Post by Simon Daye on Apr 17, 2011 2:09:20 GMT -6
Booooooo freaking hooooo I'm Trent Helms and I almost died of Cancer twice so everybody should love me and not every say a ****ing bad thing about me because of all the heart I've shown throughout my career. Guess what Helms... I don't give a **** what you had to through to be here today and I especially don't give a damn about what you THINK you're going to do to me this Sunday. It is cute though that when I challenged you, when I stood up toe to toe with you and didn't back down, you decided you'd do the standard, good ol', “Play the Victim Card” tactic. It's so nice that along with respecting Joe Everyman that you went out and decided to base your promo around his entire career, it was a real nice touch considering your comments about him are what started this.
Why don't you rip a page out of Spike Kane's book while your at it and have a never before seen family member suddenly come up ill and are in a life threatening state. You can throw in some fake tears, do a real dramatic scream and pose, make a few “serious” faces and then everybody can go suck on your shlong some more and talk about what great production values you put on, despite the fact you just ripped off the entire plot of A Walk to Remember, Mandy Moore. Then when the intelligent none brain cancer victims among us will point out that it's just a complete rip off of some teen romance film, and we'll be told no “it's a parody” so it's just fine.... bull **** Helms you blatant rip off. When all you do is change the names and put in homo jokes... it's called a rip. In fact, I'll give you a prime example of what I'm talking about.
Simon Daye stands at podium, Ashlie and Johnnie are standing behind him looking sad and the people in the audience that are attending this press conference are flashing photos and all trying to get Simon to answer their questions. Simon asks them to settle down by moving his arms up and down, and they comply.
“I'm going to make this short, LIKE MY PENIS, because this is a hard day for me, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, I am sadly going to announce my retirement from nCw:Classic due to the fact that today ay ay ay ay, I found out out out out out, that I I I I I... have lunch cancer er er er er er.”
Simon begins crying as Ashlie and Johnny come up and start patting him on the back and the cameras begin flashing somemore. Simon asks his friends to stop and for everybody around in the audience who have just been worked up into a fever pitch to settle down. He begins to talk again.
“I just want to say I'm sorry that I'm doing this after I won the world title and didn't want to defend it, just like I've done with hundreds of belts in my career, but that's just how the timing of this works, it's not something I planned.... unless you count smoking three packs of cigarettes a day planning. I'm Sorry and I'll miss every one of you.”
--THREE MONTHS LATER--
“I'm back everybody, I've beaten, LIKE MY PENIS, this cancer and I'm making my come back.”
Suddenly The Incredible Hulk walks up and puts his hand on Simon's shoulder.
“And I couldn't of done it without my good friend Bruce Banner.”
Suddenly a man who might be Bob Saggot stands up from the audience.
“What about me?”
“Oh how could I forget, I couldn't of done it without the loving touches and sensual massages of my good friend Bob Faggot either.”
Is that about right Trent? It's funny that you try to paint me as some old prude trying to hang onto my youth, it really is, considering that I'm about six years younger than you fool. 23 years old you dumb****. Thanks for proving my point that NCW has passed you by. Think about it Trent... you can't even be half assed enough to learn the simplest damn thing about your opponent before you go running your mouth about them. Compared me to Married With Children, that's cute, how about I do you one better, I can ask you about how it feels to be teaching straight me the joys of fashion every week on TV along side Ted Allen? Look it up, I'm talking about Queer Eye just in case you couldn't figure that out you flaming ass muncher.
What are you going to do Trent? Huh? We all know you're the one with everything to lose in this match, we all know that you're the one who is under the pressure of winning here. Not I. What happens if you win? You just beat “that Trauma announcer.” Is THAT what you want? No, of course not, we all know you'd rather it be “Trent Helms has just wont he Coliseum”.. but that's NEVER going to happen... and I wonder why... OH! That's right... because of me! HA HA HA HA. That's great, knowing that I took away your hopes and dreams, I took away your chance at revenge, I took away everything that you cared about in recent weeks.... and then I just mocked the **** out of you with them. This might be the happiest day of my life.... that is until Sovereign when I stick Joe Everyman up your ass and watch him make a little home in there like some type of ass mole.
All I'm wanting Helms is my due respect, all I'm wanting is to be recognized as a true, honest wrestler... and if it takes beating the **** out of Joe “Fagballs” Everyman, if it takes ****ing Zelda Knite in her pooper, if it takes making Trent Helms cry like a little girly bitch about his big ole bad lung cancer on live television to get noticed.... I'm going to ****ing do it! I don't care if I step on your toes, I don't care if I tea bag your grandma, I don't give a **** if I have to have sex with the corpse of Joe Everyman's mom in a threesome with Xavier Cross's wife... I'm going to do it if that's what it takes!
You should appreciate that Helms, you really should. Is that not what you used to preach, do whatever it takes to win, do whatever it takes to get ahead? You were the showstopper remember? You would do anything and everything to get the spotlight focused on you, to be the center of attention. You should understand what I'm doing here. Win or lose this match... I'll walk out winning because I got what I wanted, I got everything I needed. I made Trent Helms turn his world upside down... how many people can say they did that? How many people can say they got under Trent Helms' skin so good that he completely shifted back to his pissed off little bantam weight act show? It's already a sweet victory for me tardass.
However.. while I'm already here, and I'm already going to be down in that ring, I might as well make the most of this effort, I might as well do whatever it takes to to shove my boot in your ass. I said boot! I know what it is you really want up there, but I'm sorry I'm not Andrew Jacobsen and I dont' swing that way guy, I'm not your guy buddy.... yeah whatever **** for brains.
Look, I may not shift into some super saiyan, super gay, super flaming homo, super dog biscuit bull ****. I may not parody every current popular movie that is out today. I may not call Ashton Kutcher my homeboy as I try and pretend that I starred in the Butterfly Effect and I may not make idiotic claims about ass probing Scarlett Johanson, that doens't mean that I can't be a threat to you Trent. That doesn't mean that I can't push you to the very limits.
Let me be real for a moment here... whatever happens, I'm going to give you the match of your life Helms, I'm not going to roll over like a bitch in a Joe Everyman RP to suck on your teet. I'm not going to bow down to what you've done in the past, and I'm not going to be intimidated just because you once were considered a top draw in this company. You can get some random wrestling magazine to announce you as the mother ****ing god of wrestling, and I wouldn't care... because nothing is going to stop me from walking to that ring and beating you until you're screaming I'm your daddy like I was Steve Awesome and you were Andrew Jacobsen. Then I might just molest you.. much like again... Andrewa Jacobsen's father did.
This is my time Trent, this is my time to be a star in NCW.... you can say you'll bury me, you can say that I'm nothing but a mid carder, but I've given this company more years of my life than you have, I've been seen in this place a lot more than you can ever be... sure it was as the Trauma commentator... but the point remains. I stayed here and worked my way to this point, I was around here busting my ass while watching the likes of Scotty Callaway coming in and embarrassing himself, all for this moment, all for this chance.... all for the opportunity to face one of NCW's “big names” and crush them.
I'm not going to let this chance slip through my fingers... just try to ****ing stop me.
I triple dog dare you.
Why don't you rip a page out of Spike Kane's book while your at it and have a never before seen family member suddenly come up ill and are in a life threatening state. You can throw in some fake tears, do a real dramatic scream and pose, make a few “serious” faces and then everybody can go suck on your shlong some more and talk about what great production values you put on, despite the fact you just ripped off the entire plot of A Walk to Remember, Mandy Moore. Then when the intelligent none brain cancer victims among us will point out that it's just a complete rip off of some teen romance film, and we'll be told no “it's a parody” so it's just fine.... bull **** Helms you blatant rip off. When all you do is change the names and put in homo jokes... it's called a rip. In fact, I'll give you a prime example of what I'm talking about.
Simon Daye stands at podium, Ashlie and Johnnie are standing behind him looking sad and the people in the audience that are attending this press conference are flashing photos and all trying to get Simon to answer their questions. Simon asks them to settle down by moving his arms up and down, and they comply.
“I'm going to make this short, LIKE MY PENIS, because this is a hard day for me, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, I am sadly going to announce my retirement from nCw:Classic due to the fact that today ay ay ay ay, I found out out out out out, that I I I I I... have lunch cancer er er er er er.”
Simon begins crying as Ashlie and Johnny come up and start patting him on the back and the cameras begin flashing somemore. Simon asks his friends to stop and for everybody around in the audience who have just been worked up into a fever pitch to settle down. He begins to talk again.
“I just want to say I'm sorry that I'm doing this after I won the world title and didn't want to defend it, just like I've done with hundreds of belts in my career, but that's just how the timing of this works, it's not something I planned.... unless you count smoking three packs of cigarettes a day planning. I'm Sorry and I'll miss every one of you.”
--THREE MONTHS LATER--
“I'm back everybody, I've beaten, LIKE MY PENIS, this cancer and I'm making my come back.”
Suddenly The Incredible Hulk walks up and puts his hand on Simon's shoulder.
“And I couldn't of done it without my good friend Bruce Banner.”
Suddenly a man who might be Bob Saggot stands up from the audience.
“What about me?”
“Oh how could I forget, I couldn't of done it without the loving touches and sensual massages of my good friend Bob Faggot either.”
Is that about right Trent? It's funny that you try to paint me as some old prude trying to hang onto my youth, it really is, considering that I'm about six years younger than you fool. 23 years old you dumb****. Thanks for proving my point that NCW has passed you by. Think about it Trent... you can't even be half assed enough to learn the simplest damn thing about your opponent before you go running your mouth about them. Compared me to Married With Children, that's cute, how about I do you one better, I can ask you about how it feels to be teaching straight me the joys of fashion every week on TV along side Ted Allen? Look it up, I'm talking about Queer Eye just in case you couldn't figure that out you flaming ass muncher.
What are you going to do Trent? Huh? We all know you're the one with everything to lose in this match, we all know that you're the one who is under the pressure of winning here. Not I. What happens if you win? You just beat “that Trauma announcer.” Is THAT what you want? No, of course not, we all know you'd rather it be “Trent Helms has just wont he Coliseum”.. but that's NEVER going to happen... and I wonder why... OH! That's right... because of me! HA HA HA HA. That's great, knowing that I took away your hopes and dreams, I took away your chance at revenge, I took away everything that you cared about in recent weeks.... and then I just mocked the **** out of you with them. This might be the happiest day of my life.... that is until Sovereign when I stick Joe Everyman up your ass and watch him make a little home in there like some type of ass mole.
All I'm wanting Helms is my due respect, all I'm wanting is to be recognized as a true, honest wrestler... and if it takes beating the **** out of Joe “Fagballs” Everyman, if it takes ****ing Zelda Knite in her pooper, if it takes making Trent Helms cry like a little girly bitch about his big ole bad lung cancer on live television to get noticed.... I'm going to ****ing do it! I don't care if I step on your toes, I don't care if I tea bag your grandma, I don't give a **** if I have to have sex with the corpse of Joe Everyman's mom in a threesome with Xavier Cross's wife... I'm going to do it if that's what it takes!
You should appreciate that Helms, you really should. Is that not what you used to preach, do whatever it takes to win, do whatever it takes to get ahead? You were the showstopper remember? You would do anything and everything to get the spotlight focused on you, to be the center of attention. You should understand what I'm doing here. Win or lose this match... I'll walk out winning because I got what I wanted, I got everything I needed. I made Trent Helms turn his world upside down... how many people can say they did that? How many people can say they got under Trent Helms' skin so good that he completely shifted back to his pissed off little bantam weight act show? It's already a sweet victory for me tardass.
However.. while I'm already here, and I'm already going to be down in that ring, I might as well make the most of this effort, I might as well do whatever it takes to to shove my boot in your ass. I said boot! I know what it is you really want up there, but I'm sorry I'm not Andrew Jacobsen and I dont' swing that way guy, I'm not your guy buddy.... yeah whatever **** for brains.
Look, I may not shift into some super saiyan, super gay, super flaming homo, super dog biscuit bull ****. I may not parody every current popular movie that is out today. I may not call Ashton Kutcher my homeboy as I try and pretend that I starred in the Butterfly Effect and I may not make idiotic claims about ass probing Scarlett Johanson, that doens't mean that I can't be a threat to you Trent. That doesn't mean that I can't push you to the very limits.
Let me be real for a moment here... whatever happens, I'm going to give you the match of your life Helms, I'm not going to roll over like a bitch in a Joe Everyman RP to suck on your teet. I'm not going to bow down to what you've done in the past, and I'm not going to be intimidated just because you once were considered a top draw in this company. You can get some random wrestling magazine to announce you as the mother ****ing god of wrestling, and I wouldn't care... because nothing is going to stop me from walking to that ring and beating you until you're screaming I'm your daddy like I was Steve Awesome and you were Andrew Jacobsen. Then I might just molest you.. much like again... Andrewa Jacobsen's father did.
This is my time Trent, this is my time to be a star in NCW.... you can say you'll bury me, you can say that I'm nothing but a mid carder, but I've given this company more years of my life than you have, I've been seen in this place a lot more than you can ever be... sure it was as the Trauma commentator... but the point remains. I stayed here and worked my way to this point, I was around here busting my ass while watching the likes of Scotty Callaway coming in and embarrassing himself, all for this moment, all for this chance.... all for the opportunity to face one of NCW's “big names” and crush them.
I'm not going to let this chance slip through my fingers... just try to ****ing stop me.
I triple dog dare you.