Post by Destructor! on May 11, 2010 22:04:37 GMT -6
“PUSH! PUSH!”
That’s my new personal trainer, Aaron Jennings. I hired him because he looks a lot like John Locke from LOST.
Well actually I hired him because I still couldn’t get over the Knitelife article Zelda wrote, so I decided to beef up. I searched the phone books and internet for personal trainers, and they gave him five stars on this one website and he was the best price available.
He also knew my dad. He said that he used to train with him my father in the 80s, where they wrestled under the name of “Death and Destruction”. I wikied them, couldn’t find anything.
But let’s not get into that right now; let’s talk about the fact that this man is making me push a crate four times my weight across the gym.
“PUSH!”
“Don’t you see me pushing!?”
“You’re not trying hard enough!”
“I can’t do it!”
“YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT YOU CAN’T DO!”
This dude is crazy. He said he fought in Vietnam, so he’s one of those guys. But for a low price, I had to get his help.
“Dude, this is impossible. Can’t we take a break? We’ve been here for hours!”
“Take a break? Only pussies take breaks. Are you a pussy, son?”
“What!?”
“Are you a PUSSY!?”
“Um, no man.”
“Well you smell like a pussy. You kind of look like a pussy too, your hair being the bush and your mouth is shaped like one. You don’t see it son, you don’t see it!?”
“No!”
“You sure? Have you even seen a pussy before you little sh*t?”
“On my computer, yes!”
“On your computer!? What are you maggot, are you one of those little computer nerds who can’t find real women and has to find pleasure in his own palm? Are you one of those kids who finds pleasure in watching tapes of old Star Trek episodes when that black lady-“
“Uhura!”
“Whatever her name is! You know who would be mad at you? Your father! He would be ashamed to have seen his son grow up to be a piece of trash like you!”
Man, screw this guy. I am pushing this stupid crate-HOLY CRAP I DID IT. I mean it was only an inch, but I did it!
Aaaaaaand there I go falling to the floor. Aaron picked me up quickly patting me on the back, and then sets me on top of the crate, giving me my water.
“Great job kid! I knew you could do it! For that, you see that hot little momma over there?”
“Whaaa…yeah…I see her…”
“I’m going to get her to do you good tonight!”
And there goes Aaron Jennings…trying to get me laid. I faint on top of the crate, trying to catch my breath, but now I have to deal with another idiot in John.
“Dude, are you alright?”
“Pain. In…much…pain.”
“Whatever dude, so I sent Zelda an e-mail. She is sooo going to want to date me. I mean, you should have read what I said! It was some awesome stuff basically telling her how awesome I am, and I even showed her pictures of my car! I mean between the two of us it doesn’t work, but it shouldn’t matter to her! I also shared some of my favorite video games with her, telling her how hard LoZ rocks. You okay man?”
To be honest I didn’t hear anything he said, I was just trying to stay away.
“Wow man, you really look like sh*t. Did he really push you hard?”
“He made me run…ten…ten…ten miles on the treadmill. He made me push this stupid crate…earlier he gave me one hundred body slams…dude…I don’t think I can even feel my legs.”
“Dude…that sucks. You should fire him.”
“I can’t. I…I….I…I need him. He used to…used to…used to work with my dad. He could train me to be like him. I need him.”
“I don’t know man; to be honest I think you just need steroids. That has to be a lot easier than working out like a mad man. Except with the whole testicles shrinking thing”
Before I was able to respond I get picked up, and rushed towards the door.
“We have to get out of here.”
“Dude...what...what the hell happened?”
“Remember that girl I told you I would get to have sex with you? Well, her boyfriend was standing there and is apparently a cop. I punched him in the jaw and knocked him out. We have to get out of here.”
I’m starting to wonder if I made the right decision…
We open up in a dark, mysterious room. We hear some bumping around until a spotlight shines in the center of the room to show none other than Dr. Insano.
“You people doubt me. You doubt everything about me! You think my plans of world domination are futile…stupid…and will never work. Well let me tell you something, you are wrong! Destructor!’s loss last week…well that was a bump in the road. Or was it? Did I just make you all want to think that my creation was beatable so you can look at him differently? Do you really think I, Dr. Insano, the greatest scientist in the world would fail to make a perfect creature!? With the power of SCIENCE and the blood and sweat of the legendary wrestler Destruction…do you think I could fail!? This was a ruse! This was all a twist! This was all just…
…part of the plan.”
Dr. Insano smiles at the camera, and lets out one of his signature laughs.
“You people will look down at Destructor! think that he’s a nobody and when the opportunity comes he will snap the heads off of your neck! He will do things to the wrestlers in the nCw that nobody could ever think of! He is a machine…my machine. My creation to take over the WORLD! So you nCw wrestlers…you lay tight. You get a good night sleep, because you will need to preserve the energy needed to defeat Destructor! And with a little hint of SCIENCE…we will not only take over the nCw BUT THE WORLD!”
Dr. Insano begins to laugh manically, holding his shaking hands up in the air, twirling in circles and away from the spotlight. Destructor! walks over, facing the camera.
“It’s been a long road for me. With my father’s blood and a little help of science from Dr. Insano, I am the man who stands here today. Things have been grim for me. I often sit and wonder what it would be like if I were a normal human, not bent on taking over the world. But then I think about it and go ‘Hey, that’s stupid, I’m an evil machine that could do anything! Let’s destroy stuff!’ So I go ahead and do it. You see, this is the difference between me and the common man; I am not common. I am not the same person you see on television every week complaining about their problems; I’m not that kid you know in high school who cuts himself because his girlfriend break up with him. No, I’m a special breed. Science and my father’s blood made me that way. My father is watching me now somewhere, and he knows that I am…I am his son. I am exactly the way he was, the greatest ass –kicker the world has ever seen. And this Friday at Suspense, Robby Marshall and Dex Morgan will become casualties. The first of a long list of people whose careers ended prematurely by Destructor! and Dr. Insano.
Suspense is a proper term; I know both of you will be sitting and waiting for me, the suspense almost killing you. The suspense won’t kill you at Suspense, no, the suspense of waiting to fight me at Suspense will be too suspenseful that you will not be able to defeat me at Suspense…and that will kill you. You two haven’t shown your faces around here yet, and I don’t blame you. I’d be too busy changing my diapers if I found out I had a match against me, I wouldn’t show my face on television either. But boys, let me tell you know something...you have to come out of hiding soon. If you want the paychecks to go buy new clothes with or go to the hospital after I destroy you guys, you have to show up. And when you get into my ring, you will know two things. You will know that you two suck, and you will know Destructor! is awesome. Boys, it’s time…to get…
DESTRUCTED!”
Destructor! stares at the camera determined, while Dr. Insano slowly holds up a sign that says “Zelda! Call me!” behind Destructor!. We fade to black.
That’s my new personal trainer, Aaron Jennings. I hired him because he looks a lot like John Locke from LOST.
Well actually I hired him because I still couldn’t get over the Knitelife article Zelda wrote, so I decided to beef up. I searched the phone books and internet for personal trainers, and they gave him five stars on this one website and he was the best price available.
He also knew my dad. He said that he used to train with him my father in the 80s, where they wrestled under the name of “Death and Destruction”. I wikied them, couldn’t find anything.
But let’s not get into that right now; let’s talk about the fact that this man is making me push a crate four times my weight across the gym.
“PUSH!”
“Don’t you see me pushing!?”
“You’re not trying hard enough!”
“I can’t do it!”
“YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT YOU CAN’T DO!”
This dude is crazy. He said he fought in Vietnam, so he’s one of those guys. But for a low price, I had to get his help.
“Dude, this is impossible. Can’t we take a break? We’ve been here for hours!”
“Take a break? Only pussies take breaks. Are you a pussy, son?”
“What!?”
“Are you a PUSSY!?”
“Um, no man.”
“Well you smell like a pussy. You kind of look like a pussy too, your hair being the bush and your mouth is shaped like one. You don’t see it son, you don’t see it!?”
“No!”
“You sure? Have you even seen a pussy before you little sh*t?”
“On my computer, yes!”
“On your computer!? What are you maggot, are you one of those little computer nerds who can’t find real women and has to find pleasure in his own palm? Are you one of those kids who finds pleasure in watching tapes of old Star Trek episodes when that black lady-“
“Uhura!”
“Whatever her name is! You know who would be mad at you? Your father! He would be ashamed to have seen his son grow up to be a piece of trash like you!”
Man, screw this guy. I am pushing this stupid crate-HOLY CRAP I DID IT. I mean it was only an inch, but I did it!
Aaaaaaand there I go falling to the floor. Aaron picked me up quickly patting me on the back, and then sets me on top of the crate, giving me my water.
“Great job kid! I knew you could do it! For that, you see that hot little momma over there?”
“Whaaa…yeah…I see her…”
“I’m going to get her to do you good tonight!”
And there goes Aaron Jennings…trying to get me laid. I faint on top of the crate, trying to catch my breath, but now I have to deal with another idiot in John.
“Dude, are you alright?”
“Pain. In…much…pain.”
“Whatever dude, so I sent Zelda an e-mail. She is sooo going to want to date me. I mean, you should have read what I said! It was some awesome stuff basically telling her how awesome I am, and I even showed her pictures of my car! I mean between the two of us it doesn’t work, but it shouldn’t matter to her! I also shared some of my favorite video games with her, telling her how hard LoZ rocks. You okay man?”
To be honest I didn’t hear anything he said, I was just trying to stay away.
“Wow man, you really look like sh*t. Did he really push you hard?”
“He made me run…ten…ten…ten miles on the treadmill. He made me push this stupid crate…earlier he gave me one hundred body slams…dude…I don’t think I can even feel my legs.”
“Dude…that sucks. You should fire him.”
“I can’t. I…I….I…I need him. He used to…used to…used to work with my dad. He could train me to be like him. I need him.”
“I don’t know man; to be honest I think you just need steroids. That has to be a lot easier than working out like a mad man. Except with the whole testicles shrinking thing”
Before I was able to respond I get picked up, and rushed towards the door.
“We have to get out of here.”
“Dude...what...what the hell happened?”
“Remember that girl I told you I would get to have sex with you? Well, her boyfriend was standing there and is apparently a cop. I punched him in the jaw and knocked him out. We have to get out of here.”
I’m starting to wonder if I made the right decision…
We open up in a dark, mysterious room. We hear some bumping around until a spotlight shines in the center of the room to show none other than Dr. Insano.
“You people doubt me. You doubt everything about me! You think my plans of world domination are futile…stupid…and will never work. Well let me tell you something, you are wrong! Destructor!’s loss last week…well that was a bump in the road. Or was it? Did I just make you all want to think that my creation was beatable so you can look at him differently? Do you really think I, Dr. Insano, the greatest scientist in the world would fail to make a perfect creature!? With the power of SCIENCE and the blood and sweat of the legendary wrestler Destruction…do you think I could fail!? This was a ruse! This was all a twist! This was all just…
…part of the plan.”
Dr. Insano smiles at the camera, and lets out one of his signature laughs.
“You people will look down at Destructor! think that he’s a nobody and when the opportunity comes he will snap the heads off of your neck! He will do things to the wrestlers in the nCw that nobody could ever think of! He is a machine…my machine. My creation to take over the WORLD! So you nCw wrestlers…you lay tight. You get a good night sleep, because you will need to preserve the energy needed to defeat Destructor! And with a little hint of SCIENCE…we will not only take over the nCw BUT THE WORLD!”
Dr. Insano begins to laugh manically, holding his shaking hands up in the air, twirling in circles and away from the spotlight. Destructor! walks over, facing the camera.
“It’s been a long road for me. With my father’s blood and a little help of science from Dr. Insano, I am the man who stands here today. Things have been grim for me. I often sit and wonder what it would be like if I were a normal human, not bent on taking over the world. But then I think about it and go ‘Hey, that’s stupid, I’m an evil machine that could do anything! Let’s destroy stuff!’ So I go ahead and do it. You see, this is the difference between me and the common man; I am not common. I am not the same person you see on television every week complaining about their problems; I’m not that kid you know in high school who cuts himself because his girlfriend break up with him. No, I’m a special breed. Science and my father’s blood made me that way. My father is watching me now somewhere, and he knows that I am…I am his son. I am exactly the way he was, the greatest ass –kicker the world has ever seen. And this Friday at Suspense, Robby Marshall and Dex Morgan will become casualties. The first of a long list of people whose careers ended prematurely by Destructor! and Dr. Insano.
Suspense is a proper term; I know both of you will be sitting and waiting for me, the suspense almost killing you. The suspense won’t kill you at Suspense, no, the suspense of waiting to fight me at Suspense will be too suspenseful that you will not be able to defeat me at Suspense…and that will kill you. You two haven’t shown your faces around here yet, and I don’t blame you. I’d be too busy changing my diapers if I found out I had a match against me, I wouldn’t show my face on television either. But boys, let me tell you know something...you have to come out of hiding soon. If you want the paychecks to go buy new clothes with or go to the hospital after I destroy you guys, you have to show up. And when you get into my ring, you will know two things. You will know that you two suck, and you will know Destructor! is awesome. Boys, it’s time…to get…
DESTRUCTED!”
Destructor! stares at the camera determined, while Dr. Insano slowly holds up a sign that says “Zelda! Call me!” behind Destructor!. We fade to black.