Post by Steve Awesome on May 17, 2011 16:55:18 GMT -6
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know….I don’t really see it.”
We open our scene to a shot of Rob Diamond and Zelda Knite enjoying a nice continental breakfast in the dining room of there hotel room. They seem to be look at some African American man eating an omelet three tables away from them.
“Seriously?”
Zelda shrugs and shoves a bite of syrupy pancakes into her mouth.
“Eh….maybe if I close my left eye and squint with the other one.”
Rob turns and looks at the love of his life with that “are you for real” blank stare.
“You honestly don’t think that guy looks like a black Billy Zane?”
Zelda just shakes her head and Rob sighs. It was at this point that Crystal Hilton appears and grabs a chair on the opposite side of the table.
“Crystal…what’s wrong?”
It was that best friend esp. She could tell that something was on Crystal’s mind before it she even said a word. Plus the running mascara sort of gave it away.
“It’s Steve…..”
Rob and Zelda shoot each other a quick glance. The same glance you give your friend whenever TNA screws something up. You knew it was coming, you just didn’t know when or how. Zelda goes to say something but Rob stops her.
“I got this. Look Crystal, I don’t wanna be that guy who says he told you so and laughs in your face but uh….I told you so! HA HA HA HA OW!”
Zelda jabs the point of her elbow in her man’s rib cage. Rob glares at her and rubs the tender spot while Zelda gets up and moves around the table to console her best friend, she wraps her arm around her and pulls her in tight for a hug.
“I’m sorry that Steve Awesome is an asshole. But he’s a con artist. He gets what he wants from girls and then kicks them out on the street. He’s a pig. It sucks that he left you, but we will get through this together.”
Crystal pulls herself away from the hug and stares at Rob and Zelda. Almost a little angered that they would even suggest such a thing.
“He didn’t leave me. We’ve had tons of sex already and he just asks for more, remember when I was walking crooked a few days ago? It’s because of Steve.”
Rob nearly spits out his coke from laughter.
“Ha Ha…oh man….you know that’s right! Ha ha OW!”
Zelda kicks him in the shin from under the table. She glares at him for a few moments before turning back to look at Crystal.
“It’s actually kind of the opposite. All he wants to do is stay home and work on his strategy for facing Trent Helms. He’s watching tapes and working on his cardio, he asked me if I wanted to stay and spend time with him while he does it, but that sounds so boring! I want to go out, I want to have fun, I want someone to tend to every one of my high-maintenance needs! Is that too much to ask!?”
She quickly buries her head into Zelda’s shoulder and starts to cry.
“It’s okay Crystal. You have to remember that Steve is a professional. This match and everything involved means so much to him, he’s going to be a little obsessive over it this week.”
Crystal pulls her head up from Zelda’s shoulder, sniffling and her lower lip quivering.
“But….but….I want him to be obsessive over meeeeeee!”
The tears start rolling again and she dives back into Zelda’s shoulder.
“I’ll tell you what Crystal. Rob will try to talk to him. See if he can get Steve to lighten up a little this week.”
Crystal pulls her head back up and looks at Rob. Her eyes were still all teary and she was still sniffling a little but it seemed like she might stop crying.
“You’d do that for me, Rob?”
Rob shrugs.
“Judging by the glare on Zelda’s face, I don’t think I could say no.”
Crystal turns to look at Zelda who quickly changes her glare to a smile before Crystal notices anything weird.
“You guys are great friends. I mean that! Thank you so much!”
She hugs them both and skips away all happy again.
“That girl….she has issues.”
“ROB!”
Zelda grabs a nearby spoon and chucks it at his head. But Rob’s a bad mamma jamma and dodges it with a head tilt. It flies past him and lands with a thud!
“What the hell!?”
Rob turns around to see where it came from.
“Oh crap! Black Billy Zane is pissed! Let’s bail!”
Rob and Zelda gather there things, drop some cash on the table and get the hell out of there before Black Billy Zane realizes what hit him.
It’s night time now and we find Steve Awesome sitting on a bus. On the other side of the aisle and back a seat was an old lady taking her time knitting as they ride along on the bus route. Steve had his eyes pointed out the window, watching the stars pass by. Slowly he turns and looks at the camera.
“Well, I’m ****ed.”
He sighs.
“Apparently, I wasn’t able to get inside Trent Helm’s head the other day with my promo filled with scary threats and evil promises. And I was trying so hard too. I said to myself before I sat down to talk that if this promo didn’t get into his head and scare him well then I was going to be screwed. I mean there’s no coming back from it now. I guess I should just get on a bus and leave town forever.”
Steve glances around himself. Holy crap, he was already on a bus that was leaving town. But it wasn’t going to be for forever. Just a pit stop really.
“Don’t worry Trent, I’m not doing that. I wouldn’t dream of giving you the satisfaction. Do you think I care if your not scared of me? Do you think it bothers me that you sat down and thought of ten different ways to call me a pussy? Lot’s of people try to run there fat mouths and tell me I’ve lost it, tell me I can cut it anymore, but you know what happens after that? I go down to the ring, beat the hell out of them and win the damn match and give them a concrete reason why they should always fear me. It’s no snot out of my nose, buddy boy. It really isn’t, hell this is just par for the course for me. What you gave me Trent, is the typical second promo piece. The first promo you gave me your best hand, and I took it and crapped all over it, I took your best work, all the crazy tangents and internet jokes and in return I gave you emotion, I gave you reality, I gave the people a reason to actually watch a promo without having all the same joke’s they herd on Tosh.0 two weeks ago, and now all you can do is try to drag my name through the mud and call me a pussy? Your going to call me a failure?
He laughs to himself.
“Me? A pussy? Seriously? The guy who has been breaking your bones and kicking your little bitch ass all over the world since two thousand eight is a pussy? I broke your wrist Trent. I snapped your back in half Trent, I fought you all over Louisiana, We fell thirty feet off the tron, I was two seconds away from giving you a Lethal Injection when we were in the hospital but a nurse had to stop me, saying that it was “illegal” or something. I’ve been making you my own personal bitch for years, but you feel the need to ignore all that because I decided to show a little humility for once in my life. I decided to show the world a brief glimpse of a humble Steve Awesome who, just this one time, wants to accomplish something without taking the easy road first. If that makes me a pussy then screw it, I guess I’m a pussy. A big, fat, sopping wet teen pussy with the landing strip and a piercing on the hood. Because I still stand by everything I said the other day. I need to beat you clean in the middle of the ring and I’m not doing it for anybody but myself, Trent.
“Oh but wait…crap….that’s right I’m a failure too. The guy whose been undefeated for the better part of this year, the guy whose number two in the rankings to my home slizzle Robby D, I’m a failure. Right. That sucks. Seriously Trent, who are you trying to fool? Me or yourself? Because I know I’m not a failure. There are so many things on the nCw website that prove otherwise, hell the only time I was ever legitimately defeated for the world title was against Falcon after I wasted my damn time setting up a cameo by you in my promo that absolutely nobody in the world cared about. Last world title shot I had, I actually won after Brad Kane punched me in the dick. The only failure that I’ve ever really had in my life Trent, is not killing you when I had the chance. But I will this Sunday, you can bet on that. You can sit there and try to be the cool guy in all of this and act like the things I say don’t effect you, you can say your bored and you can call me a pussy but we all know that’s what people say when they have no idea how to actually respond with some something educated or witty. Poor Falcon has had to deal with that sort of thing his whole life. Your nothing new chump.”
He turns his head back to the window to watch the starry night zoom past.
Earlier that day, but a little while after breakfast. We’ll just say Brunch time. Steve Awesome it sitting on his sofa, feet up, watching a tape of Trent Helms. He notices how every Trent promo follows the same formula. Petty insults, pop culture reference of the week, woodland critters, and a whole bunch of other jokes that he couldn’t think up by himself. It’s funny how Steve get’s chastised for doing the same thing over and over again, but at least Steve comes up with his own jokes. Just another instance of Trent Helms calling the kettle black….wich is often because Trent Helms is a racist.
Steve was just about to put the DVD in of the match where Adam Knite beats the crap out of Trent in a leather strap match a few years ago, not for learning purposes but just because it’s awesome to watch, when the Friendship Song by Tenacious D begins to play on his cell phone. Steve grabs it and a picture of Rob Diamond, passed out on a sofa with penises drawn all over him with black marker pops up on the screen. Steve quickly answers it.
“What’s up bromes?”
Steve says, putting the cellular device on speaker and setting it on the coffee table next to the porno that Trent was in. Not for learning purposes but to confirm the tinyness of Trent’s pee pee.
“Oh nothing. Saw a black dude that looked like Billy Zane today.”
“Sweet. Did you talk to him?”
“No, but Zelda threw a spoon at him.”
“Well that was classy of her.”
“Right, right. So anyway, I herd you’ve become a recluse lately.”
“What do you mean?”
“Crystal says you haven’t left your house since you got back from Collision the other day. I was wondering if I should bring six or fifty cats over there to help keep you company.”
Awesome grabs the phone and pulls it closer to his mouth.
“Oh ha ha, very funny. I’m not being a recluse. Crystal just doesn’t get how important this is to me. I have to beat him dude, I just have too.”
“Come on man, do you really have to beat him that bad or are you just saying that so you can add dramatic effect to your rp’s?”
Awesome glares at the phone in his hand.
“Don’t break the fourth wall at me bro. This is serious. This is big time serious. Remember when you couldn’t get a win on Falcon and how pissed off and hungry it made you? How you pretty much whipped the asses of everyone else but that dirty bird just kept getting the best of you no matter how hard you tried?”
“Yeah…..”
“But then you finally got the win, you finally defeated him, and a weight was lifted off your shoulders. Everything that you felt had been holding you back was gone and you eventually went on to become the sexiest world champion since myself.”
“Of course I remember that, man. It’s one of my greatest moments in life. Right up there with meeting Zelda and playing the new Mortal Kombat game. I’ve been through a lot of wars man, but none of them have come close to me vs. Falcon.”
“Exactly! This match, it’s huge. It’s **** it, I quit if I lose huge. It means pounding Trent’s head into the mat and no one will stop me. It means a chance at the world championship, but most of all, it’s a chance to finally remove all the reasonable doubt that anyone has ever had about me. I may be obsessing a little too much about it, I may have neglected a shower for a while, but this match dude…..it’s pretty much life or death.”
There was a silence on the phone after that. Both men taking a second to let it all sink in. Awesome looks forward. Past the TV and into his own thoughts.
“…..So it’s going to be Infamous colliding in the main event of Reborn I assume?”
Steve smiles.
“That, or my funeral.”
Were back on the bus. Awesome sit’s casually in his seat, the old lady in the background has half a sweater made, already. It’s been a long trip so far, but Steve just sits back and waits patiently. Whatever the destination was, it had to be worth it.
“But the thing that get’s me. The thing that surprises me is the that you think I’ve lost my killer instinct. You think I’m not the same guy who would cock slap a man with my penis just because it’s considered a deadly weapon in a few third world countries. You think I won’t be able to pull the trigger this Sunday just because I saved you from the Young Guns last week and I shed a tear the other day. And all I have to say is….don’t be so stupid.”
He slowly shakes his head.
“I’m still him. The dark side Trent, it never leaves. It’s always here, telling me to do things. Do you know how hard it was for me to stop the Young Guns from breaking your wrist the other day? Do you have any idea of the inner turmoil I’ve had to deal with because of that? The whole week leading up to the moment I had dreams of your demise Trent. I had this image in my mind where every member of the Guns had there one of your appendages in there hands and they just pulled and pulled until you ripped in half like the Mongols did a long, long time ago. I would day dream, about how Venom, Trish, Roberto, and Andrew would just pummel you into a bloody pile of muck to the point where you became a quadriplegic and then I would take your wheel chair and leave you in the middle of the interstate during rush hour traffic. GOD! Call me sick in the head Trent, but I really did wanna get a tape of your death and use it to help me jerk off later that night. It would have been hot.”
Don’t you just love when he talks dirty?
“But I didn’t. I thought ahead, one week in advance, and I realized if I had that happen it would have been 2008 all over again and I can’t let that happen. So I spared you Trent. I shoved all my deepest, darkest fantasies to the side and asked Venom and the rest to stop before you got too hurt. But don’t let that lapse in judgment fool you. This Sunday…..your all mine. This Sunday, inside that Dragons Den, it becomes my personal playground. Years ago, the Romans sat in Coliseums and watched lions eat Christians. This Sunday, twenty thousand plus with fill in to watch Steve Awesome decimate Trent Helms once and for all. They get to watch my dark side take over, they get to watch as I beat your tiny pathetic ass so bad that I’ll literally be able to **** in your mouth and make you swallow it, then I will sew your own lips to your own butt hole and the world will watch as you human centipede your own self for my own personal amusement. This Sunday Trent…..I will take my hands and I will wrapped them around your throat and I will squeeze until you can’t breathe. Then I will fart in your face while your gasping for air so you can taste my own fart gas. And then Trent, I WILL kill you dead…..
He glares into the camera. A lot of people use the term “kill or murder” in there promos to help beef things up. But this time it was different, you felt like he really meant it, and it kind of scared you. Even the old lady in the background stared at Steve in fear.
“….or I will die trying to make it happen.”
Awesome’s head snaps in the direction of the old lady.
“WHAT THE **** ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?”
The old lady quickly looks away and goes back to her sweater as Steve turns his attention back to the window.
Even later that day. The sun was starting to set but Steve wouldn’t know. He has been locked away in his gym, working out with a jump rope. The rope whirls around him, whooshing past at break neck speed. His t-shirt, drenched, his hair dripping in sweat. His breaths were tight and sharp but he keeps his eyes on the clock. The minute hand finally reaches the twelve once again and after an hour of strenuous cardio Steve drops to his knees and gasps for air. He had been jumping rope for an hour straight in order to train to face Trent. It’s not what Trent Helms does, where he turns super saiyan and trains in a hyperbolic chamber in space with ten times the Earths gravity. No, this is training that actually happens in real life.
Steve grabs a bottle of water and squirts the liquid into his mouth but instantly starts choking because he still hasn’t caught his breath. It was at this moment that Crystal Hilton comes rushing into the room to his side.
“Oh my God, are you alright?”
She helps him up to the bench and Steve takes a seat. His lungs strain themselves to pull in air after such a strenuous work out. He tries to say yes, but can’t, so he just nods his head.
“No your not, Steve. You can barely breathe. Maybe it’s time to take a break? I’m really worried about you.”
Steve presses against his chest. He can feel his muscles burning, he can feel his lungs working over time, he can feel his pulse running a mile a minute but he didn’t care. It all just meant so much.
“No….”
He says between breaths.
“..this….match….”
Crystal cuts him off.
“I know. I know. Rob told me everything. I understand how much it means to you and I want nothing more then to see your hand raised at A Night to Remember for the fourth straight time but seriously Steve…is it worth doing this to yourself? Is it worth risking everything else around you? Is it worth nearly killing yourself?”
He thought about it. How far was he willing to go? Exactly where was the breaking point? How would his life change is he wasn’t victorious? He stands up, and starts heading to the door.
“I’m going to fix this Crystal.”
She tries to stop him.
“What are you doing?”
But he pulls his arm away.
“Something I should have done along time ago.”
Back on the bus. The old lady has finally finished the sweater she was working on and now she’s working on a “call the police” sign she can show people as they drive by to help protect them from Steve. Finally the bus comes to a halt and the bus driver gets on the P.A system.
“Thank you for taking the tour of Canada’s lesser known celebrities. To your left you’ll see pro wrestler Trent Helm’s home. Next stop, Avril Lavigne.”
Awesome quickly gets off the bus and starts walking up the walk way when suddenly a voice stops him.
“Is that a lead pipe in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”
Awesome turns around to find the ninja with the star on her mask. He quickly pulls out a lead pipe from his pants.
“It is a lead pipe actually. How in the hell did you know I was going to show up hear?”
The ninja shrugs.
“I followed you and the bus in my mom’s Sedan.”
She points at a car parked behind the giant bus.
“That’s not very ninja like. Shouldn’t you be hopping over roof tops and stuff?”
“What is this? Assassin’s Creed? It’s two thousand eleven, not ancient Greece.”
Steve rolls his eyes.
“Yeah, well your not going to stop me.”
“From?”
He points at Trent’s house with the lead pipe.
“Walking up to that house and bashing Trent Helm’s skull in with this pipe and getting all this over with once and for all. So I can be happy again.”
He starts heading up the walk way with death in his eyes.
“That’s not going to change anything. It’s still going to affect you. What happened to all that talk about redemption? All that talk about honor?”
“Pfft…I’m Steve Awesome. That stuff isn’t really my style! I’d much rather bash his brain through his nostrils and then cock slap him because he asked me so nicely.”
The ninja doesn’t miss a beat.
“Fine. Take the easy way out, like you always do. Prove Trent right, it’s not my reputation.”
Awesome turns around and points the pipe at the ninja instead.
“I’m getting really sick of these riddles and these games. Who do you think you are? Falcon?”
She shakes her head.
“No. Because you actually listen to me and what I have to say.”
Steve stops to think about that one.
“This one time Steve, work for it. Put all your chips on the table and see how the flop turns. It means more then you realize.”
Awesome uses his free hand to grip his hair.
“But….but what happens if I lose? What happens if he beats me and I lose it all? Then what?”
The ninja shakes her head.
“If you want this as bad as you say you do….you won’t.”
Awesome looks at the pipe in his hand then back at Trent’s home.
“Get back on the bus, Steve. Before it’s too late…..”
He hesitates for a few moments before ultimately throwing the pipe into the grass.
“I swear, if this all blows up in my face….”
“Then by all means, murder him. Rip his face off and feed it to his child.”
Awesome steps up to the bus.
“Wow…that’s pretty sick.”
But when he turns around…she was gone.
“I don’t know….I don’t really see it.”
We open our scene to a shot of Rob Diamond and Zelda Knite enjoying a nice continental breakfast in the dining room of there hotel room. They seem to be look at some African American man eating an omelet three tables away from them.
“Seriously?”
Zelda shrugs and shoves a bite of syrupy pancakes into her mouth.
“Eh….maybe if I close my left eye and squint with the other one.”
Rob turns and looks at the love of his life with that “are you for real” blank stare.
“You honestly don’t think that guy looks like a black Billy Zane?”
Zelda just shakes her head and Rob sighs. It was at this point that Crystal Hilton appears and grabs a chair on the opposite side of the table.
“Crystal…what’s wrong?”
It was that best friend esp. She could tell that something was on Crystal’s mind before it she even said a word. Plus the running mascara sort of gave it away.
“It’s Steve…..”
Rob and Zelda shoot each other a quick glance. The same glance you give your friend whenever TNA screws something up. You knew it was coming, you just didn’t know when or how. Zelda goes to say something but Rob stops her.
“I got this. Look Crystal, I don’t wanna be that guy who says he told you so and laughs in your face but uh….I told you so! HA HA HA HA OW!”
Zelda jabs the point of her elbow in her man’s rib cage. Rob glares at her and rubs the tender spot while Zelda gets up and moves around the table to console her best friend, she wraps her arm around her and pulls her in tight for a hug.
“I’m sorry that Steve Awesome is an asshole. But he’s a con artist. He gets what he wants from girls and then kicks them out on the street. He’s a pig. It sucks that he left you, but we will get through this together.”
Crystal pulls herself away from the hug and stares at Rob and Zelda. Almost a little angered that they would even suggest such a thing.
“He didn’t leave me. We’ve had tons of sex already and he just asks for more, remember when I was walking crooked a few days ago? It’s because of Steve.”
Rob nearly spits out his coke from laughter.
“Ha Ha…oh man….you know that’s right! Ha ha OW!”
Zelda kicks him in the shin from under the table. She glares at him for a few moments before turning back to look at Crystal.
“It’s actually kind of the opposite. All he wants to do is stay home and work on his strategy for facing Trent Helms. He’s watching tapes and working on his cardio, he asked me if I wanted to stay and spend time with him while he does it, but that sounds so boring! I want to go out, I want to have fun, I want someone to tend to every one of my high-maintenance needs! Is that too much to ask!?”
She quickly buries her head into Zelda’s shoulder and starts to cry.
“It’s okay Crystal. You have to remember that Steve is a professional. This match and everything involved means so much to him, he’s going to be a little obsessive over it this week.”
Crystal pulls her head up from Zelda’s shoulder, sniffling and her lower lip quivering.
“But….but….I want him to be obsessive over meeeeeee!”
The tears start rolling again and she dives back into Zelda’s shoulder.
“I’ll tell you what Crystal. Rob will try to talk to him. See if he can get Steve to lighten up a little this week.”
Crystal pulls her head back up and looks at Rob. Her eyes were still all teary and she was still sniffling a little but it seemed like she might stop crying.
“You’d do that for me, Rob?”
Rob shrugs.
“Judging by the glare on Zelda’s face, I don’t think I could say no.”
Crystal turns to look at Zelda who quickly changes her glare to a smile before Crystal notices anything weird.
“You guys are great friends. I mean that! Thank you so much!”
She hugs them both and skips away all happy again.
“That girl….she has issues.”
“ROB!”
Zelda grabs a nearby spoon and chucks it at his head. But Rob’s a bad mamma jamma and dodges it with a head tilt. It flies past him and lands with a thud!
“What the hell!?”
Rob turns around to see where it came from.
“Oh crap! Black Billy Zane is pissed! Let’s bail!”
Rob and Zelda gather there things, drop some cash on the table and get the hell out of there before Black Billy Zane realizes what hit him.
It’s night time now and we find Steve Awesome sitting on a bus. On the other side of the aisle and back a seat was an old lady taking her time knitting as they ride along on the bus route. Steve had his eyes pointed out the window, watching the stars pass by. Slowly he turns and looks at the camera.
“Well, I’m ****ed.”
He sighs.
“Apparently, I wasn’t able to get inside Trent Helm’s head the other day with my promo filled with scary threats and evil promises. And I was trying so hard too. I said to myself before I sat down to talk that if this promo didn’t get into his head and scare him well then I was going to be screwed. I mean there’s no coming back from it now. I guess I should just get on a bus and leave town forever.”
Steve glances around himself. Holy crap, he was already on a bus that was leaving town. But it wasn’t going to be for forever. Just a pit stop really.
“Don’t worry Trent, I’m not doing that. I wouldn’t dream of giving you the satisfaction. Do you think I care if your not scared of me? Do you think it bothers me that you sat down and thought of ten different ways to call me a pussy? Lot’s of people try to run there fat mouths and tell me I’ve lost it, tell me I can cut it anymore, but you know what happens after that? I go down to the ring, beat the hell out of them and win the damn match and give them a concrete reason why they should always fear me. It’s no snot out of my nose, buddy boy. It really isn’t, hell this is just par for the course for me. What you gave me Trent, is the typical second promo piece. The first promo you gave me your best hand, and I took it and crapped all over it, I took your best work, all the crazy tangents and internet jokes and in return I gave you emotion, I gave you reality, I gave the people a reason to actually watch a promo without having all the same joke’s they herd on Tosh.0 two weeks ago, and now all you can do is try to drag my name through the mud and call me a pussy? Your going to call me a failure?
He laughs to himself.
“Me? A pussy? Seriously? The guy who has been breaking your bones and kicking your little bitch ass all over the world since two thousand eight is a pussy? I broke your wrist Trent. I snapped your back in half Trent, I fought you all over Louisiana, We fell thirty feet off the tron, I was two seconds away from giving you a Lethal Injection when we were in the hospital but a nurse had to stop me, saying that it was “illegal” or something. I’ve been making you my own personal bitch for years, but you feel the need to ignore all that because I decided to show a little humility for once in my life. I decided to show the world a brief glimpse of a humble Steve Awesome who, just this one time, wants to accomplish something without taking the easy road first. If that makes me a pussy then screw it, I guess I’m a pussy. A big, fat, sopping wet teen pussy with the landing strip and a piercing on the hood. Because I still stand by everything I said the other day. I need to beat you clean in the middle of the ring and I’m not doing it for anybody but myself, Trent.
“Oh but wait…crap….that’s right I’m a failure too. The guy whose been undefeated for the better part of this year, the guy whose number two in the rankings to my home slizzle Robby D, I’m a failure. Right. That sucks. Seriously Trent, who are you trying to fool? Me or yourself? Because I know I’m not a failure. There are so many things on the nCw website that prove otherwise, hell the only time I was ever legitimately defeated for the world title was against Falcon after I wasted my damn time setting up a cameo by you in my promo that absolutely nobody in the world cared about. Last world title shot I had, I actually won after Brad Kane punched me in the dick. The only failure that I’ve ever really had in my life Trent, is not killing you when I had the chance. But I will this Sunday, you can bet on that. You can sit there and try to be the cool guy in all of this and act like the things I say don’t effect you, you can say your bored and you can call me a pussy but we all know that’s what people say when they have no idea how to actually respond with some something educated or witty. Poor Falcon has had to deal with that sort of thing his whole life. Your nothing new chump.”
He turns his head back to the window to watch the starry night zoom past.
Earlier that day, but a little while after breakfast. We’ll just say Brunch time. Steve Awesome it sitting on his sofa, feet up, watching a tape of Trent Helms. He notices how every Trent promo follows the same formula. Petty insults, pop culture reference of the week, woodland critters, and a whole bunch of other jokes that he couldn’t think up by himself. It’s funny how Steve get’s chastised for doing the same thing over and over again, but at least Steve comes up with his own jokes. Just another instance of Trent Helms calling the kettle black….wich is often because Trent Helms is a racist.
Steve was just about to put the DVD in of the match where Adam Knite beats the crap out of Trent in a leather strap match a few years ago, not for learning purposes but just because it’s awesome to watch, when the Friendship Song by Tenacious D begins to play on his cell phone. Steve grabs it and a picture of Rob Diamond, passed out on a sofa with penises drawn all over him with black marker pops up on the screen. Steve quickly answers it.
“What’s up bromes?”
Steve says, putting the cellular device on speaker and setting it on the coffee table next to the porno that Trent was in. Not for learning purposes but to confirm the tinyness of Trent’s pee pee.
“Oh nothing. Saw a black dude that looked like Billy Zane today.”
“Sweet. Did you talk to him?”
“No, but Zelda threw a spoon at him.”
“Well that was classy of her.”
“Right, right. So anyway, I herd you’ve become a recluse lately.”
“What do you mean?”
“Crystal says you haven’t left your house since you got back from Collision the other day. I was wondering if I should bring six or fifty cats over there to help keep you company.”
Awesome grabs the phone and pulls it closer to his mouth.
“Oh ha ha, very funny. I’m not being a recluse. Crystal just doesn’t get how important this is to me. I have to beat him dude, I just have too.”
“Come on man, do you really have to beat him that bad or are you just saying that so you can add dramatic effect to your rp’s?”
Awesome glares at the phone in his hand.
“Don’t break the fourth wall at me bro. This is serious. This is big time serious. Remember when you couldn’t get a win on Falcon and how pissed off and hungry it made you? How you pretty much whipped the asses of everyone else but that dirty bird just kept getting the best of you no matter how hard you tried?”
“Yeah…..”
“But then you finally got the win, you finally defeated him, and a weight was lifted off your shoulders. Everything that you felt had been holding you back was gone and you eventually went on to become the sexiest world champion since myself.”
“Of course I remember that, man. It’s one of my greatest moments in life. Right up there with meeting Zelda and playing the new Mortal Kombat game. I’ve been through a lot of wars man, but none of them have come close to me vs. Falcon.”
“Exactly! This match, it’s huge. It’s **** it, I quit if I lose huge. It means pounding Trent’s head into the mat and no one will stop me. It means a chance at the world championship, but most of all, it’s a chance to finally remove all the reasonable doubt that anyone has ever had about me. I may be obsessing a little too much about it, I may have neglected a shower for a while, but this match dude…..it’s pretty much life or death.”
There was a silence on the phone after that. Both men taking a second to let it all sink in. Awesome looks forward. Past the TV and into his own thoughts.
“…..So it’s going to be Infamous colliding in the main event of Reborn I assume?”
Steve smiles.
“That, or my funeral.”
Were back on the bus. Awesome sit’s casually in his seat, the old lady in the background has half a sweater made, already. It’s been a long trip so far, but Steve just sits back and waits patiently. Whatever the destination was, it had to be worth it.
“But the thing that get’s me. The thing that surprises me is the that you think I’ve lost my killer instinct. You think I’m not the same guy who would cock slap a man with my penis just because it’s considered a deadly weapon in a few third world countries. You think I won’t be able to pull the trigger this Sunday just because I saved you from the Young Guns last week and I shed a tear the other day. And all I have to say is….don’t be so stupid.”
He slowly shakes his head.
“I’m still him. The dark side Trent, it never leaves. It’s always here, telling me to do things. Do you know how hard it was for me to stop the Young Guns from breaking your wrist the other day? Do you have any idea of the inner turmoil I’ve had to deal with because of that? The whole week leading up to the moment I had dreams of your demise Trent. I had this image in my mind where every member of the Guns had there one of your appendages in there hands and they just pulled and pulled until you ripped in half like the Mongols did a long, long time ago. I would day dream, about how Venom, Trish, Roberto, and Andrew would just pummel you into a bloody pile of muck to the point where you became a quadriplegic and then I would take your wheel chair and leave you in the middle of the interstate during rush hour traffic. GOD! Call me sick in the head Trent, but I really did wanna get a tape of your death and use it to help me jerk off later that night. It would have been hot.”
Don’t you just love when he talks dirty?
“But I didn’t. I thought ahead, one week in advance, and I realized if I had that happen it would have been 2008 all over again and I can’t let that happen. So I spared you Trent. I shoved all my deepest, darkest fantasies to the side and asked Venom and the rest to stop before you got too hurt. But don’t let that lapse in judgment fool you. This Sunday…..your all mine. This Sunday, inside that Dragons Den, it becomes my personal playground. Years ago, the Romans sat in Coliseums and watched lions eat Christians. This Sunday, twenty thousand plus with fill in to watch Steve Awesome decimate Trent Helms once and for all. They get to watch my dark side take over, they get to watch as I beat your tiny pathetic ass so bad that I’ll literally be able to **** in your mouth and make you swallow it, then I will sew your own lips to your own butt hole and the world will watch as you human centipede your own self for my own personal amusement. This Sunday Trent…..I will take my hands and I will wrapped them around your throat and I will squeeze until you can’t breathe. Then I will fart in your face while your gasping for air so you can taste my own fart gas. And then Trent, I WILL kill you dead…..
He glares into the camera. A lot of people use the term “kill or murder” in there promos to help beef things up. But this time it was different, you felt like he really meant it, and it kind of scared you. Even the old lady in the background stared at Steve in fear.
“….or I will die trying to make it happen.”
Awesome’s head snaps in the direction of the old lady.
“WHAT THE **** ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?”
The old lady quickly looks away and goes back to her sweater as Steve turns his attention back to the window.
Even later that day. The sun was starting to set but Steve wouldn’t know. He has been locked away in his gym, working out with a jump rope. The rope whirls around him, whooshing past at break neck speed. His t-shirt, drenched, his hair dripping in sweat. His breaths were tight and sharp but he keeps his eyes on the clock. The minute hand finally reaches the twelve once again and after an hour of strenuous cardio Steve drops to his knees and gasps for air. He had been jumping rope for an hour straight in order to train to face Trent. It’s not what Trent Helms does, where he turns super saiyan and trains in a hyperbolic chamber in space with ten times the Earths gravity. No, this is training that actually happens in real life.
Steve grabs a bottle of water and squirts the liquid into his mouth but instantly starts choking because he still hasn’t caught his breath. It was at this moment that Crystal Hilton comes rushing into the room to his side.
“Oh my God, are you alright?”
She helps him up to the bench and Steve takes a seat. His lungs strain themselves to pull in air after such a strenuous work out. He tries to say yes, but can’t, so he just nods his head.
“No your not, Steve. You can barely breathe. Maybe it’s time to take a break? I’m really worried about you.”
Steve presses against his chest. He can feel his muscles burning, he can feel his lungs working over time, he can feel his pulse running a mile a minute but he didn’t care. It all just meant so much.
“No….”
He says between breaths.
“..this….match….”
Crystal cuts him off.
“I know. I know. Rob told me everything. I understand how much it means to you and I want nothing more then to see your hand raised at A Night to Remember for the fourth straight time but seriously Steve…is it worth doing this to yourself? Is it worth risking everything else around you? Is it worth nearly killing yourself?”
He thought about it. How far was he willing to go? Exactly where was the breaking point? How would his life change is he wasn’t victorious? He stands up, and starts heading to the door.
“I’m going to fix this Crystal.”
She tries to stop him.
“What are you doing?”
But he pulls his arm away.
“Something I should have done along time ago.”
Back on the bus. The old lady has finally finished the sweater she was working on and now she’s working on a “call the police” sign she can show people as they drive by to help protect them from Steve. Finally the bus comes to a halt and the bus driver gets on the P.A system.
“Thank you for taking the tour of Canada’s lesser known celebrities. To your left you’ll see pro wrestler Trent Helm’s home. Next stop, Avril Lavigne.”
Awesome quickly gets off the bus and starts walking up the walk way when suddenly a voice stops him.
“Is that a lead pipe in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”
Awesome turns around to find the ninja with the star on her mask. He quickly pulls out a lead pipe from his pants.
“It is a lead pipe actually. How in the hell did you know I was going to show up hear?”
The ninja shrugs.
“I followed you and the bus in my mom’s Sedan.”
She points at a car parked behind the giant bus.
“That’s not very ninja like. Shouldn’t you be hopping over roof tops and stuff?”
“What is this? Assassin’s Creed? It’s two thousand eleven, not ancient Greece.”
Steve rolls his eyes.
“Yeah, well your not going to stop me.”
“From?”
He points at Trent’s house with the lead pipe.
“Walking up to that house and bashing Trent Helm’s skull in with this pipe and getting all this over with once and for all. So I can be happy again.”
He starts heading up the walk way with death in his eyes.
“That’s not going to change anything. It’s still going to affect you. What happened to all that talk about redemption? All that talk about honor?”
“Pfft…I’m Steve Awesome. That stuff isn’t really my style! I’d much rather bash his brain through his nostrils and then cock slap him because he asked me so nicely.”
The ninja doesn’t miss a beat.
“Fine. Take the easy way out, like you always do. Prove Trent right, it’s not my reputation.”
Awesome turns around and points the pipe at the ninja instead.
“I’m getting really sick of these riddles and these games. Who do you think you are? Falcon?”
She shakes her head.
“No. Because you actually listen to me and what I have to say.”
Steve stops to think about that one.
“This one time Steve, work for it. Put all your chips on the table and see how the flop turns. It means more then you realize.”
Awesome uses his free hand to grip his hair.
“But….but what happens if I lose? What happens if he beats me and I lose it all? Then what?”
The ninja shakes her head.
“If you want this as bad as you say you do….you won’t.”
Awesome looks at the pipe in his hand then back at Trent’s home.
“Get back on the bus, Steve. Before it’s too late…..”
He hesitates for a few moments before ultimately throwing the pipe into the grass.
“I swear, if this all blows up in my face….”
“Then by all means, murder him. Rip his face off and feed it to his child.”
Awesome steps up to the bus.
“Wow…that’s pretty sick.”
But when he turns around…she was gone.