Post by Hexxy on Feb 3, 2011 9:32:59 GMT -6
{Spike Kane stands among several mortal man, looking at them as if they were nothing but mere hamsters under his mighty boot. He eyes them, maybe even checks out their muscular frames some... but that’s not the point, he looks them over, tries to think why a “god” like he is would even bother to rule over these pathetic worms. None the less her realizes that he must, they need an XTREME saviour, they need an XTREME idol to guide them on their journey in this world, that’s why he, Spike Kane, must step forward, must be their guiding light and one and only, God of all things XTREME!.....}
“Sir... SIR!”
{Spike quickly snaps to attention as the young ugly man behind the counter is holding out a cup of coffee, trying to urge Spike to take it, as it’s what he ordered.}
Kid: You’re holding up the line sir!
Spike: My subjects can wait, I was staring dramatically at them, deciding that I must stand up and fight for their rights to be XTREME, whenever they want.
Kid: Could you please just take your coffee, I don’t get paid enough to do this...
Spike: Wait a minute, you look familiar. What’s your name citizen?
Kid: “Sam”... “Sam Hope”
Spike: Are you at all related to Bob Hope.
Kid: No.
Spike: Then you must be Zelda’s former best friend dating all the way back to High School!
Kid: *sigh* Yes... “former” best friend is the correct term.... she out grew me when she got all famous.
Spike: That’s so XTREME!
{Spike wildly throws up his arm and hand, dramatically balling it into a fist as he says he’s patented XTREME line, which is so XTREME that nothing could every possibly out XTREME it.}
Sam: Could you place just take the coffee and pay me now....
Spike: I’ve got a better idea for you! Come young Samuel, I’ll take you under my wing, I’ll teach you the ways of XTREME! You could be me protege.
Sam: Are you coming on to me?
Spike: Egads my good sir, who do you take me for, Seth Evans!?
Sam: I’m not hearing a no.....
Spike: Look Sam! There comes a time in everyman’s life when he must make a choice, when he must look down deep in his soul and decide if he wants to be a pathetic loser who can’t get any chicks because he’s so damn intolerable and has like 18 favorite professional sports teams, or he can step out and say “I shall not be a loser no longer! I choose to be.... XTREME!” What are you going to do Sam... sit here working at this fine Starbucks establishment all your life while lamenting your sadness over Zelda on Facebook, or will you follow me and be baddass, so baddass, that eveybody will be forced to respect you! The question here Sam, is do you want to blue pill and your life of quiet self loathing, or do you want this red pill... and I can take you to the promised land.
{Spike reaches into his manly fanny pack and pulls out two small pills, holding them out as an offering to Sam who stares at them pondering his fate. He finally reaches down and grabs the red pill throwing it into his mouth.}
Spike: Oh wow... you just took some unknown substance from a guy you don’t know who walks around wearing voodoo makeup! Man did your parents ever screw you up! Good thing you took the red pill though....
Sam: Why?
Spike: The blue one was rat poison.
{Sam’s eyes go wide in freight as Hexx reveals the contents of the pill, but he sighs and wipes some sweat off his face, relieved that he made the right choice.}
Spike: Or maybe it was the red one that was rat poison... I don’t know, who cares. Lets go Young Sam, we’ve got work to do!
{Hexx grabs Sam by the collar of his shirt and drags him over the counter as we fade out.}
{{{SEVERAL HOURS LATER}}}
{The God of XTREME Spike Kane bursts into the room, he’s excited, we can obviously see that, Brad Kane looks at him in bewilderment before smiling, standing up from the couch, and giving Spike a hug.}
Spike: Why in the hell are you hugging me Brad!?
Brad: We’re twin brothers, I could sense that you needed a hug. Oh and Lacey has been crying for her uncle Spike, she wants you to tuck her in and read her a bed time story.
{Reckless Happy points to the table where a watermelon has a blonde wig over it, with a crudely painted smiling face.}
Spike: In due time Brad, but first I have some great news, some XTREME news for you!
Brad: That’s great, that makes me happy!
Spike: Do you want to see the news?
Brad: See?
Spike: Show them what’s behind door number one!
{Spike holds out his arm like a 1970’s gameshow host pointing towards the bathroom door but nothing happens. Brad stares at the door with his jaw dropped, eagerly anticipating what is coming but we soon hear crickets.Spike lowers his arm and begins tapping his foot.}
Spike: That means come out of the bathroom you jackass!
{Spike throws his arm up again and the bathroom door swings open, out from the misty confines comes Sam who now is wearing a purple haired wig and crappy grunge rock clothes. Reckless Jack is thrown back in surprise, he can barely believe his eyes it’s... it’s....}
Brad: Vertigo Dirtmurder!
{Brad then walks over to Vertigo and gives him a big hug, while a confused Vert has no idea what’s goign on.}
Vertigo: Why is he hugging me?
Spike: He does that, you’ll get used to it, Brad! Let go of the boy!
{Brad refuses, so Hexx grabs a mop and pries the two apart.}
Spike: Look, we need to quit being homosexual for a minute and focus..... Vertigo that means you’ll have to work twice as hard.
{Vertigo nods his head in agreement.}
Spike: As you know my dear twin brother who looks nothing like me, Vertigo was once the tag team partner of Joe Everyman, or victim this sunday at Metamorphosis.
Vertigo: Yes, I’m going to give you some insights into the inner santums of Joe Everyman’s mind! I’m going to teach you what it’s going to take to defeat him, we’ll devise a plan, then murder some babies!
{Spike smacks him upside the head with a rolled up newspaper.}
Vertigo: I mean we’ll go blow up a nursing home.
{Spike smacks him again with the newspaper.}
Veritgo: Fine! We won’t do any savage murdering or pillaging.
Spike: I never said we couldn’t pillage anything, but we’ll need eye patches.
{Brad Kane reaches into the front of his pants and then pulls out three black pirate eye patches.}
Brad: Good thing I always carry these with me!
Vertigo: Why would you be carrying around those things for no reason?
Brad: You never know when it’s going to be a good time to pillage.
Spike: Good work Brad! Pillaging, it’s so.. XTREME! Lets do this!
{All three men take a patch and throw it over their eye and make various pirate noises. Brad pionts to the door and the three men go running out as the lights fade... however soon afterward Spike comes back through, walks over to the dolled up watermelon and kisses it on what should be the forehead.}
Spike: Good night Lacey sweety.
{{{SEVERAL HOURS LATER}}}
“So what’s our plan of attack Vertigo, that’s sure to be both stunning in it’s genius as it is crazy with it’s stupidity.”
{Vertigo stands in front of a projector screen holding a pointer in his hand, he points at the crudely drawn diagrams.}
Vertigo: As you see from this amazing diagram I made, Joe Everyman has three weaknesses that we need to exploit if you have any chance of winning. Notice how he is holding this picture of David Hasselhoff? He loves attractive actors from the late 80’s and 90’s. I say our first phase of this plan is for you guys to come out dressed as Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. He’ll be so distracted by your stunning good looks, he won’t be able to do anything but stare passionately into your eyes.
Spike: Isn’t he married?
Vertigo: It’s all a cover story.
{Brad pulls some dark aviator glasses out of nowhere and puts them on.}
Brad: Got it Goose.
{Spike pulls out a life sized cutout of Angelina Jolie, that he just happens to have laying around for some reason or another that totally isn’t to play out his sick perverted fantasies.}
Spike: Check.
{We shift back to Sam as Vertigo.}
Vertigo: Second, as you can see by the fact that he’s avoiding this pit of scorpions I drew, he hates the thought of dying alone... therefore I suggest we murder his wife and kid and bury them in shallow graves, giving him the map to their mutilated bodies.
{Spike sighs as he stands up, walks over to Vertigo and smashes him on the head with the rolled up newspaper again.}
Vertigo: Carrying on... right here.. a hamster. It’s his biggest weakness, they are so to speak “his drug”. He can’t get enough of them, my Intel tells me that he has become a connoisseur of them. He’s the world foremost expert in all things hamster and gerbil related.
{Spike and Brad begin giggling.}
Brad: I thought that was Richard Gere?
Vertigo: Get your head out of the gutter Brad! This is serious here.We’ve got two plans of actions here... we can either lower a bucket of hamsters to the ring causing him to freak out and start making cutesy faces to them as he attempts to play with their furry goodness....
Spike: I don’t know if hamsters like being in buckets.... Sounds a little unrealistic...
Vertigo: Oh they love it, reminds them of their time in Nam. Or like I was saying, we could try a different approach.
{Veritgo reaches down and pulls up a hamster cage with a small brown hamster inside.}
Vertigo: We could bring this to the ring. As you can clearly see the cage is fitted with a high explosive. We threaten him we’ll blow hamster entrails all over the arena unless he lays down like our bitch so you guys can win the match.
Brad: Isn’t laying down like a bitch what he’s best at? I mean, from all those wild Internet speculations, you’d think so.
Spike: And correct me if I’m wrong, but that “bomb” appears to be a pocket watch taped to a bunch of bottle rockets.
Vertigo: Look! Guys, if we want this plan to work you’re gonna have to quit questioning my every move, who was the person in this room that teamed with Joe Everyman for months, who was the person who went to war with him against the likes of Big L and Jake Kane? I know Joe Everyman like the back of my hand and if you want to beat him, then you’re just going to have to trust me, that our rip out his eyes with a melon baller!
Spike: You’re right Vertigo, I brought you in the help and we’re going to follow your advice, isn’t that right Brad!
{Brad stands up from his chair and walks over to Vertigo.. then gives him a big hug squeezing him tight. Spike lowers his head and walks off screen for a second. He comes back with a broom and begins hitting Reckless jack in the back with it... XTREMELY! We fade to black... XTREMELY!}
“Sir... SIR!”
{Spike quickly snaps to attention as the young ugly man behind the counter is holding out a cup of coffee, trying to urge Spike to take it, as it’s what he ordered.}
Kid: You’re holding up the line sir!
Spike: My subjects can wait, I was staring dramatically at them, deciding that I must stand up and fight for their rights to be XTREME, whenever they want.
Kid: Could you please just take your coffee, I don’t get paid enough to do this...
Spike: Wait a minute, you look familiar. What’s your name citizen?
Kid: “Sam”... “Sam Hope”
Spike: Are you at all related to Bob Hope.
Kid: No.
Spike: Then you must be Zelda’s former best friend dating all the way back to High School!
Kid: *sigh* Yes... “former” best friend is the correct term.... she out grew me when she got all famous.
Spike: That’s so XTREME!
{Spike wildly throws up his arm and hand, dramatically balling it into a fist as he says he’s patented XTREME line, which is so XTREME that nothing could every possibly out XTREME it.}
Sam: Could you place just take the coffee and pay me now....
Spike: I’ve got a better idea for you! Come young Samuel, I’ll take you under my wing, I’ll teach you the ways of XTREME! You could be me protege.
Sam: Are you coming on to me?
Spike: Egads my good sir, who do you take me for, Seth Evans!?
Sam: I’m not hearing a no.....
Spike: Look Sam! There comes a time in everyman’s life when he must make a choice, when he must look down deep in his soul and decide if he wants to be a pathetic loser who can’t get any chicks because he’s so damn intolerable and has like 18 favorite professional sports teams, or he can step out and say “I shall not be a loser no longer! I choose to be.... XTREME!” What are you going to do Sam... sit here working at this fine Starbucks establishment all your life while lamenting your sadness over Zelda on Facebook, or will you follow me and be baddass, so baddass, that eveybody will be forced to respect you! The question here Sam, is do you want to blue pill and your life of quiet self loathing, or do you want this red pill... and I can take you to the promised land.
{Spike reaches into his manly fanny pack and pulls out two small pills, holding them out as an offering to Sam who stares at them pondering his fate. He finally reaches down and grabs the red pill throwing it into his mouth.}
Spike: Oh wow... you just took some unknown substance from a guy you don’t know who walks around wearing voodoo makeup! Man did your parents ever screw you up! Good thing you took the red pill though....
Sam: Why?
Spike: The blue one was rat poison.
{Sam’s eyes go wide in freight as Hexx reveals the contents of the pill, but he sighs and wipes some sweat off his face, relieved that he made the right choice.}
Spike: Or maybe it was the red one that was rat poison... I don’t know, who cares. Lets go Young Sam, we’ve got work to do!
{Hexx grabs Sam by the collar of his shirt and drags him over the counter as we fade out.}
{{{SEVERAL HOURS LATER}}}
{The God of XTREME Spike Kane bursts into the room, he’s excited, we can obviously see that, Brad Kane looks at him in bewilderment before smiling, standing up from the couch, and giving Spike a hug.}
Spike: Why in the hell are you hugging me Brad!?
Brad: We’re twin brothers, I could sense that you needed a hug. Oh and Lacey has been crying for her uncle Spike, she wants you to tuck her in and read her a bed time story.
{Reckless Happy points to the table where a watermelon has a blonde wig over it, with a crudely painted smiling face.}
Spike: In due time Brad, but first I have some great news, some XTREME news for you!
Brad: That’s great, that makes me happy!
Spike: Do you want to see the news?
Brad: See?
Spike: Show them what’s behind door number one!
{Spike holds out his arm like a 1970’s gameshow host pointing towards the bathroom door but nothing happens. Brad stares at the door with his jaw dropped, eagerly anticipating what is coming but we soon hear crickets.Spike lowers his arm and begins tapping his foot.}
Spike: That means come out of the bathroom you jackass!
{Spike throws his arm up again and the bathroom door swings open, out from the misty confines comes Sam who now is wearing a purple haired wig and crappy grunge rock clothes. Reckless Jack is thrown back in surprise, he can barely believe his eyes it’s... it’s....}
Brad: Vertigo Dirtmurder!
{Brad then walks over to Vertigo and gives him a big hug, while a confused Vert has no idea what’s goign on.}
Vertigo: Why is he hugging me?
Spike: He does that, you’ll get used to it, Brad! Let go of the boy!
{Brad refuses, so Hexx grabs a mop and pries the two apart.}
Spike: Look, we need to quit being homosexual for a minute and focus..... Vertigo that means you’ll have to work twice as hard.
{Vertigo nods his head in agreement.}
Spike: As you know my dear twin brother who looks nothing like me, Vertigo was once the tag team partner of Joe Everyman, or victim this sunday at Metamorphosis.
Vertigo: Yes, I’m going to give you some insights into the inner santums of Joe Everyman’s mind! I’m going to teach you what it’s going to take to defeat him, we’ll devise a plan, then murder some babies!
{Spike smacks him upside the head with a rolled up newspaper.}
Vertigo: I mean we’ll go blow up a nursing home.
{Spike smacks him again with the newspaper.}
Veritgo: Fine! We won’t do any savage murdering or pillaging.
Spike: I never said we couldn’t pillage anything, but we’ll need eye patches.
{Brad Kane reaches into the front of his pants and then pulls out three black pirate eye patches.}
Brad: Good thing I always carry these with me!
Vertigo: Why would you be carrying around those things for no reason?
Brad: You never know when it’s going to be a good time to pillage.
Spike: Good work Brad! Pillaging, it’s so.. XTREME! Lets do this!
{All three men take a patch and throw it over their eye and make various pirate noises. Brad pionts to the door and the three men go running out as the lights fade... however soon afterward Spike comes back through, walks over to the dolled up watermelon and kisses it on what should be the forehead.}
Spike: Good night Lacey sweety.
{{{SEVERAL HOURS LATER}}}
“So what’s our plan of attack Vertigo, that’s sure to be both stunning in it’s genius as it is crazy with it’s stupidity.”
{Vertigo stands in front of a projector screen holding a pointer in his hand, he points at the crudely drawn diagrams.}
Vertigo: As you see from this amazing diagram I made, Joe Everyman has three weaknesses that we need to exploit if you have any chance of winning. Notice how he is holding this picture of David Hasselhoff? He loves attractive actors from the late 80’s and 90’s. I say our first phase of this plan is for you guys to come out dressed as Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. He’ll be so distracted by your stunning good looks, he won’t be able to do anything but stare passionately into your eyes.
Spike: Isn’t he married?
Vertigo: It’s all a cover story.
{Brad pulls some dark aviator glasses out of nowhere and puts them on.}
Brad: Got it Goose.
{Spike pulls out a life sized cutout of Angelina Jolie, that he just happens to have laying around for some reason or another that totally isn’t to play out his sick perverted fantasies.}
Spike: Check.
{We shift back to Sam as Vertigo.}
Vertigo: Second, as you can see by the fact that he’s avoiding this pit of scorpions I drew, he hates the thought of dying alone... therefore I suggest we murder his wife and kid and bury them in shallow graves, giving him the map to their mutilated bodies.
{Spike sighs as he stands up, walks over to Vertigo and smashes him on the head with the rolled up newspaper again.}
Vertigo: Carrying on... right here.. a hamster. It’s his biggest weakness, they are so to speak “his drug”. He can’t get enough of them, my Intel tells me that he has become a connoisseur of them. He’s the world foremost expert in all things hamster and gerbil related.
{Spike and Brad begin giggling.}
Brad: I thought that was Richard Gere?
Vertigo: Get your head out of the gutter Brad! This is serious here.We’ve got two plans of actions here... we can either lower a bucket of hamsters to the ring causing him to freak out and start making cutesy faces to them as he attempts to play with their furry goodness....
Spike: I don’t know if hamsters like being in buckets.... Sounds a little unrealistic...
Vertigo: Oh they love it, reminds them of their time in Nam. Or like I was saying, we could try a different approach.
{Veritgo reaches down and pulls up a hamster cage with a small brown hamster inside.}
Vertigo: We could bring this to the ring. As you can clearly see the cage is fitted with a high explosive. We threaten him we’ll blow hamster entrails all over the arena unless he lays down like our bitch so you guys can win the match.
Brad: Isn’t laying down like a bitch what he’s best at? I mean, from all those wild Internet speculations, you’d think so.
Spike: And correct me if I’m wrong, but that “bomb” appears to be a pocket watch taped to a bunch of bottle rockets.
Vertigo: Look! Guys, if we want this plan to work you’re gonna have to quit questioning my every move, who was the person in this room that teamed with Joe Everyman for months, who was the person who went to war with him against the likes of Big L and Jake Kane? I know Joe Everyman like the back of my hand and if you want to beat him, then you’re just going to have to trust me, that our rip out his eyes with a melon baller!
Spike: You’re right Vertigo, I brought you in the help and we’re going to follow your advice, isn’t that right Brad!
{Brad stands up from his chair and walks over to Vertigo.. then gives him a big hug squeezing him tight. Spike lowers his head and walks off screen for a second. He comes back with a broom and begins hitting Reckless jack in the back with it... XTREMELY! We fade to black... XTREMELY!}