Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Jul 6, 2009 10:02:00 GMT -6
Leave feedback here for The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
My 1st RP is up and would like feedback please as it's the 1st I have written in a while.
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Post by disdonn on Jul 6, 2009 21:42:58 GMT -6
It's hard to really give feedback on a "first rp"...seriously it is. Though I will tell you the style is really interesting, but there's one big thing I gotta warn you about...
First paragraph(s)...dealers, druggies, junkies, and someone getting hit with a drive-by shooting. I know it's not even anything your character does...but...Death and crimes aren't necessarily supposed to be put in rps. It's one of the rules on the main page. So...for the future, keep that on the down low and read the rules before you rp.
Other than that...just shorten up some of the descriptions, they are really vivid but sometimes get a bit heady, what you say is pretty good though, keep working on it.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Jul 7, 2009 4:48:09 GMT -6
Yeah thanks man and don't worry it's a one of with junkies, druggies, dealers and someone getting shot as been out awhile and forgot you couldn't do that but it's done now any way thanks for the feedback.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Jul 18, 2009 10:44:46 GMT -6
My RP is up called "Hate On American's" no disrespect to you people from America here in NCW or anywhere else this was done purely in character and sorry to whom it may offend. Any way feedback will be appreciated good or bad...preferablly good. lol It's short I know but it get's everything across I want to and hope it makes sense to everyone like it made sense to me.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Jul 23, 2009 8:06:44 GMT -6
My 1st RP is up for Collision so feedback please guys as I want to know what was liked, what wasn't and what can be improved, thanks in advance for any feedback given.
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JFK
Senior Member
Sucks to be you.
Posts: 950
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Post by JFK on Jul 25, 2009 11:48:22 GMT -6
Liked the last one, it was short but im not one to harp on length (its all about the girth anyways) my only compliant is this "fiery indignation burning inside" , you wear a mask, so facial expressions and things of this nature, would not come across the camera, use things to describe his tone of voice more so his actual facial expressions.
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Post by adm on Jul 25, 2009 11:57:47 GMT -6
Yeah...and another thing I could say is maybe play up the fact that he's got on a mask by using more descriptions in that big block of talking to say what his body movements are...accentuate his speaking with body language since his face is covered. Have him stand up, move around...wave his hands around and gesture more to accentuate his speaking.
I come from a writing/public speaking background...so I know how to make people get what I'm saying through moving my arms around.
Keep working on it, you'll get there.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Jul 25, 2009 12:33:16 GMT -6
Thanks and I will take this all on board for next week and improve as for RP length I have never been one to write a long RP unless I'm in the zone and can't stop writting lol
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Post by Maniac on Jul 25, 2009 22:51:01 GMT -6
Hey man, I haven't given you allot of feedback yet, so I'm gonna try,
First, scene descriptions to me, aren't really all that important unless you have something your trying to describe. The ones you use have been pretty good, and they generally get the point across.
Second, your length has been fine for me, you don't run on and thats a good thing. You say what needs to be said and thats that, and if it works for you, do it.
Third, so far I'm liking what your doing. My only real recommendation is perhaps giving some insight as to why he wears a mask.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Jul 28, 2009 5:24:28 GMT -6
Thank for the feedback man I have taken that it to consideration and my next RP will have abit of that just for you. lol
Any way mu 1st RP is up for Collision it's something new for me so would appreciate feedback, so what could be improved, liked, hated and so on.
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The Ace
Full Member
2008 nCw Road To The Gold Champion
Posts: 675
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Post by The Ace on Jul 28, 2009 11:12:00 GMT -6
I liked it alot and I think if you keep on this road, you're going to go far, plus when you face me it'll be a comic clash again lol...
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Post by Cameron Corvis on Jul 28, 2009 11:12:15 GMT -6
Thank for the feedback man I have taken that it to consideration and my next RP will have abit of that just for you. lol Any way mu 1st RP is up for Collision it's something new for me so would appreciate feedback, so what could be improved, liked, hated and so on. I really like this character. Although I think you can do some things to improve the way you approach his dialogue. At times I think you nail the character (at least the way I envision your character being) and then at other times he seems a little bit off. Let me explain using pieces from your roleplay. “I experience a similar kind of stimulation by getting closer to ideas and concepts. I like to think… a lot. Getting away from the physical world and getting closer to inner thoughts and feelings giving strength. That kind of mental stimulation gives me my inner power and strength. It's like tapping directly into the power of the sun which in my case the sun is the causing of misery and pain. On the other hand Superman was famous for having built a Fortress of Solitude in the Arctic, a place that only he could find and enter. Guests were generally not permitted in the Fortress. It was his place to unwind, relax, and get away from it all, kind of like my little warehouse place I’m in now it’s remote and out of the way from anyone so no screams of pain or misery can be heard. I generally don’t have guests either but unlike Superman I make sure my only guests are ones to suffer pain at the hands of me.”I think that captures the character pretty well. I love that entire paragraph. He is obviously a villain. That much is apparent. But you also get this sense of intelligence from the way he talks. Very mysterious, yet evil at the same time. I liked that. “So Gib I admit you were the better man and you won but man I may hate America and damn Americans but that doesn’t mean I’m not American because for all anyone knows I could be Bin Laden in a suit plotting up some way to blow you’re a**e’s up. The one thing I love about Americans is the hate they have for me n or out of the ring because it is one of the things that fuels me to risk my life and basically just kick the a**e of everyone of you fags in NCW. I have heard people say “God Bless America” but you know what I say “God Please Crap On America” so that’s what I thought I would do, that’s why I love to run down Americans and there country as I find it so damn fun.”"“As for my opponent’s they are unlucky they are facing me as I’m out for revenge on someone for losing next week and it just happens that they are going to be the unlucky ones on the receiving of one hell of an a*se whipping. I’m came close last week but if Superman came close to saving someone and failed he would be a murder but it’s lucky I’m better then Superman because coming close may not be good enough to some people but when you come close to beating a fag such as Gib then I suppose it is.”Now with those paragraphs, I get a completely different idea of who this character is. Now he sounds very unintelligent and almost redneckish. Maybe that's just me, but from the first paragraph to the other paragraphs, it sounds like two completely different characters. There was a few spelling errors and grammar mistakes. But that is to be expected as there is that in every roleplay. I'm as guilty as anyone. All in all though. I didn't get a good feel as to where this character is heading. I didn't really understand the Superman comparison. Sometimes it made sense and other times I was like... um, what? I'm not quite sure what direction you plan on taking this character, but I'm definitely interested in it. Keep up the good work.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Jul 28, 2009 13:50:11 GMT -6
Cheers for the feedback guys and Daredevil is suppose to be a guy with a mysterious identity who sometimes sounds intelligent or unintelligent, as for the direction of my character not decided yet but I know I want to do well and not reveal to much of his identity.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Jul 31, 2009 13:21:00 GMT -6
My 2nd RP is up for Collision hope people like it as I must admit it's the one I liked writting most and thanks for the advice you gave me Pav it really helped.
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Post by Cyrus Daniels on Jul 31, 2009 13:36:46 GMT -6
No problem mate anytime, I'm glad I could help you come up with some CD and hopefully Stacey gives you a fresh dimension to the character that you can play off whilst keeping the mystery around your character, as I said to you maybe she can help you do some stuff that the character couldn't do with a mask on ordinarily...as I said, it could be a lot like Spidey/Mary Jane...
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Aug 3, 2009 14:12:18 GMT -6
Thanks for feedback Pav, My 1st RP for the PPV is up called "Religion Is Bulls**t!!!" so feedback please guys as it will really help me improve, which I need to do.
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Post by adm on Aug 3, 2009 14:20:18 GMT -6
I think the way you used the song really helped the rp, I really don't know at this point in time if it's something you should do again for the PPV vs Karras as like a theme through your rps or not...but splitting up the song and using it as filler to help underlay the main message of the rp was good.
I like where you are going, the only thing I can really say to improve on is finding ways to edit the rp and make it look "nicer" in the end, maybe a few superflous details in a description spot can be knocked out or a repetitive sentence can be trimmed or removed here and there...that's pretty much it, feed off your opponent, find ways to advance the character as well as your rps and you'll do well.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Aug 6, 2009 10:01:56 GMT -6
My 2nd RP is up for Fallout so please Rate/Hate/Masterbate!!!
Yeah it's short but I'm personally happy with it so....MEH lol
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Post by adm on Aug 6, 2009 12:05:58 GMT -6
There were a few word order confusions early on that threw me off but after that it was some pretty solid point/counterpoint stuff to what Karras was saying. Pointing the hypocrisies in every religion usually is a good LOGICAL way to work...but religious people rarely submit to logic or reason when they become more extreme.
Good work but double-check your rp before you post so you make sure there's no word-order errors that could confuse the reader.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Aug 6, 2009 12:10:41 GMT -6
Ok man my bad, I was in a rush to put it up and should of waited until now lol
Any way thanks for the feedback man.
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Daredevil
Rookie
The Death Defying Daredevil!!!
Posts: 71
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Post by Daredevil on Aug 8, 2009 6:34:25 GMT -6
3rd and final RP is up for the PPV, would appreciate feedback please guys and thanks in advance to who ever does.
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