Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Aug 12, 2010 22:32:15 GMT -6
*We open on DDK. Sitting in the locker room.*
DDK: What a lazy day.
*He sits back. Takes a deep breath.*
DDK: This is what I'm talking abo--
*Suddenly, the door bursts open! Obsidian runs in.*
Obsidian: DDKyouwon'tbeleieveitwegotthebestthingeverrightoutside!
DDK: What?
*GQ casually walks in.*
GQ: Oh, it's all good now DDK. We got just the thing for you. You want to beat Burns, we got you.
Obsidian: Canhecomeinnow!?!?!?
GQ: Calm down.
DDK: I'm already going to beat Burns, so anything you have is moot.
GQ: You want me to get the tape, I'll get the tape.
DDK: What the hell are you talking about?
*GQ walks over to the closet, pulls out a tape, walks over to the TV, pops it in. He hits play. On the screen shows DDK's last promo. GQ fast forwards until this point:*
DDK: I could do some wild adventure with my goons and/or Joe Everyman, but no. Well, maybe next time. For now, I thi--
*GQ hits stop and looks back at DDK.*
DDK: So...
GQ: We're here for the adventure.
Obsidian: Andwegotthisguy!
*In walks an old guy in sweatpants and a light jacket.*
: I'm going to make you eat lightnin' and crap thunda'!
DDK: Um...I thought this guy died?
Obsidian: Not in this universe!
: I trained a hell of a champ before, now I'm gonna train ya! You'll beat that Apollo yet sonny!
DDK: I'm fighting Philip Burns.
: No time for Semites! Let's roll!
*He runs out.*
GQ: He...meant semantics...right?
Obsidian: This is so cool!
DDK: I hate you guys.
: Last one out is a big nosed money pincha, come on!
*The scene cuts to DDK standing in a field.*
DDK: What are we doing here?
GQ: Training, like we told you.
DDK: On a farm?
Obsidian: This is how they trained in the old days!
GQ: Just do what the coach says.
: Yeah, listen to the princess here. Do what you're told.
GQ: I'M NOT GAY!
: Just 'cause you says it don't makes it true ya nancy. Now Rock, what ya gotta do here is...catch the chicken!
*The coach opens a bag and lets out a live chicken, it starts running around.*
DDK: Seriously?
: Do it!
DDK: I liked you better as the Penguin.
: Adam West was a dick. Now do it!
*DDK lets out a big sigh and then starts running after the chicken, but only half-assed.*
: Don't make me come out theres!
Obsidian: This is so cool!
: Go out and join him. HEY MEAT SACK! NOW YOUS GOTS COMPETITION!
*Obsidian runs out and feverishly runs after the chicken. Seeing this, DDK's competitive nature comes out and he too starts actually trying. DDK almost nabs the chicken when Obsidian hits him from the side and trips him up while he runs at the chicken. DDK gets up with anger in his eyes. He charges at Obsidian, but Obsidian sees him and leaps up. DDK dives under Obsidian and delivers the BANG! to the chicken! Feathers fly everywhere and a load "CUCKAW!" is heard.*
: That's what I'm talkin' about champ!
Obsidian: I think you killed it...
DDK: Is that it?
GQ: Not at all.
*DDK shakes his head*
*We cut to a butchers warehouse with slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling.*
Obsidian: Oh, classic!
DDK: Really?
*DDK hits a few slabs.*
DDK: All right, done.
: Not so fast flabby!
*The coach grabs the meat and swings it into DDK's face. He staggers back.*
: Do it right!
*DDK looks angry and tries to punch the old man, but he ducks and DDK punches the slab.*
: That's more like it tree stump!
*DDK keeps punching. Obsidian follows suit with another slab. GQ slaps one near him. Everyone is getting into it. But GQ a little too much. He starts slapping the rump roast part of the beef. Everyone stops and looks over at GQ as he's just going to town on the beef. He slowly stops as he realizes everyone is looking.*
GQ: I...uh...
Obsidian: Its okay, we know you like slapping meat.
GQ: I'M N--
: Save it white Urkel. Let's move to the next one. But first, chunky boy, do that shoulder thingy to a slab. Good shot to go out on.
*DDK charges at a slab and delivers the BANG! Knocking it to the floor. The noise causes somebody to open the room and look in.*
Butcher: Hey! Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my warehouse!
: Next exercise, the sprint!
*The coach runs off.*
Obsidian: We didn't mean to.
GQ: Shut up and run!
*Everyone else sprints out as well.*
*We then cut to DDK sitting at a table. Obsidian sits next to him.*
: All right big boy, now we're going to do one you'll enjoy. We'll test your tolerance. With a good old hot dog eating contest!
DDK: That makes no sense! But I'm hungry.
*GQ brings in the hot dogs. There's a bun with a dog missing.*
Obsidian: One wiener is missing.
GQ: Oh...must be an extra bun...yeah...
*GQ quickly grabs the bun and runs off.*
: Now start!
*The coach shoots a gun in the air. Both men start going to town on the hot dogs. DDK eats one, two, three, then starts double fisting. Obsidian is trying to keep up but starts choking. DDK gets through his seventh dog when a guy comes running in wearing a polo shirt and a moose-filled haircut. The back of his shirt says "PeTA."*
PeTA Rep: That is enough! This cruelty to animals and showing that it's "okay" to eat animals stops now!
: What are you talking about pansy?
Obsidian: Weeffuss haffiv fuh!
DDK: Yeah, get off our backs!
PeTA Rep: No, this stops now! Animals have rights too you know!
DDK: What about vegetables!?
PeTA Rep: What?
DDK: Just because they can't scream, that means it's okay to eat them!? Huh!?
PeTA Rep: They're not conscious. They don't have brains.
DDK: Says you! **** you and your righteous bull****! I'll eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it! You shut up and stay off my back!
PeTA Rep: What about the chicken killing?
DDK: Well, he was kind of a prick.
: Yeah, that chicken was a con artist!
PeTA Rep: What? You're not making any sense.
*DDK flips the table angrily.*
DDK: You want some sense! Here's some sense!
*DDK delivers the BANG! to the PeTA guy!*
: That's what I'm talking about boy! Time for the final training session!
DDK: There's more?
*The scene cuts to DDK sitting in a chair in a gym.*
DDK: You know, I don't know what's going on now. I don't see how this helps me. I'm the world champion...unofficially. I hold the world title on my person. I have a big sack. I'm the imitator of offense! I will beat Phil. There's no doubt. How is eating hot dogs going to help?
*The camera pulls back to see DDK is talking to a cardboard cutout of Rocky Balboa.*
DDK: See...you get me. Us world champs know each other.*
*GQ walks up.*
GQ: Okay, you ready. We're going to send you to that ring right now to fight your arch-nemesis.
DDK: I'd hardly call Phil my arch-nemesis. He's all right, just wrong place, wrong time sort of deal.
GQ: No not him.
DDK: You mean Ron then, because I already whooped his ass?
GQ: No it's...
: It's me fat boy!
: Get in the ring Rocky!
DDK: Oh this should be good.
*DDK climbs into the ring and Betty takes off her robe to reveal a singlet. All the guys almost vomit.*
: Come on bitch!
: Now get 'er!
Obsidian: YOU CAN DO IT!
DDK: Step back. I will destroy her!
*DDK charges at Betty, she jumps over his BANG! He turns and she delivers a punch to DDK. Then another. DDK staggers back into the ropes.*
: Get out there DDK!
DDK: Aaah just need summin' to drink.
*The coach hands him a Brisk iced tea. He drinks it, then perks up. He turns around and charges toward Betty again. She jumps up, but he stops and grabs her, delivering a powerslam! Betty gets up holding her back and DDK charges and hits the BANG!*
DDK: Sorry Betty...but it had to be.
: Don't apologize...pussy bitch.
*DDK picks her up and then BANG!s her again!*
: That's the spirit! You did it!
*The coach runs in and DDK hits him with the BANG!*
: ...why...
DDK: Because you're stupid! I don't need this! I can beat Burns. I have talent. I'm already the champ! Catching chickens, punching beef, eating, hurting Betty, all it did was prove how bad ass I am! You think that...that...wait. I get it now! I get it! You are a genious old man! Old man?
: ...
Obsidian: I think you killed him.
DDK: I didn't mean to kill him and Betty.
*They look over, Betty is gone.*
DDK: Crap. Well maybe just him then. But I get it now. I have the tools, the knowledge, the power.
Obsidian: What an adventure, right?
DDK: Right.
GQ: We should probably call the ambulance.
DDK: Sure, after we wipe our prints off him.
*GQ pulls out a moist towelette and starts wiping.*
DDK: When you need to get your prints off of someone, then you know it's an adventure!
*DDK, GQ, and Obsidian start laughing. DDK and Obsidian high five. As soon as their hands touch, the scene freeze frames as lame 80's electro-music starts playing. Credits start to roll. When they're done, the scene fades.*
DDK: What a lazy day.
*He sits back. Takes a deep breath.*
DDK: This is what I'm talking abo--
*Suddenly, the door bursts open! Obsidian runs in.*
Obsidian: DDKyouwon'tbeleieveitwegotthebestthingeverrightoutside!
DDK: What?
*GQ casually walks in.*
GQ: Oh, it's all good now DDK. We got just the thing for you. You want to beat Burns, we got you.
Obsidian: Canhecomeinnow!?!?!?
GQ: Calm down.
DDK: I'm already going to beat Burns, so anything you have is moot.
GQ: You want me to get the tape, I'll get the tape.
DDK: What the hell are you talking about?
*GQ walks over to the closet, pulls out a tape, walks over to the TV, pops it in. He hits play. On the screen shows DDK's last promo. GQ fast forwards until this point:*
DDK: I could do some wild adventure with my goons and/or Joe Everyman, but no. Well, maybe next time. For now, I thi--
*GQ hits stop and looks back at DDK.*
DDK: So...
GQ: We're here for the adventure.
Obsidian: Andwegotthisguy!
*In walks an old guy in sweatpants and a light jacket.*
: I'm going to make you eat lightnin' and crap thunda'!
DDK: Um...I thought this guy died?
Obsidian: Not in this universe!
: I trained a hell of a champ before, now I'm gonna train ya! You'll beat that Apollo yet sonny!
DDK: I'm fighting Philip Burns.
: No time for Semites! Let's roll!
*He runs out.*
GQ: He...meant semantics...right?
Obsidian: This is so cool!
DDK: I hate you guys.
: Last one out is a big nosed money pincha, come on!
*The scene cuts to DDK standing in a field.*
DDK: What are we doing here?
GQ: Training, like we told you.
DDK: On a farm?
Obsidian: This is how they trained in the old days!
GQ: Just do what the coach says.
: Yeah, listen to the princess here. Do what you're told.
GQ: I'M NOT GAY!
: Just 'cause you says it don't makes it true ya nancy. Now Rock, what ya gotta do here is...catch the chicken!
*The coach opens a bag and lets out a live chicken, it starts running around.*
DDK: Seriously?
: Do it!
DDK: I liked you better as the Penguin.
: Adam West was a dick. Now do it!
*DDK lets out a big sigh and then starts running after the chicken, but only half-assed.*
: Don't make me come out theres!
Obsidian: This is so cool!
: Go out and join him. HEY MEAT SACK! NOW YOUS GOTS COMPETITION!
*Obsidian runs out and feverishly runs after the chicken. Seeing this, DDK's competitive nature comes out and he too starts actually trying. DDK almost nabs the chicken when Obsidian hits him from the side and trips him up while he runs at the chicken. DDK gets up with anger in his eyes. He charges at Obsidian, but Obsidian sees him and leaps up. DDK dives under Obsidian and delivers the BANG! to the chicken! Feathers fly everywhere and a load "CUCKAW!" is heard.*
: That's what I'm talkin' about champ!
Obsidian: I think you killed it...
DDK: Is that it?
GQ: Not at all.
*DDK shakes his head*
*We cut to a butchers warehouse with slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling.*
Obsidian: Oh, classic!
DDK: Really?
*DDK hits a few slabs.*
DDK: All right, done.
: Not so fast flabby!
*The coach grabs the meat and swings it into DDK's face. He staggers back.*
: Do it right!
*DDK looks angry and tries to punch the old man, but he ducks and DDK punches the slab.*
: That's more like it tree stump!
*DDK keeps punching. Obsidian follows suit with another slab. GQ slaps one near him. Everyone is getting into it. But GQ a little too much. He starts slapping the rump roast part of the beef. Everyone stops and looks over at GQ as he's just going to town on the beef. He slowly stops as he realizes everyone is looking.*
GQ: I...uh...
Obsidian: Its okay, we know you like slapping meat.
GQ: I'M N--
: Save it white Urkel. Let's move to the next one. But first, chunky boy, do that shoulder thingy to a slab. Good shot to go out on.
*DDK charges at a slab and delivers the BANG! Knocking it to the floor. The noise causes somebody to open the room and look in.*
Butcher: Hey! Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my warehouse!
: Next exercise, the sprint!
*The coach runs off.*
Obsidian: We didn't mean to.
GQ: Shut up and run!
*Everyone else sprints out as well.*
*We then cut to DDK sitting at a table. Obsidian sits next to him.*
: All right big boy, now we're going to do one you'll enjoy. We'll test your tolerance. With a good old hot dog eating contest!
DDK: That makes no sense! But I'm hungry.
*GQ brings in the hot dogs. There's a bun with a dog missing.*
Obsidian: One wiener is missing.
GQ: Oh...must be an extra bun...yeah...
*GQ quickly grabs the bun and runs off.*
: Now start!
*The coach shoots a gun in the air. Both men start going to town on the hot dogs. DDK eats one, two, three, then starts double fisting. Obsidian is trying to keep up but starts choking. DDK gets through his seventh dog when a guy comes running in wearing a polo shirt and a moose-filled haircut. The back of his shirt says "PeTA."*
PeTA Rep: That is enough! This cruelty to animals and showing that it's "okay" to eat animals stops now!
: What are you talking about pansy?
Obsidian: Weeffuss haffiv fuh!
DDK: Yeah, get off our backs!
PeTA Rep: No, this stops now! Animals have rights too you know!
DDK: What about vegetables!?
PeTA Rep: What?
DDK: Just because they can't scream, that means it's okay to eat them!? Huh!?
PeTA Rep: They're not conscious. They don't have brains.
DDK: Says you! **** you and your righteous bull****! I'll eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it! You shut up and stay off my back!
PeTA Rep: What about the chicken killing?
DDK: Well, he was kind of a prick.
: Yeah, that chicken was a con artist!
PeTA Rep: What? You're not making any sense.
*DDK flips the table angrily.*
DDK: You want some sense! Here's some sense!
*DDK delivers the BANG! to the PeTA guy!*
: That's what I'm talking about boy! Time for the final training session!
DDK: There's more?
*The scene cuts to DDK sitting in a chair in a gym.*
DDK: You know, I don't know what's going on now. I don't see how this helps me. I'm the world champion...unofficially. I hold the world title on my person. I have a big sack. I'm the imitator of offense! I will beat Phil. There's no doubt. How is eating hot dogs going to help?
*The camera pulls back to see DDK is talking to a cardboard cutout of Rocky Balboa.*
DDK: See...you get me. Us world champs know each other.*
*GQ walks up.*
GQ: Okay, you ready. We're going to send you to that ring right now to fight your arch-nemesis.
DDK: I'd hardly call Phil my arch-nemesis. He's all right, just wrong place, wrong time sort of deal.
GQ: No not him.
DDK: You mean Ron then, because I already whooped his ass?
GQ: No it's...
: It's me fat boy!
: Get in the ring Rocky!
DDK: Oh this should be good.
*DDK climbs into the ring and Betty takes off her robe to reveal a singlet. All the guys almost vomit.*
: Come on bitch!
: Now get 'er!
Obsidian: YOU CAN DO IT!
DDK: Step back. I will destroy her!
*DDK charges at Betty, she jumps over his BANG! He turns and she delivers a punch to DDK. Then another. DDK staggers back into the ropes.*
: Get out there DDK!
DDK: Aaah just need summin' to drink.
*The coach hands him a Brisk iced tea. He drinks it, then perks up. He turns around and charges toward Betty again. She jumps up, but he stops and grabs her, delivering a powerslam! Betty gets up holding her back and DDK charges and hits the BANG!*
DDK: Sorry Betty...but it had to be.
: Don't apologize...pussy bitch.
*DDK picks her up and then BANG!s her again!*
: That's the spirit! You did it!
*The coach runs in and DDK hits him with the BANG!*
: ...why...
DDK: Because you're stupid! I don't need this! I can beat Burns. I have talent. I'm already the champ! Catching chickens, punching beef, eating, hurting Betty, all it did was prove how bad ass I am! You think that...that...wait. I get it now! I get it! You are a genious old man! Old man?
: ...
Obsidian: I think you killed him.
DDK: I didn't mean to kill him and Betty.
*They look over, Betty is gone.*
DDK: Crap. Well maybe just him then. But I get it now. I have the tools, the knowledge, the power.
Obsidian: What an adventure, right?
DDK: Right.
GQ: We should probably call the ambulance.
DDK: Sure, after we wipe our prints off him.
*GQ pulls out a moist towelette and starts wiping.*
DDK: When you need to get your prints off of someone, then you know it's an adventure!
*DDK, GQ, and Obsidian start laughing. DDK and Obsidian high five. As soon as their hands touch, the scene freeze frames as lame 80's electro-music starts playing. Credits start to roll. When they're done, the scene fades.*