Post by Steve Awesome on May 16, 2011 3:29:30 GMT -6
The musty smell is the first thing that grabs your attention and how it immediately singes your nostrils. Almost as bad as Trent Helms and his great mix of that never showers ever B.O and cigarette smoke smell that penetrates your nose when he comes walking by, but not quite. The creak of the floor boards are the second thing you notice. Short, quick footsteps that cause short, quick creaks. Almost like Trent Helms when you hear him crying and jerking off in his bed while he’s watching all those tapes he has of me and our past. You notice how dark it was, and pretty much empty of any real point aside from maybe three. Kind of like a Trent Helms promo. You extend your arms out word, hoping to just feel something….anything….the middle finger of your left hand grazes a wall and you quickly lean against it searching from something, some sort of clue to tell you where you are. Suddenly, you find a light switch! You flip it on and to your extreme, over the top horror…..
You find Steve Awesome leaning against the wall with his head exploded off his body! Some blood spurts out of the neck hole and his body just lays there against the wall. You gotta admit though, he was still dressed like a million bucks even for a guy with head blown off. He’s got that classy rich guy, meets punk rock sort of look. Corporate punk, but not like those pussies in Greenday, it’s way more sexy then that.
Enter Steve Awesome, stage right.
He walks in, dressed somehow even sexier then he looked when he was dead. I guess having the head sort of helps. He looks down at his dead body, dodges a couple more blood spurts and just sighs. He turns and looks at the camera.
“It finally happened people…..”
He laughs out loud with his hands on his hips.
“I realized I hate Trent Helms so much that the revelation was so much, my head exploded. My head literally exploded….”
He points down at his body on the floor.
“…it’s right there…”
He kicks it and it slumps to the ground.
“…head just instantly exploded. Pop, gone. I mean, he’s just so freaking stupid!!!! He’s just a hobbit with blue hair with an A.D.D problem. I swear, watching a Trent Helms promo is like watching Robot Chicken only way less funny and filmed by a retard. I mean, oh my god look…I’m Trent Helms…I watch TV and play Video Games…..references…..
One half of his hair suddenly turns purple and he cocks his head to the left, puts the peace sign up and makes a stupid, douche bag, a.d.d. enamored, grin like that stupid avatar Trent has in his profile. Fourth wall…broken.
“UGH….”
He quickly leans forward and grips his hair with his hands. He works hard to regulate his breathing and he slowly pulls his hands away from his hair. He keeps his head pointed down for a few moments and then slowly looks back up at the camera with an angry face, but he forces a smile out, almost to make you think he was fine even though it kind of appeared that he wasn’t.
“And then that thing with Layla….ho ho….that was top notch. Nice little play from my past, that was cute. Except, if that was Layla….then I’m the father of your child Trent.”
All of a sudden you hear a baby crying in the background. Suddenly, Trent’s baby momma walks into the shot holding Trent’s son Xian Helms!
“I wanted to keep this from you Trent, but Andrew Jacobsen isn’t the only child I purposely neglect because I’m an asshole….whatever your name was….would you like to say a few words?”
He shoves Trent’s baby momma forward and she glares back at him for a few seconds before Steve taps on his watch to tell her to hurry it up. She looks at the camera, completely dead pan.
“Your penis is small, and is oddly misshapen, looks like the fat you cut off a steak …..so I banged him. Nine months later, Xian was born. The end.”
Steve hands her a bag of tacos and slaps her on the ass as she walks away. He turns and looks at the camera flashing those pearly whites, too bad when Trent smiles his teeth are all yellow and nasty looking because he smokes cigarettes.
“She was always a sweetheart wasn’t she? Oh and by the way, Xian is such a stupid name. I decided to change his name to Kieth.”
In the background you can hear Trent Helms scream NOOOOOOOO!!!! Steve looks around to see where the sound comes from but he can’t it find so he shrugs it off and continues.
“And then there was the kitty fart thing…..”
He stops in his tracks and gives the camera a stern look. He slowly reaches up and pulls his sunglasses off revealing his piercing green eyes. The hatred and the adrenaline flickered in his eyes like a burning flame.
“That was pretty ****ing cute.”
He points to the screen and cocks an eyebrow.
“I’ll give you that…..well played on the kitty. Really made me feel all nice and warm and cuddly inside. But then the Friday video…..”
A look of shear terror appears on his face. The same face he made while making sweet passionate love to Andrea Jacobsen….and Mercedes Lewis…..pancake nipples……horrible…
“….WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SHOW THAT! You know what power it possesses!?”
Steve pans the camera over to find another headless Steve Awesome body slumped up against another corner of the room he was in. Blood spurts out of it before we pan back to the real Steve Awesome…..the one with the head.
“God, your sick. And I don’t mean with the cancer, I mean literally sick in the head. What kind of crap do they teach in you U.S.A’s gay little brother known as Canada? Showing that video man….good thing I stole the ability to respawn from Master Chief!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cut to a scene from Halo 3 where all the Red and Blue armored Chief’s are just talking when they notice Master Chief walk up.
Red: Hey watch this….
Red points his gun at Master Chief and blasts him away. They run up to him and start laughing.
Blue: Oh man…when he respawns he is gonna be so pissed….
Red: Ha ha, I know….what the hell is taking so long?”
They look down and see Chief start to bleed.
Blue: Christ dude, you actually killed him!
Red: Quickly, to my moms mini-van!”
They tire squeal the hell out of there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“But none of that stuff Trent, none of it truly matters. Even though it’s totally and completely and utterly annoying to know end, I don’t care about it. It’s just you being you. Your same old retarded self. It’s nothing compared to the grand finale Trent. It’s nothing compared to the thing I hate the most about you….”
He starts to scowl, his upper lip twitching as he thinks about it.
“….I hate that over-abundance of self-worth you display Trent…..”
His voice starts to get louder as he looks down at his hands and how the curl and tense up and turn white.
“…I hate how you think you can just waltz back into this company after being gone for three years, step up into MY FACE, and tell me that your gonna WHIP MY ASS! The Face of the Franchise, do you know what I’ve been doing while you were unemployed Trent? I was entertaining the masses and kicking all sorts of asses, while you were calling up Adam begging him to feed you. I was cementing my name Trent Helms, I was cementing a legacy, beating people all around the world, I was becoming a Legend in this business while you were out giving crack heads oral sex for drugs. I was being voted heel of the year, face of the year, feud of the year by the fans for three years straight! I was being INDUCTED, into the nCw HALL OF MOTHER ****ING FAME, while TMZ.com reported you dead somewhere in a ditch next to Andy Dick with your pants off. I won Road to the Gold, I’m a two time National Champion, a Tag team champion, a former world champion and the man who carried nCw on my back since the moment I busted on the scene all those years ago. And you Trent…..
He points into the camera.
“…you….”
He shakes his head, staring past the camera, bewildered by the thoughts rushing to the front of his mind.
“….a five foot seven, hundred and twenty pound, injury prone, babbling idiot whose biggest claim to fame was winning the world title for a month, defending against Sexy Jason, and then losing it to me in a crippling fashion. Congrats Trent, your title reign was as impressive as The Ace’s. And now that your back…..you think your some kind of God? Because you beat Joe Everyman and Simon Daye!? Because Roxxxie wanted to try and bang you that one time? Because your super cool best friends with Adam Knite!? What is it Trent? What makes you so damn cool and amazing? What makes you deserve the Hall of Fame? Because you were the first douche bag to lose the belt in thirty five days like a failure? Because your meaningless little accomplishments add up to one of my many? Am I getting warmer Trent, tell me if I am because I seriously want to know because I can’t figure it out for the life of me.”
He stays silent for a few moments. Just breathing. Inhale, exhale, slow and full. He rubs his palms down his face from his eyes down to the end of his chin.
“You think this is about our past. All the fighting we’ve done. You think this is how you screwed me out of the Coliseum. You think this is because of how we fought all over Louisiana and how you shoved me head first into the annals of Cat Lady….
He shudders.
…..pun reluctantly intended….
He shudders one more time.
“…but it’s not.”
He looks up into the camera.
“I Still hate you. With every fiber of my body Trent, I hate you. More then I’ve ever hated anything, even more then I hate Jim Belushi and Russel Brand combined…..but beating you up Trent, maiming you into a bloody, bruised, unidentifiable mess in front of twenty thousand blood thirsty fans this Sunday is merely a perk. Earning a chance to go on to face my best friend Rob Diamond for the title we bleed for is a desire I’d like to see fulfilled. But beating you at A Night To Remember is a necessity. It’s about redemption Trent. It’s about proving myself to the world….no….”
He slashes his hand through the air in front of him.
“..it’s about proving myself to myself. It’s about this moment right here…..”
A video clip begins to play from a Collision years past….
Collision 8/10/08
Steve Awesome begins to stomp away at Trent Helms on the outside, as The Ace is finally getting to his feet, even Kathy joins in, laying a few stomps to the nCw Champion, as she pulls something out from under her Shirt, revealing a pair of handcuffs, which she hands to Ace, who pulls the knocked out Trent up, and begins to handcuff him to the ringpost.
Eric Hardy: What the hell are the Smokin Aces doing?
Willy Carter: Making sure, Trent Helms doesn?t walk out of Battlegrounds with the nCw Championship.
Steve Awesome picks up the chair, as the Ace gets both of Trent?s arm wrapped around the ringpost, Before winding up, and nailing a Stiff Chairshot right to the wrist and Hand of Trent Helms, causing the nCw Champion to scream out in pain, Awesome winds up again, and slaps the chair once against the area, as Trent is losing it, Screaming in pain, Awesome just goes insane and repeatly begins to slam the chair into the Hand and Wrist of Trent Helms, as the Ace smiles.
“Let me show you that again…in slow motion….”
Trent is handcuffed to the post and Steve swings the chair as hard as he can directly into the wrist of Trent Helms as Trent screams out in pain in a low voice due to the slow motion. Steve does it again, then repeatedly as the gleam of the maniac sparkles in his eyes. He pauses it.
“Right there Trent. That moment right there. That’s what this is all about. It’s about writing a wrong. You see Trent, for everything I’ve done in my career. All the great things I’ve done, there still all greater then your whole career mind you, everything gets’ traced back to that moment. The moment where I shattered your wrist into a million gajillion pieces and gave myself a sure fire ticket to the nCw Championship. I....I took the easy way out Trent.”
He lowers his head and squeezes his eyes tight. It was hard, it was an emotional buildup, it’s something he had been avoiding saying for three entire years.
“And now there’s an asterisk. Everyone always says “what if?” They wonder if I can beat you cleanly. Hell sometimes…..when I’m by myself….”
He looks down toward the ground.
“…even I wonder if I can…”
He looks up. Tears pooling up in his eyes. The feeling in the bottom of his stomach, the anticipation, the butterflies, they were all hitting him at once.
“That’s why I saved you Trent. That’s why I stopped the Young Guns before they broke you into pieces. Because I have to find out. I have to prove myself Trent. And I will do absolutely anything I can to do so. And I want you to ask around, ask Adam, ask Kelly, ask Jacobsen, ask Gib, ask Angel and ask Falcon…and they’ll to you Trent…that when I say “anything” I absolutely….positively…mean….”
He steps forward as one lone tear drops from his eye. A tear of passion, a tear of anger, a tear of everything all mixed to together.
“****ing…
He whispers.
…anything”
He throws them up.
We open up near some gym in Tampa, Florida. In fact, it’s the same gym that Steve and Crystal went to sign autographs at. And it was the same gym with the alley near by where he saw some crazy ninja. Steve comes running down the street, he hangs a right into the alley and he stops to try and catch his breath.
“Hey….”
He say between gasps.
“….I did what you told me….”
He turns around, looking for some trace of the ninja with the star on her mask.
“….you were right about.....everything….
He glances in every direction but he doesn’t see anybody.
“Are you hear?”
His shoulders slump, his arms drop to his sides and he shoots all the air out through his mouth in discouragement. He sort of noticed how stupid he looked all of a sudden.
“…do you even exist?”
“Steve.”
“BAH!”
He clutches his chest and spins around. Why was he so jumpy in alley ways? Behind him, he finds an old man in ratted clothes and a big puffy white beard that hung down to the top of his chest. Looked like he definitely lived in the alley way, also smelled like it too.
“Steve Awesome? Hey you’re a wrestler ain’t ya?”
Awesome nodded but barely paid any attention.
“Want some drugs?”
“NO!”
Awesome shoves the homeless guy away and starts walking out of the alleyway. The old man called after him.
“I know Trent Helms too. He gave me a beejer for a hit once during some hard times…”
But Steve doesn’t listen. Instead he walks away discouraged, annoyed and embarrassed.
Little did he know….
...the ninja wasn’t too far away….
You find Steve Awesome leaning against the wall with his head exploded off his body! Some blood spurts out of the neck hole and his body just lays there against the wall. You gotta admit though, he was still dressed like a million bucks even for a guy with head blown off. He’s got that classy rich guy, meets punk rock sort of look. Corporate punk, but not like those pussies in Greenday, it’s way more sexy then that.
Enter Steve Awesome, stage right.
He walks in, dressed somehow even sexier then he looked when he was dead. I guess having the head sort of helps. He looks down at his dead body, dodges a couple more blood spurts and just sighs. He turns and looks at the camera.
“It finally happened people…..”
He laughs out loud with his hands on his hips.
“I realized I hate Trent Helms so much that the revelation was so much, my head exploded. My head literally exploded….”
He points down at his body on the floor.
“…it’s right there…”
He kicks it and it slumps to the ground.
“…head just instantly exploded. Pop, gone. I mean, he’s just so freaking stupid!!!! He’s just a hobbit with blue hair with an A.D.D problem. I swear, watching a Trent Helms promo is like watching Robot Chicken only way less funny and filmed by a retard. I mean, oh my god look…I’m Trent Helms…I watch TV and play Video Games…..references…..
One half of his hair suddenly turns purple and he cocks his head to the left, puts the peace sign up and makes a stupid, douche bag, a.d.d. enamored, grin like that stupid avatar Trent has in his profile. Fourth wall…broken.
“UGH….”
He quickly leans forward and grips his hair with his hands. He works hard to regulate his breathing and he slowly pulls his hands away from his hair. He keeps his head pointed down for a few moments and then slowly looks back up at the camera with an angry face, but he forces a smile out, almost to make you think he was fine even though it kind of appeared that he wasn’t.
“And then that thing with Layla….ho ho….that was top notch. Nice little play from my past, that was cute. Except, if that was Layla….then I’m the father of your child Trent.”
All of a sudden you hear a baby crying in the background. Suddenly, Trent’s baby momma walks into the shot holding Trent’s son Xian Helms!
“I wanted to keep this from you Trent, but Andrew Jacobsen isn’t the only child I purposely neglect because I’m an asshole….whatever your name was….would you like to say a few words?”
He shoves Trent’s baby momma forward and she glares back at him for a few seconds before Steve taps on his watch to tell her to hurry it up. She looks at the camera, completely dead pan.
“Your penis is small, and is oddly misshapen, looks like the fat you cut off a steak …..so I banged him. Nine months later, Xian was born. The end.”
Steve hands her a bag of tacos and slaps her on the ass as she walks away. He turns and looks at the camera flashing those pearly whites, too bad when Trent smiles his teeth are all yellow and nasty looking because he smokes cigarettes.
“She was always a sweetheart wasn’t she? Oh and by the way, Xian is such a stupid name. I decided to change his name to Kieth.”
In the background you can hear Trent Helms scream NOOOOOOOO!!!! Steve looks around to see where the sound comes from but he can’t it find so he shrugs it off and continues.
“And then there was the kitty fart thing…..”
He stops in his tracks and gives the camera a stern look. He slowly reaches up and pulls his sunglasses off revealing his piercing green eyes. The hatred and the adrenaline flickered in his eyes like a burning flame.
“That was pretty ****ing cute.”
He points to the screen and cocks an eyebrow.
“I’ll give you that…..well played on the kitty. Really made me feel all nice and warm and cuddly inside. But then the Friday video…..”
A look of shear terror appears on his face. The same face he made while making sweet passionate love to Andrea Jacobsen….and Mercedes Lewis…..pancake nipples……horrible…
“….WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SHOW THAT! You know what power it possesses!?”
Steve pans the camera over to find another headless Steve Awesome body slumped up against another corner of the room he was in. Blood spurts out of it before we pan back to the real Steve Awesome…..the one with the head.
“God, your sick. And I don’t mean with the cancer, I mean literally sick in the head. What kind of crap do they teach in you U.S.A’s gay little brother known as Canada? Showing that video man….good thing I stole the ability to respawn from Master Chief!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cut to a scene from Halo 3 where all the Red and Blue armored Chief’s are just talking when they notice Master Chief walk up.
Red: Hey watch this….
Red points his gun at Master Chief and blasts him away. They run up to him and start laughing.
Blue: Oh man…when he respawns he is gonna be so pissed….
Red: Ha ha, I know….what the hell is taking so long?”
They look down and see Chief start to bleed.
Blue: Christ dude, you actually killed him!
Red: Quickly, to my moms mini-van!”
They tire squeal the hell out of there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“But none of that stuff Trent, none of it truly matters. Even though it’s totally and completely and utterly annoying to know end, I don’t care about it. It’s just you being you. Your same old retarded self. It’s nothing compared to the grand finale Trent. It’s nothing compared to the thing I hate the most about you….”
He starts to scowl, his upper lip twitching as he thinks about it.
“….I hate that over-abundance of self-worth you display Trent…..”
His voice starts to get louder as he looks down at his hands and how the curl and tense up and turn white.
“…I hate how you think you can just waltz back into this company after being gone for three years, step up into MY FACE, and tell me that your gonna WHIP MY ASS! The Face of the Franchise, do you know what I’ve been doing while you were unemployed Trent? I was entertaining the masses and kicking all sorts of asses, while you were calling up Adam begging him to feed you. I was cementing my name Trent Helms, I was cementing a legacy, beating people all around the world, I was becoming a Legend in this business while you were out giving crack heads oral sex for drugs. I was being voted heel of the year, face of the year, feud of the year by the fans for three years straight! I was being INDUCTED, into the nCw HALL OF MOTHER ****ING FAME, while TMZ.com reported you dead somewhere in a ditch next to Andy Dick with your pants off. I won Road to the Gold, I’m a two time National Champion, a Tag team champion, a former world champion and the man who carried nCw on my back since the moment I busted on the scene all those years ago. And you Trent…..
He points into the camera.
“…you….”
He shakes his head, staring past the camera, bewildered by the thoughts rushing to the front of his mind.
“….a five foot seven, hundred and twenty pound, injury prone, babbling idiot whose biggest claim to fame was winning the world title for a month, defending against Sexy Jason, and then losing it to me in a crippling fashion. Congrats Trent, your title reign was as impressive as The Ace’s. And now that your back…..you think your some kind of God? Because you beat Joe Everyman and Simon Daye!? Because Roxxxie wanted to try and bang you that one time? Because your super cool best friends with Adam Knite!? What is it Trent? What makes you so damn cool and amazing? What makes you deserve the Hall of Fame? Because you were the first douche bag to lose the belt in thirty five days like a failure? Because your meaningless little accomplishments add up to one of my many? Am I getting warmer Trent, tell me if I am because I seriously want to know because I can’t figure it out for the life of me.”
He stays silent for a few moments. Just breathing. Inhale, exhale, slow and full. He rubs his palms down his face from his eyes down to the end of his chin.
“You think this is about our past. All the fighting we’ve done. You think this is how you screwed me out of the Coliseum. You think this is because of how we fought all over Louisiana and how you shoved me head first into the annals of Cat Lady….
He shudders.
…..pun reluctantly intended….
He shudders one more time.
“…but it’s not.”
He looks up into the camera.
“I Still hate you. With every fiber of my body Trent, I hate you. More then I’ve ever hated anything, even more then I hate Jim Belushi and Russel Brand combined…..but beating you up Trent, maiming you into a bloody, bruised, unidentifiable mess in front of twenty thousand blood thirsty fans this Sunday is merely a perk. Earning a chance to go on to face my best friend Rob Diamond for the title we bleed for is a desire I’d like to see fulfilled. But beating you at A Night To Remember is a necessity. It’s about redemption Trent. It’s about proving myself to the world….no….”
He slashes his hand through the air in front of him.
“..it’s about proving myself to myself. It’s about this moment right here…..”
A video clip begins to play from a Collision years past….
Collision 8/10/08
Steve Awesome begins to stomp away at Trent Helms on the outside, as The Ace is finally getting to his feet, even Kathy joins in, laying a few stomps to the nCw Champion, as she pulls something out from under her Shirt, revealing a pair of handcuffs, which she hands to Ace, who pulls the knocked out Trent up, and begins to handcuff him to the ringpost.
Eric Hardy: What the hell are the Smokin Aces doing?
Willy Carter: Making sure, Trent Helms doesn?t walk out of Battlegrounds with the nCw Championship.
Steve Awesome picks up the chair, as the Ace gets both of Trent?s arm wrapped around the ringpost, Before winding up, and nailing a Stiff Chairshot right to the wrist and Hand of Trent Helms, causing the nCw Champion to scream out in pain, Awesome winds up again, and slaps the chair once against the area, as Trent is losing it, Screaming in pain, Awesome just goes insane and repeatly begins to slam the chair into the Hand and Wrist of Trent Helms, as the Ace smiles.
“Let me show you that again…in slow motion….”
Trent is handcuffed to the post and Steve swings the chair as hard as he can directly into the wrist of Trent Helms as Trent screams out in pain in a low voice due to the slow motion. Steve does it again, then repeatedly as the gleam of the maniac sparkles in his eyes. He pauses it.
“Right there Trent. That moment right there. That’s what this is all about. It’s about writing a wrong. You see Trent, for everything I’ve done in my career. All the great things I’ve done, there still all greater then your whole career mind you, everything gets’ traced back to that moment. The moment where I shattered your wrist into a million gajillion pieces and gave myself a sure fire ticket to the nCw Championship. I....I took the easy way out Trent.”
He lowers his head and squeezes his eyes tight. It was hard, it was an emotional buildup, it’s something he had been avoiding saying for three entire years.
“And now there’s an asterisk. Everyone always says “what if?” They wonder if I can beat you cleanly. Hell sometimes…..when I’m by myself….”
He looks down toward the ground.
“…even I wonder if I can…”
He looks up. Tears pooling up in his eyes. The feeling in the bottom of his stomach, the anticipation, the butterflies, they were all hitting him at once.
“That’s why I saved you Trent. That’s why I stopped the Young Guns before they broke you into pieces. Because I have to find out. I have to prove myself Trent. And I will do absolutely anything I can to do so. And I want you to ask around, ask Adam, ask Kelly, ask Jacobsen, ask Gib, ask Angel and ask Falcon…and they’ll to you Trent…that when I say “anything” I absolutely….positively…mean….”
He steps forward as one lone tear drops from his eye. A tear of passion, a tear of anger, a tear of everything all mixed to together.
“****ing…
He whispers.
…anything”
He throws them up.
We open up near some gym in Tampa, Florida. In fact, it’s the same gym that Steve and Crystal went to sign autographs at. And it was the same gym with the alley near by where he saw some crazy ninja. Steve comes running down the street, he hangs a right into the alley and he stops to try and catch his breath.
“Hey….”
He say between gasps.
“….I did what you told me….”
He turns around, looking for some trace of the ninja with the star on her mask.
“….you were right about.....everything….
He glances in every direction but he doesn’t see anybody.
“Are you hear?”
His shoulders slump, his arms drop to his sides and he shoots all the air out through his mouth in discouragement. He sort of noticed how stupid he looked all of a sudden.
“…do you even exist?”
“Steve.”
“BAH!”
He clutches his chest and spins around. Why was he so jumpy in alley ways? Behind him, he finds an old man in ratted clothes and a big puffy white beard that hung down to the top of his chest. Looked like he definitely lived in the alley way, also smelled like it too.
“Steve Awesome? Hey you’re a wrestler ain’t ya?”
Awesome nodded but barely paid any attention.
“Want some drugs?”
“NO!”
Awesome shoves the homeless guy away and starts walking out of the alleyway. The old man called after him.
“I know Trent Helms too. He gave me a beejer for a hit once during some hard times…”
But Steve doesn’t listen. Instead he walks away discouraged, annoyed and embarrassed.
Little did he know….
...the ninja wasn’t too far away….