Post by Rob Diamond on Jan 28, 2010 16:13:35 GMT -6
I'm totally depressed as I walk down the corridor in the arena where Metamorphosis is taking place. Why, you ask? Because I totally bailed on my girl friend Jenny and it makes me sad... And stuff. Not too mention the fact that I have to sit through amateur college comedy troop style promos from my opponent...
But thats not the purpose of this inner monologue, the purpose is to get across how utterly sad I am right now because... Uhhhh.... Because I do stuff and it hurts people and they go away and that makes me sad. I don't know... Personally I think this script is pretty lame and between you and me I'm thinking about firing my promo director, he seems to think if I pull on your heart strings you'll give a crap about me.
F*** that.
This is stupid.
( The scene opens up as Rob described above, only the camera turns toward the director who is behind the camera in his fancy looking chair. He throws his arms up. )
Director: Dammit Rob, we had it that time. You were really pulling me into the recesses of your mind. I really felt attached to you, like I knew you.
Rob: Really? Cause it made me feel gay. Look I know that sort of thing works for like Angel and Bates and Falcon, but not me. Can't we just do something else?
Director: *SIGH*
( He slumps his shoulders, stands up and walks over to Rob, grabbing him by the shoulders. )
Director: Look kid, maybe you haven't heard but my name is Grammar Nasci, I've directed some of the greatest promos ever recorded. I've taken men and made them STARS! Now, do you want to beat Nelly?
Rob: Yes.
Director: SO DO I! Thats why we are going to record this promo my way.
Rob: What does this promo have to do with the match?
Director: Only everything.
Rob:.... Right.... Well, I'm not doing an inner monologue.
( The director throws his little megaphone thing and hits an intern in a Falcon t-shirt. )
Director: Fine. I got a better idea anyways. It starts out with us revealing you nailed Nelly Angel's girl friend.
Rob: LOVE IT!
Director: And as the weeks go by we learn that she's pregnant with your love child, so she leaves Nelly and decides to be with you exclusively.
Rob: Ummmm....
Director: Of course your unsure about being a father, but in the end you make the right choice to be a man and raise this kid.
Rob: But uhh.
Director: The twist comes in the delivery room when the baby comes out black and you and Nelly find out that she cheated on both of you with Xavier Williams, at which point you reconcile your differences in epic promo fashion and form the greatest tag team in the history of the planet.
( Rob strokes his chin for a second like he's really thinking about. )
Rob: You had me at nail Nelly's girl and lost me at pregnant. Besides, that sounds like more of a story arch from some CW network show.
Director: I pitched it to them, they didn't like it either. Of course I wanted Sam Neal to star but freaking Denis Quaid was the only one who liked the script.
Rob: Yeah well he'll make any piece of crap movie as long as theres a check involved, I think we've all seen Pandora....
( Rob and the Director look at the camera. )
Rob: So Nelly Angel sucks.
Director: Totally agree.
Rob: And your fired, we're doing this promo my way.
( Rob grabs the director and tosses him off camera. He turns back, smiles and clears his throat. )
Rob: You know, when I heard I was fighting Randy Angel instead of Nelly Angel, I got real confused. Because I could of sworn the contract had that little girl's signature on it. Yet I load up the promo today on my iphone and theres Randy Angel running his mouth about pimps and hoes or whatever the hell he was saying. Personally I don't speak black, so I really had no clue. But I'm just a little curious, at what point did Nelly's balls drop right off of his body?
( Rob takes a break, so you can answer the screen. )
Rob: THEY DIDN'T?! Now you've got to be kidding me. Because I could of sworn a man who lets another man do all his talking for him doesn't have a ball left to kick in. And yet, there's Mr. Randy Angel talking up a storm about this that and the other thing, something about his contract which...
( Rob whips out Nelly's contract and starts reading it. )
Rob: Doesn't say a damn thing about the roof coming off... In fact, Chris could you come here and double check this for me.
( Chris steps into shot and takes a look at the contract. )
Chris: Nope, nothing about no roofs. Guess that makes Randy a liar and a moron. How did he get a job here anyways?
Rob: Another one of Spike's great ideas maybe?
Chris: Sounds about right.
Rob: But hey you know what? Manager or not, if you've got to have your brother talk for you Nelly because your too damn scared to step up to me like a man, you might as well have him fight for you too. He'll probably put up more of a fight then you anyways. After all, your just a no talent spot monkey who can only get out of an ass whooping by making the bully laugh. Too bad this isn't third grade anymore, huh? Other wise I'd of left you alone after that first promo you pointed in my direction. And I mean, damn are you funny. Cowering like a little baby under your bed while big brother Randy takes care of that boogie man, hysterical. You know Randy, you really are a good brother, it's really unfortunate that I'm going to have to kick your ball sinto your throat like the little piss ant that you are. But at least I'll enjoy it, far more than your Jay Z impression.
( .........The..... Rob.... Smirks? )
Rob: You know, sometimes I find it hard to lower my IQ down to the level of the morons and Neanderthals my brother seems to hire, but then I remember I don't care what they say anyways, it never makes any sense. Take for example that both Nelly and Randy keep telling me I changed my tune. They just keep saying it. OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Now guys, I know the rule is to say something three times so people don't forget, but we're on like the hundredth time of you claiming that I said something about the X-Division title not mattering because I lost it....
Really? I said that? Seems pretty stupid of me to say that.
Oh wait, I know what you mean. You mean since I lost it I don't care about it because the moment I lost it, it lost all credibility. Or maybe you missed the week where I said I was happy to be rid of that title because it was holding me down? Because in the world of Nelly Angel, it just doesn't happen if it isn't done with clown paint, balloons, or some kind of insinuated gay joke. Well sorry guys, I can't cleverly work in a stupid ass joke into all my promos, I'm just not that talented or funny I guess. The fact is children, I do not care about the X-Division, never really did. It was a title, I won it, and while I had it for a record FIVE MONTHS, longer than any other singles title reign in nCw, the belt mattered. Now it doesn't because some jerkass comedian like yourselves has it.
Heres the thing guys, I get that you like funny people, I mean, your complete and total retards, so of course you only find people who make you laugh interesting. Thats why you've got a hard on for Lord Dominicus and Mr. Happy and every other comedy act in nCw. I do not have a hard on for that kind of worthless garbage. You want to make people laugh, they have a whole network for that crap. Here in nCw, its all about the wrestling baby, and you CANNOT argue the fact that I have dominated the hell out of that ring since dropping the Lord Dominicus babble. Sure, you can look at my record and say it isn't impressive, but most of those losses were from when I was like Nelly.
A loser.
I'm not a loser anymore. I'm not a joke anymore. And no one is going to laugh at me anymore. You've had your fun boys. You've made your jokes. Now it's time to actually man up and get in that ring and fight me. I'm not afraid. I'm not running scared. I've been there every step of the way Nelly. I haven't run from you. I haven't hid from you. I've been right in your face since day one.
And this is where your brother had things wrong Nell, I don't want to just beat you. Pinning your shoulders to the mat won't be nearly so satisfying if I know your going to get up after wards. Thats why I let Dirty Deal kick your ass, thats why I came out after the match, thats why Sunday night, while your flipping around the ring like the little Falcon wannabe that you are, I'll be right there ready to crush your skull with a steel chair. Then put you through a couple of tables. Perhaps break a few ribs with the steps. And at the end of the night, when your laying in a pool of your own blood, looking up at the lights, knowing this just may be the end of your career....
I'm going to choke the *** damn life out of you right in the middle of that ring.
Sweet Dreams.
( The look on Rob's face is one of pure hatred as the camera fades out on his devilish grin. )
But thats not the purpose of this inner monologue, the purpose is to get across how utterly sad I am right now because... Uhhhh.... Because I do stuff and it hurts people and they go away and that makes me sad. I don't know... Personally I think this script is pretty lame and between you and me I'm thinking about firing my promo director, he seems to think if I pull on your heart strings you'll give a crap about me.
F*** that.
This is stupid.
( The scene opens up as Rob described above, only the camera turns toward the director who is behind the camera in his fancy looking chair. He throws his arms up. )
Director: Dammit Rob, we had it that time. You were really pulling me into the recesses of your mind. I really felt attached to you, like I knew you.
Rob: Really? Cause it made me feel gay. Look I know that sort of thing works for like Angel and Bates and Falcon, but not me. Can't we just do something else?
Director: *SIGH*
( He slumps his shoulders, stands up and walks over to Rob, grabbing him by the shoulders. )
Director: Look kid, maybe you haven't heard but my name is Grammar Nasci, I've directed some of the greatest promos ever recorded. I've taken men and made them STARS! Now, do you want to beat Nelly?
Rob: Yes.
Director: SO DO I! Thats why we are going to record this promo my way.
Rob: What does this promo have to do with the match?
Director: Only everything.
Rob:.... Right.... Well, I'm not doing an inner monologue.
( The director throws his little megaphone thing and hits an intern in a Falcon t-shirt. )
Director: Fine. I got a better idea anyways. It starts out with us revealing you nailed Nelly Angel's girl friend.
Rob: LOVE IT!
Director: And as the weeks go by we learn that she's pregnant with your love child, so she leaves Nelly and decides to be with you exclusively.
Rob: Ummmm....
Director: Of course your unsure about being a father, but in the end you make the right choice to be a man and raise this kid.
Rob: But uhh.
Director: The twist comes in the delivery room when the baby comes out black and you and Nelly find out that she cheated on both of you with Xavier Williams, at which point you reconcile your differences in epic promo fashion and form the greatest tag team in the history of the planet.
( Rob strokes his chin for a second like he's really thinking about. )
Rob: You had me at nail Nelly's girl and lost me at pregnant. Besides, that sounds like more of a story arch from some CW network show.
Director: I pitched it to them, they didn't like it either. Of course I wanted Sam Neal to star but freaking Denis Quaid was the only one who liked the script.
Rob: Yeah well he'll make any piece of crap movie as long as theres a check involved, I think we've all seen Pandora....
( Rob and the Director look at the camera. )
Rob: So Nelly Angel sucks.
Director: Totally agree.
Rob: And your fired, we're doing this promo my way.
( Rob grabs the director and tosses him off camera. He turns back, smiles and clears his throat. )
Rob: You know, when I heard I was fighting Randy Angel instead of Nelly Angel, I got real confused. Because I could of sworn the contract had that little girl's signature on it. Yet I load up the promo today on my iphone and theres Randy Angel running his mouth about pimps and hoes or whatever the hell he was saying. Personally I don't speak black, so I really had no clue. But I'm just a little curious, at what point did Nelly's balls drop right off of his body?
( Rob takes a break, so you can answer the screen. )
Rob: THEY DIDN'T?! Now you've got to be kidding me. Because I could of sworn a man who lets another man do all his talking for him doesn't have a ball left to kick in. And yet, there's Mr. Randy Angel talking up a storm about this that and the other thing, something about his contract which...
( Rob whips out Nelly's contract and starts reading it. )
Rob: Doesn't say a damn thing about the roof coming off... In fact, Chris could you come here and double check this for me.
( Chris steps into shot and takes a look at the contract. )
Chris: Nope, nothing about no roofs. Guess that makes Randy a liar and a moron. How did he get a job here anyways?
Rob: Another one of Spike's great ideas maybe?
Chris: Sounds about right.
Rob: But hey you know what? Manager or not, if you've got to have your brother talk for you Nelly because your too damn scared to step up to me like a man, you might as well have him fight for you too. He'll probably put up more of a fight then you anyways. After all, your just a no talent spot monkey who can only get out of an ass whooping by making the bully laugh. Too bad this isn't third grade anymore, huh? Other wise I'd of left you alone after that first promo you pointed in my direction. And I mean, damn are you funny. Cowering like a little baby under your bed while big brother Randy takes care of that boogie man, hysterical. You know Randy, you really are a good brother, it's really unfortunate that I'm going to have to kick your ball sinto your throat like the little piss ant that you are. But at least I'll enjoy it, far more than your Jay Z impression.
( .........The..... Rob.... Smirks? )
Rob: You know, sometimes I find it hard to lower my IQ down to the level of the morons and Neanderthals my brother seems to hire, but then I remember I don't care what they say anyways, it never makes any sense. Take for example that both Nelly and Randy keep telling me I changed my tune. They just keep saying it. OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Now guys, I know the rule is to say something three times so people don't forget, but we're on like the hundredth time of you claiming that I said something about the X-Division title not mattering because I lost it....
Really? I said that? Seems pretty stupid of me to say that.
Oh wait, I know what you mean. You mean since I lost it I don't care about it because the moment I lost it, it lost all credibility. Or maybe you missed the week where I said I was happy to be rid of that title because it was holding me down? Because in the world of Nelly Angel, it just doesn't happen if it isn't done with clown paint, balloons, or some kind of insinuated gay joke. Well sorry guys, I can't cleverly work in a stupid ass joke into all my promos, I'm just not that talented or funny I guess. The fact is children, I do not care about the X-Division, never really did. It was a title, I won it, and while I had it for a record FIVE MONTHS, longer than any other singles title reign in nCw, the belt mattered. Now it doesn't because some jerkass comedian like yourselves has it.
Heres the thing guys, I get that you like funny people, I mean, your complete and total retards, so of course you only find people who make you laugh interesting. Thats why you've got a hard on for Lord Dominicus and Mr. Happy and every other comedy act in nCw. I do not have a hard on for that kind of worthless garbage. You want to make people laugh, they have a whole network for that crap. Here in nCw, its all about the wrestling baby, and you CANNOT argue the fact that I have dominated the hell out of that ring since dropping the Lord Dominicus babble. Sure, you can look at my record and say it isn't impressive, but most of those losses were from when I was like Nelly.
A loser.
I'm not a loser anymore. I'm not a joke anymore. And no one is going to laugh at me anymore. You've had your fun boys. You've made your jokes. Now it's time to actually man up and get in that ring and fight me. I'm not afraid. I'm not running scared. I've been there every step of the way Nelly. I haven't run from you. I haven't hid from you. I've been right in your face since day one.
And this is where your brother had things wrong Nell, I don't want to just beat you. Pinning your shoulders to the mat won't be nearly so satisfying if I know your going to get up after wards. Thats why I let Dirty Deal kick your ass, thats why I came out after the match, thats why Sunday night, while your flipping around the ring like the little Falcon wannabe that you are, I'll be right there ready to crush your skull with a steel chair. Then put you through a couple of tables. Perhaps break a few ribs with the steps. And at the end of the night, when your laying in a pool of your own blood, looking up at the lights, knowing this just may be the end of your career....
I'm going to choke the *** damn life out of you right in the middle of that ring.
Sweet Dreams.
( The look on Rob's face is one of pure hatred as the camera fades out on his devilish grin. )