Post by Emma Danielson on Oct 20, 2012 6:51:38 GMT -6
”I wish I could say that things were going to be different. I wish I could say that we were going to triumph no matter what, that our indomitable spirit is what keeps the message of BWA alive…but I feel like we were dead a long time ago. I feel like I was never meant to be part of this crusade, oddly. Because that wasn’t my fight. I didn’t care who showed up, as long as they cared about what we do and weren’t just here for a paycheck. I know that Cynthia Warren dealt a loss to my partner and friend…and that Ashlie is best friends with the woman that holds that title. And I know that no matter how hard I try to fight, I may never get respect in this company ever again.”
“Oh sure, I’ll get lip service here and there. But it’ll immediately be followed up by how much of a joke I am. And you know what? I’ve heard it so much, I’m starting to believe it. They’re making me question myself. Have I really fallen that low that I let a bunch of insult-slinging morons get the better of me? Apparently…otherwise I wouldn’t be in the spot I am today. I know I can be the best…I think I can be…but will I ever really be something more than just another big, dumb opponent for the Flavor of the Mont h to beat? While they tear into town and light it up, I’m trudging along, like a good little foot soldier, because that’s what I was told to do.”
“Because even if I can’t cut it anymore, I want there to be people here that still give a crap about what women’s wrestling can be. I’m not saying we need to be the men, and I’m not saying we need to be this hypersexualized freakshow, for lack of a better word. I just want to know that there will always be people that love what we do and want to be part of something that I’ve considered my pride and joy. No matter who I lose to, this is still here because of people like me. I laid that foundation…and if it’s time that I get laid to rest beside it, then that’s how it goes. Nothing I can change.”
“But since this is Cynthia Warren and Ashlie, I’m not going to just roll over and die. I still care a damn lot about this company and what we do, and that means that I’m still invested in going out there and kicking all kinds of ass because that’s what it’ll take to one day be the woman with that title around her waist. I know that this road is going to be long and rocky and every other cliché you can think of. I’ve got all sorts of bull**** I need to carry on my back. This therapy, the fact that the man in charge is a power-tripping balding bastard…the thought that at any moment either me or Ayla could be fired…it’s weighing on me. And there’s only so much I can do before it drives me right off the deep end.”
“I know who Ashlie is, I know what she’s done. I know that Cynthia Warren used to be a nurse, and is currently in the business of being as much of a tremendous pain in the ass as possible. I know that Ayla St. James is the best woman never to be World Champion, and I know that you’re throwing me right in the middle with a fuse shorter than hell. These aren’t just combustible elements. These are the recipe for a total trainwreck. And at the end of the day, all I’m supposed to do is be the one who’s standing above the carnage with my hand raised in the air. I think I can handle that. Nothing too complicated…just point and smash. Even if I’ve been told rather clearly that that’s all I’m good for…damn, am I good at it. Say your prayers, girls…win, lose or draw, someone’s gonna end up hurt.”[/i]
Open back in the office of Dr. Halperin. Emma drums her fingers on the armrest of the couch as he looks back over at her with that same eerily friendly smile and a bright canary yellow sweater. She shakes her head, muttering to herself as he shuffles his notes and quietly clears his throat before speaking.
”Well, Emma, how did you feel our goal from last week went? Did you notice a particular difference in how your behavior was without intoxicants? Obviously your match didn’t go quite as we would have hoped, but I’m more concerned with how your personal life went.”
Emma looks at him like he’s the massibe idiot that she thinks him to be, rolling here yees and sighing at this comment before speaking.
”It was effin’ miserable. I have a migraine, I’m cranky, and we lost. And now I’ve got to deal with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumbass on Trauma. There’s…one good thing about this. I get to see Ayla again. It’s been way too damn long since I got to spend time with her, and that means a lot…because I think she needs me. And I need her. I need to be able to talk to her and realize that I’m not the only one going through some bullcrap right now. Need a shoulder to lean on that isn’t just Andrew again…”
Dr. Halperin nods, and he seems to have spotted his opening.
”That’s really intriguing, Emma. Why is it that you feel so strongly about Ayla? Is it because you’re friends or do you think that this is another coping mechanism? I’m just asking because I want to know how you deal with the various stresses in your life, so that we can make a more complete plan about how to manage them in a safer, healthier way.”
Emma shoots Halperin the mother of all dirty looks, rolling her eyes at his obliviousness, and sits back, folding her hands.
”I…I dunno. I know she’s my friend. I know that I wish I’d gotten to know the real Ayla St. James a long time ago. Underneath what I saw as a completely vapid and superficial exterior, she’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever known. She’s caring, she’s sweet, she’s got a hell of a sense of humor when she isn’t on the Mopey Express…I think she’s just too hard on herself. I…I hope everything’s alright with her and Kyle. She deserves someone that can be there for her like he can…I’m just not that person, I guess.”
She shakes her head, clearly dismayed that there’s nothing she can do to help her friend. The doctor nods, taking notes as he did previously, and flips the pen in his hand before tapping it on his clipboard, pondering.
”Emma, we’ve talked a lot about one of the issues you’re here to confront, but I feel like we’ve been neglecting the other. And I know that you and I both want the best for you. I think if we spend the majority of our next session talking about your…well, I don’t know if I’d go as far as Mr. Conway did and make a diagnosis, but you clearly have self-esteem deficiencies. I want to talk about that with you. If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to step out. Don’t go anywhere.”
He flashes a cheesy grin at her, standing and walking out of the room Emma runs a hand through her hair, sighing, and pulls out her phone, looking at the background she’s set: a picture of Ayla, Alysson and herself celebrating after Battlegrounds. She smiles softly, chuckling to herself, and shakes her head, putting the phone away again. Emma stares at the floor, muttering hollowly to herself.
”Where did we…where did I go wrong…”
Fade to black on Danielson’s troubled expression, worry written across her face.
“Oh sure, I’ll get lip service here and there. But it’ll immediately be followed up by how much of a joke I am. And you know what? I’ve heard it so much, I’m starting to believe it. They’re making me question myself. Have I really fallen that low that I let a bunch of insult-slinging morons get the better of me? Apparently…otherwise I wouldn’t be in the spot I am today. I know I can be the best…I think I can be…but will I ever really be something more than just another big, dumb opponent for the Flavor of the Mont h to beat? While they tear into town and light it up, I’m trudging along, like a good little foot soldier, because that’s what I was told to do.”
“Because even if I can’t cut it anymore, I want there to be people here that still give a crap about what women’s wrestling can be. I’m not saying we need to be the men, and I’m not saying we need to be this hypersexualized freakshow, for lack of a better word. I just want to know that there will always be people that love what we do and want to be part of something that I’ve considered my pride and joy. No matter who I lose to, this is still here because of people like me. I laid that foundation…and if it’s time that I get laid to rest beside it, then that’s how it goes. Nothing I can change.”
“But since this is Cynthia Warren and Ashlie, I’m not going to just roll over and die. I still care a damn lot about this company and what we do, and that means that I’m still invested in going out there and kicking all kinds of ass because that’s what it’ll take to one day be the woman with that title around her waist. I know that this road is going to be long and rocky and every other cliché you can think of. I’ve got all sorts of bull**** I need to carry on my back. This therapy, the fact that the man in charge is a power-tripping balding bastard…the thought that at any moment either me or Ayla could be fired…it’s weighing on me. And there’s only so much I can do before it drives me right off the deep end.”
“I know who Ashlie is, I know what she’s done. I know that Cynthia Warren used to be a nurse, and is currently in the business of being as much of a tremendous pain in the ass as possible. I know that Ayla St. James is the best woman never to be World Champion, and I know that you’re throwing me right in the middle with a fuse shorter than hell. These aren’t just combustible elements. These are the recipe for a total trainwreck. And at the end of the day, all I’m supposed to do is be the one who’s standing above the carnage with my hand raised in the air. I think I can handle that. Nothing too complicated…just point and smash. Even if I’ve been told rather clearly that that’s all I’m good for…damn, am I good at it. Say your prayers, girls…win, lose or draw, someone’s gonna end up hurt.”[/i]
Open back in the office of Dr. Halperin. Emma drums her fingers on the armrest of the couch as he looks back over at her with that same eerily friendly smile and a bright canary yellow sweater. She shakes her head, muttering to herself as he shuffles his notes and quietly clears his throat before speaking.
”Well, Emma, how did you feel our goal from last week went? Did you notice a particular difference in how your behavior was without intoxicants? Obviously your match didn’t go quite as we would have hoped, but I’m more concerned with how your personal life went.”
Emma looks at him like he’s the massibe idiot that she thinks him to be, rolling here yees and sighing at this comment before speaking.
”It was effin’ miserable. I have a migraine, I’m cranky, and we lost. And now I’ve got to deal with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumbass on Trauma. There’s…one good thing about this. I get to see Ayla again. It’s been way too damn long since I got to spend time with her, and that means a lot…because I think she needs me. And I need her. I need to be able to talk to her and realize that I’m not the only one going through some bullcrap right now. Need a shoulder to lean on that isn’t just Andrew again…”
Dr. Halperin nods, and he seems to have spotted his opening.
”That’s really intriguing, Emma. Why is it that you feel so strongly about Ayla? Is it because you’re friends or do you think that this is another coping mechanism? I’m just asking because I want to know how you deal with the various stresses in your life, so that we can make a more complete plan about how to manage them in a safer, healthier way.”
Emma shoots Halperin the mother of all dirty looks, rolling her eyes at his obliviousness, and sits back, folding her hands.
”I…I dunno. I know she’s my friend. I know that I wish I’d gotten to know the real Ayla St. James a long time ago. Underneath what I saw as a completely vapid and superficial exterior, she’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever known. She’s caring, she’s sweet, she’s got a hell of a sense of humor when she isn’t on the Mopey Express…I think she’s just too hard on herself. I…I hope everything’s alright with her and Kyle. She deserves someone that can be there for her like he can…I’m just not that person, I guess.”
She shakes her head, clearly dismayed that there’s nothing she can do to help her friend. The doctor nods, taking notes as he did previously, and flips the pen in his hand before tapping it on his clipboard, pondering.
”Emma, we’ve talked a lot about one of the issues you’re here to confront, but I feel like we’ve been neglecting the other. And I know that you and I both want the best for you. I think if we spend the majority of our next session talking about your…well, I don’t know if I’d go as far as Mr. Conway did and make a diagnosis, but you clearly have self-esteem deficiencies. I want to talk about that with you. If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to step out. Don’t go anywhere.”
He flashes a cheesy grin at her, standing and walking out of the room Emma runs a hand through her hair, sighing, and pulls out her phone, looking at the background she’s set: a picture of Ayla, Alysson and herself celebrating after Battlegrounds. She smiles softly, chuckling to herself, and shakes her head, putting the phone away again. Emma stares at the floor, muttering hollowly to herself.
”Where did we…where did I go wrong…”
Fade to black on Danielson’s troubled expression, worry written across her face.