Which as a side note would make a good title to something. But back on topic, Ron, are you shaking in your boots after seeing a man who hides like a coward talking to Unsexy Jason who probably also doesn't know who the hell his mystery partner is?
Ron: Uh...
*Ron looks down.*
Ron: I am...not
Curtis: Neither am I. You could be anyone from Tom Petty to Tom Sawyer for all I care! We're not going to show mercy. We're not going to hold back. We're going out there and proving why we're the most dominant tag team in NCW and why we should be getting our damn title shots! And we're using your bodies to do it! Keeping Amber is just icing on the cake that cleans our locker room and washes our unmentionables! We're going to beat you with chairs, tables, ladders, two by fours, trash cans, tv cameras, beer bottles, fans, whatever the hell we can get our hands on! And you boys are going to take it, because that's the deal!
Russell: Oh, I thought of one! What if it was Tom the cat! Huh?
*Everyone stares blankly at Russell.*
Russell: You know...Tom...the cat...of Tom and Jerry fame. Always chased the mouse. Huh? Eh? Right?
Curtis: You're a f****** idiot.
Russell: You can't say--
*Curtis grabs his money from Amber and throws it at Russell.*
Curtis: Give that to your FCC pals!
Russell: Well it's more than enough for just one cu--
Curtis: Shut up and f*** off!
Russell: Okay, now it balances out.
*The scene fades out.*
A gruffy voice: Tonight, we look at an unsolved mystery. Who would dare? Who would even be crazy enough to side with Unsexy Jason?
*The figure leans in and it's Curtis Kanyon.*
Ron: Why are you talking like that.
Curtis: *Cough* Sorry, flem in my throat.
Ron: That makes sense, but why is it dark?
Curtis: Don't we have to flex our power or something?
*The lights go on and its Dirty Deal's locker room that this promo is set in.*
Russell: Ah! My retinas!
Ron: The only one who flexes is Jason, and as we both well know, it's the only thing he does.
Curtis: Yeah, true. So if we know that someone has to be stupid to be teaming with Jason, and they would have to do all the work, then we can narrow it down a bit.
Ron: It has to be someone Jason could trust to watch Amber, but not steal Amber, so he'd have to be gay too.
Curtis: Good point, good point. So I'm thinking Tom Cruise.
Russell: Don't say that! He'll sue us!
Curtis: Well, I'm just saying it could be.
Ron: Yeah, he's not saying it is, but it could be.
Russell: Well the guy in the promo didn't sound like Tom Cruise.
Ron: True, no jumping and screaming.
Curtis: Okay fine. And speaking of, how come that guy can curse and we can't that's just not fair!
Russell: Well, he's unknown so we can't go up to a mystery man and tell him to stop.
Curtis: Man, why can't I fu--
Russell: YOU DON'T GET TO CURSE!
Curtis: --farfegnutenly say whatever the fudgecicle I want to say! Dog gone you Russell! Dog gone you and your lawyerly ways you self righteous plucky duck!
Ron: Good conversion.
Amber: I trust Jason and his judgement on his partner.
Curtis: For one, shut up! For two, you haven't paid us our ten percent commission this week. For three, Jason's a meat head, his partner can't be much better. And for four, shut up!
Amber: You guys are a**holes.
*Amber takes money out of her pocket and starts counting.*
Ron: Dude!
Russell: She can say whatever she wants. A woman that divine has free reign to do anything with my pe...
*Ron and Curtis are staring at Russell.*
Russell: ...n. She can write anything. That's all I'm saying.
Ron: Yeah, your pen 15.
Russell: What does that mean?
Ron: Let me write it on your arm.
Curtis: Okay, so mystery man, could it be Tom Hanks?
Ron: Well I don't think he's--
Curtis: He was in Philadelphia, so he can act it.
Ron: Oh, then could be.
Curtis: Maybe Tom Brokaw?
Ron: He's too busy with the news.
Curtis: What about Tom Jones?
Ron: Too old, and too sexy.
Curtis: What?
Ron: I mean...yeah, he's got great chest hair, I can't say he's not sexy. But in a completely heterosexual way, you know, like the opposite of his mysterious partner of mystery.
Curtis: His mysteritude astounds me. I bet it's Tom Green!
Amber: Okay, seriously? Now you're just naming Tom's.
Curtis: That's not true.
Russell: Actually, it is true.
Curtis: Well, I'm damn sure its a Tom! Maybe Tom Selleck?
Ron: I would love to beat up that mustache!
Amber: Maybe it's a wrestler not an actor!
Curtis: Ha ha ha! Don't be an idiot. No wrestler in there right mind would face us willingly.
Ron: She can't help but being an idiot, she's a woman.
Russell: Hey guys, that's not nice!
Amber: Thank you Russell.
Russell: Your welcome, caniseethosebuzungas?
Amber: What?!
Russell: Nothing, nevermind.
Curtis: What about Tommy Lee Jones?
Ron: Ol' Two Face? No way. New Two Face...probably not either.
Curtis: You know what, it doesn't matter! I'm not confused by this mystery mania! Which as a side note would make a good title to something. But back on topic, Ron, are you shaking in your boots after seeing a man who hides like a coward talking to Unsexy Jason who probably also doesn't know who the hell his mystery partner is?
Ron: Uh...
*Ron looks down.*
Ron: I am...not
Curtis: Neither am I. You could be anyone from Tom Petty to Tom Sawyer for all I care! We're not going to show mercy. We're not going to hold back. We're going out there and proving why we're the most dominant tag team in NCW and why we should be getting our damn title shots! And we're using your bodies to do it! Keeping Amber is just icing on the cake that cleans our locker room and washes our unmentionables! We're going to beat you with chairs, tables, ladders, two by fours, trash cans, tv cameras, beer bottles, fans, whatever the hell we can get our hands on! And you boys are going to take it, because that's the deal!
Russell: Oh, I thought of one! What if it was Tom the cat! Huh?
*Everyone stares blankly at Russell.*
Russell: You know...Tom...the cat...of Tom and Jerry fame. Always chased the mouse. Huh? Eh? Right?
Curtis: You're a f****** idiot.
Russell: You can't say--
*Curtis grabs his money from Amber and throws it at Russell.*
Curtis: Give that to your FCC pals!
Russell: Well it's more than enough for just one cu--
Curtis: Shut up and f*** off!
Russell: Okay, now it balances out.
*The scene fades out.*