Post by Steve Awesome on Apr 30, 2010 12:40:25 GMT -6
You know what I always thought was funny in that ironic sort of way? Those moments on the Maury Povich show where they would do the paternity tests. The girl would come on first, Maury would introduce her and she would go on to tell you about how this guy in the back is a jerk. He denies that her baby really belongs to him and she’s all pissy about it and she brought him to Maury to make him finally realize how wrong he was. Then he goes on and introduces the guy. He comes out and the crowd boos him but he holds his own and he takes a seat. He pleads his case, maybe calls the girl a whore and then Maury is handed the infamous envelope. Maury rips it open and reads off the results. “In regards to little baby junior whatsitsname……
You are NOT the father.
Oh man, it gets me every time. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for the baby since it still doesn’t have a father, but I can’t help but laugh at the girl. She finds out the truth and she gets so upset. She was just so sure. So absolutely, positively, one hundred percent sure that guy was the dad. She wouldn’t let her mind consider any other option and when the truth finally came out, it was almost too much to bear. I always enjoy irony.
I can’t convince you Adam, because your not willing to believe it. Relationships end all the time, dude. Marriages fail, divorces happen, I mean hello it’s two thousand freaking ten man. The sanctity of marriage doesn’t mean anything to anybody anymore. Do you know how easy it is to take a wedding ring off now a days? It’s as simple as….
1.…2.…..3.
You can shake your head no, you can go over all the great memories but it’s not changing the reality Adam. I don’t have to convince you, all I have to do is beat you, and then you’ll see for yourself. It might be a bit overwhelming for you at first but look at it this way, if you really care about Kelly, wouldn’t you want her to be where she’s the happiest?
In my arms.
We open up to see Zelda Knite’s “good friend” Sam sitting alone, drowning his sorrows in a plate filled with chicken.
“Stupid Zelda. Turning me down. I’ll show her.”
Sam tears another juicy bite out of the meat on his plate and begins to chew it. He darn near chokes on it though when he notices who walks through the door into the cafeteria.
“STEVE AWESOME!?!?”
Awesome hears his name echo in the room and spots the kid barreling straight toward him. Steve tries to walk the other way but his destination is blocked, so he reluctantly turns around to greet his friends stalker.
“Hey…..Sam right?”
Upon mention of his name, Sam goes all wide eyed. He looks up at Steve in awe.
“You know my name?”
“Yeah, Zelda told me all about you.”
“Ooh? Anything….”good”?”
He raises his eyebrows up and down in pure Milhouse fashion.
“No, not really. Unless you count a “rapist wit” as a good thing?”
Sam’s shoulders slump in disappointment.
“Figures…..*sigh*…..one day I hope I can be as cool as you are Steve……”
“Have you tried laying off the Hawaiian T-shirts?”
“…….then it wouldn’t matter if Zelda didn’t like me. I could just go out and bang any girl I wanted to. You’re the only dude I know that can start a conversation with a chick while naked and not get sued for harassment. Now that’s nice.”
Sam begins to imagine himself as some sort of a playboy as Steve begins to wave his hands back and forth, shoeing his dreams away.
“No, no. You don’t want that man. Well maybe you do, but let me tell you that it might sound nice but after awhile it just gets boring. Waking up to a random naked girl in your bed gets old after awhile. What you want to do, is find that one true love. The one girl that you want to spend the rest of your life with. I promise you, when that happens, each day feels like it’s brand new.”
Sam goes over Steve’s advice in his head.
“Hmm. I guess your right. So should I keep going after Zelda?
“No. You’re a little out of your league there.”
Sam begins to follow Steve as he begins to walk away.
“So what? Should I try Ayla? Or maybe Julietta?”
“Uh….I hear The Cat Lady is single…..”
Fade on them walking away.
He presses play on the handi-cam again. You sort of feel more safe now that he has the cam….you don’t have to worry about this guy ever killing his wife and burying her for dramatic effect. Nope, he uses the handi-cam for what it’s for. To record himself talking crap to his opponents. You gotta love that about him.
“You know Adam…..”
He wipes some hair from the front of his face as he begins to speak.
“…earlier today I was walking around, minding my own business when I came across this sad little man eating some chicken in the cafeteria of my hotel. He was having girl trouble and I took the liberty oh helping him out. I gave him some sound advice about love and finding the right girl for you and sticking with it. He seemed to think it was right but after I said it I had to stop and realize that I’m actually saying those things. Me. The guy who has slept with everything, the guy who is called an asshole. The guy everyone in the back will turn on at a moments notice the second I do or say something they don’t like. I had to stop and make sure I was really saying it because I’ll be honest, it caught me off guard a little bit. Then came the shocking twist.
I meant it.
I meant every word of it. The only loving one person for the rest of your life and when you do, each day feels like a brand new one. The way you can hear each individual bird chirp when your in love. The way the sun warms you and the way the cool breeze hits your face when your in love. That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach whenever you look at her. God. If I couldn’t look at her….
He shakes his head. He doesn’t even want to consider that.
“I guess what I’m trying to say here, in a very round about way is that for once in my life….I’m happy. Not like oh, I got a new iPod happy, but like mentally and physically happy. For more than just a brief moment and then you go back to indifference. I’m happy all the time. No more random sluts, no more awkward wake ups, no more…“Hey have you seen my pants I have a plane to catch”. No more pretending to enjoy my slutty life, just happiness.
“It’s great. I haven’t felt this way in forever. But then the thought comes to mind that you Adam, you want to ruin that. You want to take all that away from me, and I’m sorry but I just can’t allow that to happen. Not now, not ever. This Sunday night, Adam, you threaten to take that happiness away. You want to ruin my life all because your too stubborn to realize what’s really going on around you. Kelly might have loved you, but she just doesn’t anymore, okay? She wants to be with me, and I’m willing to do whatever I have to do in order to make that happen. And don’t sit there and tell me you’ve herd that very phrase countless times because I know you know that if there was anybody on this roster that can beat you….it’s me. I promise you Adam, that your going to have to kill me to beat me.
This Sunday Adam, it’s either win or death.
And either choice is better than seeing you with her.
Fade.
You are NOT the father.
Oh man, it gets me every time. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for the baby since it still doesn’t have a father, but I can’t help but laugh at the girl. She finds out the truth and she gets so upset. She was just so sure. So absolutely, positively, one hundred percent sure that guy was the dad. She wouldn’t let her mind consider any other option and when the truth finally came out, it was almost too much to bear. I always enjoy irony.
I can’t convince you Adam, because your not willing to believe it. Relationships end all the time, dude. Marriages fail, divorces happen, I mean hello it’s two thousand freaking ten man. The sanctity of marriage doesn’t mean anything to anybody anymore. Do you know how easy it is to take a wedding ring off now a days? It’s as simple as….
1.…2.…..3.
You can shake your head no, you can go over all the great memories but it’s not changing the reality Adam. I don’t have to convince you, all I have to do is beat you, and then you’ll see for yourself. It might be a bit overwhelming for you at first but look at it this way, if you really care about Kelly, wouldn’t you want her to be where she’s the happiest?
In my arms.
We open up to see Zelda Knite’s “good friend” Sam sitting alone, drowning his sorrows in a plate filled with chicken.
“Stupid Zelda. Turning me down. I’ll show her.”
Sam tears another juicy bite out of the meat on his plate and begins to chew it. He darn near chokes on it though when he notices who walks through the door into the cafeteria.
“STEVE AWESOME!?!?”
Awesome hears his name echo in the room and spots the kid barreling straight toward him. Steve tries to walk the other way but his destination is blocked, so he reluctantly turns around to greet his friends stalker.
“Hey…..Sam right?”
Upon mention of his name, Sam goes all wide eyed. He looks up at Steve in awe.
“You know my name?”
“Yeah, Zelda told me all about you.”
“Ooh? Anything….”good”?”
He raises his eyebrows up and down in pure Milhouse fashion.
“No, not really. Unless you count a “rapist wit” as a good thing?”
Sam’s shoulders slump in disappointment.
“Figures…..*sigh*…..one day I hope I can be as cool as you are Steve……”
“Have you tried laying off the Hawaiian T-shirts?”
“…….then it wouldn’t matter if Zelda didn’t like me. I could just go out and bang any girl I wanted to. You’re the only dude I know that can start a conversation with a chick while naked and not get sued for harassment. Now that’s nice.”
Sam begins to imagine himself as some sort of a playboy as Steve begins to wave his hands back and forth, shoeing his dreams away.
“No, no. You don’t want that man. Well maybe you do, but let me tell you that it might sound nice but after awhile it just gets boring. Waking up to a random naked girl in your bed gets old after awhile. What you want to do, is find that one true love. The one girl that you want to spend the rest of your life with. I promise you, when that happens, each day feels like it’s brand new.”
Sam goes over Steve’s advice in his head.
“Hmm. I guess your right. So should I keep going after Zelda?
“No. You’re a little out of your league there.”
Sam begins to follow Steve as he begins to walk away.
“So what? Should I try Ayla? Or maybe Julietta?”
“Uh….I hear The Cat Lady is single…..”
Fade on them walking away.
He presses play on the handi-cam again. You sort of feel more safe now that he has the cam….you don’t have to worry about this guy ever killing his wife and burying her for dramatic effect. Nope, he uses the handi-cam for what it’s for. To record himself talking crap to his opponents. You gotta love that about him.
“You know Adam…..”
He wipes some hair from the front of his face as he begins to speak.
“…earlier today I was walking around, minding my own business when I came across this sad little man eating some chicken in the cafeteria of my hotel. He was having girl trouble and I took the liberty oh helping him out. I gave him some sound advice about love and finding the right girl for you and sticking with it. He seemed to think it was right but after I said it I had to stop and realize that I’m actually saying those things. Me. The guy who has slept with everything, the guy who is called an asshole. The guy everyone in the back will turn on at a moments notice the second I do or say something they don’t like. I had to stop and make sure I was really saying it because I’ll be honest, it caught me off guard a little bit. Then came the shocking twist.
I meant it.
I meant every word of it. The only loving one person for the rest of your life and when you do, each day feels like a brand new one. The way you can hear each individual bird chirp when your in love. The way the sun warms you and the way the cool breeze hits your face when your in love. That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach whenever you look at her. God. If I couldn’t look at her….
He shakes his head. He doesn’t even want to consider that.
“I guess what I’m trying to say here, in a very round about way is that for once in my life….I’m happy. Not like oh, I got a new iPod happy, but like mentally and physically happy. For more than just a brief moment and then you go back to indifference. I’m happy all the time. No more random sluts, no more awkward wake ups, no more…“Hey have you seen my pants I have a plane to catch”. No more pretending to enjoy my slutty life, just happiness.
“It’s great. I haven’t felt this way in forever. But then the thought comes to mind that you Adam, you want to ruin that. You want to take all that away from me, and I’m sorry but I just can’t allow that to happen. Not now, not ever. This Sunday night, Adam, you threaten to take that happiness away. You want to ruin my life all because your too stubborn to realize what’s really going on around you. Kelly might have loved you, but she just doesn’t anymore, okay? She wants to be with me, and I’m willing to do whatever I have to do in order to make that happen. And don’t sit there and tell me you’ve herd that very phrase countless times because I know you know that if there was anybody on this roster that can beat you….it’s me. I promise you Adam, that your going to have to kill me to beat me.
This Sunday Adam, it’s either win or death.
And either choice is better than seeing you with her.
Fade.