Post by adm on Jul 29, 2011 10:06:17 GMT -6
The lights have faded from the promising beginning I had here. I can't believe that it has come this. It's all fading away, like the brightest memories becoming dim. It's all fading away. Just like they have been predicting, I'm washed-up before I have had a chance to even get to the top. As my rage and hatred are beginning to grow stronger, I feel the pleasure of just winning beginning to fade. I am becoming a monster, wishing to destroy my opponents' souls, not just their bodies. I want to see them suffer, to see them be brought down to my level. I want to see them scratch and claw their way around in the darkness that surrounds me, surrounds my weary soul.
Welcome to the darkness, where Honor has faded. I am not here, I am somewhere else, my body drowned in a bottle of liquor as the painful memories needed cleansing once again. I am becoming what you've called me. I drink only some days, but when I do I drown myself and my sorrows. I feel a change in me, something is there that I cannot explain. I'm not the man I thought I was, there's something new, something there that is hard to change, hard to eliminate. The championship has grown to become heavy. My soul, heavier. The weight of the world has firmly pressed itself to my back and I am now falling into the tiny dot I was staring at just a moment ago. Down into the hole, into the other side of myself, where I get to face my demons. Where I get to face my own personality and begin to see who I really am.
The memories that keep me sane, keep me human, they are making me bitter. Making me insane and a drunk. I can't keep holding onto something that should have never been. I should have never been married to her. I should have never had kids. I should have taken the path of men like Spike Kane and been a wrestler from day one, instead of this geek who worked behind a desk while training my body in case I ever got the guts to become what I TRULY wanted to be. Now that I'm here, once again, I find myself struggling for sanity. Struggling against the subliminal urges that are beginning to creep up out from the depths where I have locked them since my younger years. Who am I? What am I becoming? God help me...if there is a god.
****
"So, Kris, how does it feel to be back in nCw."
The voice, to some, is familiar. Unfortunately for Pooler, he doesn't recognize it. The lights of the restaurant is subdued, and it almost looks as if it could be a date, if it were not a man Bates was dining with, a man who has come to his aid when he was depressed before. Johnathan Burr has known Kristoff Liam Bates since they were both going to High School in San Francisco. Now that Bates has come back from the European Tour, he has been itching to have a conversation with his old friend about the future.
"Kris." He taps Bates on the shoulder, as Bates stirs his food. They are eating Italian, but Bates is more concerned with stirring the sauce around in his Linguine than what his friend is saying. "Yo, you in there?"
"Yes, I'm here. Sorry, John, I just...nevermind. Got lost in thought."
"Have a drink of the wine. I know I'm probably not paid as much as you big shot wrestlers, but you can indulge on my dime since it's been so long. I mean, I only have the biggest Real Estate firm in San Fran/San Jose area."
"Yeah, yeah. I know. Thanks for dinner. I really needed to get out of that crummy hotel."
He looks concerned at his friend. There is something there, in his eyes, that can be visibly seen. There is an internal battle, something that doesn't have anything to do with his "job", but it's more personal.
"Listen, Kris, I know something is bothering you. I know how you act when you are depressed. When you are, you drink wine and whiskey like it's water. You're not happy, you haven't been for a while. This job, it's not about that, is it?"
He looks up, takes a bite of his food and then sighs.
"Unfortunately, it doesn't have much to do with that. I'm thinking about my life, where I should have gone."
"I know, Kendra has found someone else, the kids are gone..."
"No, not that. What if..."
His voice goes very low, we cannot hear the conversation he and John are having, but it seems very serious. Bates is whispering almost in John's ear, trying to avoid being heard by the camera he knows is there. John stirs his Shrimp and pasta, thinking of what to say. His face is turning slightly paler, and whatever is being said is definitely heavy.
"Listen, I know you know where I stand on this issue, Kris. I told you when we were in High School what I felt about it. You know I try to keep my personal life under wraps just in case someone wants to hate on my lifestyle and decide to go to some other schmuck for a new mansion. I have an eye for decorating, you know it, and you know why. I put myself into my work because I'd rather not deal with it most days. But you, you've got it harder. You have an ex-wife, kids. You have been living the normal life for a long time. You've had a lot of time where you've been taking your life down that path to normalcy and I commend that. But you can't keep going like this. It's like an addiction, and can lead to it, if you can't find a way to be yourself. I really don't want to go into too much detail, you told me not to, but I know what you mean. I know what you're going through. You wish you had changed things when you were younger, so it would be easier on you. Easier for everything."
"This Honor Championship deal also bothers me. I mean, this life sorting out, that's one thing. It's a big thing. I have no parents to impress anymore. I've had kids I really don't think I can take care of or be an example for. I'm just not meant for family life, you know. But Pooler, he's gotten quiet. He's such a mouthpiece, he's gone under and he's going to swamp me with things I can't refute at the last minute, I know him. He's going to find some dirt on me, find it fast and hit it hard so I come into the match unable to think straight. He thinks if he can get to it and fire it off last minute it'll stick. He's wrong, he doesn't know me that well."
"The only guys here that do know you are Gib and Diamond, I'm sure. I remember you taking me out for a drink with those boys, they really are fun to hang around. I kind of think-"
"Shut up, John. Shhh."
"Oh, sorry. Yeah, but they are all cool dudes. But man, you gotta get to the gym tomorrow, get your mind off it. Blare some Rollins and Sabbath and just jam it out. You gotta do it."
Bates takes the empty glass and refills it, before finishing the other glass and looking up. There is something very troubling on his mind.
"If I don't figure this out, John. I could lose my job. I could lose everything, forever."
"You're exaggerating. You may feel that way now, but it's not that big a deal."
"I wish I felt that way."
****
There is a darkness coming to my life, that has been creeping for years. The alcohol, that's nothing. This is so much bigger. So much more damaging. If I beat you, Pooler, they throw rehab-Spike on me for his obligatory rematch. If you win, expect to meet him at the next big Pay Per View. You don't know me. You think you do. Everyone does. They all bring up my nerdy job in the past. I was a code monkey, a computer jockey for a big Tech Firm in Sunnyvale. I made almost sixty grand a year, had a decent car, vacation days, benefits. I had a nice house that was paid for. I had lovely kids. But you know what, Bob, I didn't want any of that when I was in High School. There was something else I wanted. I wanted what Spike had. I wanted what Ace had. I wanted what Doc, and Angel, and Rob Diamond all had. I wanted to be here, to be training for this. I was too cowardly. I thought that even if I got contacts, my personal appearance of being a nerd would have thrown me off the bridge. I was too abnormal, too quirky. Even IRS wasn't as quirky as I am, and everyone here now knows that.
You want this title, Pooler. Take it. I'd give it to you if I could. I don't need it. What I do need, however, is to beat your Canadian ass on Sunday. You think you are the big fish in a small pond. You think you're a shark, you think you're smart. I thought that at one point too, you know. But you know what, you're a minnow, I'm a Pike. There are Muskies and sharks in the water as well here, and you know who they are. People who are willing to rip you to shreds, and even take a shot at me. I'm not the monster they thought I was before, because I haven't shown them I still am. But if I beat you, cleanly, and humiliate you on Sunday, I'll show them all. I need to. You don't, you can just hop the ship and find somewhere else, or take your time to build your name again after the beating I give you. People will forget that in a few months. But me, if I drop another title on the first defense, they'll think I'm a paper champion. They'll think I'm not honorable enough to hold another belt. I'll be shoved to the Joe Everyman curtain jerk position for life.
Welcome to my nightmare, Pooler, because I have intent to introduce you to the REAL Kristoff Liam Bates in the ring. A monster, who has a dark secret that drives the rage and hatred to the outside. To every other ****ing person on the roster. Hopefully you speak up soon, because I'd like for you to say some enlightening last words.
The darkness grows. I grow old. I have spent my months back dishing out revenge in teaspoons, now it's time to grab the measuring cup. I'm tired of holding back, tired of being held back. Honor is nothing, when you have to fight someone who has none.
So I take all the blame...
You think you know about me...
You don't know a damn thing about me!
I'm not all men
I'm not all men
I'm just one man
I'm not that man!
Welcome to the darkness, where Honor has faded. I am not here, I am somewhere else, my body drowned in a bottle of liquor as the painful memories needed cleansing once again. I am becoming what you've called me. I drink only some days, but when I do I drown myself and my sorrows. I feel a change in me, something is there that I cannot explain. I'm not the man I thought I was, there's something new, something there that is hard to change, hard to eliminate. The championship has grown to become heavy. My soul, heavier. The weight of the world has firmly pressed itself to my back and I am now falling into the tiny dot I was staring at just a moment ago. Down into the hole, into the other side of myself, where I get to face my demons. Where I get to face my own personality and begin to see who I really am.
The memories that keep me sane, keep me human, they are making me bitter. Making me insane and a drunk. I can't keep holding onto something that should have never been. I should have never been married to her. I should have never had kids. I should have taken the path of men like Spike Kane and been a wrestler from day one, instead of this geek who worked behind a desk while training my body in case I ever got the guts to become what I TRULY wanted to be. Now that I'm here, once again, I find myself struggling for sanity. Struggling against the subliminal urges that are beginning to creep up out from the depths where I have locked them since my younger years. Who am I? What am I becoming? God help me...if there is a god.
****
"So, Kris, how does it feel to be back in nCw."
The voice, to some, is familiar. Unfortunately for Pooler, he doesn't recognize it. The lights of the restaurant is subdued, and it almost looks as if it could be a date, if it were not a man Bates was dining with, a man who has come to his aid when he was depressed before. Johnathan Burr has known Kristoff Liam Bates since they were both going to High School in San Francisco. Now that Bates has come back from the European Tour, he has been itching to have a conversation with his old friend about the future.
"Kris." He taps Bates on the shoulder, as Bates stirs his food. They are eating Italian, but Bates is more concerned with stirring the sauce around in his Linguine than what his friend is saying. "Yo, you in there?"
"Yes, I'm here. Sorry, John, I just...nevermind. Got lost in thought."
"Have a drink of the wine. I know I'm probably not paid as much as you big shot wrestlers, but you can indulge on my dime since it's been so long. I mean, I only have the biggest Real Estate firm in San Fran/San Jose area."
"Yeah, yeah. I know. Thanks for dinner. I really needed to get out of that crummy hotel."
He looks concerned at his friend. There is something there, in his eyes, that can be visibly seen. There is an internal battle, something that doesn't have anything to do with his "job", but it's more personal.
"Listen, Kris, I know something is bothering you. I know how you act when you are depressed. When you are, you drink wine and whiskey like it's water. You're not happy, you haven't been for a while. This job, it's not about that, is it?"
He looks up, takes a bite of his food and then sighs.
"Unfortunately, it doesn't have much to do with that. I'm thinking about my life, where I should have gone."
"I know, Kendra has found someone else, the kids are gone..."
"No, not that. What if..."
His voice goes very low, we cannot hear the conversation he and John are having, but it seems very serious. Bates is whispering almost in John's ear, trying to avoid being heard by the camera he knows is there. John stirs his Shrimp and pasta, thinking of what to say. His face is turning slightly paler, and whatever is being said is definitely heavy.
"Listen, I know you know where I stand on this issue, Kris. I told you when we were in High School what I felt about it. You know I try to keep my personal life under wraps just in case someone wants to hate on my lifestyle and decide to go to some other schmuck for a new mansion. I have an eye for decorating, you know it, and you know why. I put myself into my work because I'd rather not deal with it most days. But you, you've got it harder. You have an ex-wife, kids. You have been living the normal life for a long time. You've had a lot of time where you've been taking your life down that path to normalcy and I commend that. But you can't keep going like this. It's like an addiction, and can lead to it, if you can't find a way to be yourself. I really don't want to go into too much detail, you told me not to, but I know what you mean. I know what you're going through. You wish you had changed things when you were younger, so it would be easier on you. Easier for everything."
"This Honor Championship deal also bothers me. I mean, this life sorting out, that's one thing. It's a big thing. I have no parents to impress anymore. I've had kids I really don't think I can take care of or be an example for. I'm just not meant for family life, you know. But Pooler, he's gotten quiet. He's such a mouthpiece, he's gone under and he's going to swamp me with things I can't refute at the last minute, I know him. He's going to find some dirt on me, find it fast and hit it hard so I come into the match unable to think straight. He thinks if he can get to it and fire it off last minute it'll stick. He's wrong, he doesn't know me that well."
"The only guys here that do know you are Gib and Diamond, I'm sure. I remember you taking me out for a drink with those boys, they really are fun to hang around. I kind of think-"
"Shut up, John. Shhh."
"Oh, sorry. Yeah, but they are all cool dudes. But man, you gotta get to the gym tomorrow, get your mind off it. Blare some Rollins and Sabbath and just jam it out. You gotta do it."
Bates takes the empty glass and refills it, before finishing the other glass and looking up. There is something very troubling on his mind.
"If I don't figure this out, John. I could lose my job. I could lose everything, forever."
"You're exaggerating. You may feel that way now, but it's not that big a deal."
"I wish I felt that way."
****
There is a darkness coming to my life, that has been creeping for years. The alcohol, that's nothing. This is so much bigger. So much more damaging. If I beat you, Pooler, they throw rehab-Spike on me for his obligatory rematch. If you win, expect to meet him at the next big Pay Per View. You don't know me. You think you do. Everyone does. They all bring up my nerdy job in the past. I was a code monkey, a computer jockey for a big Tech Firm in Sunnyvale. I made almost sixty grand a year, had a decent car, vacation days, benefits. I had a nice house that was paid for. I had lovely kids. But you know what, Bob, I didn't want any of that when I was in High School. There was something else I wanted. I wanted what Spike had. I wanted what Ace had. I wanted what Doc, and Angel, and Rob Diamond all had. I wanted to be here, to be training for this. I was too cowardly. I thought that even if I got contacts, my personal appearance of being a nerd would have thrown me off the bridge. I was too abnormal, too quirky. Even IRS wasn't as quirky as I am, and everyone here now knows that.
You want this title, Pooler. Take it. I'd give it to you if I could. I don't need it. What I do need, however, is to beat your Canadian ass on Sunday. You think you are the big fish in a small pond. You think you're a shark, you think you're smart. I thought that at one point too, you know. But you know what, you're a minnow, I'm a Pike. There are Muskies and sharks in the water as well here, and you know who they are. People who are willing to rip you to shreds, and even take a shot at me. I'm not the monster they thought I was before, because I haven't shown them I still am. But if I beat you, cleanly, and humiliate you on Sunday, I'll show them all. I need to. You don't, you can just hop the ship and find somewhere else, or take your time to build your name again after the beating I give you. People will forget that in a few months. But me, if I drop another title on the first defense, they'll think I'm a paper champion. They'll think I'm not honorable enough to hold another belt. I'll be shoved to the Joe Everyman curtain jerk position for life.
Welcome to my nightmare, Pooler, because I have intent to introduce you to the REAL Kristoff Liam Bates in the ring. A monster, who has a dark secret that drives the rage and hatred to the outside. To every other ****ing person on the roster. Hopefully you speak up soon, because I'd like for you to say some enlightening last words.
The darkness grows. I grow old. I have spent my months back dishing out revenge in teaspoons, now it's time to grab the measuring cup. I'm tired of holding back, tired of being held back. Honor is nothing, when you have to fight someone who has none.
So I take all the blame...
You think you know about me...
You don't know a damn thing about me!
I'm not all men
I'm not all men
I'm just one man
I'm not that man!