Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Oct 23, 2010 6:15:57 GMT -6
*We open on DDK sitting, pondering reality, wondering who will buy his raspberries.*
Have I gone crazy? Was I not the one that helped with the coma? I mean, Ron and I were in the same faction at the least. But Matt Hicks can't do ****, I know, I remember. But we did scare them off didn't we? Probably? Maybe? No, I know Dirty Deal ran them out of XHF. It was totally us. I'm pretty sure it was after Holland had gotten through me in that other tournament he was talking about. He ended up winning that tournament too, and he flubbed it. That has to be itching at the back of his mind, remembering he came so far just to fail. Everyone believed in him so much that he believed his own hype, and failed. But that couldn't possibly happen again, could it? Surely, this time he'll be even more focused. Well, the important thing is, we've clashed, we're evolved, we clash again. I don't plan on making the same mistakes of yesteryear, and neither does he. So I just have to hit him harder. Yes...yes, that makes sense. Right? So really, am I the crazy one?
Oh wait, I'm DDK! Of course I'm crazy bitch!
*DDK closes his eyes and leans back. The camera flashes to a pure white, almost burning to the eyes with how quick it changes.*
*We slowly fade in from white to see DDK still with the world title around his waist. He stands atop a hill, with a flag firmly planted in the dirt. The flag reads "DDK." He stands tall and looks out over whatever is behind the camera.*
DDK: This is my hill. The tallest hill of them all. Dave Holland, you want to be here. You want to be me. But you ain't here yet buddy! Your symbolism as great and simple as it may be, it's just going to end up just like little Ricky's empty display case and Evan's shiny path. A dream you can't attain. Why, oh why can't you attain it Dave? Because I am in your way. I hold the brass ring Dave, and I will pull it back every time you reach for it on Sunday. It was my destiny to take this title off of Philip Burns, and I did. It's yet also my destiny to be the greatest champion NCW has ever seen. To be a great champion, I have to beat great challengers, and you my friend, are turning into a hell of a challenger! I mean, you ravaged the tournament. You have no problem telling everyone so, and you shouldn't. You survived two Closures. Amazing! You want this more than anything! You want this so bad you can taste it! You want it sooooo bad that everyone around you is already telling you you have it! I know the feeling. You see, however, when I cashed in my sack and pinned Phil, I literal had it. The office, especially Ruston Bourne, decided to hold me down. I nearly killed myself to not let this belt go, and it ended up making me let it go. But what did I do? I took out my major competition for a spot, Lance Ryan, you know the one, first guy to kick out of your Magic Touch, yeah, I put him in a coma. Then I got my re-rematch, a pure wrestling match with the best pure wrestler in NCW, and I beat Phil so badly that he's stuck in the hospital next to Lance. In his own match mind you, proving I am now the best pure wrestler in NCW. I know I'm the best all around ass kicker, I know I'm the best entertainer, I know I stand atop the rankings, I know for a full fledged fact that I am better than you. That doesn't mean I'm indestructible by any means, but it does mean that no matter how hard you train, no matter how many push ups you do before you go to bed, you will be fighting an uphill battle.
*DDK pauses and winks at the camera.*
DDK: Get it? Cause I'm...on the hill? Yeah? Heh. But you see Dave, I'm the best, and certain people love me for it. That's why I'm the people's champ! But just because I'm the best, that doesn't mean I won't do my worst! Because after all my alter ego was a member of Dirty Deal. I'm pretty ****ing dirty. I mean, I put Lance Ryan in a coma.
*DDK dives and rolls down the hill, he tumbles to the bottom, landing in a mud pit. He gets to his feet, dirt all over. Someone throws him a towel and he immediately wipes the world title off so it shines again, but then throws the towel away, leaving himself dirty.*
DDK: These past few weeks, we've gotten to see into the life of Dave Holland. We've gotten to see the people he hangs with, and the things he does behind the scenes. A lot of "awwww" moments. That's great and all, but Dave, I'm here to wrestle. I don't parade my wife and two kids around on TV to get the sympathy vote. I don't show them my washed up trainer giving me some advice. I'm just here to make some damn good ratings by dealing out some damn good damage. And what I plan to do Su--Oh, you know, before I forget, where the **** did you find the helicopter rental? Because that **** was cool! Anyway, on Sunday, I plan to beat you black and blue. It's my usual plan for all my matches. Pretty simple, but considering I'm the world champ and leader of the power rankings, I would have to say it works well. But another thing I did for you, was what happened on Collision. That BANG! was a preview of things to come. I will BANG! you Sunday. And if you kick out or grab the ropes, I will BANG! you again! I will BANG! you again and again and again if I have to. You will be more worn out than a cheap whore! Not as cheap as your bro's tramp girlfriend, that I wouldn't want to wish on anyone. But I'm talking nearly bottom of the barrel.
*DDK turns his head and we cut to another camera looking him in the face.*
DDK: Oh schnaps! Did DDK just go there? I think he did!
*DDK turns back to the original camera.*
DDK: That's right! Doubled up! Because the champ can do that sort of thing. Perks are great. Too bad you can't enjoy it Dave, because I'm dashing and dangerous! I'm sexier than any Jason, and ten times as brutal! Also one-hundred percent less steroid ridden. You however, could probably use a few more muscles, I see why you're doing so many push ups there. Body envy, I understand, happens all the time when people face me. But you're just so confident in the face of such a better adversary, I'm really proud of you Dave. But if I'm to get low, I can't be feeling that way. I thought, if I'm going to be dirty, I need Obsidian to go out and dig up some dirt. Get me something to work with. Obsidian, what have you got?
*Obsidian runs into camera.*
Obsidian: I think he's a gay fish.
DDK: What?
Obsidian: He's totally a gay fish. Check it out:
DDK: Why does that make him a gay fish? Disturbing as it may be.
Obsidian: That's obviously a male fish. But I was thinking, maybe he's not because I think he was in porn.
DDK: Okay, that's a very terrible costume, looks like bad acting, maybe it's porn. Pay to be straight?
Obsidian: I was thinking that too, because then I found out he had a tattoo...down there. Not on his hoo-hoo dilly, but close.
DDK: And that he'd pose for that, kinda gay.
Obsidian: Right. But then he also dresses up as super heroes.
DDK: Further proof he's gay.
Obsidian: No no no! Super heroes are awesome! This makes him totally not gay.
DDK: Okay.
Obsidian: Then I found this thinking that he's definitely not gay. He's seen here learning how to shoot things.
DDK: That's a big gun, he might be compensating for something.
Obsidian: Right, totally, but that's something straight dudes do. Gay guys don't care, because if they have a small willy, they just become the catcher. At least I think that's how it works. I wish GQ were here to tell us.
*Cut to GQ at the supermarket.*
GQ: I AM NOT GAY!
*Cut back.*
DDK: Did you hear something?
Obsidian: Nope.
DDK: Go on.
Obsidian: So I was pretty sure he's a straight guy with a small penis when I found this.
DDK: Wow, that's incredibly nerdy. And weird. But I don't see the proof.
Obsidian: Look closely. See that mustache. Totally a gay mustache. Definitely not Machado quality.
DDK: Holy crap your right! Well, I don't want to get arrested for a hate crime. I mean, people hate guys who are bullying the gays right now. How am I supposed to beat up a gay dude?
Obsidian: If you don't beat the crap out of him, you'll be giving him special treatment, which they don't want. They want to be treated like everyone else.
DDK: But everyone else gets bullied.
Obsidian: I know, they're a very hypocritical people.
DDK: So damned if I do, damned if I don't eh?
Obsidian: Basically.
DDK: Well, if I'm damned, might as well make the most of it and ravage the crap out of him!
Obsidian: So that means your the pitcher?
DDK: NO! Not like that. Ew. I mean, I'll beat him until he can no longer move.
Obsidian: That doesn't sound better.
DDK: Crap...I mean, I will punch him and kick him and make him bleed and possibly send him to the hospital. How's that sound?
Obsidian: Okay, unless he's into S & M.
DDK: Wait wait wait wait WAIT! But he has a wife and kid.
Obsidian: Many gays pretend not to be by doing stuff like that. Especially the more extreme ones who do gay things with fish.
DDK: Really? That's terrible. I feel bad for the wife. All that work.
Obsidian: Well, if she's looking for a real good time, she can call my number.
*Obsidian's cell phone number flashes across the bottom of the screen.*
DDK: Is that wise?
Obsidian: Of course, now she has my number.
DDK: So does everyone else who watches, and since this is my promo, that's a lot of people!
Obsidian: It's cool, I got nothing going on tomorrow. *Obsidian whispers at the camera.* Call me Mrs. Holland.
*Obsidian winks and walks off.*
DDK: Great, now I'm fighting a gay fish with a small penis. Well that's just disgusting. Lets see, what can I do to sink even lower?
*DDK raises his hand to his chin and rubs his goatee in ponderation, a word he just made up.*
DDK: Lower, lower...low...er...A ha! I also still have my parents!
*DDK turns to the other camera that cuts to him again.*
DDK: Oh no no no. Do not tell me I just went there! That is the epitome of bad taste! For shame on myself, for shame!
*DDK turns back to the original camera.*
DDK: Losing my mama or papa, that would be terrible. But I do feel your pain. I lost a brother recently, you know him, you've fought him. I won this belt to keep the family legacy going. To make him proud. But you probably don't even know what your family legacy is. Maybe it's too achieve a medium amount of success and then just start failing to make it to the big time. If so, then great job buddy! I'll make sure you stay on target!
*DDK walks out of the mud pit and heads over to a nearby jungle gym. Kids are playing on the sets as watchful parents look on. DDK looks on from a distance.*
DDK: Now you've got a kid of your own Dave. You and I, we lead tough lives for kids. Hardly home. Risking dangerous injury. You don't want your kid to miss out on his parents like you did. You want to be that father figure that's there for him. Trust me, it's tougher with two. But our jobs make good money, I'm set for life with providing food and shelter. Just saving up for college now. I can give you more time with your son Dave. All it takes is the right injury. I could go too far, like I did with Lance, then he'll end up just not having a daddy for awhile. Or maybe I'll hurt you just enough to make you stay home. Have some trouble lifting him, but otherwise, good, quality time. Curtis thinks he gets good quality time with his kids. He feels alleviated because he's staying home. I'm out here doing the dirty work for him, I have to keep him safe for them, so I fight harder. It's the way of the world I guess. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you I like the fame and glory.
*DDK turns back to the camera and smirks.*
DDK: To be the people's champ takes a lot of work. And I mean me of course, the REAL people's champ. I care about the fame, the money, and the honor. How could you not Dave? The world title is a whole package of things. It's all these wonderful things, and then a target as well. It creates so much pain, suffering, and misery. But it brings so much joy and prestige with it. I mean, you kind of have to be crazy to hold it. That Dave, that is what makes me perfect for this thing. You must not fail, but surely you know it's an option. Maybe there's some craziness in you yet Dave. You say a man with destiny is nigh unstoppable, well...I think everyone wants there destiny to be the world title. But wanting, and achieving are two totally different things.You're salvation is truly only three seconds away, isn't it Dave? Everyone believes in you, and you're a nice guy, why wouldn't they? I mean, I almost want to believe in you myself. But see, I'm just crazy enough to not fall for it Dave. You got Charlie, you got everybody else, but you won't get me. Your sure thing, it ain't so sure yet. Because to get to that three seconds, you have to go through hell. My kind of hell. That's a place I don't think you'll survive. All the training in the world won't prepare you for my kind of pain. But by all means, come at me quicker and more powerful than ever before. Make me a believer if you can Dave! Because even if I did believe in you, I might just be crazy enough to go against the grain anyway.
*The still mud covered DDK charges and hits the other camera man with the BANG! He gets up and turns to the original camera.*
DDK: And you have a ten second head start. 1...2...3...
*The camera man quickly turns and starts running.*
*We cut back to DDK, still sitting back in his chair.*
Do I got this? My purpose is to be the best, like my bro was. To entertain the people like only I can. To give them a hell of a show. I know Dave can deliver on that. I have no doubts that this match will be epic beyond epic epicness. I'll give it my all. I'll prove my worth like I always do. It seems like everyone believes in Dave, but that's okay...
*DDK opens his eyes and smiles wide.*
...I like those odds.
*The scene fades out.*
Have I gone crazy? Was I not the one that helped with the coma? I mean, Ron and I were in the same faction at the least. But Matt Hicks can't do ****, I know, I remember. But we did scare them off didn't we? Probably? Maybe? No, I know Dirty Deal ran them out of XHF. It was totally us. I'm pretty sure it was after Holland had gotten through me in that other tournament he was talking about. He ended up winning that tournament too, and he flubbed it. That has to be itching at the back of his mind, remembering he came so far just to fail. Everyone believed in him so much that he believed his own hype, and failed. But that couldn't possibly happen again, could it? Surely, this time he'll be even more focused. Well, the important thing is, we've clashed, we're evolved, we clash again. I don't plan on making the same mistakes of yesteryear, and neither does he. So I just have to hit him harder. Yes...yes, that makes sense. Right? So really, am I the crazy one?
Oh wait, I'm DDK! Of course I'm crazy bitch!
*DDK closes his eyes and leans back. The camera flashes to a pure white, almost burning to the eyes with how quick it changes.*
*We slowly fade in from white to see DDK still with the world title around his waist. He stands atop a hill, with a flag firmly planted in the dirt. The flag reads "DDK." He stands tall and looks out over whatever is behind the camera.*
DDK: This is my hill. The tallest hill of them all. Dave Holland, you want to be here. You want to be me. But you ain't here yet buddy! Your symbolism as great and simple as it may be, it's just going to end up just like little Ricky's empty display case and Evan's shiny path. A dream you can't attain. Why, oh why can't you attain it Dave? Because I am in your way. I hold the brass ring Dave, and I will pull it back every time you reach for it on Sunday. It was my destiny to take this title off of Philip Burns, and I did. It's yet also my destiny to be the greatest champion NCW has ever seen. To be a great champion, I have to beat great challengers, and you my friend, are turning into a hell of a challenger! I mean, you ravaged the tournament. You have no problem telling everyone so, and you shouldn't. You survived two Closures. Amazing! You want this more than anything! You want this so bad you can taste it! You want it sooooo bad that everyone around you is already telling you you have it! I know the feeling. You see, however, when I cashed in my sack and pinned Phil, I literal had it. The office, especially Ruston Bourne, decided to hold me down. I nearly killed myself to not let this belt go, and it ended up making me let it go. But what did I do? I took out my major competition for a spot, Lance Ryan, you know the one, first guy to kick out of your Magic Touch, yeah, I put him in a coma. Then I got my re-rematch, a pure wrestling match with the best pure wrestler in NCW, and I beat Phil so badly that he's stuck in the hospital next to Lance. In his own match mind you, proving I am now the best pure wrestler in NCW. I know I'm the best all around ass kicker, I know I'm the best entertainer, I know I stand atop the rankings, I know for a full fledged fact that I am better than you. That doesn't mean I'm indestructible by any means, but it does mean that no matter how hard you train, no matter how many push ups you do before you go to bed, you will be fighting an uphill battle.
*DDK pauses and winks at the camera.*
DDK: Get it? Cause I'm...on the hill? Yeah? Heh. But you see Dave, I'm the best, and certain people love me for it. That's why I'm the people's champ! But just because I'm the best, that doesn't mean I won't do my worst! Because after all my alter ego was a member of Dirty Deal. I'm pretty ****ing dirty. I mean, I put Lance Ryan in a coma.
*DDK dives and rolls down the hill, he tumbles to the bottom, landing in a mud pit. He gets to his feet, dirt all over. Someone throws him a towel and he immediately wipes the world title off so it shines again, but then throws the towel away, leaving himself dirty.*
DDK: These past few weeks, we've gotten to see into the life of Dave Holland. We've gotten to see the people he hangs with, and the things he does behind the scenes. A lot of "awwww" moments. That's great and all, but Dave, I'm here to wrestle. I don't parade my wife and two kids around on TV to get the sympathy vote. I don't show them my washed up trainer giving me some advice. I'm just here to make some damn good ratings by dealing out some damn good damage. And what I plan to do Su--Oh, you know, before I forget, where the **** did you find the helicopter rental? Because that **** was cool! Anyway, on Sunday, I plan to beat you black and blue. It's my usual plan for all my matches. Pretty simple, but considering I'm the world champ and leader of the power rankings, I would have to say it works well. But another thing I did for you, was what happened on Collision. That BANG! was a preview of things to come. I will BANG! you Sunday. And if you kick out or grab the ropes, I will BANG! you again! I will BANG! you again and again and again if I have to. You will be more worn out than a cheap whore! Not as cheap as your bro's tramp girlfriend, that I wouldn't want to wish on anyone. But I'm talking nearly bottom of the barrel.
*DDK turns his head and we cut to another camera looking him in the face.*
DDK: Oh schnaps! Did DDK just go there? I think he did!
*DDK turns back to the original camera.*
DDK: That's right! Doubled up! Because the champ can do that sort of thing. Perks are great. Too bad you can't enjoy it Dave, because I'm dashing and dangerous! I'm sexier than any Jason, and ten times as brutal! Also one-hundred percent less steroid ridden. You however, could probably use a few more muscles, I see why you're doing so many push ups there. Body envy, I understand, happens all the time when people face me. But you're just so confident in the face of such a better adversary, I'm really proud of you Dave. But if I'm to get low, I can't be feeling that way. I thought, if I'm going to be dirty, I need Obsidian to go out and dig up some dirt. Get me something to work with. Obsidian, what have you got?
*Obsidian runs into camera.*
Obsidian: I think he's a gay fish.
DDK: What?
Obsidian: He's totally a gay fish. Check it out:
DDK: Why does that make him a gay fish? Disturbing as it may be.
Obsidian: That's obviously a male fish. But I was thinking, maybe he's not because I think he was in porn.
DDK: Okay, that's a very terrible costume, looks like bad acting, maybe it's porn. Pay to be straight?
Obsidian: I was thinking that too, because then I found out he had a tattoo...down there. Not on his hoo-hoo dilly, but close.
DDK: And that he'd pose for that, kinda gay.
Obsidian: Right. But then he also dresses up as super heroes.
DDK: Further proof he's gay.
Obsidian: No no no! Super heroes are awesome! This makes him totally not gay.
DDK: Okay.
Obsidian: Then I found this thinking that he's definitely not gay. He's seen here learning how to shoot things.
DDK: That's a big gun, he might be compensating for something.
Obsidian: Right, totally, but that's something straight dudes do. Gay guys don't care, because if they have a small willy, they just become the catcher. At least I think that's how it works. I wish GQ were here to tell us.
*Cut to GQ at the supermarket.*
GQ: I AM NOT GAY!
*Cut back.*
DDK: Did you hear something?
Obsidian: Nope.
DDK: Go on.
Obsidian: So I was pretty sure he's a straight guy with a small penis when I found this.
DDK: Wow, that's incredibly nerdy. And weird. But I don't see the proof.
Obsidian: Look closely. See that mustache. Totally a gay mustache. Definitely not Machado quality.
DDK: Holy crap your right! Well, I don't want to get arrested for a hate crime. I mean, people hate guys who are bullying the gays right now. How am I supposed to beat up a gay dude?
Obsidian: If you don't beat the crap out of him, you'll be giving him special treatment, which they don't want. They want to be treated like everyone else.
DDK: But everyone else gets bullied.
Obsidian: I know, they're a very hypocritical people.
DDK: So damned if I do, damned if I don't eh?
Obsidian: Basically.
DDK: Well, if I'm damned, might as well make the most of it and ravage the crap out of him!
Obsidian: So that means your the pitcher?
DDK: NO! Not like that. Ew. I mean, I'll beat him until he can no longer move.
Obsidian: That doesn't sound better.
DDK: Crap...I mean, I will punch him and kick him and make him bleed and possibly send him to the hospital. How's that sound?
Obsidian: Okay, unless he's into S & M.
DDK: Wait wait wait wait WAIT! But he has a wife and kid.
Obsidian: Many gays pretend not to be by doing stuff like that. Especially the more extreme ones who do gay things with fish.
DDK: Really? That's terrible. I feel bad for the wife. All that work.
Obsidian: Well, if she's looking for a real good time, she can call my number.
*Obsidian's cell phone number flashes across the bottom of the screen.*
DDK: Is that wise?
Obsidian: Of course, now she has my number.
DDK: So does everyone else who watches, and since this is my promo, that's a lot of people!
Obsidian: It's cool, I got nothing going on tomorrow. *Obsidian whispers at the camera.* Call me Mrs. Holland.
*Obsidian winks and walks off.*
DDK: Great, now I'm fighting a gay fish with a small penis. Well that's just disgusting. Lets see, what can I do to sink even lower?
*DDK raises his hand to his chin and rubs his goatee in ponderation, a word he just made up.*
DDK: Lower, lower...low...er...A ha! I also still have my parents!
*DDK turns to the other camera that cuts to him again.*
DDK: Oh no no no. Do not tell me I just went there! That is the epitome of bad taste! For shame on myself, for shame!
*DDK turns back to the original camera.*
DDK: Losing my mama or papa, that would be terrible. But I do feel your pain. I lost a brother recently, you know him, you've fought him. I won this belt to keep the family legacy going. To make him proud. But you probably don't even know what your family legacy is. Maybe it's too achieve a medium amount of success and then just start failing to make it to the big time. If so, then great job buddy! I'll make sure you stay on target!
*DDK walks out of the mud pit and heads over to a nearby jungle gym. Kids are playing on the sets as watchful parents look on. DDK looks on from a distance.*
DDK: Now you've got a kid of your own Dave. You and I, we lead tough lives for kids. Hardly home. Risking dangerous injury. You don't want your kid to miss out on his parents like you did. You want to be that father figure that's there for him. Trust me, it's tougher with two. But our jobs make good money, I'm set for life with providing food and shelter. Just saving up for college now. I can give you more time with your son Dave. All it takes is the right injury. I could go too far, like I did with Lance, then he'll end up just not having a daddy for awhile. Or maybe I'll hurt you just enough to make you stay home. Have some trouble lifting him, but otherwise, good, quality time. Curtis thinks he gets good quality time with his kids. He feels alleviated because he's staying home. I'm out here doing the dirty work for him, I have to keep him safe for them, so I fight harder. It's the way of the world I guess. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you I like the fame and glory.
*DDK turns back to the camera and smirks.*
DDK: To be the people's champ takes a lot of work. And I mean me of course, the REAL people's champ. I care about the fame, the money, and the honor. How could you not Dave? The world title is a whole package of things. It's all these wonderful things, and then a target as well. It creates so much pain, suffering, and misery. But it brings so much joy and prestige with it. I mean, you kind of have to be crazy to hold it. That Dave, that is what makes me perfect for this thing. You must not fail, but surely you know it's an option. Maybe there's some craziness in you yet Dave. You say a man with destiny is nigh unstoppable, well...I think everyone wants there destiny to be the world title. But wanting, and achieving are two totally different things.You're salvation is truly only three seconds away, isn't it Dave? Everyone believes in you, and you're a nice guy, why wouldn't they? I mean, I almost want to believe in you myself. But see, I'm just crazy enough to not fall for it Dave. You got Charlie, you got everybody else, but you won't get me. Your sure thing, it ain't so sure yet. Because to get to that three seconds, you have to go through hell. My kind of hell. That's a place I don't think you'll survive. All the training in the world won't prepare you for my kind of pain. But by all means, come at me quicker and more powerful than ever before. Make me a believer if you can Dave! Because even if I did believe in you, I might just be crazy enough to go against the grain anyway.
*The still mud covered DDK charges and hits the other camera man with the BANG! He gets up and turns to the original camera.*
DDK: And you have a ten second head start. 1...2...3...
*The camera man quickly turns and starts running.*
*We cut back to DDK, still sitting back in his chair.*
Do I got this? My purpose is to be the best, like my bro was. To entertain the people like only I can. To give them a hell of a show. I know Dave can deliver on that. I have no doubts that this match will be epic beyond epic epicness. I'll give it my all. I'll prove my worth like I always do. It seems like everyone believes in Dave, but that's okay...
*DDK opens his eyes and smiles wide.*
...I like those odds.
*The scene fades out.*