Post by Rob Diamond on Sept 14, 2010 19:37:26 GMT -6
{ Rob's all walking down a hall way. }
Rob: Oh, your sorry? Well in that case, should we kiss and make up now? And no funny business this time, the last time I kissed and made up with a dude I was wrestling I ended up aborting one of Steve Awesome's poo babies... And trust me, as a Republican, that wasn't an easy choice to make.
{ Rob sheds a tear for his ill fated poo baby. }
Chad: I think he was trying to insult you.
Rob: The hell?
{ Rob jumps at the sight of the gremlin... err, Chad Lights standing next to him. }
Rob: Is that what he was doing? What do they call it again?
Chad: Sarcasm.
Rob: Yeah, that's the stuff, he sucks pretty hard at it.
Chad: He was probably shooting for scary sarcasm.
Rob: Lame.
Chad: Well, anyway, cya.
{ Chad starts to walk away but Rob jumps in front of him. }
Rob: Ahem...
Chad: What?
Rob: AHEM!
Chad: What?
{ Rob smacks a hoe. }
Chad: WHAT!?
Rob: DUDE! Your like totally not going to interview me? I mean, your here, I'm here, I've got a bottle of Sexy Jason's patented "Diet Jail Bait Date Rape" right here and nothing else to do.
{ He holds up the can of liquid which we can only assume came from the same invisible duffel bag from his earlier promo. }
Chad: Can't Dunn interview you, the guy hasn't had a gig in months?
{ Rob looks at Dunn then smacks Chad again. }
Rob: NO! Either it's you and me or it's no one at all.
Chad: Is... Is it because he's black?
{ Rob looks around then leans in close to Chad. }
Rob: It's not just that...
Chad: I see. Well... I don't really have anything to ask you.
Rob: Seriously?
Chad: Seriously.
Rob: Some guy in a mask has been trying to kill me, abducted the grown black child of nCw's resident grandma and totally face raped the mustache man last week and you have nothing to ask me about any of this?
Chad: Not really.
Rob: BULL****! See, this is exactly what I'm talking about, nCw sets me up then they knock me down. What the hell do I have to do to get a good interviewer up in this piece, offer free menthol's to the first mother trucker I see.
Jason Dunn: I'LL DO IT!
Rob: NO!
{ Dunn sulks back to his corner. }
Rob: Whatever man, probably suck at interviewing anyways.
Chad: Excuse me?
Rob: You heard me, you probably suck at it anyways.
Chad: That sounds like a challenge.
Rob: Ya damn right.
{ Chad cracks his neck and with the use of movie magic the hall way suddenly turns into a goddam sound stage, complete with desk, couch and a cup of coffee for guest and host. Chad shuffles his papers then looks right at Rob, all serious and stuff. }
Chad: FIRST QUESTION! Are you scared?
Rob: No.
Chad: WHY NOT?
Rob: Because I stopped being afraid of Wes Craven's awful movies after Nightmare on Elm Street 4... *shudders*
Chad: There's allot of speculation on who Maniac is, is it Chris Diamond?
Rob: No clue, maybe?
Chad: If it is, how will this effect your relationship?
Rob: Not sure, how does death effect your relationships?
Chad: Not good.
Rob: And why is that?
Chad: I don't know, I mean, when you connect with someone on an emotional level then they just up and leave you, it leaves a hole. You know?
Rob: And how do you fill this hole?
Chad: Bon Bons and porn.
Rob: Wow, that's sadder than I could of ever imagined. Sounds allot like my buddy Mark...
{ Chad and Rob glare at the camera... AND AT YOU MARK! }
Rob: Well this has been a good interview, thanks for taking the time to answer my questions.
Chad: It was my... hey wait a second...
Rob: For nCw, I'm Rob Diamond, he's insecure and in need of a personal trainer and a girlfriend and this has been me not giving two craps about some douche bag in a mask who still thinks it's the 80's and slasher moves are all the rave, but little does he know it's all about ghost movies now, I mean, have you seen the "Last Exorcism" **** WAS SCARY!!!!!!
{ Rob takes a breathe. }
Rob: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.... Suck it.
{ Fade beeznitches. }
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, that's all you goddam do, you know that? Pity really, you'd think with all that talking you'd actually say something I care about... But guess what? YOU DIDN'T!!! Congratulations buddy, you managed to waste ten minutes of my time and say absolutely nothing of any importance. AND FOR YOUR NEXT TRICK! YOUR GOING TO BORE ME TO LITERAL TEARS!!! YIPPEE!!!
No but seriously Maniac, people have been threatening to kill me for like two years now and do you know how many people have actually come through on the threat? Don't worry, I'll give you some time to work out the numbers... Don't forget to carry the zero... And multiple by five... And the answer is.... NO ONE!!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!! Guess you'll be the first, right?
WRONG!
Despite what you like to believe, this is a wrestling match, being held inside of an arena that's being rented by a wrestling company and murder just isn't allowed.
Guess that makes me sorry?
Either way, your not going to do anything but try to beat me in a match I wanted, that I asked for, and do you know whats going to happen lard ass? Your. Going. To. Lose. And after I'm done slicing and dicing you like the goddam Ginsu knife, I'm going to rip off that Slipknot mask and find out exactly who you really are.
Side note, if you really are Chris, it's not going to make a difference, I'm still going to cripple your ass out there.
But lets get back to the mayhem and the murder and all that, meaningless threats give me a stiffy and I've got a hot date with... YOUR MOM!!!!
Unless your Chris... This ain't Arkansas after all...
See Maniac, you caught me at a bad time, granted, I did basically resurrect you from the dead and beg you to come to nCw, but at the end of the day everything I do is for show and is not meant to be taken literally. I just want to have a good time, you know? Laugh, get laid and make money. That's what I'm about. And when my world came crashing down I had a little awakening. I realized that I couldn't just shun and ridicule everyone I came across because it really hurt the people I care about.
Enter "Depressed Rob."
Now, depressed Rob lost allot of matches, despite his many efforts to reform. But when I saw you out there, the raw power running through your veins as you just annihilated Mike Honcho, it occurred to me...
I don't have to be nice to everyone, that's friggin stupid. All I've got to do is be nice to people I like, and you? I don't like you. Your big, dumb, annoying and ridiculous. And this Sunday at Battlegrounds I'm not only going to totally embarrass you for the giant sack of crap you are, I'm going to end your already pointless career. I mean, you've been here what, a month and you've won how many matches? Come on man, I'm Rob Diamond, try as you might, this brick house is not coming down.
Sunday is the beginning of a new era for me Maniac, an era of total domination. And it starts with me sending you back to where you belong...
The unemployment line.
Rob: Oh, your sorry? Well in that case, should we kiss and make up now? And no funny business this time, the last time I kissed and made up with a dude I was wrestling I ended up aborting one of Steve Awesome's poo babies... And trust me, as a Republican, that wasn't an easy choice to make.
{ Rob sheds a tear for his ill fated poo baby. }
Chad: I think he was trying to insult you.
Rob: The hell?
{ Rob jumps at the sight of the gremlin... err, Chad Lights standing next to him. }
Rob: Is that what he was doing? What do they call it again?
Chad: Sarcasm.
Rob: Yeah, that's the stuff, he sucks pretty hard at it.
Chad: He was probably shooting for scary sarcasm.
Rob: Lame.
Chad: Well, anyway, cya.
{ Chad starts to walk away but Rob jumps in front of him. }
Rob: Ahem...
Chad: What?
Rob: AHEM!
Chad: What?
{ Rob smacks a hoe. }
Chad: WHAT!?
Rob: DUDE! Your like totally not going to interview me? I mean, your here, I'm here, I've got a bottle of Sexy Jason's patented "Diet Jail Bait Date Rape" right here and nothing else to do.
{ He holds up the can of liquid which we can only assume came from the same invisible duffel bag from his earlier promo. }
Chad: Can't Dunn interview you, the guy hasn't had a gig in months?
{ Rob looks at Dunn then smacks Chad again. }
Rob: NO! Either it's you and me or it's no one at all.
Chad: Is... Is it because he's black?
{ Rob looks around then leans in close to Chad. }
Rob: It's not just that...
Chad: I see. Well... I don't really have anything to ask you.
Rob: Seriously?
Chad: Seriously.
Rob: Some guy in a mask has been trying to kill me, abducted the grown black child of nCw's resident grandma and totally face raped the mustache man last week and you have nothing to ask me about any of this?
Chad: Not really.
Rob: BULL****! See, this is exactly what I'm talking about, nCw sets me up then they knock me down. What the hell do I have to do to get a good interviewer up in this piece, offer free menthol's to the first mother trucker I see.
Jason Dunn: I'LL DO IT!
Rob: NO!
{ Dunn sulks back to his corner. }
Rob: Whatever man, probably suck at interviewing anyways.
Chad: Excuse me?
Rob: You heard me, you probably suck at it anyways.
Chad: That sounds like a challenge.
Rob: Ya damn right.
{ Chad cracks his neck and with the use of movie magic the hall way suddenly turns into a goddam sound stage, complete with desk, couch and a cup of coffee for guest and host. Chad shuffles his papers then looks right at Rob, all serious and stuff. }
Chad: FIRST QUESTION! Are you scared?
Rob: No.
Chad: WHY NOT?
Rob: Because I stopped being afraid of Wes Craven's awful movies after Nightmare on Elm Street 4... *shudders*
Chad: There's allot of speculation on who Maniac is, is it Chris Diamond?
Rob: No clue, maybe?
Chad: If it is, how will this effect your relationship?
Rob: Not sure, how does death effect your relationships?
Chad: Not good.
Rob: And why is that?
Chad: I don't know, I mean, when you connect with someone on an emotional level then they just up and leave you, it leaves a hole. You know?
Rob: And how do you fill this hole?
Chad: Bon Bons and porn.
Rob: Wow, that's sadder than I could of ever imagined. Sounds allot like my buddy Mark...
{ Chad and Rob glare at the camera... AND AT YOU MARK! }
Rob: Well this has been a good interview, thanks for taking the time to answer my questions.
Chad: It was my... hey wait a second...
Rob: For nCw, I'm Rob Diamond, he's insecure and in need of a personal trainer and a girlfriend and this has been me not giving two craps about some douche bag in a mask who still thinks it's the 80's and slasher moves are all the rave, but little does he know it's all about ghost movies now, I mean, have you seen the "Last Exorcism" **** WAS SCARY!!!!!!
{ Rob takes a breathe. }
Rob: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.... Suck it.
{ Fade beeznitches. }
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, that's all you goddam do, you know that? Pity really, you'd think with all that talking you'd actually say something I care about... But guess what? YOU DIDN'T!!! Congratulations buddy, you managed to waste ten minutes of my time and say absolutely nothing of any importance. AND FOR YOUR NEXT TRICK! YOUR GOING TO BORE ME TO LITERAL TEARS!!! YIPPEE!!!
No but seriously Maniac, people have been threatening to kill me for like two years now and do you know how many people have actually come through on the threat? Don't worry, I'll give you some time to work out the numbers... Don't forget to carry the zero... And multiple by five... And the answer is.... NO ONE!!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!! Guess you'll be the first, right?
WRONG!
Despite what you like to believe, this is a wrestling match, being held inside of an arena that's being rented by a wrestling company and murder just isn't allowed.
Guess that makes me sorry?
Either way, your not going to do anything but try to beat me in a match I wanted, that I asked for, and do you know whats going to happen lard ass? Your. Going. To. Lose. And after I'm done slicing and dicing you like the goddam Ginsu knife, I'm going to rip off that Slipknot mask and find out exactly who you really are.
Side note, if you really are Chris, it's not going to make a difference, I'm still going to cripple your ass out there.
But lets get back to the mayhem and the murder and all that, meaningless threats give me a stiffy and I've got a hot date with... YOUR MOM!!!!
Unless your Chris... This ain't Arkansas after all...
See Maniac, you caught me at a bad time, granted, I did basically resurrect you from the dead and beg you to come to nCw, but at the end of the day everything I do is for show and is not meant to be taken literally. I just want to have a good time, you know? Laugh, get laid and make money. That's what I'm about. And when my world came crashing down I had a little awakening. I realized that I couldn't just shun and ridicule everyone I came across because it really hurt the people I care about.
Enter "Depressed Rob."
Now, depressed Rob lost allot of matches, despite his many efforts to reform. But when I saw you out there, the raw power running through your veins as you just annihilated Mike Honcho, it occurred to me...
I don't have to be nice to everyone, that's friggin stupid. All I've got to do is be nice to people I like, and you? I don't like you. Your big, dumb, annoying and ridiculous. And this Sunday at Battlegrounds I'm not only going to totally embarrass you for the giant sack of crap you are, I'm going to end your already pointless career. I mean, you've been here what, a month and you've won how many matches? Come on man, I'm Rob Diamond, try as you might, this brick house is not coming down.
Sunday is the beginning of a new era for me Maniac, an era of total domination. And it starts with me sending you back to where you belong...
The unemployment line.