Post by Steve Awesome on Feb 4, 2011 2:51:52 GMT -6
We’ve seen this moment countless times. Another sunny day where Steve Awesome wakes up with some random girl he barely knew the night before. They both wake up, he might bang her one more time and then she tells him how amazing he is and he tells her to find the door. She gets upset and begins to feel her heart ripping out of her chest and he feels such an unbelievable satisfaction when she looks down and sees it still beating in his cold hand. She’ll cry, cuss him out, maybe attack him if the chick was ballsy enough, and then grab her things and zip out of the room in an embarrassed rush. Meanwhile, he sits back, completely unphased with that sideways grin on his face.
Truth is….
….He loved this moment.
Another moment was about to happen. This time Steve wakes up before she does. He looks down at her like a cobra eyeing his prey. He lays down and scoots close to her and places his lips upon hers. She soon wakes up to what she assumes to be a morning treat and she starts kissing him back. He brings his hand up to her cheek and brushes her hair with his hand and she does the same. You could feel her passion in the way she inhaled and exhaled. She slowly pulled away from him and just looked into his green eyes. His face was warm the smile on his face as if he were looking at an angel. Steve was playing her like a fiddle. And then the cue:
“You…..are so amazing…”
She couldn’t believe how perfect Steve was for her. But then suddenly, what she couldn’t believe more was how almost on cue his face changed completely. From something so warm and inviting to something so cold, so dark. Steve’s lip twitched as the words ran up his tongue. He inhaled to speak when suddenly the door to his room comes bursting open!
“You piece of ****!!!”
Suddenly a giant blur of purple hair and Invader Zim merchandise comes flying into the room and leaps into the bed with Steve and his lady friend! The girl screams and the sheets go flying all over the place. It was Trent Helms! And he had death on his mind!
“I’m gonna kill you you bastard!”
Trent and Steve start scrambling on the bed. Trent trying to choke him and Steve doing his best not to have Trent’s hands around his neck. Finally, Helms mounts him and he starts to squeeze the air out of the Face of the Franchise. Steve manages to croak out a plea.
“Get…off me….you freak.”
Trent shakes his head and just squeezes harder.
“Why in the hell would I do that? So I can just let you get away with that crack you made about me on Collision? How you took me out? No way!”
Trent leans forward and puts more pressure on Steve’s neck and Steve can’t do anything but choke out one last sentence with what air he had left.
“Be…cause….I’m naked……so…..gay…..”
“WHAT!?”
Trent looks horrified and quickly and clumsily scrambles off of the full mount position and off the bed. He noticed the girl standing next to the bed using a sheet to cover herself and he quickly reaches out and touches her boob. She quickly slaps his hand away. Trent shrugs and quickly apologizes.
“I’m sorry…I had to do something to cancel out the gay. They’re very nice though.”
Trent gives her a quick smile and the girl blushes. Meanwhile, Steve is sitting on the edge of his bed hunched over trying to catch his breath. He looks up at Trent and glares at him while he holds his neck.
“What in God’s name is your problem dude?”
Trent shakes his head and slashes through the air with his hand.
“I already explained it while I was trying to kill you.”
“You’re mad at me for what I said on Collision? I was just trying to get into the kids head. If I can break your arm and put one of my best friends on the shelf, what could I be capable of doing to that little crap stain, Jacobsen.”
Trent just glared at him. He silently preyed to Galactus to strike him down right where he sat. But then he remembered that Galactus was on his annual trip to Rio with his grandmother, so he quickly switches to plan B.
“That’s it!”
Trent puts up his fists.
“Put some pants on and fight me like a man!”
Steve Awesome slowly stands up and gets in Trent’s face. The sheet he was wrapped in would have fell to the ground had he not dedicated one hand to use it to cover his Johnson.
“I’m Steve Awesome….”
He gets right in Trent’s face.
“…I don’t wear pants!”
Awesome drops the rest of the sheet and puts both fists up as well. Unfortunately for dirty pervs like Sam, the camera stays at waste level. Trent’s violent scowl slowly turns to a frustrated retreat.
“I’m not going to fight you with your STD ridden penis flopping around.”
The girl, who had been silently watching this little fiasco unfold, suddenly has something to say.
“I’m sorry, did you say STDs?”
Awesome starts waving his arms back and forth and shaking his head no while Trent starts nodding his head yes and begins to name off all the different kinds Steve had.
“No! I do not have any of that! I’m clean I swear.”
“No, you might want to get checked out sweetie. In fact, I think I’m going to get myself checked out too because I think it hit my leg when you turned around to look at her. Come on toots, were going to the clinic. Space age health care takes care of everyone.”
Trent motions for the girl to follow him. She takes one quick glance at Steve, shrugs her shoulders, grabs some clothes and walks over to Trent. Trent then points at Steve.
“Don’t think you dodged a bullet punk. I’m still going to kick your ass. I’m going right to Angel and requesting that he give me a match against you on Collision. And then once your fully clothed and it’s not so homo erotic…..I will break you into nothing!”
Trent walks off with the girl, now fully clothed, and they head out the door talking about how Steve has more crabs then Red Lobster. Steve just sits on the bed, letting what just happened soak in. Possibly considering putting some pants on, but knowing him….that’s probably unlikely.
The handi cam was on and it was of course pointed right at Steve Awesome. Today he was dressed in his brand new t-shirt with the term “MILF HUNTER” written in green against a black background. Obviously a homage to how he totally porked Andrew’s mom a bunch of times. He smiled into the camera, his pearly whites a big contrast to his dark sunglasses.
“What was it you said Andrew?”
He said as a sharp chuckle escapes his lips. He scratches his scruffy cheek.
“You’re gonna take my head? You’re gonna leave me for dead in front of my hometown? You’re finally going to get redemption for all those….”
He lets his lower lip protrude and his begins to talk in the voice of a pouty little child.
“…mean, nasty, wittle things that I’ve been doing to you for the past couple months?”
Steve smirks and shakes his head.
“You know, usually when somebody says that to me, all I can do is laugh. All I can do is just chuckle and say whatever because nine times out of ten I can just tell there talking out of there ass you know? You can smell the bull**** before the douche bag knows he crapped himself. But when I watched you say those words to me last week on Collision and the beautiful and uplifting little speech you made to me this week, I see something different in your eyes Andrew. I see that spark of passion. I hear that break of adrenaline in your voice and I can feel the honesty in your presence. You actually believe that at Metamorphosis, when you and I get inside that wrestling ring, you are going force me to call you daddy. And to that all I can say is….”
He slowly raises his hands up in the air begins a slow clap. A small glimmer of something close to respect twinkles in his eye.
“…Finally.”
“Finally Andrew, after months of me picking on you, beating you down, dragging your life through hell your finally starting to man up for once in your stupid little life! Maybe your balls finally dropped or maybe I’ve pissed you off to the point of insanity but when I look at you standing outside the Joe Louis Arena, MY arena, and I listen to talk about being tired of being pushed around. I listen to you talk about finally making a change and sticking up for yourself, I can tell you actually believe it. You think what your saying is fact. You believe it in your heart of hearts to be true. You want to stick up for all the people I hurt, all the people I’ve tormented because I did it to you. And that makes me feel proud Andrew, because I feel like I helped turn you into a man. Your father failed after trying for twenty years yet your daddy pulls it off in three months. Man where’s my father of the year plaque?”
He takes a moment to laugh at his own joke. He didn’t care if it was funny of not, he just knew that somewhere Jacobsen was watching this with his fist clenched, and that made him laugh.
“I don’t fear you Andrew. Maybe I was running from you, maybe I was resisting taking you out where you stood, but in all seriousness…I don’t fear you. Your like a lap dog. One of those tiny, shivering wiener dogs that sluts like Paris Hilton carry around in a purse. Just because your barking and nipping at my ankles doesn’t magically turn you into a pit bull you understand son? You’ve bitten off more then you can chew now Andrew. Because me…..I’m like a cancer.”
He slowly reaches up and pulls off his sunglasses. His dark green eyes peering into the lens sending daggers right into his rival.
“You were right to call me a horrible person Andrew, because I am one. I’m like a disease. When I want to I latch onto someone and I start tearing away at it until there’s nothing left. I start to break them down, physically, emotionally….people think they have a hold on it, they think they have things under control…hell in some cases….they even think there going to beat it….but even when they feel like there standing at there strongest I’m still there tearing them down on the inside. Can you feel me inside you Andrew? Can you feel me ripping your insides? Because I’m in there….deep. And it’s only a matter of time before I finish you off. I am going to cave your chest in Andrew. I am going to eliminate you from wrestling forever. And I’m going to enjoy every last minute of it. And when I send you limping back to your family and you ruin the after party with the stench of failure the Jacobsen clan knows so well…it will all be on you because I tried to warn you…..I tried to tell you it was a bad idea, but you just wouldn’t listen.
Awesome just shakes his head in disgust.
“And after force you to call me daddy…..”
He points into the camera and smiles that arrogant sideways grin.
“You’re grounded!”
He throws them up.
“Deuces.”
Truth is….
….He loved this moment.
Another moment was about to happen. This time Steve wakes up before she does. He looks down at her like a cobra eyeing his prey. He lays down and scoots close to her and places his lips upon hers. She soon wakes up to what she assumes to be a morning treat and she starts kissing him back. He brings his hand up to her cheek and brushes her hair with his hand and she does the same. You could feel her passion in the way she inhaled and exhaled. She slowly pulled away from him and just looked into his green eyes. His face was warm the smile on his face as if he were looking at an angel. Steve was playing her like a fiddle. And then the cue:
“You…..are so amazing…”
She couldn’t believe how perfect Steve was for her. But then suddenly, what she couldn’t believe more was how almost on cue his face changed completely. From something so warm and inviting to something so cold, so dark. Steve’s lip twitched as the words ran up his tongue. He inhaled to speak when suddenly the door to his room comes bursting open!
“You piece of ****!!!”
Suddenly a giant blur of purple hair and Invader Zim merchandise comes flying into the room and leaps into the bed with Steve and his lady friend! The girl screams and the sheets go flying all over the place. It was Trent Helms! And he had death on his mind!
“I’m gonna kill you you bastard!”
Trent and Steve start scrambling on the bed. Trent trying to choke him and Steve doing his best not to have Trent’s hands around his neck. Finally, Helms mounts him and he starts to squeeze the air out of the Face of the Franchise. Steve manages to croak out a plea.
“Get…off me….you freak.”
Trent shakes his head and just squeezes harder.
“Why in the hell would I do that? So I can just let you get away with that crack you made about me on Collision? How you took me out? No way!”
Trent leans forward and puts more pressure on Steve’s neck and Steve can’t do anything but choke out one last sentence with what air he had left.
“Be…cause….I’m naked……so…..gay…..”
“WHAT!?”
Trent looks horrified and quickly and clumsily scrambles off of the full mount position and off the bed. He noticed the girl standing next to the bed using a sheet to cover herself and he quickly reaches out and touches her boob. She quickly slaps his hand away. Trent shrugs and quickly apologizes.
“I’m sorry…I had to do something to cancel out the gay. They’re very nice though.”
Trent gives her a quick smile and the girl blushes. Meanwhile, Steve is sitting on the edge of his bed hunched over trying to catch his breath. He looks up at Trent and glares at him while he holds his neck.
“What in God’s name is your problem dude?”
Trent shakes his head and slashes through the air with his hand.
“I already explained it while I was trying to kill you.”
“You’re mad at me for what I said on Collision? I was just trying to get into the kids head. If I can break your arm and put one of my best friends on the shelf, what could I be capable of doing to that little crap stain, Jacobsen.”
Trent just glared at him. He silently preyed to Galactus to strike him down right where he sat. But then he remembered that Galactus was on his annual trip to Rio with his grandmother, so he quickly switches to plan B.
“That’s it!”
Trent puts up his fists.
“Put some pants on and fight me like a man!”
Steve Awesome slowly stands up and gets in Trent’s face. The sheet he was wrapped in would have fell to the ground had he not dedicated one hand to use it to cover his Johnson.
“I’m Steve Awesome….”
He gets right in Trent’s face.
“…I don’t wear pants!”
Awesome drops the rest of the sheet and puts both fists up as well. Unfortunately for dirty pervs like Sam, the camera stays at waste level. Trent’s violent scowl slowly turns to a frustrated retreat.
“I’m not going to fight you with your STD ridden penis flopping around.”
The girl, who had been silently watching this little fiasco unfold, suddenly has something to say.
“I’m sorry, did you say STDs?”
Awesome starts waving his arms back and forth and shaking his head no while Trent starts nodding his head yes and begins to name off all the different kinds Steve had.
“No! I do not have any of that! I’m clean I swear.”
“No, you might want to get checked out sweetie. In fact, I think I’m going to get myself checked out too because I think it hit my leg when you turned around to look at her. Come on toots, were going to the clinic. Space age health care takes care of everyone.”
Trent motions for the girl to follow him. She takes one quick glance at Steve, shrugs her shoulders, grabs some clothes and walks over to Trent. Trent then points at Steve.
“Don’t think you dodged a bullet punk. I’m still going to kick your ass. I’m going right to Angel and requesting that he give me a match against you on Collision. And then once your fully clothed and it’s not so homo erotic…..I will break you into nothing!”
Trent walks off with the girl, now fully clothed, and they head out the door talking about how Steve has more crabs then Red Lobster. Steve just sits on the bed, letting what just happened soak in. Possibly considering putting some pants on, but knowing him….that’s probably unlikely.
The handi cam was on and it was of course pointed right at Steve Awesome. Today he was dressed in his brand new t-shirt with the term “MILF HUNTER” written in green against a black background. Obviously a homage to how he totally porked Andrew’s mom a bunch of times. He smiled into the camera, his pearly whites a big contrast to his dark sunglasses.
“What was it you said Andrew?”
He said as a sharp chuckle escapes his lips. He scratches his scruffy cheek.
“You’re gonna take my head? You’re gonna leave me for dead in front of my hometown? You’re finally going to get redemption for all those….”
He lets his lower lip protrude and his begins to talk in the voice of a pouty little child.
“…mean, nasty, wittle things that I’ve been doing to you for the past couple months?”
Steve smirks and shakes his head.
“You know, usually when somebody says that to me, all I can do is laugh. All I can do is just chuckle and say whatever because nine times out of ten I can just tell there talking out of there ass you know? You can smell the bull**** before the douche bag knows he crapped himself. But when I watched you say those words to me last week on Collision and the beautiful and uplifting little speech you made to me this week, I see something different in your eyes Andrew. I see that spark of passion. I hear that break of adrenaline in your voice and I can feel the honesty in your presence. You actually believe that at Metamorphosis, when you and I get inside that wrestling ring, you are going force me to call you daddy. And to that all I can say is….”
He slowly raises his hands up in the air begins a slow clap. A small glimmer of something close to respect twinkles in his eye.
“…Finally.”
“Finally Andrew, after months of me picking on you, beating you down, dragging your life through hell your finally starting to man up for once in your stupid little life! Maybe your balls finally dropped or maybe I’ve pissed you off to the point of insanity but when I look at you standing outside the Joe Louis Arena, MY arena, and I listen to talk about being tired of being pushed around. I listen to you talk about finally making a change and sticking up for yourself, I can tell you actually believe it. You think what your saying is fact. You believe it in your heart of hearts to be true. You want to stick up for all the people I hurt, all the people I’ve tormented because I did it to you. And that makes me feel proud Andrew, because I feel like I helped turn you into a man. Your father failed after trying for twenty years yet your daddy pulls it off in three months. Man where’s my father of the year plaque?”
He takes a moment to laugh at his own joke. He didn’t care if it was funny of not, he just knew that somewhere Jacobsen was watching this with his fist clenched, and that made him laugh.
“I don’t fear you Andrew. Maybe I was running from you, maybe I was resisting taking you out where you stood, but in all seriousness…I don’t fear you. Your like a lap dog. One of those tiny, shivering wiener dogs that sluts like Paris Hilton carry around in a purse. Just because your barking and nipping at my ankles doesn’t magically turn you into a pit bull you understand son? You’ve bitten off more then you can chew now Andrew. Because me…..I’m like a cancer.”
He slowly reaches up and pulls off his sunglasses. His dark green eyes peering into the lens sending daggers right into his rival.
“You were right to call me a horrible person Andrew, because I am one. I’m like a disease. When I want to I latch onto someone and I start tearing away at it until there’s nothing left. I start to break them down, physically, emotionally….people think they have a hold on it, they think they have things under control…hell in some cases….they even think there going to beat it….but even when they feel like there standing at there strongest I’m still there tearing them down on the inside. Can you feel me inside you Andrew? Can you feel me ripping your insides? Because I’m in there….deep. And it’s only a matter of time before I finish you off. I am going to cave your chest in Andrew. I am going to eliminate you from wrestling forever. And I’m going to enjoy every last minute of it. And when I send you limping back to your family and you ruin the after party with the stench of failure the Jacobsen clan knows so well…it will all be on you because I tried to warn you…..I tried to tell you it was a bad idea, but you just wouldn’t listen.
Awesome just shakes his head in disgust.
“And after force you to call me daddy…..”
He points into the camera and smiles that arrogant sideways grin.
“You’re grounded!”
He throws them up.
“Deuces.”