Eleven Reasons Why I'm Better Than You

[Xavier Cross]

The scene opens to a dark bridge underpass, the weather is cold, as Seattle is located up in Washington State. Walking down the street, we see Xavier Cross, with a warm winter jacket, a pair of jeans, and his boots. Making his way down the underpass, we notice a duffle bag of items in his hand, throwing them down we see a group of homeless people huddled up around a fire barrel, the camera crew takes position and Xavier begins speaking.

“To boast one is the greatest of all time, you have to look at history of athletics, of sports itself. Tear back the pages of time, the record books, wins, losses, and how well someone played under pressure. There are great players, and great teams. A great player can do very well in a certain circumstance, while a great team can come together and win big, and play with high intensity, chemistry just oozing from the bench. But a great athlete, is someone who brings it night in and night out, using all their god giving talents, and just lays it all on the line whenever he is called upon. I, Xavier Cross had made such a modest boast, that I am the greatest. How does my record not prove it, sure I’m not undefeated, nor do I have gold around my waist. But when you step inside the squared circle, how do I not match up well against any opponent. I can fly, I can wrestling you on the ground, and I can throw strikes with the best of them. I can take more punishment then any man back there, and I can dish it out twice as hard. So as I don’t want to waste my valuable time, I’ll compile a list of eleven athletes that I believe are the greatest, and tell you why I am easily better than them…”

“Number Eleven, in my opinion I would have to say, Charlie Ward. Maybe some of you idiots know of this sports great. Though he went to Florida State, you know, the Seminoles.. Born October, 12, 1970 who would have known young Charles would have grown to be a professional athlete in three sports. Charlie shined in college, the first ever Seminole to win the Heisman trophy, and has the second highest difference in votes to win a heisman, behind O.J. Simpson. He also won the Davey O’Brien award in football, both as a Quarterback. Under Bobby Bowden, Charlie Ward lead the Seminoles to their first NCAA championship. But also, his senior year Charlie did something that most athletes wouldn’t do. Incoming freshmen running back, Warrick Dunn. His mother, killed his senior year of high school, she was a police officer, shot in the line of duty. Well Charlie took it upon himself to take Dunn under his wing, and keep an eye on him, leading him in the fast track for a NFL career. Sixteen days after winning the heisman he rejoined the basketball team, having played four years with the Seminoles. All around, a college athlete there was no better than Charlie Ward. So on that note, I say f*** you Tim Tebow. Now, out of college, he was drafted by the New York Knicks as a point guard, and not only that drafted as a pitcher for the Milwaukee Brewers, then in ’93 was picked up by the New York Yankees. Though not pursuing an NFL career, he would eventually play backup to Joe Montana at Kansas City.”

Reaching into the bag of items, Xavier pulls out a Florida Seminoles Jersey, with Ward’s name and number on it, holding it up to his chest as though he was seeing if it fit him. Xavier smiles before throwing it into the barrel, a puff of smoke, and then the fire rages up higher. Xavier laughs and continues speaking.

“The reason I gave you the Ward 101 history lesson, is because this was a great man not only on the field, but off the field. But I, I am a better man. Xavier Cross walks around with dignity. In Charlie Wards position I would have never lost that game against Notre Dame, in fact I would have played Quarterback, and Defensive Back. Hell, knowing how great I am, I would have coached. Ask for basketball, I would easily break any FSU record, hell you get the current FSU squad right now and I’ll ball them out of the *** damn gym. As for baseball, sure if I wanted to be in the most un athletic sports next to poker, or anything that women do. I look at game 5 of the NBA player offs, when Ward intentionally dived at PJ Brown, thus creating a brawl. Now what kind of great would do something so dirty, though someone as talented as me would have just swept the series 4-0. However, Charlie Ward in all his greatness, along with his poorly sighted, dumb teammates, lost the series, letting the Miami Heat come back and win it all. The fact is Charlie Ward, and America. I am better than you. I would have taken every chance you were given, and excelled. But however I had better things to attend to then breaking some man’s records, which are probably the only reason you haven’t killed yourself. Charlie Ward, number 11 on my list. I SAY GOOD DAY TO YOU!”

“Next I move to a man who played for UCLA during the John Wooden era, though isn’t remembered for being a basketball player, I am of course talking about Rafer Johnson. Johnson, despite having a knee injury, won the silver medal at the 1956 Olympics in the Decathlon. Then came back in 1960 to win the Gold. He was also offered a scholarship by UCLA to play football, but turned it down to concentrate on the decathlon. However because Johnson was such an outstanding athlete, he did have the ability and time to play basketball at UCLA during the John Wooden era. Such a phenomenal story, but it doesn’t end there. Outside of athletics, after he retired he worked for Robert Kennedy on his campaign, actually Johnson was the man who wrestled the assassin to the ground. Pretty impressive for a sprinter eh? But before I start my rant, I figure I’ll knock Johnson, my number ten athlete out of the ball park, along with my number nine athlete. I’m speaking of another sprinter, Jesse Owens. Although Owens only really played one sport in track and field, he excelled at several different events. Owens once set the record in 100 yard dash (9.4), the 220-yard dash (20.3), the 220-yard low hurdles (22.6), and long jump (26.67 ft.) in a span of about 45 minutes at the Big Ten Championships in Ann Arbor Michigan. Owens also won four gold medals at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin. Owens used to earn money by racing horses and other athletes. Owens would race the fastest ballplayers and also beat them even after giving them a 10-yard head start. Jesse Owens earns my respect, as does Johnson for being some of the fastest athletes in history, though I’m sure any black man can run fast giving the right motivation…oh was that a criminal joke…yes it was, its not like they’re world class swimmers I mean…oh, was that a black people can’t swim joke. Oh no, Al Sharpton is going to have a field day with this. Look, Jesse Owens did something that no country during World War II could do, embarrass Hitler. Looking at old footage, did you see that face? I mean serious, I’ve never see a jew hater so mad since the time Mel Gibson got pulled over. Jesus… excuse me, Mr. Christ. Look, running big deal, sure I might not be the fastest runner, but I didn’t have to make money racing animals like one Mr. Owens, though like Mr. Johnson who was allowed to hold the Olympic torch during one of the games. The reason Xavier Cross didn’t carry it in BeJing is he didn’t want to share time with lesser athletes that didn’t deserve to hold such glory in their palms. So to Mr. Owens, Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Sharpton. I give you two words, F*** You.”

Xavier reaches down into the bag once more, this time pulling out a pair of nike track shoes. Holding them up with his index and middle fingers, Xavier shakes his head in disgust before throwing them into the burn barrel, a sharp smell of burning rubber, and dark smoke rises up. Xavier keeps talking.

“Next I move to number eight, but most people remember his as 21. So in honor of the great, I will call this the ‘prime time’ part of my promo. Deion Sanders…Neon Deion, ay kay ay, Prime Time….Did you know, Deion Sanders, is the only athlete to ever appear in a World Series and a Super Bowl. Sanders is also the only athlete to ever hit a home run and score a touchdown in the same week. He is the only man to score a touchdown off of a kickoff return, punt return, interception, fumble, reception, and rushing. Sanders once played in an NFL game and an MLB game in the same day. Sanders was named NFL Defensive Player of the Year in 1995 where he won the first of his two Super Bowls, his second coming in 1996. All very impressive, a man of great caliber in his own right. Excuse me if I yawn when I talk, but seriously. He appeared in a world series, and a super bowl. Xavier Cross, well Xavier Cross would have been named MVP any appearance he ever had during a championship appearance, which would be every time in any sports career I had. Xavier Cross, ay kay ay, God’s Greatest Gift, I’m not prime time, I’m all the time.”

Pulling out a Dallas Cowboy’s number 21 Jersey, with Sanders name written on the back. Xavier immediately balls the jersey up throwing it into the trashcan, the fire continues to rage under it. The homeless men look confused at the items being thrown into the fire pit, as they can use them, but are also taking the increased warmth as a blessing.

“Next I address my number seven athlete, the Chairman of the Boards, The Big Dipper…Wilt the Stilt….In high school, Chamberlain set Pennsylvania state records in shot put and the 110-meter hurdles, and earned a scholarship to Kansas for both track and basketball. He was recruited by over 200 hundred colleges due to his excellent play in basketball while in high school. In just three seasons of high school play, Chamberlain scored over 2,200 points. At Kansas, Chamberlain didn't just excel at basketball, he won three consecutive Big Eight high jump championships. After college, Chamberlain went on to the NBA where he would win two championships, four MVPs, one finals MVP, and rookie of the year award in 1960. He is known as one of the greatest players to ever play the game of basketball. However, after basketball, he was a elite Volleyball player, ran marathons, and opted not to go professional in both boxing and football, even though he received offers to do so. Not only was Wilt one of the best basketball players, he was also a movie star, playing a villain in Conan the Barbarian, but other than his amazing acting career, he also careers around a record only myself, and the entire Rolling Stones can boast about, sleeping with over 20,000 women. Impressive eh? But Wilt was a product of freak genetics, anyone his height with his wing span could do something like that. I mean given the tools we use make us great, Wilt used all his appendages to his advantage. But Wilt doesn’t under that I could sky over his hook any day, I would grab boards over Wilt in his prime. The hops I got, I could jump over two Big Dippers. Not to mention with my dirty outside shot, I could outplay Wilt any day of the week, in his prime. I’m the Harlem Globetrotters rolled into one sweet Vanilla deliciousness.”

Cross reaches down and pulls out the Los Angeles Lakers Jersey, with Wilts name and number stitched on the back. Laughing Xavier holds it up to the fire, watching it slowly catch flame before dropping it into the barrel. Cross continues on with his discussion.

“Yes, I did say Vanilla Deliciousness, coin that, cut, print, and show the world, Xavier “Vanilla Deliciousness” Cross. Now I’ve talked a lot about high school, college, and pro sports, but this next athlete, number six on my list started off his chain of records in junior college, snazzy eh? I’m talking of Jackie Robinson, In College, became known for his multi-sport stardom. One day while attending Pasadena Junior College, Robinson set a Junior College long jump record of 25' 6 1/2", then ran across town to help his baseball team win the league championship. In Robinson's first year at Pasadena, he hit .417 with 25 stolen bases in 24 games. In the same year, he rushed for over 1,000 yards, 17 touchdowns including a 104-yard kick return. In the same year, Robinson averaged 19 points per game while leading the team to a Southern California Junior College Championship. Then he won MVP honors for his baseball team when winning the league title, and was participating on the track and field team at the same time. After Robinson decided to accept a scholarship from UCLA, he averaged over 12 yards per carry for the Bruins football team in his first season. He was the schools first four letter recipient when he participated in basketball, baseball, football, and track. During his time at UCLA, Robinson was an All-American running back, led the Pac-10 in scoring twice, and was the 1940 NCAA Champion in long jump. Robinson then joined the Dodgers in 1945 where he led the team to six pennants, one world series championship, and won the MVP award in 1949. Pretty great resume, his number is retired throughout the MLB because of the Racial Barriers he destroyed. Such a great man, great man, obviously if I did the same things Robinson did I wouldn’t get as much credit as he did, why? Because I’m a white man, and now a days, white men don’t get squat. Hell the Mexicans have a whole month dedicated to them! I mean look at what the Mexican’s have produced, taco bell, and Xavier Williams, both very low down dirty, and very cheap things. Look, Jackie Robinson broke down racial barriers big deal. I break people’s bones, and careers. I should have a month dedicated to me, in fact, starting this very day, December 25th is now, National Xavier Cross day. Oh that’s Jesus’s birthday? Oh are we going to put Harry Potter on the calendar too? Xavier Cross day is December 25th whether you like it or not!…Racial Barriers…what a joke…”

Xavier pulls out a Dodgers 42 Jersey, he takes a deep breath knowing what that number did for the history of baseball. Folding the Jersey up as though it was a flag, Xavier drops it in the fire, turning away a bit hurt at the fact of what he just did, but then shakes it up and keeps talking.

“Ugh, now we enter the top five. Rounding off the, fantastic five, is athlete Bo Jackson who Jackson was drafted by the New York Yankees but chose to take a scholarship to Auburn University from 1982-1985. Jackson participated in baseball, football, and track. He .401 with 17 homers and 43 RBIs, qualified for the 60-yard dash in his freshman and sophomore years, and won the Heisman trophy in 1984 after rushing for over 1,700 yards. He was also named MVP of the Sugar Bowl in 1983, and the Liberty Bowl in '84. Jackson was then the first pick of the 1986 draft when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers selected him. However, he decided to pursue his baseball career and joined the Kansas City Royals. Jackson was named to the American League All-Star team and won MVP honors for the game, and would finish that season fourth in the AL in both home runs (32) and RBI's (105). In that same year, Jackson would rush for 950 yards in just 11 games for the Oakland Raiders, and would be named to the Pro Bowl team. Now let me ask a question, in today’s America, looking at the New York Yankees, what kid would turn down being drafted by the Yankees to go to Auburn., okay granted to say it was the 80’s and well, Bo probably wasn’t the best educated man. Though he has some very impressive stats…oh wait did I just yawn again. Heisman, home runs, and MVPs. Big deal, big whoop. I could do anything Bo Jackson ever did, you know what scratch that, I wouldn’t have done anything Jackson would have done. I would have signed that contract with the Yankees and been a big league star, instead of wasting my time at Auburn University. The only good thing that comes out of Alabama, which is where Auburn is located you retards, is an exit. That’s all. Though I’m sure the moron Jackson would have fit so well down there, god, I can’t get over how stupid that man was.”

Xavier pulls out a baseball bat this time, not bothering to waste his time finding a Bo Jackson jersey. Careless tossing the bat into the fire, it makes a clanging noise as it hit’s the inside of the barrel.

“Moving past one pathetic idiot, to another, my number four pick for greatest athlete of all time. Dave Winfield, now this is the most interesting thing, Winfield is the only athlete to ever be drafted in all three major sports. Padres in baseball, Utah Stars and Atlanta Hawks in basketball, and the Minnesota Vikings in football, even though he never played a single down in college. Winfield, who played for the Minnesota Golden Gophers, led his baseball team to the semi-finals of the 1973 World Series, and his basketball team to a Big Ten Championship. Winfield never played in the minors, and after 22 seasons, he won seven gold gloves and hit 465 home runs. Speaking of Golden Gloves, why didn’t his father wear one. Dave Winfield, never played a single game in the minors, not one single game. He only led a team to a semi final appearance? Not to mention I didn’t have to speak about nothing in professional football, nor basketball. Oh wait that’s because he played for the Hawks, and the Vikings. Ha, speaking of golden gophers, I got a golden gopher turtling in my butt cheeks…but I gotta finish the list before I’m allowed to go to the bathroom….”

Xavier holds up a Golden Gopher t-shirt, tossing it careless into the fire, as though it was more weight to his hands than worth anything at all.

“Now we enter the top three, oooh. Maybe some big names? Or will I throw a curve ball who knows. Woooo. So number three on my all time greats list a man by the name of Jim Thorpe. Thorpe started out his athletic career by leading his high school football team to a championship in 1912, and won gold at the 1912 Olympics in the Decathlon and Pentathlon. He also won three unofficial league titles with the Canton Bulldogs between 1916 and 1919. Thorpe played baseball as well, putting in six MLB season with the Giants, Braves, and Reds. Thorpe was named best athlete of the first half of the 20th Century. Pretty intense, but remind me the last time anyone cared about Decathalons, Pentathlons or the Braves? Though the fact Thorpe was such a marvelous athlete…in his day in age of course…But a man who can do so much a-thons, followed by six seasons in major league baseball, during a time where if you lived past forty was a great accomplishment in itself. Well gosh golly Jim Thorpe, I bet you’re glad to be dead…seriously, the Braves?”

This time Xavier has a braves hat, even though he is from Atlanta he was never a real fan of the Braves. Stepping back he plays a bit of Frisbee with it, throwing it at the fire he misses and one of the homeless men picks it up. Xavier gives him a glare, before the man tosses it into the fire.

“Now, I hit number two, probably the only man I have respect for on this list because I met him a while back. Funny story though, I didn’t initially recognize him, but he knew me right off the bat. I am speaking of one of my all time favorite athletes, Jim Brown. In High School, Brown earned 12 letters in basketball, football, track, and lacrosse. He was an All-American Lacrosse player and averaged 38 points per game in high school basketball. He lettered in basketball at Syracuse and was also an All-American there in Lacrosse and Football. In 1957, Brown rushed for 12,312 yards, 8th most all-time, but did it in fewer carries than everyone else ahead of him. He is considered to be one the greatest running backs in NFL history, but also finished fifth in the 1956 Decathlon, and was offered a minor league contract by the New York Yankees. Can I say anything bad about Jim Brown? Nope. So I’ll just casually go into my number one.”

Cross slowly leans over the fire looking at what he had done to some great sports history, and then spits into the fire with a grin. Taking the bag, which still seems to have stuff in it, he throws it to one of the homeless guys who reaches into it to show there are clothes in there. The rest of the men run away with him to see what other treasures the bag holds.

“Could anyone doubt who this would be? Better than Bird, Magic, Ali, Gretzky, Jordan, Favre, Manning, Brady, and Elway all rolled into one. The Extremist. The Legend. The Great One. The sultan of swagger. The king of creativity. The lord of the lyrics. The Savior of the Masses, the idiots who line up to watch him compete. I am of course talking about the one, the only, God’s greatest gift to man, more stronger than the Akron Hammer and Superman rolled into one. A man who once told Kevin Garnett anything is possible, and the entire G gatoraid campaign is built around. The Vanilla Deliciousness. Xavier Cross. A man who has accomplished feats unknown to man, athletic prowess that others would need performance enhancers to even dare dream of trying. Though the one thing that I can’t say I’ve done, the one feat that has escaped my grasp over the years. I’m speaking of the World Title. I’ve wrestled in different companies over the years, and every so often I’ll get a shot after proving myself, a number one contenders match. But in my wrestling history, not once has that match been a singles match. I found myself facing down four, to six opponents at a time. Never once was I pinned, or defeated. In fact, if it wasn’t for a quick three count, I had a man tapping out. Meaning I rightfully deserved that title instead of someone else. Though the past is the past, as are the careers of the eleven men I listed. I am the past, present, and future of my industry, I will continue to be a trendsetter, and I refuse to accept defeat as an ultimatum. I am Xavier Cross, so therefore ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce you to your future, n.C.w. World Champion…”

Xavier unzips his jacket to show he is wearing a military uniform, putting his jacket on the ground, he reaches into the shirt itself and pulls out a pair of dog tags ripping them from his neck he throws them into the flame before slowly unbuttoning the uniform.

“Now, my opponent at Mind Games, a man I have personal beef with. William Washington, a man you wouldn’t find on a list of great athletes ever. A list you could put a thousand men on, and you would only find Willie Parker or, Washington Redskins. Not Will Washington. You know why, because Washington is not only a psychopath, but is just a brute. A man with only a few moves, and no real history of ring competition. You know what he was doing before n.C.w.? Nothing, living off a G.I. Bill and his parents money tits. A man who was given everything at a young age, and because his daddy wasn’t man enough to show him the ropes, ran away to war. To grow up to be a good soldier, but no, Rambo had to do things his own way. Well let me give you a lesson Will, men don’t let their emotions control their actions, a man lets his intelligence decide the actions, and uses his emotions to fuel it. You are a man of great intensity but lacks the means to harness it. We have wronged each other in the ring equally, I took your chance at a world title away for good reason, and you came back and helped me remove dead weight from my waist. Now you stand before me, in my personal quest to finally achieve something that will make me the greatest, no one will argue once I finally capture the world title. I will no longer be remembered as Owen Hart, a great wrestler who never got a chance to be a world champion, but as a greater version of Bret Hart. Or, maybe looking at this from another way around, Washington you’re about to go oh and two for number one contenders matches. Especially when you decided to f*** my wife. So at Mind Games, there will be only one game played, Road House, and you can just go ahead and call me Patrick…”

Xavier removes the army uniform top and drops it carelessly into the burn barrel, as the flames fire up higher than anything. Slowly reaching down he picks up the jacket, pulling it over his torso he starts laughing.

“Bring it soldier boy…I’ll c’ya Sunday…”