Post by Destructor! on Jun 1, 2010 21:58:48 GMT -6
Last Saturday wasn’t my finest hour.
Shawn Styles, you know that guy I talked a lot of smack about, beat me in the center of the ring and now have the opportunity for the X-Division title. He gets to be on pay per view while I’m…
On the damn pre-show. I mean the pre-show? Really? That’s not even on television! People in third world countries who just happen to have a big screen television but can’t afford a computer won’t be able to see me! I worked hard for this opportunity to shine in the big spotlight…and I blew it…
So to “improve my posture” Mr. Jennings told me that I need to take more hard shots to the ribs. So while he held me in a full nelson, John begins sending fists and boots into my abs.
I don’t think this is a good workout.
John: “So I was thinking about giving Zelda another shout out. She never responded to my e-mail, so I’m going to send her like, flowers or something. What do you think?”
I struggle to give him an answer quickly. In my personal opinion when you’re getting punched and kicked in the stomach, you don’t really have enough breath to answer a question.
Luke: “I…*cough*…think…*cough*….you…*cough*…should…*cough*…go…*cough*…for…*cough*….it.
Mr. Jennings drops me down the mat like a bag of bricks. I fall to my knees, gasping for any air that I can get, spitting out the blood. I just lay face first into the mat, trying to catch my breath.
Mr. Jennings: “Who is this Zelda you’re always talking about John?”
John: “Are you serious man? You’ve never heard of Zelda Knite? Do you like, own a television or something?”
Mr. Jennings: “A television? No…you see that corrupts the mind. I get my information from just watching people. I get snippets of newspapers and listen to people’s conversations to catch up on current events. The television, not a good thing.”
John: “Um…alright. Anyway, Zelda Knite is like, the hottest female wrestler to ever walk into a wrestling ring. She’s been Women’s champion for like, ever. I don’t think there’s ever been another woman champion like her!”
Mr. Jennings: “Hmm…how are her boobs?”
I catch a glimpse of John shaking his head approvingly as I slowly begin to sit up. At least three of my ribs are fractured and it’s still hard to breathe, but I’m not going to stop these guys from having their groundbreaking conversation.
Mr. Jennings: “Then I totally suggest you send her flowers or something. Women like daises. It makes them wet, I suggest you go with those.
Luke: “Sorry to interrupt this thrilling conversation, but what was the point of that drill again? ‘Improve my posture’ or some junk?”
John: “I just wanted to beat your ass.”
Mr. Jennings: “No, no, that wasn’t either. That posture thing was just a load of bull I decided to tell you just so you would agree to do it. I didn’t want to tell you the harsh truth. Luke your match this weekend is a tag team match, and tag teams like doing moves like that to you. Now, this is the first tag team match you’ve ever been in so you wouldn’t know that, but it happens.”
I’m not really mad at Mr. Jennings. I mean, his theory really does make sense. The problem I’m having is that he seems very quick to lie to me and not tell me the whole story.
I hadn’t yet confront him about him possibly being my dad, I mean right now I was on a roll in the wrestling ring and didn’t want to screw up any of my mojo. Even though I lost, thought I put on a good showing.
Well, it was more than that. If Mr. Jennings actually is my father, why ruin the moment? Why ruin the time we’re sharing right now and blow any possible future we could have. It’s not really worth it, so I’ll just ride the lighting and see where things go.
Luke: “That makes sense.”
Mr. Jennings pats me on the back and smiles like a proud father would to a son and I feel happy for the first time in a long while.
John: “So daises…yes…panties wet…sounds like a plan. Do you know a florist?”
Fade out.
We fade back and see a red phone with a red light blinking. It starts ringing and the camera quickly pans to Dr. Insano who turns his head while doing…scientist stuff.
Dr. Insano: “Oh no! It’s the mayor!”
Dr. Insano jumps off his chair and towards the phone and picks it up.
Dr. Insano: “Yes mayor? What? Timmy is stuck in a well AGAIN? But you want us to cut a promo first? In the name of SCIENCE! we’ll be right there!”
Dr. Insano hangs up the phone and dramatically turns his head towards the right.
Dr. Insano: “Holy Ravioli Destructor! That was the mayor; he told us we needed to cut a promo quick!”
The camera pans to Destructor! who has stands up from his chair dramatically. He puts his hands on his hips and slowly cocks his head up and towards the left.
Destructor!: “Quick! To the Lab of SCIENCE and Destruction!”
The camera spins and the theme song to Destructor! begins to play…
”Destructor!....”Destructor!”…”Destructor!...Destructor!...Destructor!...dadadadadadadadadadadadada….DESTRUCTOR!”
Cartoon images of Dr. Insano and Destructor! are on screen punching the bad guys and picking up chicks before finally revealing the Destructor! logo, which just happens to be a large exclamation point with the letter ‘D’ in front of us. In small letters in the bottom right hand corner it reads “Please don’t sue us Batman!”
Meanwhile in the Mayor’s Office…
We see the “Mayor” (Mr. Jennings in a suit) sitting at his desk twiddling his fingers. A few moments pass and he looks around, when all of a sudden Destructor! and Dr. Insano breaks through the glass window! Both men roll on the floor and get up to their feet, wiping the glass off of them.
Mayor: “You two sure as hell know how to make an entrance!
Destructor!: “You called us Mayor?”
Mayor: “Yes, you see you…you…um…”
The mayor looks around confused. Destructor! and Dr. Insano slowly gets out of character and point to the piece of paper on the Mayor’s desk, obviously his script.
Mayor: “Oh yes! Sorry I lost my train of thought. You! Destructor! You have a match! At! Wired!”
Dr. Insano: “Why are you screaming dude?”
Mayor: “I’m! Not! Screaming! I’m…ACTING!”
Destructor! and Dr. Insano shakes their heads, but continues with the scene.
Destructor!: “Hmm…I see Mayor. I have a match, huh? What kind of match? Does it involve The Jokester Freakke or The Catwoman Mike Honcho?”
Mayor: “No! It is! A..tag team! Match!”
Destructor!: “Ha! Two opponents dare cross the path of the world’s greatest professional wrestler Destructor!? Who are these dastardly fools who will try and step into the ring with me?”
Mayor: “It is! Nathan! Doe! And! Ron! Gibson!”
Destructor! and Dr. Insano begins to laugh, you know, that old haw haw that’s a funny thing to say type of laugh.
Destructor!: “Those two step into the ring with Destructor! Ron Gibson, you know I’ve heard about him before. He used to be a full on racist! That’s right, he did not appreciate white people. He would walk around, screaming nasty things to white people, hating on everything they did and you know what? That is wrong. No reason to discriminate, we’re just humans! I mean, that is like that one time I had to stop the evil doings of the Riddler Shawn Styles, and you know what I did? I beat him in the ring! Ha ha! So I hope Ron Gibson is prepared for our match this Sunday; he might be a seasoned vet and he might have now turned a new leaf on life, and hell he was a great tag team champion so he’s good in tag team matches, but you know what? That means nothing! An old dog will never learn new tricks and when he gets into the ring with me, this young dog will have to put the old dog out to pastor!”
Dr. Insano: “You tell him dawg!”
Destructor!: “Ron Gibson is a big man. And by big I mean fat. And by man I mean somebody who just happens to have the right genitalia. He acts like no man, discriminating against people, and those dastardly tactics will take a beating from my hands, the hands of the new upstart superstar, the person the fans voted to be the next newcomer to win a championship…Destructor! Ron, I know you’re a changed man; except for hating certain people you’ll hate me…for kicking your ass! Ron Gibson and Nathan Doe I hope you guys workout hard, because I will be bringing the POW! the ZAP! the ZOINK! and more importantly I will be bringing the PAIN! At Wired Destructor! will continue his legacy and will soon become what his father intended him to be, the greatest wrestler of all time!”
Dr. Insano and Destructor! high five.
Dr. Insano: “But Destructor! you also have another opponent! His name, Nathan Doe!”
Destructor!: “I heard young whippersnapper; Nathan Doe, I will admit I don’t know much about him. I do know though, that his name is Doe, and that’s a quote from the Simpsons. That’s what you are Nathan, you’re a mistake, something that a big bumbling idiot would say when he messed up; hell that’s what your father said after he had sex with your mom! ‘D’oh! Gonna be stuck with those hoe for eighteen years!’ that’s all you are Nathan, you’re a mistake to the wrestling industry. Me? I’m a different case, I am the son of my father, the greatest wrestler of his generation. He’s done things that you could never think about and he’s passed it on to me, he gave me the skills to be the best wrestler in the world! And that is fact!”
Dr. Insano: “Destructor! will take his opponents and mush them like mashed potatoes, he’ll beat them so bad that they’ll have to update their resumes and find a new profession because Destructor! will..
DESTRUCT THEM!”
The two high five once more, but the Mayor seems perplexed and confused.
Destructor!: “What is it Mayor?”
Mayor: “Well this is a tag team match. You have a partner.”
Destructor!: “Ah yes I heard. I heard that my partner was somebody who once wrestled in the same company as my father. Tell me Mayor, is it Mongo the Destroyer?”
Mayor: “Um, no.”
Destructor!: “Hmm, then it must be Scorpion! Yes they were great friends, he would love to help out his friend’s son!”
Mayor: “No, he went crazy years ago.”
Destructor!: “Is it Hanz? He was the first champion you know!”
Mayor: “Not Hanz, no.”
Destructor!: “Odin?”
Mayor: “Nope.”
Destructor!: “Eddie Guerrero? Taking one for the team maybe?”
Mayor: “He’s dead.”
Destructor!: “Rat Bastard?”
Mayor: “….”
Destructor!: “Let me see that paper.”
Destructor! snatches the paper out of the Mayor’s hand and begins to read it. His eyes widen and all the air is knocked out of him.
Destructor!: “Joe Everyman!? FUC-“
Fade out.
Catch you guys same Destructor! place, same Destructor! time!
Shawn Styles, you know that guy I talked a lot of smack about, beat me in the center of the ring and now have the opportunity for the X-Division title. He gets to be on pay per view while I’m…
On the damn pre-show. I mean the pre-show? Really? That’s not even on television! People in third world countries who just happen to have a big screen television but can’t afford a computer won’t be able to see me! I worked hard for this opportunity to shine in the big spotlight…and I blew it…
So to “improve my posture” Mr. Jennings told me that I need to take more hard shots to the ribs. So while he held me in a full nelson, John begins sending fists and boots into my abs.
I don’t think this is a good workout.
John: “So I was thinking about giving Zelda another shout out. She never responded to my e-mail, so I’m going to send her like, flowers or something. What do you think?”
I struggle to give him an answer quickly. In my personal opinion when you’re getting punched and kicked in the stomach, you don’t really have enough breath to answer a question.
Luke: “I…*cough*…think…*cough*….you…*cough*…should…*cough*…go…*cough*…for…*cough*….it.
Mr. Jennings drops me down the mat like a bag of bricks. I fall to my knees, gasping for any air that I can get, spitting out the blood. I just lay face first into the mat, trying to catch my breath.
Mr. Jennings: “Who is this Zelda you’re always talking about John?”
John: “Are you serious man? You’ve never heard of Zelda Knite? Do you like, own a television or something?”
Mr. Jennings: “A television? No…you see that corrupts the mind. I get my information from just watching people. I get snippets of newspapers and listen to people’s conversations to catch up on current events. The television, not a good thing.”
John: “Um…alright. Anyway, Zelda Knite is like, the hottest female wrestler to ever walk into a wrestling ring. She’s been Women’s champion for like, ever. I don’t think there’s ever been another woman champion like her!”
Mr. Jennings: “Hmm…how are her boobs?”
I catch a glimpse of John shaking his head approvingly as I slowly begin to sit up. At least three of my ribs are fractured and it’s still hard to breathe, but I’m not going to stop these guys from having their groundbreaking conversation.
Mr. Jennings: “Then I totally suggest you send her flowers or something. Women like daises. It makes them wet, I suggest you go with those.
Luke: “Sorry to interrupt this thrilling conversation, but what was the point of that drill again? ‘Improve my posture’ or some junk?”
John: “I just wanted to beat your ass.”
Mr. Jennings: “No, no, that wasn’t either. That posture thing was just a load of bull I decided to tell you just so you would agree to do it. I didn’t want to tell you the harsh truth. Luke your match this weekend is a tag team match, and tag teams like doing moves like that to you. Now, this is the first tag team match you’ve ever been in so you wouldn’t know that, but it happens.”
I’m not really mad at Mr. Jennings. I mean, his theory really does make sense. The problem I’m having is that he seems very quick to lie to me and not tell me the whole story.
I hadn’t yet confront him about him possibly being my dad, I mean right now I was on a roll in the wrestling ring and didn’t want to screw up any of my mojo. Even though I lost, thought I put on a good showing.
Well, it was more than that. If Mr. Jennings actually is my father, why ruin the moment? Why ruin the time we’re sharing right now and blow any possible future we could have. It’s not really worth it, so I’ll just ride the lighting and see where things go.
Luke: “That makes sense.”
Mr. Jennings pats me on the back and smiles like a proud father would to a son and I feel happy for the first time in a long while.
John: “So daises…yes…panties wet…sounds like a plan. Do you know a florist?”
Fade out.
We fade back and see a red phone with a red light blinking. It starts ringing and the camera quickly pans to Dr. Insano who turns his head while doing…scientist stuff.
Dr. Insano: “Oh no! It’s the mayor!”
Dr. Insano jumps off his chair and towards the phone and picks it up.
Dr. Insano: “Yes mayor? What? Timmy is stuck in a well AGAIN? But you want us to cut a promo first? In the name of SCIENCE! we’ll be right there!”
Dr. Insano hangs up the phone and dramatically turns his head towards the right.
Dr. Insano: “Holy Ravioli Destructor! That was the mayor; he told us we needed to cut a promo quick!”
The camera pans to Destructor! who has stands up from his chair dramatically. He puts his hands on his hips and slowly cocks his head up and towards the left.
Destructor!: “Quick! To the Lab of SCIENCE and Destruction!”
The camera spins and the theme song to Destructor! begins to play…
”Destructor!....”Destructor!”…”Destructor!...Destructor!...Destructor!...dadadadadadadadadadadadada….DESTRUCTOR!”
Cartoon images of Dr. Insano and Destructor! are on screen punching the bad guys and picking up chicks before finally revealing the Destructor! logo, which just happens to be a large exclamation point with the letter ‘D’ in front of us. In small letters in the bottom right hand corner it reads “Please don’t sue us Batman!”
Meanwhile in the Mayor’s Office…
We see the “Mayor” (Mr. Jennings in a suit) sitting at his desk twiddling his fingers. A few moments pass and he looks around, when all of a sudden Destructor! and Dr. Insano breaks through the glass window! Both men roll on the floor and get up to their feet, wiping the glass off of them.
Mayor: “You two sure as hell know how to make an entrance!
Destructor!: “You called us Mayor?”
Mayor: “Yes, you see you…you…um…”
The mayor looks around confused. Destructor! and Dr. Insano slowly gets out of character and point to the piece of paper on the Mayor’s desk, obviously his script.
Mayor: “Oh yes! Sorry I lost my train of thought. You! Destructor! You have a match! At! Wired!”
Dr. Insano: “Why are you screaming dude?”
Mayor: “I’m! Not! Screaming! I’m…ACTING!”
Destructor! and Dr. Insano shakes their heads, but continues with the scene.
Destructor!: “Hmm…I see Mayor. I have a match, huh? What kind of match? Does it involve The Jokester Freakke or The Catwoman Mike Honcho?”
Mayor: “No! It is! A..tag team! Match!”
Destructor!: “Ha! Two opponents dare cross the path of the world’s greatest professional wrestler Destructor!? Who are these dastardly fools who will try and step into the ring with me?”
Mayor: “It is! Nathan! Doe! And! Ron! Gibson!”
Destructor! and Dr. Insano begins to laugh, you know, that old haw haw that’s a funny thing to say type of laugh.
Destructor!: “Those two step into the ring with Destructor! Ron Gibson, you know I’ve heard about him before. He used to be a full on racist! That’s right, he did not appreciate white people. He would walk around, screaming nasty things to white people, hating on everything they did and you know what? That is wrong. No reason to discriminate, we’re just humans! I mean, that is like that one time I had to stop the evil doings of the Riddler Shawn Styles, and you know what I did? I beat him in the ring! Ha ha! So I hope Ron Gibson is prepared for our match this Sunday; he might be a seasoned vet and he might have now turned a new leaf on life, and hell he was a great tag team champion so he’s good in tag team matches, but you know what? That means nothing! An old dog will never learn new tricks and when he gets into the ring with me, this young dog will have to put the old dog out to pastor!”
Dr. Insano: “You tell him dawg!”
Destructor!: “Ron Gibson is a big man. And by big I mean fat. And by man I mean somebody who just happens to have the right genitalia. He acts like no man, discriminating against people, and those dastardly tactics will take a beating from my hands, the hands of the new upstart superstar, the person the fans voted to be the next newcomer to win a championship…Destructor! Ron, I know you’re a changed man; except for hating certain people you’ll hate me…for kicking your ass! Ron Gibson and Nathan Doe I hope you guys workout hard, because I will be bringing the POW! the ZAP! the ZOINK! and more importantly I will be bringing the PAIN! At Wired Destructor! will continue his legacy and will soon become what his father intended him to be, the greatest wrestler of all time!”
Dr. Insano and Destructor! high five.
Dr. Insano: “But Destructor! you also have another opponent! His name, Nathan Doe!”
Destructor!: “I heard young whippersnapper; Nathan Doe, I will admit I don’t know much about him. I do know though, that his name is Doe, and that’s a quote from the Simpsons. That’s what you are Nathan, you’re a mistake, something that a big bumbling idiot would say when he messed up; hell that’s what your father said after he had sex with your mom! ‘D’oh! Gonna be stuck with those hoe for eighteen years!’ that’s all you are Nathan, you’re a mistake to the wrestling industry. Me? I’m a different case, I am the son of my father, the greatest wrestler of his generation. He’s done things that you could never think about and he’s passed it on to me, he gave me the skills to be the best wrestler in the world! And that is fact!”
Dr. Insano: “Destructor! will take his opponents and mush them like mashed potatoes, he’ll beat them so bad that they’ll have to update their resumes and find a new profession because Destructor! will..
DESTRUCT THEM!”
The two high five once more, but the Mayor seems perplexed and confused.
Destructor!: “What is it Mayor?”
Mayor: “Well this is a tag team match. You have a partner.”
Destructor!: “Ah yes I heard. I heard that my partner was somebody who once wrestled in the same company as my father. Tell me Mayor, is it Mongo the Destroyer?”
Mayor: “Um, no.”
Destructor!: “Hmm, then it must be Scorpion! Yes they were great friends, he would love to help out his friend’s son!”
Mayor: “No, he went crazy years ago.”
Destructor!: “Is it Hanz? He was the first champion you know!”
Mayor: “Not Hanz, no.”
Destructor!: “Odin?”
Mayor: “Nope.”
Destructor!: “Eddie Guerrero? Taking one for the team maybe?”
Mayor: “He’s dead.”
Destructor!: “Rat Bastard?”
Mayor: “….”
Destructor!: “Let me see that paper.”
Destructor! snatches the paper out of the Mayor’s hand and begins to read it. His eyes widen and all the air is knocked out of him.
Destructor!: “Joe Everyman!? FUC-“
Fade out.
Catch you guys same Destructor! place, same Destructor! time!