Post by Keybo Shabaz on Jul 15, 2009 17:55:28 GMT -6
(No flashy opening, no cute graphics, just Keybo Shabaz, sitting behind a standard desk you can buy at Ikea, in a room that could be anywhere, there isn't even a couch to sit on.)
Keybo: Week two of this rancid garbage under the 'brilliant' leadership of Dirty Deal. No graphics, no flashy banners or cool computer images. I don't get any of that because I'm unemployed. But, that doesn't mean I'm broke, as I can still pay for airtime, So.. here's the Rundown.
The first week of the Dirty Deal era opened with a press conference which heralded nothing but those two morons telling us what we already know. They think they deserve everything, they hate black people, and they have a single digit IQ between them.
Daredevil vs Hexx
Keybo: Yep, Hexx was in a match, and loses it. No surprise here.
Daredevil 1-0
Dark Prophet vs Shaddix
Keybo: Similar matchup, except Shaddix fought back. But Prophet isn't a pushover, and he takes one home.
Dark Prophet 2-0
Davey Ortega vs Spike Kane
Xtreme Rules
Keybo: After about killing one another, the match finally ended with Spike Kane standing victorious. But Davey is no stranger to xtreme, and he'll bounce back with ease.
Spike Kane 3-0
Keybo: And Trauma finishes strong as usual, and Collision came back with a full force punch to the face.
Joe Everyman/Jack Hammond/Chris Brock vs Rob Diamond/ Xavier Williams/Cameron Corvis
Keybo: Well, I was half right. It did come down to Brock and Corvis, but by then X was the legal man and distracted outside the ring, resulting in a countout. But all in all, this was just a brawl, plain and simple.
Cameron Corvis 3-1
Falcon vs Fergus Callaghan
Keybo: Fergus gave it his all, but came up short. Hopefully he uses this as a learning experience.
Falcon 4-1
"LOVER'S QUARREL" MATCH
Adam Knite vs Gib
*By order of Dirty Deal
Keybo: Just as I thought. Bull**** match, good thing Adam and Gib know how to deal with bull****. And together they destroyed Hexx and Mimic, even while getting fined in the process. So, I'm crediting myself as being right anyway.
Adam Knite 5-1
DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: "PINFALL OR FIRED!"
Steve Awesome vs Jackhammer vs Sexy Jason vs The Ace vs Mark vs Marc
*15 minute time limit, whoever doesn't score a pinfall in 15 minutes is fired, whoever scores the most, wins.
Keybo: And the Awesome one wins another match. The Ace comes in second and we say goodbye to the Superfans. Sorry guys, but you brought this on yourselves when you lost us our jobs.
Steve Awesome 6-1
DIRTY DEEDS NON TITLE TAG TEAM MATCH
Dirty Deal vs Burning Angels
*Dirty Deal make up the rules as they go.
Keybo: Well, they pulled it out. They slugged through all the sewage and stuffed Dirty Deals foot into their mouths. I gladly take this hit to my record. Thanks guys.
Dirty Deal 6-2
Week: 6-2
2009: 110-66
Keybo: If you're not with me by now, you're definately asking to remain significantly less wealthy. And now, I give my rational fans they're weekly fix.
Daredevil vs U.S.A.
Keybo: Daredevil gets a bigger challenge this week than Hexx, but nobodys heard from this U.S.A guy at all yet, so.. we'll see how this goes. Coin flip.. and tails.
U.S.A.
XTREME RULES
Fergus Callaghan vs Kristoff Liam Bates[/color]
Keybo: Both men are back in their element, the land of xtreme. But Bates has quite a bit more experience with such a thing, and that may be the key.
Kristoff Liam Bates
Jack Hammond vs Kole Kaos vs Jimmy Zane[/color]
Keybo: Three respected veterans fight this one out for no better reason than to get back into the swing of things. Kole and Jimmy have returned after long sabaticals and look to break back into the way they were.
Kole Kaos
MAIN EVENT: DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: HANDI CUFFED HELL!
Angel vs Lords of Destruction (In ther final appearance as a tag team)
*Angel will be hand cuffed to the ropes
Keybo: I really hope he finds you when this match is over and kills you. Handcuff a dude to the ropes and let him get beaten down without fighting back. Yeah, real manly.. I'm almost amazed you didn't try to do the same to me.
Lords of Destruction
Keybo: And now, Collision.
DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: WHATS IN THE CASE LADDER MATCH?
Shaddix vs Steve Awesome vs Cameron Corvis
*A mystery brief case hangs above the ring, containing a surprise for the winner
Keybo:[/color] I swear to God if it's a pink slip or something equally retarded, Leo is going to have your heads. Just remember guys, you have to get the case to win, but you Never have to actually open it.
Steve Awesome
DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: HANDI CUFFED HELL 2!
Philip Burns vs Rob Diamond and Xavier Williams
*Diamond and Williams get one rp each
Keybo:[/color] Just hope they're more interested in beating each other than you Phil. If not, I don't know what to tell you.
Diamond and Williams
Joe Everyman vs Chris Brock
Keybo:[/color] After half a card worth of worthless Dirty Deal ideas, we finally have a real wrestling match. But will Everyman be too focused on the Hamster to remember who is in front of him?
Chris Brock
Spike Kane/Falcon vs Gib/Mac Bane
Keybo:[/color] Both of nCw's new stables make their first group appearance in the ring. Spike and Falcon have a bond forged in each others blood, Gib and Mac have a bond forged over time. This is a tough one. Coin flip... and heads..
Spike/Falcon
XTREME RULES
The Ace vs Dark Prophet
Keybo:[/color] The Ace made the challenge and it was accepted. I know the Ace isn't exactly afraid of anyone or anything, but sometimes you have to question why you would provoke the sleeping lion until it woke up.
Dark Prophet
MAIN EVENT: DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: NCW WORLD HEAVY WEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Dirty Deal vs Adam Knite*
Keybo:[/color] This is garbage. Pure and simple garbage. Where the hell is Bourne when you need him? Talent relations does not in any way give them the power to strip titles if someone refuses to compete. Remember that guys.
Adam Knite on principle.
Keybo: Alright, I'm going to cut this and when we cut back I will be at Philip Burns' residence, ready to interview and ask him all of your loving questions.
(Cut scene.)
(Cut back in to Keybo setting up the camera at the residence of Philip Burns. Burns sits on the couch all stealth and suave in a suit. Keybo takes the seat next to him. Angel is standing in the background, playing nCw Trauma: The video game.)
Keybo: We're back at the home of Philip Burns. Where I'm sitting with the longest reigning Tag champions in the history of well.. probably most places. How you guys doin?
Burns: Peachy.
Angel: Thanks for asking.
Keybo: Normally I'd chat but my time is almost up so we gotta hurry to the questions, k Phil?
Burns: Sure thing buddy.
Keybo: Cecilia Deville from uptown Georgia asks.. Hey, Phil...uh...you got me pregnant about a year ago, I just want to let you know that your son is wanting to see his daddy. Also, when do you and Angel ever think you'll ever lose the tag titles? I know there's like...nobody left to beat...
Burns: I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Also we will never lose the tag titles. In fact we are considering just having them tattooed onto our waists so we dont have to carry them around everywhere. Its a burden to be this good.
Keybo: I'd make a comment about arrogance, but you're probably right. Dax Clark from.. wait.. Dax Clark?
Angel: He's still alive?
Burns: It's a miracle!
Keybo: Not quite. Anyway he asks.. Hey Phil, remember me? Thats not my question, god I hope I didn't just waste my quarter... Uhh real quick, do you think you can get me a jo... and this says the line was cut off. Thank god.
Burns: Too bad security caught the call when they did, I wanted to tell him The only job I would ever get for him is a job polishing Angel's pole. Currently that job is filled by Kelly Fox so it will have to wait.
Keybo: Wonder what Shelly would say about that... Ron Gibson.. oh yay, a tard question.. he asks.. Is there a place to donate money to your poor broken down ass? If so, please let me know and I will try to care.
Burns: Wow, is that little Ronny Gibson? He is so cute with his empty insults and his piss poor career. Looks like somebody couldnt cut it in the ring and earned themselves an office job.
Keybo: Don't remind me. *** damn Superfans. And I think he meant me.
Burns: I thought you have money.
Keybo: I do. But tardo thinks if you don't have a job, you don't have money. That's what you get for being uneducated. Anyway, Billy Hue from Virginia asks.. Hi, my question is to Phillip Burns. You know Phil, ever since I saw you pull that crap about your leg and then Bate's wife....I've been asking myself one thing. Why do you think you deserve to be in the hall of fame? They don't reward people for only doing the bare minimum you know.
Burns: I deserve to be in the Hall of Fame because I make up one half of the greatest and longest running tag team champions of all time. That is a statement of fact. Look at the others tag team in there. We have not only surpassed them but driven out all the competition nCw had to offer in the tag team division. I didnt realize it was the bare minimum to be the best ever, jackass.
Keybo: Some people just don't get it. Well, thanks for the interview Phil.
Burns: No problem Keybo. You gonna stick around? We're gonna fire up the grill.
Keybo: Hells yeah. Well, thats all the time I have for this week. Always remember..
Steel chairs are fun..
Barbed wire is a good time...
And always tip your waitress...
I'm out.
(Fade.)
"Hey, join me again next week when my guest in the studio will be the King of Diamonds, Rob Diamond! Questions? Comments? Want to invite him to comic-on? Send them in to:
TheShabaz@ncwentertainment.com
Or Call the studio lines at 1-866-555-3737
And I'll see you here next week!"
(You know the deal.)
Keybo: Week two of this rancid garbage under the 'brilliant' leadership of Dirty Deal. No graphics, no flashy banners or cool computer images. I don't get any of that because I'm unemployed. But, that doesn't mean I'm broke, as I can still pay for airtime, So.. here's the Rundown.
The first week of the Dirty Deal era opened with a press conference which heralded nothing but those two morons telling us what we already know. They think they deserve everything, they hate black people, and they have a single digit IQ between them.
Daredevil vs Hexx
Keybo: Yep, Hexx was in a match, and loses it. No surprise here.
Daredevil 1-0
Dark Prophet vs Shaddix
Keybo: Similar matchup, except Shaddix fought back. But Prophet isn't a pushover, and he takes one home.
Dark Prophet 2-0
Davey Ortega vs Spike Kane
Xtreme Rules
Keybo: After about killing one another, the match finally ended with Spike Kane standing victorious. But Davey is no stranger to xtreme, and he'll bounce back with ease.
Spike Kane 3-0
Keybo: And Trauma finishes strong as usual, and Collision came back with a full force punch to the face.
Joe Everyman/Jack Hammond/Chris Brock vs Rob Diamond/ Xavier Williams/Cameron Corvis
Keybo: Well, I was half right. It did come down to Brock and Corvis, but by then X was the legal man and distracted outside the ring, resulting in a countout. But all in all, this was just a brawl, plain and simple.
Cameron Corvis 3-1
Falcon vs Fergus Callaghan
Keybo: Fergus gave it his all, but came up short. Hopefully he uses this as a learning experience.
Falcon 4-1
"LOVER'S QUARREL" MATCH
Adam Knite vs Gib
*By order of Dirty Deal
Keybo: Just as I thought. Bull**** match, good thing Adam and Gib know how to deal with bull****. And together they destroyed Hexx and Mimic, even while getting fined in the process. So, I'm crediting myself as being right anyway.
Adam Knite 5-1
DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: "PINFALL OR FIRED!"
Steve Awesome vs Jackhammer vs Sexy Jason vs The Ace vs Mark vs Marc
*15 minute time limit, whoever doesn't score a pinfall in 15 minutes is fired, whoever scores the most, wins.
Keybo: And the Awesome one wins another match. The Ace comes in second and we say goodbye to the Superfans. Sorry guys, but you brought this on yourselves when you lost us our jobs.
Steve Awesome 6-1
DIRTY DEEDS NON TITLE TAG TEAM MATCH
Dirty Deal vs Burning Angels
*Dirty Deal make up the rules as they go.
Keybo: Well, they pulled it out. They slugged through all the sewage and stuffed Dirty Deals foot into their mouths. I gladly take this hit to my record. Thanks guys.
Dirty Deal 6-2
Week: 6-2
2009: 110-66
Keybo: If you're not with me by now, you're definately asking to remain significantly less wealthy. And now, I give my rational fans they're weekly fix.
Daredevil vs U.S.A.
Keybo: Daredevil gets a bigger challenge this week than Hexx, but nobodys heard from this U.S.A guy at all yet, so.. we'll see how this goes. Coin flip.. and tails.
U.S.A.
XTREME RULES
Fergus Callaghan vs Kristoff Liam Bates[/color]
Keybo: Both men are back in their element, the land of xtreme. But Bates has quite a bit more experience with such a thing, and that may be the key.
Kristoff Liam Bates
Jack Hammond vs Kole Kaos vs Jimmy Zane[/color]
Keybo: Three respected veterans fight this one out for no better reason than to get back into the swing of things. Kole and Jimmy have returned after long sabaticals and look to break back into the way they were.
Kole Kaos
MAIN EVENT: DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: HANDI CUFFED HELL!
Angel vs Lords of Destruction (In ther final appearance as a tag team)
*Angel will be hand cuffed to the ropes
Keybo: I really hope he finds you when this match is over and kills you. Handcuff a dude to the ropes and let him get beaten down without fighting back. Yeah, real manly.. I'm almost amazed you didn't try to do the same to me.
Lords of Destruction
Keybo: And now, Collision.
DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: WHATS IN THE CASE LADDER MATCH?
Shaddix vs Steve Awesome vs Cameron Corvis
*A mystery brief case hangs above the ring, containing a surprise for the winner
Keybo:[/color] I swear to God if it's a pink slip or something equally retarded, Leo is going to have your heads. Just remember guys, you have to get the case to win, but you Never have to actually open it.
Steve Awesome
DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: HANDI CUFFED HELL 2!
Philip Burns vs Rob Diamond and Xavier Williams
*Diamond and Williams get one rp each
Keybo:[/color] Just hope they're more interested in beating each other than you Phil. If not, I don't know what to tell you.
Diamond and Williams
Joe Everyman vs Chris Brock
Keybo:[/color] After half a card worth of worthless Dirty Deal ideas, we finally have a real wrestling match. But will Everyman be too focused on the Hamster to remember who is in front of him?
Chris Brock
Spike Kane/Falcon vs Gib/Mac Bane
Keybo:[/color] Both of nCw's new stables make their first group appearance in the ring. Spike and Falcon have a bond forged in each others blood, Gib and Mac have a bond forged over time. This is a tough one. Coin flip... and heads..
Spike/Falcon
XTREME RULES
The Ace vs Dark Prophet
Keybo:[/color] The Ace made the challenge and it was accepted. I know the Ace isn't exactly afraid of anyone or anything, but sometimes you have to question why you would provoke the sleeping lion until it woke up.
Dark Prophet
MAIN EVENT: DIRTY DEAL PRESENTS: NCW WORLD HEAVY WEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Dirty Deal vs Adam Knite*
Keybo:[/color] This is garbage. Pure and simple garbage. Where the hell is Bourne when you need him? Talent relations does not in any way give them the power to strip titles if someone refuses to compete. Remember that guys.
Adam Knite on principle.
Keybo: Alright, I'm going to cut this and when we cut back I will be at Philip Burns' residence, ready to interview and ask him all of your loving questions.
(Cut scene.)
(Cut back in to Keybo setting up the camera at the residence of Philip Burns. Burns sits on the couch all stealth and suave in a suit. Keybo takes the seat next to him. Angel is standing in the background, playing nCw Trauma: The video game.)
Keybo: We're back at the home of Philip Burns. Where I'm sitting with the longest reigning Tag champions in the history of well.. probably most places. How you guys doin?
Burns: Peachy.
Angel: Thanks for asking.
Keybo: Normally I'd chat but my time is almost up so we gotta hurry to the questions, k Phil?
Burns: Sure thing buddy.
Keybo: Cecilia Deville from uptown Georgia asks.. Hey, Phil...uh...you got me pregnant about a year ago, I just want to let you know that your son is wanting to see his daddy. Also, when do you and Angel ever think you'll ever lose the tag titles? I know there's like...nobody left to beat...
Burns: I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Also we will never lose the tag titles. In fact we are considering just having them tattooed onto our waists so we dont have to carry them around everywhere. Its a burden to be this good.
Keybo: I'd make a comment about arrogance, but you're probably right. Dax Clark from.. wait.. Dax Clark?
Angel: He's still alive?
Burns: It's a miracle!
Keybo: Not quite. Anyway he asks.. Hey Phil, remember me? Thats not my question, god I hope I didn't just waste my quarter... Uhh real quick, do you think you can get me a jo... and this says the line was cut off. Thank god.
Burns: Too bad security caught the call when they did, I wanted to tell him The only job I would ever get for him is a job polishing Angel's pole. Currently that job is filled by Kelly Fox so it will have to wait.
Keybo: Wonder what Shelly would say about that... Ron Gibson.. oh yay, a tard question.. he asks.. Is there a place to donate money to your poor broken down ass? If so, please let me know and I will try to care.
Burns: Wow, is that little Ronny Gibson? He is so cute with his empty insults and his piss poor career. Looks like somebody couldnt cut it in the ring and earned themselves an office job.
Keybo: Don't remind me. *** damn Superfans. And I think he meant me.
Burns: I thought you have money.
Keybo: I do. But tardo thinks if you don't have a job, you don't have money. That's what you get for being uneducated. Anyway, Billy Hue from Virginia asks.. Hi, my question is to Phillip Burns. You know Phil, ever since I saw you pull that crap about your leg and then Bate's wife....I've been asking myself one thing. Why do you think you deserve to be in the hall of fame? They don't reward people for only doing the bare minimum you know.
Burns: I deserve to be in the Hall of Fame because I make up one half of the greatest and longest running tag team champions of all time. That is a statement of fact. Look at the others tag team in there. We have not only surpassed them but driven out all the competition nCw had to offer in the tag team division. I didnt realize it was the bare minimum to be the best ever, jackass.
Keybo: Some people just don't get it. Well, thanks for the interview Phil.
Burns: No problem Keybo. You gonna stick around? We're gonna fire up the grill.
Keybo: Hells yeah. Well, thats all the time I have for this week. Always remember..
Steel chairs are fun..
Barbed wire is a good time...
And always tip your waitress...
I'm out.
(Fade.)
"Hey, join me again next week when my guest in the studio will be the King of Diamonds, Rob Diamond! Questions? Comments? Want to invite him to comic-on? Send them in to:
TheShabaz@ncwentertainment.com
Or Call the studio lines at 1-866-555-3737
And I'll see you here next week!"
(You know the deal.)