Post by Xavier Cross on May 11, 2013 15:47:29 GMT -6
Xavier
Will
Rob Diamond
Steve Awesome
God
Zelda Knite
Cari Cross
Chapter One
The Red Pill
“Holy cheese and crackers…”
Xavier sits up, looking around, realizing he’s in a hospital bed. A draft passes across his bare ass, hanging out of the hospital robe. An alarm goes off, as a handful of nurses run in like bees, swarming around Xavier’s bed. He looks a little frighten at first, finally the shock wears off as his head starts to pound.
“Mr. Cross, lay down.”
“You’re not my real dad!”
“Oh god, he’s experiencing regressive behavior…this head injury may be worse than expected…”
“It’s really not that bad…”
“I’m in a hospital what are you talking about…”
“And he’s talking to himself!”
“You idiot, they can’t hear me. Only you can hear me…”
Xavier looks around, his face draining in color before fainting on the bed. The nurses swarm once more to keep him stable.
“What a moron…”
-A few hours later…-
Cross is being wheeled out of the hospital by Will Washington, a concerned look on his face.
“Thanks for bailing me out homie.”
“You were in the hospital holmes, not a prison..”
“You don’t know what it was like on the inside man, terrible food, and a semi comfortable bed. With Cable TV. CABLE!”
“White people problems. Jesus..”
“You know, you shouldn’t complain so much…”
“What are you talking about Will?”
“White people problems?”
“No, about me complaining…”
“He can’t hear me either…”
Cross again looking confused, eyes looking around the parking lot. Shaking his head, it must have just been the side effects.
“Keep telling yourself that!”
“WHO ARE YOU?!”
“Will…Washington? You okay there little buddy.”
The scene warps to Gilligan’s Island, Will is dressed as the skipper, and Cross like Gilligan. This frightens Cross’s immediately, looking around, losing color in his face.
“I am your god.”
“Okay, I’m talking in my head now. So Will doesn’t think I’m insane. What the hell…”
“Let me make it simple. You don’t actually exist, and somehow, that ridiculous match I put together against yourself and Gib, must have broken enough ridiculous barriers for us to directly communicate.”
“What do you mean…I don’t exist?”
“You’re a figment of my imagination, a created story character placed into a fictional universe called New Championship Wrestling, created by a man named Adam.”
“Adam Knite?”
“Sort of. Adam Knite is a handle for the real Adam, who’s last name is being disclosed due to an ongoing drug investigation.”
“Seriously?”
“No you idiot. Anyway, you’ve seen the Matrix. Oh of course you have, you do anything I want you to do..”
“Huh?”
“Imagine that you swallowed the Red Pill…”
“No way. I have a family, I had a wife, I have a girlfriend, friends, enemies…”
“All fiction. All written stories by a group of guys who love wrestling and the company of other men. No homo.”
“…what do you mean…”
“Let’s see, Rob Diamond and Angel are the same person, Steve Awesome is really a stoner, Andrew Jacobsen is a baby faced young man with the voice of a god, and Will Washington is known as Deez in the real world. He’s been my best friend for eh, 17 years now?”
“This is insane…I have to be dreaming.”
“You want to see Cari again?”
“…you can do that…”
“This is my imagination Xavier, I can do whatever I want. I can make you black and two feet tall, but that would defeat the purpose…”
“You can bring Cari back to life?”
“Well…technically she’s not dead. There is an idea floating around my small circle that she had to fake her death because her relationship with you got too messed up, because she was a secret undercover DEA agent, tracking a notorious black market leader, one Mike Honcho, she fell in love with you, and almost forgot her mission. Long story short, they were going to figure out who she was, but it all died with Cari Cross on that operating table. Technically she’s back in Washington, D.C. putting a case together against Mike Honcho…”
“…Cari is…alive?”
“Well technically, with a snap of my fingers she’s alive or dead, it depends on what I want. Plus I’m not a cheap comic book company, I’m not going to magically bring her back to life for cheap entertainment…”
“Will you do it for me? Hear me out. Please. I may be some sort of fictional creature, but this is real. I’ve felt everything, every broken bone, bruise, tear, failure, and success. I’ve also felt love, and loss. I understand you’re some god-like being, so I’m asking you please, if only for a moment. Let me hold my wife one last time.”
“What about Zelda?”
“How do I even know these feelings are even my own! Or just some cheap soap opera..”
“How dare you demand from your god?!"
“Why don’t I just blow my brains out! Right now!”
“Because, I wouldn’t let you. Your decisions are based solely on my will.”
“Then how am I responding to you.”
“Because, I just got off work, and I need to have this posted.”
“Posted?”
“It’s all part of a website. I can’t tell you the address because there is a theory that you all have a life of your own when we’re not paying attention. So, if I give you the address, it’s kind of like dividing by zero. The world would collapse on itself, you know, quantum mechanics.”
Cross slowly slips back into reality, realizing he was sitting in the car, Will driving, cursing at the radio for playing Bruno Mars back-to-back.
“Now, you have to get some rest, and heal up. The last collision is coming up. Depending on how I feel, I may just allow you to spend time with Cari.”
“Wait! If this is all your world. Then why am I able to talk to you, why can’t you just repair it and this never happened?”
“Because….last collision ever Brent, can’t hold anything back.”
“Did you just quote the waterboy…”
Chapter 2
The Real Legend of Zelda
“Oh god Xavier…Xavier…oh god…Tha-That’s amazing!”
Soft moaning is heard, as we pan out to see Xavier giving Zelda Knite a back massage. Cross looks up at the camera, giving it a wink.
“So yeah…Simon, totally touching…”
Cross dry humps the air.
Chapter 3
BROOOOOOOO-MAAAANCEEEE
The scene opens to a front yard, where Steve Awesome and Xavier Cross are playing catch, Steve catches the ball, hesitating a brief moment Xavier’s face washing over with a realization, but before he can shout out, the baseball connects with his forehead.
“Son of a bitch!”
Steve begins laughing, as he rushes over to Xavier’s side. Cross lays there, his eyes doing that cartoon knocked out swirling ideas
“Really, back again?”
“I need to stop taking things to the dome.”
“I got a surprise...”
“…wha…”
“Hello Xavier”
“Cari!?”
Steve is standing over Xavier, slapping his face trying to wake up.
“Hey, someone else is getting slapped! Hooray!”
“….god…damn it…I hate everyone…”
“C’mon buddy you wanna get ice cream?!”
“ICE CREAM!”
The two men are back on their feet, looking around, as if they had capes. Sweet capes.
“TO THE BRO-MANCE MOBILE!”
Steve pulls out a weird remote control looking device.
“Try not the Dale…oh that’s just tasteless.”
A 2014 Ferrari Custom, painted purple with black and yellow racing stripes whips around the corner, driverless. Steve and Cross fist bump before running into the car. Cross leaps through the window and Steve slides across hood, before getting in the driver seat as the two men speed off into the streets for ice cream.
“Wait…wait!”
“Hmm?”
“You came over, and we just started throwing a ball around. Now you’re taking me out for ice cream. HOLY CRAP YOU’RE BANGING MY MOM!”
Cross fidgets around, trying to open the door and escape. Steve starts laughing hysterically.
“You’re an idiot…”
“I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ANDREA JACOBSEN!”
Almost like a PTSD war flashback, Cross is starring out of the window, remembering of his shenanigans with Steve, some of which involved accidentally walking on him porking Andrew Jacobsen’s mother.
“C’mon buddy. Let’s get ice cream…”
“ICE CREAM!”
Chapter 4
Team Building Exercise!
Will Washington, and Xavier Cross are making their way down a broken, dirt path down to a small camp. Wearing Team Brodeo Drive t-shirts.
“I still think we should have went with, ‘A Good Day to Die, Lethal Weapon 6, Secret of the Ooze, 2, Electric Boogaloo”
“A.) No, and B.) Shut Up.”
“Well, fine!”
The camera pans down, to show Rob Diamond, looking far too cool for school, Steve Awesome is making his way out of a port-a-jon. The four men look at each other, crossing looks from one another. We see Steve and Rob are wearing ‘In-Famous t-shirts’
“Brodeo Drive?”
“In Famous? What, are you banging Celine Dion?”
“Really, you hear the word famous and you go for Dion.”
“What, my heart will go on!”
“Someone is going to murder you before this day is over.”
“Your wife murdered me!”
“…coming from the widower…”
“….”
A loud whistle breaks the back and forth before someone said something really awkward. The four men look at each other, and then look up to the front, we see a woman standing at least 4’6” even. Her hair dark, short, and her mustache darker and angier. Yes, you read that correctly. She is basically Joe Everyman’s perfect woman.
“Who..who the hell are you..”
“Rob shut up!”
“You shut up Cross!”
The whistle blows again.
“Sweet mercy god my ears!”
“Shut up!”
“You shut up!”
The whistle blows a third time, followed by a hose that sprays the four men.
“Alright ladies. You four need team training. My name is Veronica Anderson-Swatzi and I’m here to whip dat ass into shape.”
“So…Steve, you should totally bang her while we go find the mess hall.”
“….What?! Hell no!”
“TO THE OBSTACLE COURSE!”
-30 minutes later-
We see the four men, beaten and bruised, laying in various piles.
Xavier Cross is stuck in a series of tree ropes.
Will Washington laying face down in a mud pile, completely covered, little bubbles slowly cultivating.
Rob Diamond has his foot stuck in a fence.
Steve Awesome is show face first stuck in a tree.
“Alright ladies. You’ve passed most of my tests on your own, but you’ve found yourself in sticky predicaments! Now if you worked as a team, you wouldn’t find yourself stuck right now. So now, you all get to stay up there, until you learn team work!”
The whistle blows, and the him-she walks away. The four men groan.
“Okay let’s figure this out!”
“SHUT UP CROSS!”
“That is completely the opposite of what we need to do!”
“You know, all I wanted to do was start a boy band, and now look at us.”
“Our hit single could have been, Cougar hunting, Milf bumpin.”
“It still can be.”
“Milfodile Hunter!”
“Shut up Cross!”
“Awe man…”
-A few hours later-
The sun is starting to set. Will Washington is trying to figure out how to cut Rob Diamond down from his foot trap. Steve Awesome is climbing a tree to help Xavier get untangled. After a few minutes of fidgeting, Steve manages to swing Xavier around, who falls two feet to the ground. Washington is in the process of cutting Rob down.
“Wait! Don’t cut Diamond down!”
“What the hell Cross!”
“No, look, if you cut him down, he’s going to land on the rock!”
“….”
“Look, there are three of us. I can climb up the tree, and untie it, easing him down. You two can wait on either side, and catch him!”
“Sounds like a plan Cross.”
“Yeah, occasionally I have good ideas.”
The process goes on for a few minutes.
“Everyone ready?!”
“Aye!”
“Thundercats!”
“What?”
Cross unties the rope in the tree, clutching it quickly. Easing Rob Diamond down to the waiting arms of Steve Awesome and Will Washington. Cross is in the tree having a victory dance.
“Cross, good job!”
“You guys look so gay!”
“I really hate you.”
“You do look gay, however. You passed the test!”
Cross grins a bit, looking up at the night sky.
“What a ****ing week.”
Chapter 6
“Oh screw it. This doesn’t need a title. Apparently none of this actually exists, or really matters. We’re all just here to have a good time. So for once I’m not going to completely stress winning, and just enjoy what I’m doing. Something I should have done from the get-go. Will Washington, best buddy, crime partner. Steve Awesome, old friend, Bro-Mance. Rob Diamond, creepy uncle at best. Still we’re stacked from the floor up.
We’re fighting Team Gib. Two Illegals! Wait, that’s not my gimmick. Team Foreigner, and it feels like the first time. Because I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve fought one half.
But Gib, and I took each other to town last week. I thought I was dead, but if anything, it opened by eyes. To not actually give a **** what anyone thinks. If I want to be with Zelda, I’ll be with Zelda, I don’t care what Gib thinks, or if Simon cries when he masturbates. Does anyone else care? If I’m happy, I’m gonna take it for all it’s worth, disregarding anything else in the process.
So this is the last Collision ever? **** it, let’s go wild and out. Let’s take this to the streets through the city into the woods. Where I’m gonna punch Daye, kick Gib, and awkwardly stare at the other two.”
Will
Rob Diamond
Steve Awesome
God
Zelda Knite
Cari Cross
Chapter One
The Red Pill
“Holy cheese and crackers…”
Xavier sits up, looking around, realizing he’s in a hospital bed. A draft passes across his bare ass, hanging out of the hospital robe. An alarm goes off, as a handful of nurses run in like bees, swarming around Xavier’s bed. He looks a little frighten at first, finally the shock wears off as his head starts to pound.
“Mr. Cross, lay down.”
“You’re not my real dad!”
“Oh god, he’s experiencing regressive behavior…this head injury may be worse than expected…”
“It’s really not that bad…”
“I’m in a hospital what are you talking about…”
“And he’s talking to himself!”
“You idiot, they can’t hear me. Only you can hear me…”
Xavier looks around, his face draining in color before fainting on the bed. The nurses swarm once more to keep him stable.
“What a moron…”
-A few hours later…-
Cross is being wheeled out of the hospital by Will Washington, a concerned look on his face.
“Thanks for bailing me out homie.”
“You were in the hospital holmes, not a prison..”
“You don’t know what it was like on the inside man, terrible food, and a semi comfortable bed. With Cable TV. CABLE!”
“White people problems. Jesus..”
“You know, you shouldn’t complain so much…”
“What are you talking about Will?”
“White people problems?”
“No, about me complaining…”
“He can’t hear me either…”
Cross again looking confused, eyes looking around the parking lot. Shaking his head, it must have just been the side effects.
“Keep telling yourself that!”
“WHO ARE YOU?!”
“Will…Washington? You okay there little buddy.”
The scene warps to Gilligan’s Island, Will is dressed as the skipper, and Cross like Gilligan. This frightens Cross’s immediately, looking around, losing color in his face.
“I am your god.”
“Okay, I’m talking in my head now. So Will doesn’t think I’m insane. What the hell…”
“Let me make it simple. You don’t actually exist, and somehow, that ridiculous match I put together against yourself and Gib, must have broken enough ridiculous barriers for us to directly communicate.”
“What do you mean…I don’t exist?”
“You’re a figment of my imagination, a created story character placed into a fictional universe called New Championship Wrestling, created by a man named Adam.”
“Adam Knite?”
“Sort of. Adam Knite is a handle for the real Adam, who’s last name is being disclosed due to an ongoing drug investigation.”
“Seriously?”
“No you idiot. Anyway, you’ve seen the Matrix. Oh of course you have, you do anything I want you to do..”
“Huh?”
“Imagine that you swallowed the Red Pill…”
“No way. I have a family, I had a wife, I have a girlfriend, friends, enemies…”
“All fiction. All written stories by a group of guys who love wrestling and the company of other men. No homo.”
“…what do you mean…”
“Let’s see, Rob Diamond and Angel are the same person, Steve Awesome is really a stoner, Andrew Jacobsen is a baby faced young man with the voice of a god, and Will Washington is known as Deez in the real world. He’s been my best friend for eh, 17 years now?”
“This is insane…I have to be dreaming.”
“You want to see Cari again?”
“…you can do that…”
“This is my imagination Xavier, I can do whatever I want. I can make you black and two feet tall, but that would defeat the purpose…”
“You can bring Cari back to life?”
“Well…technically she’s not dead. There is an idea floating around my small circle that she had to fake her death because her relationship with you got too messed up, because she was a secret undercover DEA agent, tracking a notorious black market leader, one Mike Honcho, she fell in love with you, and almost forgot her mission. Long story short, they were going to figure out who she was, but it all died with Cari Cross on that operating table. Technically she’s back in Washington, D.C. putting a case together against Mike Honcho…”
“…Cari is…alive?”
“Well technically, with a snap of my fingers she’s alive or dead, it depends on what I want. Plus I’m not a cheap comic book company, I’m not going to magically bring her back to life for cheap entertainment…”
“Will you do it for me? Hear me out. Please. I may be some sort of fictional creature, but this is real. I’ve felt everything, every broken bone, bruise, tear, failure, and success. I’ve also felt love, and loss. I understand you’re some god-like being, so I’m asking you please, if only for a moment. Let me hold my wife one last time.”
“What about Zelda?”
“How do I even know these feelings are even my own! Or just some cheap soap opera..”
“How dare you demand from your god?!"
“Why don’t I just blow my brains out! Right now!”
“Because, I wouldn’t let you. Your decisions are based solely on my will.”
“Then how am I responding to you.”
“Because, I just got off work, and I need to have this posted.”
“Posted?”
“It’s all part of a website. I can’t tell you the address because there is a theory that you all have a life of your own when we’re not paying attention. So, if I give you the address, it’s kind of like dividing by zero. The world would collapse on itself, you know, quantum mechanics.”
Cross slowly slips back into reality, realizing he was sitting in the car, Will driving, cursing at the radio for playing Bruno Mars back-to-back.
“Now, you have to get some rest, and heal up. The last collision is coming up. Depending on how I feel, I may just allow you to spend time with Cari.”
“Wait! If this is all your world. Then why am I able to talk to you, why can’t you just repair it and this never happened?”
“Because….last collision ever Brent, can’t hold anything back.”
“Did you just quote the waterboy…”
Chapter 2
The Real Legend of Zelda
“Oh god Xavier…Xavier…oh god…Tha-That’s amazing!”
Soft moaning is heard, as we pan out to see Xavier giving Zelda Knite a back massage. Cross looks up at the camera, giving it a wink.
“So yeah…Simon, totally touching…”
Cross dry humps the air.
Chapter 3
BROOOOOOOO-MAAAANCEEEE
The scene opens to a front yard, where Steve Awesome and Xavier Cross are playing catch, Steve catches the ball, hesitating a brief moment Xavier’s face washing over with a realization, but before he can shout out, the baseball connects with his forehead.
“Son of a bitch!”
Steve begins laughing, as he rushes over to Xavier’s side. Cross lays there, his eyes doing that cartoon knocked out swirling ideas
“Really, back again?”
“I need to stop taking things to the dome.”
“I got a surprise...”
“…wha…”
“Hello Xavier”
“Cari!?”
Steve is standing over Xavier, slapping his face trying to wake up.
“Hey, someone else is getting slapped! Hooray!”
“….god…damn it…I hate everyone…”
“C’mon buddy you wanna get ice cream?!”
“ICE CREAM!”
The two men are back on their feet, looking around, as if they had capes. Sweet capes.
“TO THE BRO-MANCE MOBILE!”
Steve pulls out a weird remote control looking device.
“Try not the Dale…oh that’s just tasteless.”
A 2014 Ferrari Custom, painted purple with black and yellow racing stripes whips around the corner, driverless. Steve and Cross fist bump before running into the car. Cross leaps through the window and Steve slides across hood, before getting in the driver seat as the two men speed off into the streets for ice cream.
“Wait…wait!”
“Hmm?”
“You came over, and we just started throwing a ball around. Now you’re taking me out for ice cream. HOLY CRAP YOU’RE BANGING MY MOM!”
Cross fidgets around, trying to open the door and escape. Steve starts laughing hysterically.
“You’re an idiot…”
“I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ANDREA JACOBSEN!”
Almost like a PTSD war flashback, Cross is starring out of the window, remembering of his shenanigans with Steve, some of which involved accidentally walking on him porking Andrew Jacobsen’s mother.
“C’mon buddy. Let’s get ice cream…”
“ICE CREAM!”
Chapter 4
Team Building Exercise!
Will Washington, and Xavier Cross are making their way down a broken, dirt path down to a small camp. Wearing Team Brodeo Drive t-shirts.
“I still think we should have went with, ‘A Good Day to Die, Lethal Weapon 6, Secret of the Ooze, 2, Electric Boogaloo”
“A.) No, and B.) Shut Up.”
“Well, fine!”
The camera pans down, to show Rob Diamond, looking far too cool for school, Steve Awesome is making his way out of a port-a-jon. The four men look at each other, crossing looks from one another. We see Steve and Rob are wearing ‘In-Famous t-shirts’
“Brodeo Drive?”
“In Famous? What, are you banging Celine Dion?”
“Really, you hear the word famous and you go for Dion.”
“What, my heart will go on!”
“Someone is going to murder you before this day is over.”
“Your wife murdered me!”
“…coming from the widower…”
“….”
A loud whistle breaks the back and forth before someone said something really awkward. The four men look at each other, and then look up to the front, we see a woman standing at least 4’6” even. Her hair dark, short, and her mustache darker and angier. Yes, you read that correctly. She is basically Joe Everyman’s perfect woman.
“Who..who the hell are you..”
“Rob shut up!”
“You shut up Cross!”
The whistle blows again.
“Sweet mercy god my ears!”
“Shut up!”
“You shut up!”
The whistle blows a third time, followed by a hose that sprays the four men.
“Alright ladies. You four need team training. My name is Veronica Anderson-Swatzi and I’m here to whip dat ass into shape.”
“So…Steve, you should totally bang her while we go find the mess hall.”
“….What?! Hell no!”
“TO THE OBSTACLE COURSE!”
-30 minutes later-
We see the four men, beaten and bruised, laying in various piles.
Xavier Cross is stuck in a series of tree ropes.
Will Washington laying face down in a mud pile, completely covered, little bubbles slowly cultivating.
Rob Diamond has his foot stuck in a fence.
Steve Awesome is show face first stuck in a tree.
“Alright ladies. You’ve passed most of my tests on your own, but you’ve found yourself in sticky predicaments! Now if you worked as a team, you wouldn’t find yourself stuck right now. So now, you all get to stay up there, until you learn team work!”
The whistle blows, and the him-she walks away. The four men groan.
“Okay let’s figure this out!”
“SHUT UP CROSS!”
“That is completely the opposite of what we need to do!”
“You know, all I wanted to do was start a boy band, and now look at us.”
“Our hit single could have been, Cougar hunting, Milf bumpin.”
“It still can be.”
“Milfodile Hunter!”
“Shut up Cross!”
“Awe man…”
-A few hours later-
The sun is starting to set. Will Washington is trying to figure out how to cut Rob Diamond down from his foot trap. Steve Awesome is climbing a tree to help Xavier get untangled. After a few minutes of fidgeting, Steve manages to swing Xavier around, who falls two feet to the ground. Washington is in the process of cutting Rob down.
“Wait! Don’t cut Diamond down!”
“What the hell Cross!”
“No, look, if you cut him down, he’s going to land on the rock!”
“….”
“Look, there are three of us. I can climb up the tree, and untie it, easing him down. You two can wait on either side, and catch him!”
“Sounds like a plan Cross.”
“Yeah, occasionally I have good ideas.”
The process goes on for a few minutes.
“Everyone ready?!”
“Aye!”
“Thundercats!”
“What?”
Cross unties the rope in the tree, clutching it quickly. Easing Rob Diamond down to the waiting arms of Steve Awesome and Will Washington. Cross is in the tree having a victory dance.
“Cross, good job!”
“You guys look so gay!”
“I really hate you.”
“You do look gay, however. You passed the test!”
Cross grins a bit, looking up at the night sky.
“What a ****ing week.”
Chapter 6
“Oh screw it. This doesn’t need a title. Apparently none of this actually exists, or really matters. We’re all just here to have a good time. So for once I’m not going to completely stress winning, and just enjoy what I’m doing. Something I should have done from the get-go. Will Washington, best buddy, crime partner. Steve Awesome, old friend, Bro-Mance. Rob Diamond, creepy uncle at best. Still we’re stacked from the floor up.
We’re fighting Team Gib. Two Illegals! Wait, that’s not my gimmick. Team Foreigner, and it feels like the first time. Because I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve fought one half.
But Gib, and I took each other to town last week. I thought I was dead, but if anything, it opened by eyes. To not actually give a **** what anyone thinks. If I want to be with Zelda, I’ll be with Zelda, I don’t care what Gib thinks, or if Simon cries when he masturbates. Does anyone else care? If I’m happy, I’m gonna take it for all it’s worth, disregarding anything else in the process.
So this is the last Collision ever? **** it, let’s go wild and out. Let’s take this to the streets through the city into the woods. Where I’m gonna punch Daye, kick Gib, and awkwardly stare at the other two.”