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Post by Shaddix on Feb 25, 2009 18:35:19 GMT -6
Post your feedback and opinions here.
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Post by Maniac on Mar 1, 2009 14:05:59 GMT -6
I am crazy interested to see where this is going.
On a side note, as my advice to you, overall your rps are good, not too long, not too short, you never lose sight of the story, the only thing that bothers me is you don't mention your match at all.
Theres something Falcon does that may help you out. He likes to put a little narrative in between his scenes when the story has little to do with the match.
Example:
"So I'm facing Bill Bixby today. I hate that guy. He's a nazi."
(The scene opens inside a bar. )
ME: Man I love beer.
You: Your an alcoholic.
( They drink )
"Bill Bixby has no idea what's coming his way Sunday."
That is my only advice to you sir, keep up the good work.
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Post by adm on Mar 1, 2009 14:08:21 GMT -6
I agree, there's not a lot of talk about the match, and in the end, that's why you're here, the matches. Even if your opponents no-show...you still gotta mention them.
Also, look at what other people in the fed are doing, if you're newer, you may need to draw inspiration to see where the great guys are and strive to be them. I remember starting out as a 7 year vet to fedding here in nCw and still being bowled over by Angel and Spike Kane...and now I'm facing the guys with this character.
Keep striving and working, I wanna see where this new dark char goes.
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Post by adm on Mar 17, 2009 20:35:44 GMT -6
Your rps haven't change too terribly much since you started. I suggest you read the essays I wrote and also look at what other people have been doing. There's a lot of things that could be said, but I don't really know WHERE to start unless you look around and see where your rps differ from the rest. I'm not saying you should be like theirs, but there are things they do that could improve your roleplays like character/story arcs, some trash-talk about match, and accurate or more-detailed descriptions.
If you keep working, you'll climb your way up the ladder faster than if you don't take much initiative to improve. And don't forget that it's an experimental process at first, till you find what fits/works for your character.
That's all I can say for now, my AIM is in the messengers thing on the general boards if you wanted to chat about this there.
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Post by Maniac on Mar 17, 2009 20:42:21 GMT -6
Lorddominicus85 is my AIM screen name. So like Bates, if you wanna chat for some pointers, hit me up.
The over all story arch of the character is good, you just need some more descriptions, or more detailed descriptions. Something that just occurred to me that could help, how about an inner monologue for Shaddix, that way he can internalize his feelings and perhaps touch on his matches more. Example.
"How am I supposed to concentrate on Kevin Kruger when my father is out there somewhere? I know I have this match, perhaps my biggest match to date, but at this moment, it's just an obstacle to over come on my path to wards the truth."
Bam.
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Post by adm on Apr 2, 2009 21:29:55 GMT -6
Knowing your current situation I really can't even say what I want to say about the length of the rp due to the being a teen grounded from his computer. So...till then you'll just have to make due with what you can do on your PS3 until that gets taken away or whatever. Just...keep trying to improve what you can during this time then flesh it out into the larger rps later.
And yeah, if people don't understand what it's like to be a kid grounded from computer privileges for getting bad grades...well...they musta either had parents that didn't do that or were too old for computers OR just didn't get bad grades...me...I ****ed up a few times in HS so...I know.
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Post by Maniac on Apr 4, 2009 13:50:08 GMT -6
This weeks rp was a step in the right direction. I saw some definite improvement man, so keep it up.
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Post by adm on Apr 29, 2009 18:34:10 GMT -6
it was good but as I've said in my essays, you need some more descriptions. That seems to be the only thing right now that's missing other than character development, which since you just got back...well, is a b-side to the descriptions.
Hopefully you can keep improving, this is a lot better than stuff when you started.
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Post by adm on May 13, 2009 21:40:44 GMT -6
Getting better...now what you need to do is read my essays and integrate some Character Development storylines and a bit more descriptions. Joe will have to try to win, you're not Hexx
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Post by Joe Everyman on May 13, 2009 22:00:04 GMT -6
To be completely honest with you Shaddix, and because this is a feedback thread and that what it's for, I see alot of things you can work on. You need a little for CD like Bates said, and you can make it a bit longer too. I'm not saying it was too short, but more talking can always help, as long as it's not too much. I'm not trying to like insult your RPing style or anything, I'm just giving you advice so you can succeed further in your career.
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Post by adm on May 13, 2009 23:16:43 GMT -6
Advice is good...now get to reading my essays They helped Joe a lot...so...hopefully they can help you too
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Post by adm on May 16, 2009 23:06:03 GMT -6
New Rp, same feedback...I'm a broken record but better descriptions, more CD...read the essays in the general board.
Also read rps from like Adam Knite, AJ Phoenix, or Harold...look for inspiration wherever you can to better your rps...you're improving but...you need to add some CD or else you will just stagnate without an angle.
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Post by Maniac on May 17, 2009 0:16:19 GMT -6
Hey man, hit me up on aim if you have it Lorddominicus85 I'd like to sit with you and discuss maybe an angle or a feud or something, and give you a few pointers. You remind me alot of me when I first started and I think I could help you out.
As for feedback. Your getting better, but like Bates and Joe said, a little CD maybe, a little more description. More talk isn't really needed, cause more talk can get boring, but maybe more refined. Your doing good, now lets make it so your doing great. Hit me up.
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Post by Joe Everyman on May 17, 2009 2:01:22 GMT -6
Hey man, hit me up on aim if you have it Lorddominicus85 I'd like to sit with you and discuss maybe an angle or a feud or something, and give you a few pointers. You remind me alot of me when I first started and I think I could help you out. As for feedback. Your getting better, but like Bates and Joe said, a little CD maybe, a little more description. More talk isn't really needed, cause more talk can get boring, but maybe more refined. Your doing good, now lets make it so your doing great. Hit me up. What Angel said is completely true. We're all here to help out. I'll give you any and all pointers you could do. And as what Angel said, you are improving, which is great. Keep up the good work.
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Post by adm on Jun 16, 2009 18:59:40 GMT -6
Bad news first: You haven't improved that much since you left...it's still a very typical and generalized style of rp. There also seems to be too much flashback for the rest of it, if it's a huge match, which it is...why would you spend 3/4 of it in flashback?
Ok News: Uh...despite the bloodiness of the CD portion in the flashback and the fact that it may or may not be putting Shaddix in the "law breaker" end of things where...it begins to be in the shade of gray towards "breaking a rule about realism", it was pretty sweet, and I wanna see where this goes.
Good news: I guess the CD part is the good news, but considering that you have the talk about Shaddix being possibly in trouble with cops, plus an on-screen death...it could be good, could be bad, you'd have to ask a staffer whether it's in the gray area or getting close to crossing the line between the realism we try to keep with this place.
But if you keep working on it, and don't leave again, you coud use this new CD line to improve your rps. Again, there are essays up that I did, not for my health, but to hopefully help people like you. Take a look at em, take a look at the ME talent's rps, like AJ, Falcon, Harold, Adam Knite, etc and see if you can draw anything from what they do compared to your stuff.
Keep working, you'll get there.
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Post by Maniac on Jun 27, 2009 22:47:57 GMT -6
I know the "RP NAZI" Bates is going to give you the "lecture" again about scenes and character development and all that jazz again, but let me give you a little feedback. Sometimes, just sometimes, a good old fashion trash talking promo is exactly what the doctor ordered. I don't know if you read all the rps or not, but let me say this, I don't really feel it makes a whole hell of alot of difference if your rp is over flowing with CD or if it's just a straight forward **** flinging contest. A good rp is a good rp, and you my friend are well on your way. I think as time goes by, as you face newer and better competitors you will learn, as many of us have, what works for you, and what gets you to where you want to go. Your on your way, and I like it.
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Post by adm on Jul 3, 2009 22:47:31 GMT -6
It was a pretty standard promo-only rp. It needs a few descriptions that are longer, by a little bit. They are pretty short for how much talking he does. The other thing I noticed you could improve on is that you pretty much repeated what you said to Hammond...to Xavier. You should try and not repeat yourself too much in a roleplay, it makes it look like you really don't have a whole lot to say but keep talking just because the camera is on.
Improve those things and you'll do a bit better, and yes I miss the CD, but if I say anything about that or your grammar (your is not you're!), Ed will kill me.
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Post by adm on Jul 7, 2009 10:06:57 GMT -6
I think you may have broken a rule by uh...having a head-lost corpse in your rp and I have a feeling it's going to cost you...just like I feel Daredevil's "gunned-down junkie" will cost him.
I'll leave the rest of my "review/feedback" till I'm in a less biased position...but I felt I needed to point it out to you before the staff edits your rp...
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