Post by Ayla St. James on Oct 20, 2012 1:52:04 GMT -6
I've become adept at raising my armor. I used to pretend to be other people so people wouldn't see the flaws in me. My acting mentor once told me that the benefits of being an actor was a surge of confidence, because you could always pretend to be someone who was better than you thought of yourself. So when people would find my flaws, I would just brush those people aside, because those people didn't matter. But sometimes at night, when I'm alone, things just creep back in, and I find myself analyzing those things that were said, and I start to break, chipping away piece by piece. [/i]
You sure you're alright?
Emma noticed that Ayla had suddenly slowed, then finally stopped. She looked lost, and even though their eyes met, she didn't think that Ayla was even looking at her. More like lost in her own little world.
Right now it's hard to focus. Hard to put on my big girl pants and put forth my best effort in, well, anything that I do. I could make excuses as to why, tell you of all the things that plague my mind lately, but that just seems like the easy way out. No, plain and simple, I had a chance, and I got beat. Some people might say that it was some kind of embarassment, being you know, this premier starlet as they keep calling me, getting beat by someone who's had a handful of matches at best. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I had the chance to suck it up and move, and I didn't do it. I'm not begging for sympathy, but I'm not sure if I'm just in a slump, or totally falling apart. [/i]
Hmmm?
Are you alright? You seem distracted.
Oh, I'm fine.
Why do you lie to me?
Because you'll believe it?
Emma put her hands on her hips, and Ayla just smiled sweetly. Emma shook her head slowly.
Yes, because this is my I believe you face.
....Sorry.
What's the matter?
I.. I don't know.
Is it about Kyle?
I'm.. not even sure. He won't tell me what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong. With him, or with me.
Sorry to hear that.
Thanks. But.. I think we'll be ok.
I worked really hard, trying not to tell generic lies. And I know the "we'll be ok" bit has been overused by everyone under the sun, but what else do you say when you have no idea what to do? I feel like we're driving the car, but neither one of us have the ability to grab the wheel, and it's all just spiraling out of control. [/i]
Emma just stared at her. She didn't believe a word she said, there was something wrong in her world, but there was no words that came to her to help. Instead, she just reached out and pulled Ayla into a hug.
You're a chucklehead, you know that?
So I've been told. Thanks, Ems.
You know you can talk to me about anything.
I know.. I just don't know what I'm actually feeling, or even what's going on. I feel like I'm fighting a hopeless battle completely unarmed.
I've been there before.
It's hard to tell someone, even someone you trust, someone who has your back, that you feel like a page is turning against your wishes. Maybe it's because of the choices I made, maybe it's because of complete happenstance, but it's one of the most horrifying things I've ever had to experience. And I don't know whether to just scream and run, or fight with everything I got. But I know the harder I fight for one thing, the further some other thing slips away from me. [/i]
It'll be ok. Let's just focus on this week, ok?
Are you sure you'll be ready?
I'm going to try. And I apologize in advance if I falter.
It'll be alright. We'll get through this.
That, I have no doubt. But.. will we ever be the same? Will it ever be good again?
Two weeks ago, Cynthia Warren told me that she really, really, wanted to beat me. I'll ignore the whole thing about backhanded me insulting me by calling me a failure when it matters. But honestly, it got me thinking. Does being an original make me any more special than anybody else? The easy answer is no, I'm just another chick on the roster who's trying to make a career out of the jumbled mess that has become what was once her perfect life. And that got me to thinking what kind of memories I would leave behind here, and if I would be satisfied with it if it ended as it is. Truthfully...
I have no idea.
I'm not the best person to give advice about anything. Looking at it, I'm just a ball of wasted potential. Out of the originals, the ones that remain have all been the champion at some point, except me. Two chances, on the biggest stages against the best women wrestlers the company has ever had step through the ropes, and in both I floundered spectacularly. Even though I tried my best to convince myself that I was ready to have the pressure of being champion put on me, I crumpled like a wet rag. I can make all the excuses that I want, about being nervous or being inexperienced, but in reality my mind felt all the desire in the world, and my heart wasn't in it. Not completely. And the competition fed on it like a shark and devoured it whole.
Story of my life, I guess.
The first acting job I ever had was on a low budget sitcom in Canada, and literally three episodes in, my understudy was picking apart my performances, convincing the director that if HE ever wanted to be anything in the business, he needed to get rid of me. That my acting was reflecting badly on HIS ability to direct, and I was the problem. And I just let it all happen. I saw the signs, the warnings that were coming across, all the late night whispers in his ear, and rather than fight for my livlihood, I just let it all fall to the wayside, and now.. I'm just doing it again.
Part of my nature, I guess.
But, I look at Emma's face, and I see her determined eyes, and I know that she wants better for me than I feel I deserve. She stood behind me when I was down, and was always there to pick me up when I stumbled. That is a debt I can never repay. And even though my life seems to be crumbling around me, when I have someone looking to me to fight for them as they have for me, I can find the strength to stand. It was the same with Sandy that it's been with Aly and Ems. What I want, what my dreams are, doesn't matter. What matters is our dream, the dream we all share.
I wish I had something insulting for either Cynthia or Ashley. Really, I did. But I was always taught that if you tried to pick apart another's flaws, you had to be prepared for someone to look at you under the microscope. And there's enough in there that anyone with half a brain stem could talk for days on end. So, no, I'm not going to do that at all. It won't change what anyone else has to say about me, but at this point, it just seems like a waste of time. I have to find my heart first before I can try to destroy someone else's.
I'm going to come out to the ring this week, and I'm going to fight as hard as I can. Not because it means everything to me, but because there's going to be someone standing at my side who believes in me. And regardless of your opinions of her looks and demeanor, I find her to be a greater person than half the people who've walked through these doors. She's the real professional here..
I'm just trying my best to keep up.
You'll get everything I got. That, I promise, you. What you accept out of that, is up to you.
Kisses,
Love Ayla.
You sure you're alright?
Emma noticed that Ayla had suddenly slowed, then finally stopped. She looked lost, and even though their eyes met, she didn't think that Ayla was even looking at her. More like lost in her own little world.
Right now it's hard to focus. Hard to put on my big girl pants and put forth my best effort in, well, anything that I do. I could make excuses as to why, tell you of all the things that plague my mind lately, but that just seems like the easy way out. No, plain and simple, I had a chance, and I got beat. Some people might say that it was some kind of embarassment, being you know, this premier starlet as they keep calling me, getting beat by someone who's had a handful of matches at best. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I had the chance to suck it up and move, and I didn't do it. I'm not begging for sympathy, but I'm not sure if I'm just in a slump, or totally falling apart. [/i]
Hmmm?
Are you alright? You seem distracted.
Oh, I'm fine.
Why do you lie to me?
Because you'll believe it?
Emma put her hands on her hips, and Ayla just smiled sweetly. Emma shook her head slowly.
Yes, because this is my I believe you face.
....Sorry.
What's the matter?
I.. I don't know.
Is it about Kyle?
I'm.. not even sure. He won't tell me what's wrong. I don't know what's wrong. With him, or with me.
Sorry to hear that.
Thanks. But.. I think we'll be ok.
I worked really hard, trying not to tell generic lies. And I know the "we'll be ok" bit has been overused by everyone under the sun, but what else do you say when you have no idea what to do? I feel like we're driving the car, but neither one of us have the ability to grab the wheel, and it's all just spiraling out of control. [/i]
Emma just stared at her. She didn't believe a word she said, there was something wrong in her world, but there was no words that came to her to help. Instead, she just reached out and pulled Ayla into a hug.
You're a chucklehead, you know that?
So I've been told. Thanks, Ems.
You know you can talk to me about anything.
I know.. I just don't know what I'm actually feeling, or even what's going on. I feel like I'm fighting a hopeless battle completely unarmed.
I've been there before.
It's hard to tell someone, even someone you trust, someone who has your back, that you feel like a page is turning against your wishes. Maybe it's because of the choices I made, maybe it's because of complete happenstance, but it's one of the most horrifying things I've ever had to experience. And I don't know whether to just scream and run, or fight with everything I got. But I know the harder I fight for one thing, the further some other thing slips away from me. [/i]
It'll be ok. Let's just focus on this week, ok?
Are you sure you'll be ready?
I'm going to try. And I apologize in advance if I falter.
It'll be alright. We'll get through this.
That, I have no doubt. But.. will we ever be the same? Will it ever be good again?
Two weeks ago, Cynthia Warren told me that she really, really, wanted to beat me. I'll ignore the whole thing about backhanded me insulting me by calling me a failure when it matters. But honestly, it got me thinking. Does being an original make me any more special than anybody else? The easy answer is no, I'm just another chick on the roster who's trying to make a career out of the jumbled mess that has become what was once her perfect life. And that got me to thinking what kind of memories I would leave behind here, and if I would be satisfied with it if it ended as it is. Truthfully...
I have no idea.
I'm not the best person to give advice about anything. Looking at it, I'm just a ball of wasted potential. Out of the originals, the ones that remain have all been the champion at some point, except me. Two chances, on the biggest stages against the best women wrestlers the company has ever had step through the ropes, and in both I floundered spectacularly. Even though I tried my best to convince myself that I was ready to have the pressure of being champion put on me, I crumpled like a wet rag. I can make all the excuses that I want, about being nervous or being inexperienced, but in reality my mind felt all the desire in the world, and my heart wasn't in it. Not completely. And the competition fed on it like a shark and devoured it whole.
Story of my life, I guess.
The first acting job I ever had was on a low budget sitcom in Canada, and literally three episodes in, my understudy was picking apart my performances, convincing the director that if HE ever wanted to be anything in the business, he needed to get rid of me. That my acting was reflecting badly on HIS ability to direct, and I was the problem. And I just let it all happen. I saw the signs, the warnings that were coming across, all the late night whispers in his ear, and rather than fight for my livlihood, I just let it all fall to the wayside, and now.. I'm just doing it again.
Part of my nature, I guess.
But, I look at Emma's face, and I see her determined eyes, and I know that she wants better for me than I feel I deserve. She stood behind me when I was down, and was always there to pick me up when I stumbled. That is a debt I can never repay. And even though my life seems to be crumbling around me, when I have someone looking to me to fight for them as they have for me, I can find the strength to stand. It was the same with Sandy that it's been with Aly and Ems. What I want, what my dreams are, doesn't matter. What matters is our dream, the dream we all share.
I wish I had something insulting for either Cynthia or Ashley. Really, I did. But I was always taught that if you tried to pick apart another's flaws, you had to be prepared for someone to look at you under the microscope. And there's enough in there that anyone with half a brain stem could talk for days on end. So, no, I'm not going to do that at all. It won't change what anyone else has to say about me, but at this point, it just seems like a waste of time. I have to find my heart first before I can try to destroy someone else's.
I'm going to come out to the ring this week, and I'm going to fight as hard as I can. Not because it means everything to me, but because there's going to be someone standing at my side who believes in me. And regardless of your opinions of her looks and demeanor, I find her to be a greater person than half the people who've walked through these doors. She's the real professional here..
I'm just trying my best to keep up.
You'll get everything I got. That, I promise, you. What you accept out of that, is up to you.
Kisses,
Love Ayla.