Post by Freakke on Dec 19, 2010 0:27:47 GMT -6
I'm Dreaming of an nCw Christmas
Just like the one we had last Year
Where Faces are Ass Kickin
And Heels are a Bitchin
Over Belts made of Gold
--- Dr. Hitler's Fortress, North Pole, The Day Before Christmas Eve ---
Two guards stood there at the side entrance of Dr. Hitler's nearly impregnable fortress. They stood there watching the door in the bitter cold. Not much happened in the North. The first minion guard turned to the next and out of nowhere asked the following question.
"If you were to ever see your own words, what color would they be?"
The other guard turned back to him and replied curtly.
"What kind of question is that? I should think it would be blue but why on Earth would you ask such an outrageous thing?"
"I don't know, something to do. Alright how about me then? What color am I?"
"I'd say you were more of a red. It's still an odd question. Whats on your mind?"
"Well, I was just thinking. What if we're part of some elaborate scheme of mad writings and are as such fictitious characters who really have no point other than to move said story along through some smaller sections. Wouldn't it be fun to have a colored voice?"
There was a pause.
"That's so stupid. We aren't even paid to think and there you are having all this silly nonsense running in your head. We're supposed to be watching for any intruders."
"Oh come off it. We haven't seen anybody and I kinda doubt we will. There isn't anybody up here but them elves and all that. We have them all rounded up. So whats the matter with chatting while we watch?"
"I suppose, but remember to keep a look out for moving boxes. You remember our last job right?"
"Speaking of, did you know that the need for minions is actually going up? There aren't enough of us these days."
"Well duh. Anybody with a brain knows that. After the last thirty forty years anyone dumb enough to be a minion deserves to be shot by the first hero with any sort of skill..."
A pause.
"So...what did you decide to go with? 401k or stock options?"
"Neither. Stocks are too risky and I'll never build up enough in the 401k to be used. None of these endeavors last long enough."
"I know I've mentioned this but I still think we should have a union."
"Not this again...listen, nameless minions will have a union when I bag me my first MI6 agent. It just isn't happening."
"What about that one time you accidentally..."
"YOU CAN"T PROVE IT! It was an accident, I was drunk, and there were no witnesses."
As they continued to talk, three card board boxes with feet walked straight passed the two through the unlocked door.
"Oh come off it, you got a plaque for that."
"Yeah, I got a plague for freezing a guy in carbonite by accident. Big whoop."
"Hey, your resume looks good at least."
"True...wasn't that door closed?"
"I unno. I'm liking the warm breeze though."
The second guard nodded his head and they resumed their ever vigil watch.
--- Inside Dr. Hitler's Fortress ---
Freakke, Hexx, and Mr. Happy all ditched the cardboard boxes. They were all wearing camo, but Mr. Happy's Ga-Ko pajamas stuck out like a sore thumb...but strangely every so often the three would here an odd squeeky noise from one direction or the other.
"Alright, everybody know the plan?"
"We distract them, you rescue the Elves, the Deer, and the Claus', we get the hell out of here."
"Pretty much."
"It was so nice of that Old Man to give us all these toys."
"Happy...those are grenades..."
Mr. Happy made a face realizing something and then looked confused.
"Alright, lock and load."
Freakke and Hexx both reached into the bags they held and pulled out a variety of guns and other such weapons. Happy pulled out a Super Soaker. With a simple nod, Freakke went off down the hall.
"Alright Happy, we've gotta do what we've gotta do."
"Right."
"Let's get out of here before Freakke realizes we're gone."
Mr. Happy had already gone though. Hexx watched as the chubby clown stepped into the Mess Hall, where most of the guards and workers sat. They watched in horror as the clown put on a pair of cheap sun glasses.
"I have come here, to chew some bubble gum, and give out lots of hugs...and I'm all out of gum."
There was a long awkward silence. As the guards finally sprung to action Hexx burst through the door and laid onto the trigger of an RPD. A long spray of bullets erupted from the gun as the Mess Hall turned into a scene from a Call of Duty game. Mr. Happy sat there pumping his Super Soaker and Spraying anyone who got too close. When Hexx finally ran out of ammo, the dust began to settle and the members of Magically Delicious looked around to see what they had done. Tables over turned, bullet holes everywhere, and not a single shot hit its mark. The stunned minions all looked up to see if it was over. Hexx went wide eyed and dropped the gun. Mr. Happy was still spraying one of the bigger thugs, who had started to raise himself to his full height.
"Happy..."
"Yeah?"
"Remember what I told you to do when we got in trouble?"
"Run like crazy?"
"Yeah that. Let's do that now."
"OK!"
Mr. Happy handed the Super Soaker to the large thug and ran back the way they came. Hexx followed suit as almost two hundred angry. nameless minions rushed them from the mess hall.
"I am gonna kill Freakke! What does any of this have to do with Christmas?!?"
"THIS IS THE BEST SAVING CHRISTMAS WE"VE EVER SAVED!!!"
--- Meanwhile ---
Freakke had knocked out all the guards along the way, not really one for using guns, and had found where they had kept the Elves and Deer, but no one could tell him where the big fat red guy was. He looked at his watch and realized time was running out. He opened the last cell and signaled for the short pointy eared whatsits to move on.
"Come on, time to go. With my luck Hexx and Happy will be here...any...minute...you guys are standing behind me aren't you?"
"Yep!"
"You didn't happen to set the explosives for the distraction which helps us escape did you?"
A short pause.
"You still have them don't you?"
Another pause. Freakke rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Alright...I have a couple of Elves bringing the van around...we're just gonna set the bomb here, run like hell, and hope for the best. Ok?"
"Works for me."
"I like Plan Woot Woot!"
Yet another pause.
"Just let it go. I don't understand it either."
Freakke grabbed the bag and threw it as far behind them as he could. As he stood up, the massive minion blocked their path.
"Whoa ugly!"
This just pissed the oaf off but it made Freakke look up.
"Ooh, my care package has arrived."
"Care Package?"
"Yeah, I got a Perk that gets me one whenever I need it even though I don't have the Kill Streak built up for it."
"Oh, that makes...wait...what now?"
That's when the large man was tackled to the ground by an UFSS(Unidentified Falling Surgical Sandman). Dr. Dream stood up and stretched out before looking around.
"Dude...you need to stop using that Perk. I was in the frigging Bahamas."
"Well, thanks anyhow. I owe you won and all that."
"You owe me more than that. I was in a friggin hot tub."
Dr. Dream muttered away.
"This has been the weirdest week in my life, and I'm a wrestling voodoo priest."
"Meh."
The three of them then began to run. A moment later they slowed down ridiculously for a slow motion explosion sequence. It lasted far too long and thus we have been forced to cut to a commercial.
--- Commercial ---
Freakke woke up looking at smoldering debris and found himself inches away from his green van. Hexx lay a few feet away, also shaking off the effects of the blast. The clown got himself up and began looking for Mr. Happy. As Hexx came too, the back door of the van flung open.
"Guys we gotta go. We're running on fumes here."
Freakke turned back and a swarm of minions chased a solitary figure. He stood up squinting as Hexx finally joined him.
"Is that Happy?"
They continued to watch as the figure drew nearer. The man leapt through the air, turning back on his pursuers and laid waste to them with a barrage of small arms fire from both hands. He rolled back to his feet and then finally closed in on the dumbfounded wrestlers as a helicopter hovered close to the ground nearby.
"Is that Bruce Willis?"
"...I think it is."
Bruce Willis got into the helicopter and waved to the two as it flew off into the snowy Arctic sky.
"Probably making another Die Hard film"
"I really didn't like the last one."
"I didn't see it actually."
"Meh."
Mr. Happy then came into view, far off near where Bruce Willis came from with a fast food bag.
"Happy! Over here, we gotta go!"
Mr. Happy started to run as fast as he could but that wasn't very fast and only lasted for a bit. The minions had regrouped and were chasing the tubby clown now.
"Run Happy, Run."
Freakke and Hexx got into the back of the van getting ready to help their comrade jump in if necessary but the Elves wouldn't wait anymore. The van started to move forwards. Mr. Happy dropped the food and tried to make one last leap to the van...but fell thirty feet too short.
To Be Continued...
Just like the one we had last Year
Where Faces are Ass Kickin
And Heels are a Bitchin
Over Belts made of Gold
--- Dr. Hitler's Fortress, North Pole, The Day Before Christmas Eve ---
Two guards stood there at the side entrance of Dr. Hitler's nearly impregnable fortress. They stood there watching the door in the bitter cold. Not much happened in the North. The first minion guard turned to the next and out of nowhere asked the following question.
"If you were to ever see your own words, what color would they be?"
The other guard turned back to him and replied curtly.
"What kind of question is that? I should think it would be blue but why on Earth would you ask such an outrageous thing?"
"I don't know, something to do. Alright how about me then? What color am I?"
"I'd say you were more of a red. It's still an odd question. Whats on your mind?"
"Well, I was just thinking. What if we're part of some elaborate scheme of mad writings and are as such fictitious characters who really have no point other than to move said story along through some smaller sections. Wouldn't it be fun to have a colored voice?"
There was a pause.
"That's so stupid. We aren't even paid to think and there you are having all this silly nonsense running in your head. We're supposed to be watching for any intruders."
"Oh come off it. We haven't seen anybody and I kinda doubt we will. There isn't anybody up here but them elves and all that. We have them all rounded up. So whats the matter with chatting while we watch?"
"I suppose, but remember to keep a look out for moving boxes. You remember our last job right?"
"Speaking of, did you know that the need for minions is actually going up? There aren't enough of us these days."
"Well duh. Anybody with a brain knows that. After the last thirty forty years anyone dumb enough to be a minion deserves to be shot by the first hero with any sort of skill..."
A pause.
"So...what did you decide to go with? 401k or stock options?"
"Neither. Stocks are too risky and I'll never build up enough in the 401k to be used. None of these endeavors last long enough."
"I know I've mentioned this but I still think we should have a union."
"Not this again...listen, nameless minions will have a union when I bag me my first MI6 agent. It just isn't happening."
"What about that one time you accidentally..."
"YOU CAN"T PROVE IT! It was an accident, I was drunk, and there were no witnesses."
As they continued to talk, three card board boxes with feet walked straight passed the two through the unlocked door.
"Oh come off it, you got a plaque for that."
"Yeah, I got a plague for freezing a guy in carbonite by accident. Big whoop."
"Hey, your resume looks good at least."
"True...wasn't that door closed?"
"I unno. I'm liking the warm breeze though."
The second guard nodded his head and they resumed their ever vigil watch.
--- Inside Dr. Hitler's Fortress ---
Freakke, Hexx, and Mr. Happy all ditched the cardboard boxes. They were all wearing camo, but Mr. Happy's Ga-Ko pajamas stuck out like a sore thumb...but strangely every so often the three would here an odd squeeky noise from one direction or the other.
"Alright, everybody know the plan?"
"We distract them, you rescue the Elves, the Deer, and the Claus', we get the hell out of here."
"Pretty much."
"It was so nice of that Old Man to give us all these toys."
"Happy...those are grenades..."
Mr. Happy made a face realizing something and then looked confused.
"Alright, lock and load."
Freakke and Hexx both reached into the bags they held and pulled out a variety of guns and other such weapons. Happy pulled out a Super Soaker. With a simple nod, Freakke went off down the hall.
"Alright Happy, we've gotta do what we've gotta do."
"Right."
"Let's get out of here before Freakke realizes we're gone."
Mr. Happy had already gone though. Hexx watched as the chubby clown stepped into the Mess Hall, where most of the guards and workers sat. They watched in horror as the clown put on a pair of cheap sun glasses.
"I have come here, to chew some bubble gum, and give out lots of hugs...and I'm all out of gum."
There was a long awkward silence. As the guards finally sprung to action Hexx burst through the door and laid onto the trigger of an RPD. A long spray of bullets erupted from the gun as the Mess Hall turned into a scene from a Call of Duty game. Mr. Happy sat there pumping his Super Soaker and Spraying anyone who got too close. When Hexx finally ran out of ammo, the dust began to settle and the members of Magically Delicious looked around to see what they had done. Tables over turned, bullet holes everywhere, and not a single shot hit its mark. The stunned minions all looked up to see if it was over. Hexx went wide eyed and dropped the gun. Mr. Happy was still spraying one of the bigger thugs, who had started to raise himself to his full height.
"Happy..."
"Yeah?"
"Remember what I told you to do when we got in trouble?"
"Run like crazy?"
"Yeah that. Let's do that now."
"OK!"
Mr. Happy handed the Super Soaker to the large thug and ran back the way they came. Hexx followed suit as almost two hundred angry. nameless minions rushed them from the mess hall.
"I am gonna kill Freakke! What does any of this have to do with Christmas?!?"
"THIS IS THE BEST SAVING CHRISTMAS WE"VE EVER SAVED!!!"
--- Meanwhile ---
Freakke had knocked out all the guards along the way, not really one for using guns, and had found where they had kept the Elves and Deer, but no one could tell him where the big fat red guy was. He looked at his watch and realized time was running out. He opened the last cell and signaled for the short pointy eared whatsits to move on.
"Come on, time to go. With my luck Hexx and Happy will be here...any...minute...you guys are standing behind me aren't you?"
"Yep!"
"You didn't happen to set the explosives for the distraction which helps us escape did you?"
A short pause.
"You still have them don't you?"
Another pause. Freakke rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Alright...I have a couple of Elves bringing the van around...we're just gonna set the bomb here, run like hell, and hope for the best. Ok?"
"Works for me."
"I like Plan Woot Woot!"
Yet another pause.
"Just let it go. I don't understand it either."
Freakke grabbed the bag and threw it as far behind them as he could. As he stood up, the massive minion blocked their path.
"Whoa ugly!"
This just pissed the oaf off but it made Freakke look up.
"Ooh, my care package has arrived."
"Care Package?"
"Yeah, I got a Perk that gets me one whenever I need it even though I don't have the Kill Streak built up for it."
"Oh, that makes...wait...what now?"
That's when the large man was tackled to the ground by an UFSS(Unidentified Falling Surgical Sandman). Dr. Dream stood up and stretched out before looking around.
"Dude...you need to stop using that Perk. I was in the frigging Bahamas."
"Well, thanks anyhow. I owe you won and all that."
"You owe me more than that. I was in a friggin hot tub."
Dr. Dream muttered away.
"This has been the weirdest week in my life, and I'm a wrestling voodoo priest."
"Meh."
The three of them then began to run. A moment later they slowed down ridiculously for a slow motion explosion sequence. It lasted far too long and thus we have been forced to cut to a commercial.
--- Commercial ---
Freakke woke up looking at smoldering debris and found himself inches away from his green van. Hexx lay a few feet away, also shaking off the effects of the blast. The clown got himself up and began looking for Mr. Happy. As Hexx came too, the back door of the van flung open.
"Guys we gotta go. We're running on fumes here."
Freakke turned back and a swarm of minions chased a solitary figure. He stood up squinting as Hexx finally joined him.
"Is that Happy?"
They continued to watch as the figure drew nearer. The man leapt through the air, turning back on his pursuers and laid waste to them with a barrage of small arms fire from both hands. He rolled back to his feet and then finally closed in on the dumbfounded wrestlers as a helicopter hovered close to the ground nearby.
"Is that Bruce Willis?"
"...I think it is."
Bruce Willis got into the helicopter and waved to the two as it flew off into the snowy Arctic sky.
"Probably making another Die Hard film"
"I really didn't like the last one."
"I didn't see it actually."
"Meh."
Mr. Happy then came into view, far off near where Bruce Willis came from with a fast food bag.
"Happy! Over here, we gotta go!"
Mr. Happy started to run as fast as he could but that wasn't very fast and only lasted for a bit. The minions had regrouped and were chasing the tubby clown now.
"Run Happy, Run."
Freakke and Hexx got into the back of the van getting ready to help their comrade jump in if necessary but the Elves wouldn't wait anymore. The van started to move forwards. Mr. Happy dropped the food and tried to make one last leap to the van...but fell thirty feet too short.
To Be Continued...