Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Sept 17, 2010 21:35:52 GMT -6
*We open in on Chad Lights sitting in a sofa chair. And empty sofa chair sits next to him.*
Chad: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked to be here to interview...Diamond Dallas Kanyon.
DDK: READ THE PROMPTER RIGHT!
Chad: But it's not true yet.
DDK: JUST DO IT!
Chad: Fine. According to the prompter, I have been asked to be here to interview "the next world champion of NCW, the greatest wrestler of all time, and one--do I have to say this part?
DDK: YES!
Chad: *sigh*...and one sexy sexy dude...here he is, Diamond Dallas Kanyon.
DDK: Once more with feeling damnit!
Chad: HERE HE IS LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, DIAMOND DALLAS KAAAAANYOOOOON!
*An audience applause track plays. DDK walks in wearing a "Three Wolf Moon" shirt.*
Chad: Interesting apparel.
DDK: It's good luck. Trust me.
Chad: Okay, well, I bet you're here to talk about Philip Burns.
DDK: You'd be right!
Chad: Well, what are your thoughts on your opponent in two days?
DDK: It's simple Chad. Phil is a jerk. He's hated more than Balloon Boy. And just as hard to find. He's been off TV the past two weeks, what kind of champion is that? He was supposed to have a "brand new episode" of his show. That was definitely a FAIL! Him as champion in general, a FAIL! I mean, come on. The NCW world title has always been a big deal...until now. I'm doing my best. I'm the people's champion after all. I go out there and give the audience my best. I go out to the fans. I stirred up some fun when I should have been world champion two months ago. But ever since I beat myself at Ascension, Burns has taken the ball...and dropped it. Just watch this clip, it proves it.
*DDK points toward the camera. Chad looks. The feed cuts to a replay from Ascension. The bloody Philip Burns looks down from his seated position as DDK remains lifeless on the floor below, GQ and Obsidian checking on him with a look of panic on their faces. Burns clambers to his feet and climbs the third and final cage to grab the belt and retain the nCw Championship.
Eric Hardy: He's done it Willy! He's done it!
Willy Carter: I can't believe it.. Philip Burns finally gets to hold his title belt!
*The scene suddenly cuts to a cat wearing a blue shirt playing the keyboard.*
DDK: Oh, that cat cracks me up. Play him off little dude!
Chad: That's ridiculous.
DDK: No Chad, what's ridiculous is that once again, I'm not in the main event at Battle Grounds when I should be! Last year, I was in the Warfare match, and it was put on second, even though being the PPV match, to the world title match. This year, I'm in the world title match, and I'm put on second to the Warfare match! Now I'm not knocking the match, big stuff is going on there, and I'm happy for my boy Joe Everyman, and Ron whom I may hate yet still respect. But see, that's the thing Chad, all eight of those men are amazing athletes and entertainers. If I was fighting any one of them for the NCW title, that match would be going on last. But since I'm fighting Philip Blands, I'm regulated to "double main event but I go on first." Because as much of an athlete as Phil may be, no one cares about him. In fact, if anything, he makes people depressed and they would be changing the channel in droves if it wasn't for me fighting him, since I bring in all the ratings. In fact, that reminds me of the time I was hanging out with my buddy, Keanu.
Chad: I'm afraid to ask, but...how so?
DDK: Well, lets take a look!
*DDK points off in the distance again. The camera cuts to this image:*
*Back to the studio.*
Chad: Okay...well...how does this help you win exactly?
DDK: How? Look at me, I'm amazing! Like a double rainbow, I'm a gift from God! I make it chocolate rain! I will destroy Phil in an honor's rules match. I WIN, HE FAIL! You see, Phil thinks I can't wrestle, so maybe that's why he's sitting back and laying low. Well that's fine. But I am a wrestler. It's my job to wrestle. That's how I get to have some peanut butter jelly time!
*Obsidian runs in and hits a stereo, playing the song "Peanut Butter Jelly Time!" He starts dancing just like the banana. DDK gets up and dances as well. Chad looks around. He gets up and starts dancing as well.*
Obsidian: Whoooo yeah! Keep it rocking! Next up is "Badger Badger Badger!"
*Obsidian turns and bends down to the stereo. He's about to fast forward to the next song.*
GQ: Hey buddy, you're nachos are here!
*Obsidian hit's stop instead and turns around dramatically. He's then frozen in that instant, pondering humanity and the ways of the world, looking as hapless as a prairie dog. He then runs off.*
Chad: I can't believe I did that, but that song, it's just so catchy!
DDK: I know.
Chad: Where were we?
DDK: Talking about Phil. You see, all his title are belong to me.
Chad: What?
DDK: I mean, I'm taking that belt back. I will out-wrestle Phil, and I'll do it by his rules. And then Ruston can't stop me from being world champion. I will take that belt and I will wear it with honor and rub it in Ruston's face how damn great I am. Because a lot of guys have been running around lately talking about that "xtreme" federation and all their people showing up being "washed up and wanting jobs where they don't belong." I think the top brass believes that BS and they pooled me into that group and don't want me to rise to the top. Well I was xtreme, and I'm proud of my xtreme roots, but I've been in NCW for awhile now. I'm NCW all the way. I just want you to know NCW, I'm never going to give you up, I'm never going to let you down, I'm never going to run around and desert you, never going to make you cry, never going to say goodbye, never going to tell a lie and hurt you!
Chad: ...did you just...Rickroll NCW?
DDK: What the hell is a rickroll?
Chad: You suck. I'm going to go om nom nom. Ah crap, you got me doing it!
*Chad gets up and walks off.*
DDK: O RLY? You're going to leave! Well fine then! I'll just crank that soulja boi!
*DDK hits the stereo, playing the song, he gets up and starts danging again. After a few seconds, the lights dim down and DDK grabs a mike. He walks closer to the camera.*
DDK: And now it's time for my final thought. America, I've been all over TV all week, letting you know how badly I will beat Philip Montgomery Burns. As you know, I do most of my talking in the ring. If I could, I'd just come out, say, "I'm going to kick your ass." And that would be it. End of story. But I'm an entertainer, I'm committed to the cause. That's why I'm the people's champion. That's why I will be your world champion. I've had three weeks now where opponents won't come out and talk to me. And I ended up destroying them. I'm a fighting champion, even if I fight by myself, even if I don't have a title to defend. That's me. Sure I'm nuts. Might even say bat **** crazy. Maybe there's a correlation, I don't know. But what I do know, is that I'm ready to fight. So I'm done talking. I'm fully ready for Phil to come out and bomb me with a response, should he so choose. But I don't care, because I will come out and smash him into the mat. And when that match is over, I will hold that title up high, and Eric Hardy will tell the world, "boom goes the dynamite."
*DDK winks at the camera. The scene fades out.*
Chad: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked to be here to interview...Diamond Dallas Kanyon.
DDK: READ THE PROMPTER RIGHT!
Chad: But it's not true yet.
DDK: JUST DO IT!
Chad: Fine. According to the prompter, I have been asked to be here to interview "the next world champion of NCW, the greatest wrestler of all time, and one--do I have to say this part?
DDK: YES!
Chad: *sigh*...and one sexy sexy dude...here he is, Diamond Dallas Kanyon.
DDK: Once more with feeling damnit!
Chad: HERE HE IS LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, DIAMOND DALLAS KAAAAANYOOOOON!
*An audience applause track plays. DDK walks in wearing a "Three Wolf Moon" shirt.*
Chad: Interesting apparel.
DDK: It's good luck. Trust me.
Chad: Okay, well, I bet you're here to talk about Philip Burns.
DDK: You'd be right!
Chad: Well, what are your thoughts on your opponent in two days?
DDK: It's simple Chad. Phil is a jerk. He's hated more than Balloon Boy. And just as hard to find. He's been off TV the past two weeks, what kind of champion is that? He was supposed to have a "brand new episode" of his show. That was definitely a FAIL! Him as champion in general, a FAIL! I mean, come on. The NCW world title has always been a big deal...until now. I'm doing my best. I'm the people's champion after all. I go out there and give the audience my best. I go out to the fans. I stirred up some fun when I should have been world champion two months ago. But ever since I beat myself at Ascension, Burns has taken the ball...and dropped it. Just watch this clip, it proves it.
*DDK points toward the camera. Chad looks. The feed cuts to a replay from Ascension. The bloody Philip Burns looks down from his seated position as DDK remains lifeless on the floor below, GQ and Obsidian checking on him with a look of panic on their faces. Burns clambers to his feet and climbs the third and final cage to grab the belt and retain the nCw Championship.
Eric Hardy: He's done it Willy! He's done it!
Willy Carter: I can't believe it.. Philip Burns finally gets to hold his title belt!
*The scene suddenly cuts to a cat wearing a blue shirt playing the keyboard.*
DDK: Oh, that cat cracks me up. Play him off little dude!
Chad: That's ridiculous.
DDK: No Chad, what's ridiculous is that once again, I'm not in the main event at Battle Grounds when I should be! Last year, I was in the Warfare match, and it was put on second, even though being the PPV match, to the world title match. This year, I'm in the world title match, and I'm put on second to the Warfare match! Now I'm not knocking the match, big stuff is going on there, and I'm happy for my boy Joe Everyman, and Ron whom I may hate yet still respect. But see, that's the thing Chad, all eight of those men are amazing athletes and entertainers. If I was fighting any one of them for the NCW title, that match would be going on last. But since I'm fighting Philip Blands, I'm regulated to "double main event but I go on first." Because as much of an athlete as Phil may be, no one cares about him. In fact, if anything, he makes people depressed and they would be changing the channel in droves if it wasn't for me fighting him, since I bring in all the ratings. In fact, that reminds me of the time I was hanging out with my buddy, Keanu.
Chad: I'm afraid to ask, but...how so?
DDK: Well, lets take a look!
*DDK points off in the distance again. The camera cuts to this image:*
*Back to the studio.*
Chad: Okay...well...how does this help you win exactly?
DDK: How? Look at me, I'm amazing! Like a double rainbow, I'm a gift from God! I make it chocolate rain! I will destroy Phil in an honor's rules match. I WIN, HE FAIL! You see, Phil thinks I can't wrestle, so maybe that's why he's sitting back and laying low. Well that's fine. But I am a wrestler. It's my job to wrestle. That's how I get to have some peanut butter jelly time!
*Obsidian runs in and hits a stereo, playing the song "Peanut Butter Jelly Time!" He starts dancing just like the banana. DDK gets up and dances as well. Chad looks around. He gets up and starts dancing as well.*
Obsidian: Whoooo yeah! Keep it rocking! Next up is "Badger Badger Badger!"
*Obsidian turns and bends down to the stereo. He's about to fast forward to the next song.*
GQ: Hey buddy, you're nachos are here!
*Obsidian hit's stop instead and turns around dramatically. He's then frozen in that instant, pondering humanity and the ways of the world, looking as hapless as a prairie dog. He then runs off.*
Chad: I can't believe I did that, but that song, it's just so catchy!
DDK: I know.
Chad: Where were we?
DDK: Talking about Phil. You see, all his title are belong to me.
Chad: What?
DDK: I mean, I'm taking that belt back. I will out-wrestle Phil, and I'll do it by his rules. And then Ruston can't stop me from being world champion. I will take that belt and I will wear it with honor and rub it in Ruston's face how damn great I am. Because a lot of guys have been running around lately talking about that "xtreme" federation and all their people showing up being "washed up and wanting jobs where they don't belong." I think the top brass believes that BS and they pooled me into that group and don't want me to rise to the top. Well I was xtreme, and I'm proud of my xtreme roots, but I've been in NCW for awhile now. I'm NCW all the way. I just want you to know NCW, I'm never going to give you up, I'm never going to let you down, I'm never going to run around and desert you, never going to make you cry, never going to say goodbye, never going to tell a lie and hurt you!
Chad: ...did you just...Rickroll NCW?
DDK: What the hell is a rickroll?
Chad: You suck. I'm going to go om nom nom. Ah crap, you got me doing it!
*Chad gets up and walks off.*
DDK: O RLY? You're going to leave! Well fine then! I'll just crank that soulja boi!
*DDK hits the stereo, playing the song, he gets up and starts danging again. After a few seconds, the lights dim down and DDK grabs a mike. He walks closer to the camera.*
DDK: And now it's time for my final thought. America, I've been all over TV all week, letting you know how badly I will beat Philip Montgomery Burns. As you know, I do most of my talking in the ring. If I could, I'd just come out, say, "I'm going to kick your ass." And that would be it. End of story. But I'm an entertainer, I'm committed to the cause. That's why I'm the people's champion. That's why I will be your world champion. I've had three weeks now where opponents won't come out and talk to me. And I ended up destroying them. I'm a fighting champion, even if I fight by myself, even if I don't have a title to defend. That's me. Sure I'm nuts. Might even say bat **** crazy. Maybe there's a correlation, I don't know. But what I do know, is that I'm ready to fight. So I'm done talking. I'm fully ready for Phil to come out and bomb me with a response, should he so choose. But I don't care, because I will come out and smash him into the mat. And when that match is over, I will hold that title up high, and Eric Hardy will tell the world, "boom goes the dynamite."
*DDK winks at the camera. The scene fades out.*