Post by Zelda Knite on Oct 22, 2010 18:53:42 GMT -6
I can’t sleep, all I can think about is what I did and wonder why I did it. I keep telling myself I did it because I was concerned about Kyle, and I was. However, I’ve been concerned about him in the past, like when he faced Adam for that right to fight Sephiroth, but I didn’t run down to the ring and do that. I’ve seen him beat to a bloddy mess before and I didn’t intervene, so why did I then? Was it because I know how Andrew feels about me? Is it because I figured Andrew would do something drastic to pick up that victory over Kyle? Maybe it was just because I wanted to see Andrew win? I’m so confused about everything, and then I kissed him, I’ve kissed him before... after he told me he was in love with me in that drunken voicemail, after we go have our friend dates, but this felt different... like I was so worried about him and Kyle fighting I just couldn’t help but try and let him know how I felt. I was feeling worried about Kyle and I was worried about Andrew and all those emotions just came out, if it would of been Kyle standing there I would of taken him and kissed him the same way. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, because I had a blast with Andrew today... I really feel comfortable with him. Did I really just come to Vegas early because I wanted to see him? I think so, yes. I mean it helps that I’m currently shying away from Kyle because I feel like I stabbed him in the heart, but I still wanted to spend time with my friend.
This is such a big mess and it’s all my fault. I never thought I’d end up in the same position Kelly was in, after all the crap I gave her at the time, about how I said the choice was easy. I love Kyle and I love Andrew, he’s my best friend, but is that the only way I care about him? Why won’t my head leave me alone so I can get some sleep, it’s like three am and I’m so tired but I just can’t stop thinking about everything.
-Flash, Flash-
I catch the shine of my phone out of the corner of my eye, it’s been on silent since me and Andrew went out and ate... who in the world could be calling me at this time of night? I might as well see who it is I guess... oh would you look at that, he hasn’t called me all day and he waits til the middle of the night...
"Look.. Zelda.. Sorry for the lateness, but I didn't want to say this to you while you were awake. I don't know.. what you want from me.. I've tried.. to be the best man I could for you. Tried to give you what you wanted, let you have freedom to live and be who you wanted to be, and all it's done is blown up in my face. But I don't know how much more I can take of this.. I think.. it's time to make a decision, Zelda. Him or me.. I want you here with me, but not if I'm going to keep going through this. When you've made up your mind... I'll be here.. waiting for you.. I love you... No matter what..."
-Ring, Ring, Ring-
“I love you too... what are you talking about!?”
“Did I wake you up?”
“No I couldn’t sleep, now answer my question!”
“Get some sleep, don’t worry about it tonight.”
“No! I’ll talk about it now... you have no right to give me an ultra-tatum.”
“I think you mean ultimatum.”
“Don’t start with me... whatever it is, you are not going to give me one.”
“I’m sorry Z, but I have to know...”
“That’s bull Kyle, you already know the answer, I've already chose you once! There's no way I should have to prove my love for you, I’ve given you everything! You took my... you were my first. You saw how people ridiculed me for that. You’re not allowed to threaten me!”
“I’m not threatening, I just want us to be happy and seeing how you act with him and pretending to be ok with it, just isn’t working anymore.”
I can’t help but start crying, somebody I love telling me that I’m breaking their heart, telling me that it’s either him or me. What am I supposed to say? I’m not giving up being friends with Andrew, but I don’t want to lose Kyle at the same time. I can barely squeak out an answer to him, I feel like I’m being ripped in half, and the worst part is I know I did it to myself, but I won’t be bullied into a decision.
“This isn’t fair! After what I’ve given you, you can’t do this to me. You can’t make me choose, if I don’t want to or if I’m not ready to, and who says there is even a choice to be made, me and Andrew are just friends!”
“I’m sorry Zelda, I really am.... get some sleep and think about it. Good night.”
“NO! You cannot hang up on me!”
-click-
I’m bawling now, I just can barely breathe I’m crying so hard. This isn’t fair, this isn’t fair! He has no right to do this to me, no right! He’s the passive jerk who wouldn’t make any moves without me making them first! After taking my virginity it took him a month... a month to say he wanted to have a relationship with me! How is that supposed to make me feel?! I felt like a one night fling and he did nothing to ease that pain as he kept fighting for Serenity against Rob. He wouldn’t even do that until after me and Andrew had our first date and he acts like me and Drewpy getting close is some recent event!? We probably wouldn’t even be together if me going on a date and liking somebody else wouldn’t of opened his eyes! He cant’ do this to me! Oh my God this is too much.... I’m only 19, I shouldn’t have to deal with this! If he’s going to break up with me, for having a friend... FINE. I don’t care!
But of course, I do. It’s eating me alive... forget it for now... forget sleep, forget caring, forget everything and just..I don’t know. I guess it’s time to go back to the one thing that’s gotten me through most of my life until now. My one escape from the world around me, what I went to when I used to be beat up by Adam’s dad, what I went to when guys used to make fun of me for being a geek... the only comforting thing I have right now....
-bleep!-
*360 turns on*
... video games.
You know... I wasn’t expecting to see him on, I figured he was asleep a long time ago, yet there it was staring back at me, Andrew’s Live name as my only friend logged in. I can’t believe it, what is he doing up so late? I guess since we’re both up apparently I might as well see what he’s up to, it’s amazing how just seeing his name made me forget why I have tears rolling down my face right now, and like that... he messages me first.
“What are you doing up?”
“I can’t sleep. What about you?”
“I got woken up by your opponent and now, neither can I.”
“What did Shrek want?”
“-laughs- Hey now, she’s still my friend, please don’t call her things like that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Also, what do you think it was about? You of course.”
“I just got a call from Kyle too honestly.”
“Let me guess, was it about me? Weird coincidence huh?”
“It was the “me or him” call.”
“Well, I guess it’s been nice knowing you, its been fun.”
“No Andrew. I’m not doing it. If he wants to break up with me then that’s his choice, but I’m not choosing.”
Then just like that, I completely remember what it was I was crying about, the intense hurting I felt like was about to rip through my chest and burst out, all the pain and thoughts rushing through my brain. I tried to hide it, tried to mask the emotion in my voice and not let him hear me sob, but I guess I did a terrible job of it.
“Are you ok?”
“No.”
“Well... I’m... having trouble sleeping too... if you wanna talk... only a few floors away.”
“Are you.. inviting me to your room?”
“If you want...”
“I don’t know it’s three... Just think what people would say about me... going into a man's room in the middle of the night, I don't know if I want to go through that again.”
“Who cares what some idiots are going to think? I’ll punch anybody who says negative word about you in the face.”
“-small laughter- Ok Andrew... you win... thank you.”
Am I really doing this? Am I really going done there? I guess I am, but... what if somebody finds out... what if Kyle.. you know what, I don’t care. Screw it. Everybody is already talking crap about me, already telling me how I’m a slut, how I’m only using them for my own good. So what is it going to hurt spending some time with my best friend, I’m not going to have sex with him and I’m not going to do anything inappropriate so what does it matter. I already have Kyle threatening to break up with me, I already have Emma calling me a tramp and saying all kinds of other things about me that are totally untrue and that makes me not care. I need somebody right now, I need somebody to take my mind off of all this, just somebody to be there for me, and I’m going to take advantage of the offer. You want to trash me for it... fine, do whatever you want, just don’t expect me to care, I’m done worrying about what I think is right in other people’s eyes, I’m going to do what makes me happy, because I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be me.
The door swings open, he’s standing there and he looks just as nervous as I’m sure I do, he looks tired and like he wants nothing more than to sleep, just like I do. Seeing his little smile though, it makes me feel better and I just can’t help but smile back, and I know I’m blushing... I can feel it. I try to think I’m grown up, that I’m some mature woman, but right now I feel like a giggling teenage girl... so I guess being with him brings me back down to reality and I enjoy that, I don’t feel like I have to grown up for him. Why am I just standing here not saying anything, and why is he doing the same? Deep breath Zelda... deep breath, you still have to breathe.
“So... wanna come in?”
Finally somebody says something... of course I want to come in Andrew, I need you right now, I need a friend who is just as confused as I am, who knows exactly what I’m going through... or that’s what I wanted to say. Instead I just nod my head and smile nervously. So here I am, three thirty at night, dressed in my Super Mario pajamas, going to “talk” with my male friend. You don’t like it? Deal with it, I’m Zelda Knite, I’ll do what I want, I’ll do what makes me happy, I... I want to be happy, so that’s what I’ll do. Whatever it takes.
So Emma, do you really think I care what you think about me? Keep whining about me, keep trying to tell everybody around how horrible of a person I am. See if I care. See if I ever give a crap what some stupid troll has to say about me. For almost eleven months, I’ve been a backbone of this company, I’ve drove sales to record highs, I’ve garnered more fans and sold more merchandise than any wrestler on the roster and you think I care what you say about me? Let me put it like this, I said it once but it deserves saying again... since our very first match you’ve been telling people how spoiled I am, how selfish I am and just how I’m a terrible person overall and right now you’re thumping your hairy chest in triumph trying to say you were right all along? No. You were wrong then, and you’re wrong now. There is nothing wrong with me being confident, there is nothing wrong with me telling the truth and just being real with people. You wanna know what is wrong? Being a jerk to a 19 year old girl for no reason other than she’s a better wrestler than you. You tried being a bully, but I fought back, and really we both know that’s the root of your hatred for me, you can’t stand the fact that I am fully capable of standing up for myself, that I’m fully capable of talking the talk and walking the walk... you can’t stand that I’m just so good and you’re not.
So what are you going to do when you lose again? You going to blame the alcohol? That’s what you did last time right? I mean that’s why you entered rehab right? Because you thought it hindered you in some way against me? After telling me for so long that you didn’t care what anybody, especially myself, thought about you... you entered rehab after I defeated you. A little bit on the liar side aren’t you? You want to say I’m a terrible person, that I’m a despicable human being because I care about another person? What about you? huh? I didn’t have to enter rehab for an addiction. I didn’t have to reinvent myself to try and gain an upper edge on a little girl who has been a thorn in my side. What makes you better than me? Nothing. What makes me better than you? I’m a better wrestler... a fact that can’t be argued. I’m better looking, another fact that can’t be argued, unless people just love adam’s apples on their women, and I have way more personality than you do, people flock to my bubbly spunkyness, why they run away from your knuckle dragging cavemanlyness, probably because they don't like to be hit on the head with clubs and dragged away, you should probably quit doing that.
Now onto what I really care about, which isn’t the match, since I’m pretty confident I have that in the bag, but something that really matters... you stop talking to Anderw about me.. got it? You stop trying to fill his head with your stupid garbage. I know you have a thing for him, or did, whatever, I don’t care. That gives you no right to bad mouth me to him. I dont’ care that you two are friends and I don’t care that he chides me every time I make fun of you, but you better shut that gapped tooth mouth of yours and stop trying to spread your bull crap lies to him. I am not using him, me and him went out on a date before I was Falcon’s girlfriend... you know that right? Of course you do, since you apparently follow everything Andrew does like a hawk. I have no reason to “play him” I have no reason to “use him”, he’s my best friend... he’s a sweet guy to me, who cares about my feelings... so I like spending time with him and I like just having him near me. That’s not using somebody that’s genuinely caring about another person. Then again you’re a heartless jerk of a Sasquatch, so I guess I can understand how you wouldn’t understand that concept.
Anyway, I’m tired of doing this with you Emma. I’m sick of dealing with you and I’m tired of this back and forth that we just keep going through every so many weeks. It’s oh so tiring, and just not fun anymore, so when I beat you again, I’m through. I’m done playing around with you, I’m done going through the same levels over and over again, beating the same end boss over and over again... You're stale, you're played out, you're unentertaining and it's time I put an end to all of this. Sunday Emma, it’s Game Over... and I always have the high score.
This is such a big mess and it’s all my fault. I never thought I’d end up in the same position Kelly was in, after all the crap I gave her at the time, about how I said the choice was easy. I love Kyle and I love Andrew, he’s my best friend, but is that the only way I care about him? Why won’t my head leave me alone so I can get some sleep, it’s like three am and I’m so tired but I just can’t stop thinking about everything.
-Flash, Flash-
I catch the shine of my phone out of the corner of my eye, it’s been on silent since me and Andrew went out and ate... who in the world could be calling me at this time of night? I might as well see who it is I guess... oh would you look at that, he hasn’t called me all day and he waits til the middle of the night...
"Look.. Zelda.. Sorry for the lateness, but I didn't want to say this to you while you were awake. I don't know.. what you want from me.. I've tried.. to be the best man I could for you. Tried to give you what you wanted, let you have freedom to live and be who you wanted to be, and all it's done is blown up in my face. But I don't know how much more I can take of this.. I think.. it's time to make a decision, Zelda. Him or me.. I want you here with me, but not if I'm going to keep going through this. When you've made up your mind... I'll be here.. waiting for you.. I love you... No matter what..."
-Ring, Ring, Ring-
“I love you too... what are you talking about!?”
“Did I wake you up?”
“No I couldn’t sleep, now answer my question!”
“Get some sleep, don’t worry about it tonight.”
“No! I’ll talk about it now... you have no right to give me an ultra-tatum.”
“I think you mean ultimatum.”
“Don’t start with me... whatever it is, you are not going to give me one.”
“I’m sorry Z, but I have to know...”
“That’s bull Kyle, you already know the answer, I've already chose you once! There's no way I should have to prove my love for you, I’ve given you everything! You took my... you were my first. You saw how people ridiculed me for that. You’re not allowed to threaten me!”
“I’m not threatening, I just want us to be happy and seeing how you act with him and pretending to be ok with it, just isn’t working anymore.”
I can’t help but start crying, somebody I love telling me that I’m breaking their heart, telling me that it’s either him or me. What am I supposed to say? I’m not giving up being friends with Andrew, but I don’t want to lose Kyle at the same time. I can barely squeak out an answer to him, I feel like I’m being ripped in half, and the worst part is I know I did it to myself, but I won’t be bullied into a decision.
“This isn’t fair! After what I’ve given you, you can’t do this to me. You can’t make me choose, if I don’t want to or if I’m not ready to, and who says there is even a choice to be made, me and Andrew are just friends!”
“I’m sorry Zelda, I really am.... get some sleep and think about it. Good night.”
“NO! You cannot hang up on me!”
-click-
I’m bawling now, I just can barely breathe I’m crying so hard. This isn’t fair, this isn’t fair! He has no right to do this to me, no right! He’s the passive jerk who wouldn’t make any moves without me making them first! After taking my virginity it took him a month... a month to say he wanted to have a relationship with me! How is that supposed to make me feel?! I felt like a one night fling and he did nothing to ease that pain as he kept fighting for Serenity against Rob. He wouldn’t even do that until after me and Andrew had our first date and he acts like me and Drewpy getting close is some recent event!? We probably wouldn’t even be together if me going on a date and liking somebody else wouldn’t of opened his eyes! He cant’ do this to me! Oh my God this is too much.... I’m only 19, I shouldn’t have to deal with this! If he’s going to break up with me, for having a friend... FINE. I don’t care!
But of course, I do. It’s eating me alive... forget it for now... forget sleep, forget caring, forget everything and just..I don’t know. I guess it’s time to go back to the one thing that’s gotten me through most of my life until now. My one escape from the world around me, what I went to when I used to be beat up by Adam’s dad, what I went to when guys used to make fun of me for being a geek... the only comforting thing I have right now....
-bleep!-
*360 turns on*
... video games.
You know... I wasn’t expecting to see him on, I figured he was asleep a long time ago, yet there it was staring back at me, Andrew’s Live name as my only friend logged in. I can’t believe it, what is he doing up so late? I guess since we’re both up apparently I might as well see what he’s up to, it’s amazing how just seeing his name made me forget why I have tears rolling down my face right now, and like that... he messages me first.
“What are you doing up?”
“I can’t sleep. What about you?”
“I got woken up by your opponent and now, neither can I.”
“What did Shrek want?”
“-laughs- Hey now, she’s still my friend, please don’t call her things like that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Also, what do you think it was about? You of course.”
“I just got a call from Kyle too honestly.”
“Let me guess, was it about me? Weird coincidence huh?”
“It was the “me or him” call.”
“Well, I guess it’s been nice knowing you, its been fun.”
“No Andrew. I’m not doing it. If he wants to break up with me then that’s his choice, but I’m not choosing.”
Then just like that, I completely remember what it was I was crying about, the intense hurting I felt like was about to rip through my chest and burst out, all the pain and thoughts rushing through my brain. I tried to hide it, tried to mask the emotion in my voice and not let him hear me sob, but I guess I did a terrible job of it.
“Are you ok?”
“No.”
“Well... I’m... having trouble sleeping too... if you wanna talk... only a few floors away.”
“Are you.. inviting me to your room?”
“If you want...”
“I don’t know it’s three... Just think what people would say about me... going into a man's room in the middle of the night, I don't know if I want to go through that again.”
“Who cares what some idiots are going to think? I’ll punch anybody who says negative word about you in the face.”
“-small laughter- Ok Andrew... you win... thank you.”
Am I really doing this? Am I really going done there? I guess I am, but... what if somebody finds out... what if Kyle.. you know what, I don’t care. Screw it. Everybody is already talking crap about me, already telling me how I’m a slut, how I’m only using them for my own good. So what is it going to hurt spending some time with my best friend, I’m not going to have sex with him and I’m not going to do anything inappropriate so what does it matter. I already have Kyle threatening to break up with me, I already have Emma calling me a tramp and saying all kinds of other things about me that are totally untrue and that makes me not care. I need somebody right now, I need somebody to take my mind off of all this, just somebody to be there for me, and I’m going to take advantage of the offer. You want to trash me for it... fine, do whatever you want, just don’t expect me to care, I’m done worrying about what I think is right in other people’s eyes, I’m going to do what makes me happy, because I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be me.
The door swings open, he’s standing there and he looks just as nervous as I’m sure I do, he looks tired and like he wants nothing more than to sleep, just like I do. Seeing his little smile though, it makes me feel better and I just can’t help but smile back, and I know I’m blushing... I can feel it. I try to think I’m grown up, that I’m some mature woman, but right now I feel like a giggling teenage girl... so I guess being with him brings me back down to reality and I enjoy that, I don’t feel like I have to grown up for him. Why am I just standing here not saying anything, and why is he doing the same? Deep breath Zelda... deep breath, you still have to breathe.
“So... wanna come in?”
Finally somebody says something... of course I want to come in Andrew, I need you right now, I need a friend who is just as confused as I am, who knows exactly what I’m going through... or that’s what I wanted to say. Instead I just nod my head and smile nervously. So here I am, three thirty at night, dressed in my Super Mario pajamas, going to “talk” with my male friend. You don’t like it? Deal with it, I’m Zelda Knite, I’ll do what I want, I’ll do what makes me happy, I... I want to be happy, so that’s what I’ll do. Whatever it takes.
So Emma, do you really think I care what you think about me? Keep whining about me, keep trying to tell everybody around how horrible of a person I am. See if I care. See if I ever give a crap what some stupid troll has to say about me. For almost eleven months, I’ve been a backbone of this company, I’ve drove sales to record highs, I’ve garnered more fans and sold more merchandise than any wrestler on the roster and you think I care what you say about me? Let me put it like this, I said it once but it deserves saying again... since our very first match you’ve been telling people how spoiled I am, how selfish I am and just how I’m a terrible person overall and right now you’re thumping your hairy chest in triumph trying to say you were right all along? No. You were wrong then, and you’re wrong now. There is nothing wrong with me being confident, there is nothing wrong with me telling the truth and just being real with people. You wanna know what is wrong? Being a jerk to a 19 year old girl for no reason other than she’s a better wrestler than you. You tried being a bully, but I fought back, and really we both know that’s the root of your hatred for me, you can’t stand the fact that I am fully capable of standing up for myself, that I’m fully capable of talking the talk and walking the walk... you can’t stand that I’m just so good and you’re not.
So what are you going to do when you lose again? You going to blame the alcohol? That’s what you did last time right? I mean that’s why you entered rehab right? Because you thought it hindered you in some way against me? After telling me for so long that you didn’t care what anybody, especially myself, thought about you... you entered rehab after I defeated you. A little bit on the liar side aren’t you? You want to say I’m a terrible person, that I’m a despicable human being because I care about another person? What about you? huh? I didn’t have to enter rehab for an addiction. I didn’t have to reinvent myself to try and gain an upper edge on a little girl who has been a thorn in my side. What makes you better than me? Nothing. What makes me better than you? I’m a better wrestler... a fact that can’t be argued. I’m better looking, another fact that can’t be argued, unless people just love adam’s apples on their women, and I have way more personality than you do, people flock to my bubbly spunkyness, why they run away from your knuckle dragging cavemanlyness, probably because they don't like to be hit on the head with clubs and dragged away, you should probably quit doing that.
Now onto what I really care about, which isn’t the match, since I’m pretty confident I have that in the bag, but something that really matters... you stop talking to Anderw about me.. got it? You stop trying to fill his head with your stupid garbage. I know you have a thing for him, or did, whatever, I don’t care. That gives you no right to bad mouth me to him. I dont’ care that you two are friends and I don’t care that he chides me every time I make fun of you, but you better shut that gapped tooth mouth of yours and stop trying to spread your bull crap lies to him. I am not using him, me and him went out on a date before I was Falcon’s girlfriend... you know that right? Of course you do, since you apparently follow everything Andrew does like a hawk. I have no reason to “play him” I have no reason to “use him”, he’s my best friend... he’s a sweet guy to me, who cares about my feelings... so I like spending time with him and I like just having him near me. That’s not using somebody that’s genuinely caring about another person. Then again you’re a heartless jerk of a Sasquatch, so I guess I can understand how you wouldn’t understand that concept.
Anyway, I’m tired of doing this with you Emma. I’m sick of dealing with you and I’m tired of this back and forth that we just keep going through every so many weeks. It’s oh so tiring, and just not fun anymore, so when I beat you again, I’m through. I’m done playing around with you, I’m done going through the same levels over and over again, beating the same end boss over and over again... You're stale, you're played out, you're unentertaining and it's time I put an end to all of this. Sunday Emma, it’s Game Over... and I always have the high score.