Post by Simon Daye on Apr 12, 2011 9:54:43 GMT -6
100 years ago airplanes were a new idea
50 Years Ago man took to space for the first time
and three years ago, people thought Trent Helms was funny.
You’ve grown stale ET, admit it. It’s the reason nobody wants to see you succeed anymore, it’s the reason Steve Awesome stopped giving a damn about you and stopped returning your phone calls. You’re the hot chick who gave it up a little too easily and now the sweet guy you met just last night is never ****ing calling you back. So you’re crying into your wine cooler trying to make sense of it all, when really there is only one explanation that you’re refusing to look at in all this.... that you’re grade A dumbass.
We’re supposed to just sit back and believe that you’re a proud Canadian, who happens to also be from Outer Space, who just so happens to own a million dollar production studio, who just so happens to also be a porn star, who just so happens to be a Jedi, who just so happens to be sick bastard anarchist, who just so happens to be the biggest damn spot monkey of a pro wrestler to ever live, who just happens to love video games, who just so happens to be a pop culture enthusiast who just so happens to be.... you know what... **** this.
You know what you are Trent? You’re a combination of 100 ideas rolled into one because you can’t keep track of what you really want to be known for. What you are is just a bunch of random bull**** rolled together like a three year old’s playdoh. You’re a bunch of colors that don’t match up, you’re oil and water, and I can see your faults floating to the surface because they just don’t combine. You try to be everything at once, yet your nothing at all because of it. Everybody blindly follows you and worships your **** like you’re a god, but in reality anybody with a brain in their head can see you for what you really are... a confused knob gobbler looking for his place.
Since you’re such a damn loser with no life other than watching television and popular movies so you can later rip them off and use them in promos that will make the masses of smarks shoot their loads on the computer monitor, I know you’ve see the episode of South Park where Butters is a super villian who is trying to take over the world, but every time he comes up with a plan his little sidekick assures him that “the Simpsons did it.” That’s what it is like being on the roster and having you around Trent, that’s what it’s like when somebody throws a million ***damn things into a pot and says “what gimmick should I use this week” before drawing one at random... then you can always come back and puff out your chest and be like “Trent Helms did it first”... yeah, no ****ing **** Sherlock. “Sherlock Holmes”? Trent’s done that too? Well for ****’s sake!!
How about this Trent Helms, how about picking one or two features and sticking with them, you can be ****ing ET and Darth Vader, how does that sound? That way when somebody else comes along you can’t say “Well I did it first”... well of course you ****ing did it first, you’ve done every ***damn imaginable. You’re from outer space but you live with Steve Awesome so you can have orgies with hot chicks. You’re from Canada when you need to have that cool “dungeon” appeal that ****tard Internet nerds love to much, and yet you’ve only ever worked in US based companies. Except for that one Canadian company you tried to start up yourself that fell flat on it’s face before even one show got off the ground at all.
You sir are a mosaic of every conceivable gimmick known to man, in doing so you don’t have to stick to one character trait, you don’t have to play by the rules... because there are none, you can just pick which Trent Helms you want to be this week, cut a cute little promo, add a few Michael Bay explosions maybe cameo a few actors and name drop like a little bitch, and boom there it is, the weekly dose of Trent Helms that we’re all supposed to ****ing love just because you decided to put on the show. Guess what Trent... someday these morons are going to stop being morons and they’re going to see your spaz act for what it is. A desperate attempt to funny and relevant without having to put any development into making yourself a like-able character.
[Opening up the scene we see Simon Daye and Ashlie Ember backstage after Collision, Johnnie Lie is there as usual since he likes to hang around. Simon paces back and forth across the floor complaining.]
Simon Daye: That son of a bitch! He wasn’t supposed to actually show up! Since when in the hell does Trent Helms actually show up!? Walk down there, make fun of his scrawny little ass for a few minutes, make a challenge and then walk away as he no shows it like his name was Everyman, but instead he comes running down there and decides to defend his honor or something?! What’s up with that!?
Ashlie Ember: I don’t know... but maybe you should be looking at this from a different perspective.
Simon Daye: Explain yourself.
Ashlie Ember: Think about it. Now you have a chance to take him out, legit style.
[Simon stares at this girlfriend with wide eyes and a look of disbelief as his mouth is half ajar, the exact same dumbfounded look Johnnie Lei is giving her as well. She rolls her eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh before she goes again.]
Ashlie Ember: I’m saying... what if you actually beat him now, you know.. wrestle the match l ike the did in the old days, before the days of douchebaggery.
Simon Daye: Actually wrestle the match you say? This idea... it’s like so crazy, that it might actually work... I could wrestle the match! And beat him! Who says I can’t win the thing?
Johnnie Lei:: Everybody in the back.
Simon Daye: Well **** them, who cares what they think anyway! This is groundbreaking stuff right here Ashlie... I could do something that Steve Awesome is totally incapable of doing... beating Trent Helms. I could do something Adam Knite has only done once... beating Trent Helms, and I could do something that Trent seldom does.. show up for the match! That’s brilliant!
Ashlie Ember: Hell you can beat him, if Shaun Wilson and Davey Ortega can embarrass him in front of sold out NCW fans, then you certainly can.
Simon Daye: Ok, I think I’ve got an idea to make this great idea to totally rip into him too... Thanks Ashlie, you’re the...
Ashlie Ember: Yeah yeah I know, I’m the best agent ever and stuffs.
Simon Daye: Damn right you are...
[Simon and Ashlie come in close and look like they’re about to share a kiss before their little scene is suddenly broken up by the door to the locker room being violently swung open and standing there on the other side is one Willy Carter who doesn’t look pleased at all.]
Willy Carter: You white ass cracker! You left me out there alone with Trent Helms after I helped you with your little plan!?
Simon Daye: Technically I pushed you into him.
Willy Carter: You do realize that doesn’t make things better right!?
Simon Daye: Come on Willy... I had to! I couldn’t let him get me before this match right? Lets face it, you wouldn’t stand a chance in a match with him, so it’s rightfully my spot to wrestle him and defeat him at Sovereign therefore you’re black ass had to take the hit for the good of the team.
Willy Carter: I’m still going to punch you in your damn nose for it... Come here.
Simon Daye: Come on Willy, there is no reason to resort to violence... here, what if I said I’m sorry? I’m sorry man, I was thinking, I panicked, my bad dude.
[Simon extends his hand for Willy to shake it but Carter suspciously looks around the room, finally though he smiles and extends it for a good shake but when he does Simon takes his hand and ball taps Willy into next week. Carter groans in pain as he falls to his knees and Simon stands there laughing his head.]
Simon Daye: Puss... you really think I’m sorry!? You’re dumber than you are black! Lets get out of here...
[Simon motions to Lei and Ashlie who both are laughing now as they walk past Willy who is still slumped over on his knees holding his private area. The scene fades out on the sight of Simon and his two friends walking out the door.]
Yes Trent I’m completely surprised that you decided not to be a flaming homo and actually accepted my challenge, I thought I was going to get lazy Mexican Trent Helms who wouldn’t even step out from behind the curtains. However, it doesn’t change damn thing. I’m still going to beat your green ass and I’m still going to embarrass you for ever saying Joe Everyman was a half competent wrestler. It just means that I’m actually going to be forced to work for this victory. Which is going to be fine by me because that just means you get to look like an even bigger fool than you already do.
You want to know why people like me and Steve don’t give a damn about you anymore? It’s because you suck donkey dick. There you happy, there’s the answer to all your life problems, everything bad that has ever happened to you is because you.... suck donkey dick. Nobody likes a donkey dick sucker, especially not a midget of a little man who claims to be an alien donkey dick sucker. Right now you’re kind of the annoying little **** in grade school who jumps around acting all hyper trying to be cool with his Superman lunchbox, Ninja Turtles t-shirt and Ghostbuster’s watch with possibly a Sailor Moon binder for your important papers.
You’re the little ****ing twit of a nerd running around wishing you were one of the cool kids, wishing you were captain of the football team, wishing you could go to the Saturday night parties, wishing you could hang out with all the hot blonds. Instead you get the fat Indonesian exchange students or the lame as **** goth recluses, who are possibly fat as hell as well.... while the guys like us get to stand center stage and **** the prom queens. Oh... and speaking of ****ing queens or princesses or whatever... ask your niece about the time I ass ****ed her in UCWA, should make for an interesting story for her to try and explain that away.
Nobody wants you around anymore Trent, not a single damn person. The pretend niece you love so much didn’t give a damn, nor mentioned you one single time while you were MIA. Adam Knite outside of showing you briefly as his best man never once said a word about you, and Rob Diamond until you came back, nobody even remembered that you two once Light Sabred dueld backstage. Joe Everyman never mentioned you, Steve Awesome couldn’t care less, Leonard Fox didn’t even induct you into the Hall of Fame! That’s how little you mean to this company Trent. You’re not special, so quit pretending that you are... you’re old news, you’re past your prime and frankly this company wants to move on from you...
So in short.. I guess what I’m saying is... why don’t you just ****ing go away Trent?
Just hop in the Mystery Machine...
call Kitt for help using the power of greyskull...
pledge your soul to scientology so the all mighty overlord Tom Cruise will lend you the actual plane from Top Gun...
give a hand job to Danny Bonaduce for the ****ing Partridge Family van for all I care...
just do whatever it is that you normally randomly do to try and get people to awe over because you’re so witty with your pop culture references...
and just ****ing go away.
NCW has grown past the days of Trent Helms.
You’re looking at the future.
Oooooh.. Back to the Future... I should of mentioned the Dolorean. ****.
50 Years Ago man took to space for the first time
and three years ago, people thought Trent Helms was funny.
You’ve grown stale ET, admit it. It’s the reason nobody wants to see you succeed anymore, it’s the reason Steve Awesome stopped giving a damn about you and stopped returning your phone calls. You’re the hot chick who gave it up a little too easily and now the sweet guy you met just last night is never ****ing calling you back. So you’re crying into your wine cooler trying to make sense of it all, when really there is only one explanation that you’re refusing to look at in all this.... that you’re grade A dumbass.
We’re supposed to just sit back and believe that you’re a proud Canadian, who happens to also be from Outer Space, who just so happens to own a million dollar production studio, who just so happens to also be a porn star, who just so happens to be a Jedi, who just so happens to be sick bastard anarchist, who just so happens to be the biggest damn spot monkey of a pro wrestler to ever live, who just happens to love video games, who just so happens to be a pop culture enthusiast who just so happens to be.... you know what... **** this.
You know what you are Trent? You’re a combination of 100 ideas rolled into one because you can’t keep track of what you really want to be known for. What you are is just a bunch of random bull**** rolled together like a three year old’s playdoh. You’re a bunch of colors that don’t match up, you’re oil and water, and I can see your faults floating to the surface because they just don’t combine. You try to be everything at once, yet your nothing at all because of it. Everybody blindly follows you and worships your **** like you’re a god, but in reality anybody with a brain in their head can see you for what you really are... a confused knob gobbler looking for his place.
Since you’re such a damn loser with no life other than watching television and popular movies so you can later rip them off and use them in promos that will make the masses of smarks shoot their loads on the computer monitor, I know you’ve see the episode of South Park where Butters is a super villian who is trying to take over the world, but every time he comes up with a plan his little sidekick assures him that “the Simpsons did it.” That’s what it is like being on the roster and having you around Trent, that’s what it’s like when somebody throws a million ***damn things into a pot and says “what gimmick should I use this week” before drawing one at random... then you can always come back and puff out your chest and be like “Trent Helms did it first”... yeah, no ****ing **** Sherlock. “Sherlock Holmes”? Trent’s done that too? Well for ****’s sake!!
How about this Trent Helms, how about picking one or two features and sticking with them, you can be ****ing ET and Darth Vader, how does that sound? That way when somebody else comes along you can’t say “Well I did it first”... well of course you ****ing did it first, you’ve done every ***damn imaginable. You’re from outer space but you live with Steve Awesome so you can have orgies with hot chicks. You’re from Canada when you need to have that cool “dungeon” appeal that ****tard Internet nerds love to much, and yet you’ve only ever worked in US based companies. Except for that one Canadian company you tried to start up yourself that fell flat on it’s face before even one show got off the ground at all.
You sir are a mosaic of every conceivable gimmick known to man, in doing so you don’t have to stick to one character trait, you don’t have to play by the rules... because there are none, you can just pick which Trent Helms you want to be this week, cut a cute little promo, add a few Michael Bay explosions maybe cameo a few actors and name drop like a little bitch, and boom there it is, the weekly dose of Trent Helms that we’re all supposed to ****ing love just because you decided to put on the show. Guess what Trent... someday these morons are going to stop being morons and they’re going to see your spaz act for what it is. A desperate attempt to funny and relevant without having to put any development into making yourself a like-able character.
[Opening up the scene we see Simon Daye and Ashlie Ember backstage after Collision, Johnnie Lie is there as usual since he likes to hang around. Simon paces back and forth across the floor complaining.]
Simon Daye: That son of a bitch! He wasn’t supposed to actually show up! Since when in the hell does Trent Helms actually show up!? Walk down there, make fun of his scrawny little ass for a few minutes, make a challenge and then walk away as he no shows it like his name was Everyman, but instead he comes running down there and decides to defend his honor or something?! What’s up with that!?
Ashlie Ember: I don’t know... but maybe you should be looking at this from a different perspective.
Simon Daye: Explain yourself.
Ashlie Ember: Think about it. Now you have a chance to take him out, legit style.
[Simon stares at this girlfriend with wide eyes and a look of disbelief as his mouth is half ajar, the exact same dumbfounded look Johnnie Lei is giving her as well. She rolls her eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh before she goes again.]
Ashlie Ember: I’m saying... what if you actually beat him now, you know.. wrestle the match l ike the did in the old days, before the days of douchebaggery.
Simon Daye: Actually wrestle the match you say? This idea... it’s like so crazy, that it might actually work... I could wrestle the match! And beat him! Who says I can’t win the thing?
Johnnie Lei:: Everybody in the back.
Simon Daye: Well **** them, who cares what they think anyway! This is groundbreaking stuff right here Ashlie... I could do something that Steve Awesome is totally incapable of doing... beating Trent Helms. I could do something Adam Knite has only done once... beating Trent Helms, and I could do something that Trent seldom does.. show up for the match! That’s brilliant!
Ashlie Ember: Hell you can beat him, if Shaun Wilson and Davey Ortega can embarrass him in front of sold out NCW fans, then you certainly can.
Simon Daye: Ok, I think I’ve got an idea to make this great idea to totally rip into him too... Thanks Ashlie, you’re the...
Ashlie Ember: Yeah yeah I know, I’m the best agent ever and stuffs.
Simon Daye: Damn right you are...
[Simon and Ashlie come in close and look like they’re about to share a kiss before their little scene is suddenly broken up by the door to the locker room being violently swung open and standing there on the other side is one Willy Carter who doesn’t look pleased at all.]
Willy Carter: You white ass cracker! You left me out there alone with Trent Helms after I helped you with your little plan!?
Simon Daye: Technically I pushed you into him.
Willy Carter: You do realize that doesn’t make things better right!?
Simon Daye: Come on Willy... I had to! I couldn’t let him get me before this match right? Lets face it, you wouldn’t stand a chance in a match with him, so it’s rightfully my spot to wrestle him and defeat him at Sovereign therefore you’re black ass had to take the hit for the good of the team.
Willy Carter: I’m still going to punch you in your damn nose for it... Come here.
Simon Daye: Come on Willy, there is no reason to resort to violence... here, what if I said I’m sorry? I’m sorry man, I was thinking, I panicked, my bad dude.
[Simon extends his hand for Willy to shake it but Carter suspciously looks around the room, finally though he smiles and extends it for a good shake but when he does Simon takes his hand and ball taps Willy into next week. Carter groans in pain as he falls to his knees and Simon stands there laughing his head.]
Simon Daye: Puss... you really think I’m sorry!? You’re dumber than you are black! Lets get out of here...
[Simon motions to Lei and Ashlie who both are laughing now as they walk past Willy who is still slumped over on his knees holding his private area. The scene fades out on the sight of Simon and his two friends walking out the door.]
Yes Trent I’m completely surprised that you decided not to be a flaming homo and actually accepted my challenge, I thought I was going to get lazy Mexican Trent Helms who wouldn’t even step out from behind the curtains. However, it doesn’t change damn thing. I’m still going to beat your green ass and I’m still going to embarrass you for ever saying Joe Everyman was a half competent wrestler. It just means that I’m actually going to be forced to work for this victory. Which is going to be fine by me because that just means you get to look like an even bigger fool than you already do.
You want to know why people like me and Steve don’t give a damn about you anymore? It’s because you suck donkey dick. There you happy, there’s the answer to all your life problems, everything bad that has ever happened to you is because you.... suck donkey dick. Nobody likes a donkey dick sucker, especially not a midget of a little man who claims to be an alien donkey dick sucker. Right now you’re kind of the annoying little **** in grade school who jumps around acting all hyper trying to be cool with his Superman lunchbox, Ninja Turtles t-shirt and Ghostbuster’s watch with possibly a Sailor Moon binder for your important papers.
You’re the little ****ing twit of a nerd running around wishing you were one of the cool kids, wishing you were captain of the football team, wishing you could go to the Saturday night parties, wishing you could hang out with all the hot blonds. Instead you get the fat Indonesian exchange students or the lame as **** goth recluses, who are possibly fat as hell as well.... while the guys like us get to stand center stage and **** the prom queens. Oh... and speaking of ****ing queens or princesses or whatever... ask your niece about the time I ass ****ed her in UCWA, should make for an interesting story for her to try and explain that away.
Nobody wants you around anymore Trent, not a single damn person. The pretend niece you love so much didn’t give a damn, nor mentioned you one single time while you were MIA. Adam Knite outside of showing you briefly as his best man never once said a word about you, and Rob Diamond until you came back, nobody even remembered that you two once Light Sabred dueld backstage. Joe Everyman never mentioned you, Steve Awesome couldn’t care less, Leonard Fox didn’t even induct you into the Hall of Fame! That’s how little you mean to this company Trent. You’re not special, so quit pretending that you are... you’re old news, you’re past your prime and frankly this company wants to move on from you...
So in short.. I guess what I’m saying is... why don’t you just ****ing go away Trent?
Just hop in the Mystery Machine...
call Kitt for help using the power of greyskull...
pledge your soul to scientology so the all mighty overlord Tom Cruise will lend you the actual plane from Top Gun...
give a hand job to Danny Bonaduce for the ****ing Partridge Family van for all I care...
just do whatever it is that you normally randomly do to try and get people to awe over because you’re so witty with your pop culture references...
and just ****ing go away.
NCW has grown past the days of Trent Helms.
You’re looking at the future.
Oooooh.. Back to the Future... I should of mentioned the Dolorean. ****.