Post by Rob Diamond on Nov 22, 2011 18:00:54 GMT -6
{ Open to the Mighty Rob Diamond and his trusty hammer "Meow-Meow" standing atop the tallest step ladder they can find with Andrew Jacobsen holding a hand held fan dangerously close to Rob's face to give his short hair the appearance of heroically blowing in the wind. }
"Is all this really necessary?"
"Absolutely."
"Even the puppet?"
"Especially the puppet."
{ Pan down to a puppet sown at the mouth to Rob Diamond's crotch and a gigantic smile on the face of the World InFamous AntiHero. }
"If we are going to battle a super hero, even a paraplegic one, then we need to do so as super villains! Or at least as anti heroes..."
{ Note the flowing cape and large "D" inside and upside down purple triangle on Rob's chest. }
"For one night only..."
"There has to be another way..."
"The world will tremble..."
"Please don't do this Rob..."
"When they kneel..."
"Don't say it."
"BEFORE DOMINICUS!!!!!"
{ Jaco face palm. }
"****..."
"You see my young fanny pack, we must meet this threat to our tag team world domination head on and with equal measure. They have used the black rings of the notorious black lantern corp to resurrect the fallen Kal-El so we must once again wield the mighty hammer "Meow-Meow" and drive back this threat!"
"Can't we just beat them up?"
{ Rob raises an eyebrow at Andy. }
"How'd that work out for you again?"
{ Jaco head drops. }
"That was low..."
"THEN YES! It is imperative that we fight fire with fire! In this case as SUPER ANTI HEROES!"
"Are you really a face?"
"I think my profile says 'Tweener' so that's pretty close."
"Ah..."
"REGARDLESS! Tito Jackson has some how harnessed the power of the black ring and plans to use Kal-El as a weapon of mass destruction this weekend when we face off inside the ring! And that, my dear fanny pack, I cannot allow! For I AM THE DARK ONE! THE LEADER OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND... ANTI GOOD! I am the Dark Lord of the Sith and Superman will fall before my WILL!"
"He's... uhh... He's Mark Evil."
{ Rob's head whips in the direction of Jaco. }
"That is silly, for Mark Evil is dead."
{ Rob enjoys a hardy laugh while Jaco lowers the fan and shakes his head. }
"Actually he's not. He faked his death."
"Impossible. I was at the funeral."
"He faked the funeral?"
"Jaco, do not be foolish. Do you not think I made love to the body to be sure?"
"WHAT!?"
"One can never be too sure, trust me when I say that Mark Evil is dead."
{ Jaco does his best not to throw up at the thought of Rob Diamond having his way with Mark Evil's dead body which, when you think about it, isn't much different than Mark Evil's entire wrestling career. Kinda funny. }
"Wow... That's just... Disgusting. Why were you even at his funeral?"
"Why else? Complimentary memorial dinner."
{ Andy nods and agrees. }
"Well, that makes sense. But either way, we've got a big match this weekend against Matt Jackson and Mark 'Don't call me Evil' Evil. so we should probably stop messing around."
"That is clearly not an option Andrew."
"And why is that?"
"To stop messing around would imply that we are taking this match seriously, and that is an implication of respect I am not willing to give."
"Great, so more tomfoolery?"
"Loads."
{ Andy shakes his head and walks away while Rob remains strong atop his step ladder to the gods wielding his hammer. }
"Before we go any further into this I just wanted to say to my opponent of the previous week, Tito Jackson. I respect you."
{ I'm skeptical about where this is going. }
"I respect you for the effort you put forth this past Sunday. I respect you for the way you met me head on in that match. I respect the way you fell silent in the hours leading up to our not so epic encounter because I had verbally raped you so efficiently. I respect you for knowing your limits and being able to admit in front of thousands of people in the arena as well as the millions watching at home that you are just not good enough to be in the ring with me."
{ }
"I respect you for being man enough to quit."
{ And a piped in round of applause for the quitter. }
"It took a great deal of courage and will power to slap that mat so furiously after I locked in the Sweet Dreams. I can't imagine the endurance training you must of put yourself through to be able to with stand my submission hold for the nearly twelve seconds it was locked in. Truly I am impressed and even though you failed rather miserably at beating any sense of the word respect into me, I do respect the yellow streak that runs down your back. I'm sure Uncle Same is proud of you."
{ Someone begins humming the American national antheme... Ok, it's me. }
"If you are the sort of man our military is producing then I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our wonderful land is doomed. Thank you Tito Jackson. Thank you for proving the bleeding heart liberals right. Apparently our military is useless... Or maybe it's just you."
{ Wink and nod. }
"Ya see Tito, I told you last week all the puppet ****ing jokes in the world weren't going to save you and now this week, I'm not even going to bother to take this match seriously. Why should I? I'm facing a guy I made tap the **** out like Barrack Obama before the Republican party and his totally walking dead corpse of a tag team partner."
{ He twirls his finger in the air like "whoop dee doo." }
"I'm not intimidated. Because all the puppet/human relations in the world isn't going to change the fact I'm a former World goddam Champion who can kick the collective ass of any two jobbers on any given night of the damn week! Hell, I'll face the entire Web Show line up and systematically prison rape their faces as a warm up to a real match. So who the **** are you guys? Duper dur and Duper dee thrown together by the winds of fate to stand up to Andy and I for one night only in a match only the two of you will remember as that one time a man publicly inserted his penis into your butt holes before making you TAP OUT AGAIN! And yes, I'm aware there are allot of self implied gay jokes in this promo and I really don't care because hey, with a little bit of alcohol in me, I'm open to anything. Do you hear me Bates. ANYTHING!"
{ Is he coming on too strong? God I hope he's kidding. }
"And what are you going to do about it? Let Chris Reeves delve into another one of his homophobic rants? GO FOR IT! I'll laugh my ass off at you for taking me seriously! Because honestly, at the end of the day, all you two really have on us is..."
{ }
"And that's it! That is literally it. You've won exactly one tag team match that you actually think anyone gives a damn about. But the joke is, WE DON'T! And then you've gone on to not only NOT EARN a shot at us by NOT beating anyone else in a tag team match but Tito actually QUIT just last week in the middle of the ring. Oh wait, sorry, Chris Reeve managed a win over Andy... Well that just changes EVERYTHING! Throw my whole promo out the window right there. My entire argument is now in shambles..."
{ Or is it? }
"But then I remember something. According to Total Erectile Dysfunction, Andrew Jacobsen is a back pack and I'm the work horse. Correct? Well let me muse that for a second."
{ He muses. }
"If he's the back pack I carry around from one awesome win to another on my former WORLD CHAMPION shoulders with close to a HUNDRED wins under my belt and we're facing a couple of nobodies who have collectively done nothing every where they've ever been their entire life's then by YOUR math and YOUR logic I should have this match in the bag."
{ He laughs. }
"Thanks, I'll sleep allot sounder knowing I can just carry Andy in my arms like a sleeping babe to victory this weekend."
{ He looks from side to side then nods his head, pretty happy where this whole thing wound up. }
"Alright, I'm pretty happy we cleared that all away. You guys show up, do your thing where you suck and bitch and moan about beating some tag team I'm pretty sure doesn't even wrestle here anymore and we'll show up and with Andrew Jacobsen on my shoulder like a fairy godmother I will brutally beat you both back into the pit of obscurity, or in Reeve's case death, that you crawled out of."
{ He raises his hammer high over his head and lighting legitimately strikes it. }
"INSERT TITO'S STANDARD SUICIDE JOKE HERE!!!!!!"
{ Oooohhhh. Ahhhhh. }
"SUCK IT!"
{ AND BAM! Just like that Rob blows your screen up in your face. Glass shards and copper wires are strewn about as we fade into something a little more serious... }
"Where is she?"
{ Rob paces back and forth in his living room, checking his phone, his watch, the clock on the wall and then finally the door. }
"She was supposed to be-"
{ Suddenly the door opens and Zelda stands there. None of her characteristic giddiness is present as she walks into the home that was supposed to be where her and Rob would raise a family together. }
"Hey, Zee."
"Hi Rob."
{ She walks around the couch and sits down. Rob takes the seat next to her and goes to grab her hand but she pulls it away. }
"... How's the pregnancy?"
"Great if you love throwing up in the middle of the night and craving tuna..."
"Heh."
{ For a second they both smile before remembering why they are there. }
"So, you said you wanted to talk?"
"I said we needed to talk. Zee, we're having a baby, we need to work this out."
"Ok, as soon as you say your sorry."
{ Rob's a little taken back. }
"Sorry? For something that happened before we dated? Zee, I have nothing to be sorry for."
"You lied to me! Our entire relationship is based on you wanting to bang me! Congratulations! YOU WON!"
{ Rob jumps up off the couch, his face beat red. }
"WILL YOU GROW UP!"
{ Zelda jumps back in her seat a little. }
"For Christ's sake Zelda! I made a bet over a year ago with half the damn roster! WHO CARES!? I didn't ask you out because of a bet! I didn't beat the hell out of Falcon over a bet! I didn't go to war with Chris over a bet! I didn't ask you to marry me over a bet and I sure as hell didn't get you pregnant over a bet! I LOVE YOU!"
{ Zelda sits, speechless as Rob just shakes his head, completely bewildered and flustered over what they are fighting about. }
"I love you and we are having a baby. Now whether or not you want to raise that baby together is up to you. I want to. I want to have a family with you. I want to have a whole bunch of kids with you. But if your gonna throw a **** fit like a spoiled little brat everytime I **** up then... Then... Then fine, you can leave, live with your brother and do whatever. But that baby in your belly, it's ours and I will be a part of it's life. That... That you can bet on."
{ Rob turns away in frustration while Zelda just stares at the floor, thinking over everything Rob just said. He turns back and drops down to one knee and looks her right in the eyes. }
"I don't want to do this without you Zee."
"I don't want to do this without you either, it's just sometimes... Your past...."
"My past is just that, the past. You make me a better person Zee, a person who wants to be a father and a husband with you by my side. I need to know Zee, what's it going to be... Are we in this together or are you still gonna be mad about something that doesn't even matter?"
{ Zelda looks at Rob for a long time before answering. }
"I don't mean to be like this, you know? It's just, after everything that's happened, sometimes I just over react... I mean my dad... And that whole situation..."
"I know."
"And I do love you it's just, after Kyle and the way that ended and the way we just rushed into everything... Life is happening so fast."
"It's not going to stop, Zee."
"I know. I know... I'm just... I'm sorry Rob... I'm sorry for not listening... For not believing you."
"I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to be with me."
{ Zelda blushes a little, even bites her bottom lip. }
"I want that too."
{ Rob's eyes light up, the woman of his dreams is back. Then an idea strikes him. }
"So how do you feel about Christmas?"
"What?"
"How do you feel about getting married on Christmas, on our one year anniversary?"
{ Zelda lights up like a Christmas tree and squeals with joy. }
"REALLY!?"
"Really."
{ She jumps off the couch and wraps her arms around him. }
"Definitely!"
"Good."
{ She holds him tight for a while before finally pulling back. Her smile is three miles wide as she looks into the eyes of the man she loves. They look at each other for a moment longer before Zelda raises an eyebrow and tilts her head slightly. }
"Soooooo... What the heck is up with you and Bates?"
"Uhhhhhh..."
{ Fade! }
"Is all this really necessary?"
"Absolutely."
"Even the puppet?"
"Especially the puppet."
{ Pan down to a puppet sown at the mouth to Rob Diamond's crotch and a gigantic smile on the face of the World InFamous AntiHero. }
"If we are going to battle a super hero, even a paraplegic one, then we need to do so as super villains! Or at least as anti heroes..."
{ Note the flowing cape and large "D" inside and upside down purple triangle on Rob's chest. }
"For one night only..."
"There has to be another way..."
"The world will tremble..."
"Please don't do this Rob..."
"When they kneel..."
"Don't say it."
"BEFORE DOMINICUS!!!!!"
{ Jaco face palm. }
"****..."
"You see my young fanny pack, we must meet this threat to our tag team world domination head on and with equal measure. They have used the black rings of the notorious black lantern corp to resurrect the fallen Kal-El so we must once again wield the mighty hammer "Meow-Meow" and drive back this threat!"
"Can't we just beat them up?"
{ Rob raises an eyebrow at Andy. }
"How'd that work out for you again?"
{ Jaco head drops. }
"That was low..."
"THEN YES! It is imperative that we fight fire with fire! In this case as SUPER ANTI HEROES!"
"Are you really a face?"
"I think my profile says 'Tweener' so that's pretty close."
"Ah..."
"REGARDLESS! Tito Jackson has some how harnessed the power of the black ring and plans to use Kal-El as a weapon of mass destruction this weekend when we face off inside the ring! And that, my dear fanny pack, I cannot allow! For I AM THE DARK ONE! THE LEADER OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND... ANTI GOOD! I am the Dark Lord of the Sith and Superman will fall before my WILL!"
"He's... uhh... He's Mark Evil."
{ Rob's head whips in the direction of Jaco. }
"That is silly, for Mark Evil is dead."
{ Rob enjoys a hardy laugh while Jaco lowers the fan and shakes his head. }
"Actually he's not. He faked his death."
"Impossible. I was at the funeral."
"He faked the funeral?"
"Jaco, do not be foolish. Do you not think I made love to the body to be sure?"
"WHAT!?"
"One can never be too sure, trust me when I say that Mark Evil is dead."
{ Jaco does his best not to throw up at the thought of Rob Diamond having his way with Mark Evil's dead body which, when you think about it, isn't much different than Mark Evil's entire wrestling career. Kinda funny. }
"Wow... That's just... Disgusting. Why were you even at his funeral?"
"Why else? Complimentary memorial dinner."
{ Andy nods and agrees. }
"Well, that makes sense. But either way, we've got a big match this weekend against Matt Jackson and Mark 'Don't call me Evil' Evil. so we should probably stop messing around."
"That is clearly not an option Andrew."
"And why is that?"
"To stop messing around would imply that we are taking this match seriously, and that is an implication of respect I am not willing to give."
"Great, so more tomfoolery?"
"Loads."
{ Andy shakes his head and walks away while Rob remains strong atop his step ladder to the gods wielding his hammer. }
"Before we go any further into this I just wanted to say to my opponent of the previous week, Tito Jackson. I respect you."
{ I'm skeptical about where this is going. }
"I respect you for the effort you put forth this past Sunday. I respect you for the way you met me head on in that match. I respect the way you fell silent in the hours leading up to our not so epic encounter because I had verbally raped you so efficiently. I respect you for knowing your limits and being able to admit in front of thousands of people in the arena as well as the millions watching at home that you are just not good enough to be in the ring with me."
{ }
"I respect you for being man enough to quit."
{ And a piped in round of applause for the quitter. }
"It took a great deal of courage and will power to slap that mat so furiously after I locked in the Sweet Dreams. I can't imagine the endurance training you must of put yourself through to be able to with stand my submission hold for the nearly twelve seconds it was locked in. Truly I am impressed and even though you failed rather miserably at beating any sense of the word respect into me, I do respect the yellow streak that runs down your back. I'm sure Uncle Same is proud of you."
{ Someone begins humming the American national antheme... Ok, it's me. }
"If you are the sort of man our military is producing then I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our wonderful land is doomed. Thank you Tito Jackson. Thank you for proving the bleeding heart liberals right. Apparently our military is useless... Or maybe it's just you."
{ Wink and nod. }
"Ya see Tito, I told you last week all the puppet ****ing jokes in the world weren't going to save you and now this week, I'm not even going to bother to take this match seriously. Why should I? I'm facing a guy I made tap the **** out like Barrack Obama before the Republican party and his totally walking dead corpse of a tag team partner."
{ He twirls his finger in the air like "whoop dee doo." }
"I'm not intimidated. Because all the puppet/human relations in the world isn't going to change the fact I'm a former World goddam Champion who can kick the collective ass of any two jobbers on any given night of the damn week! Hell, I'll face the entire Web Show line up and systematically prison rape their faces as a warm up to a real match. So who the **** are you guys? Duper dur and Duper dee thrown together by the winds of fate to stand up to Andy and I for one night only in a match only the two of you will remember as that one time a man publicly inserted his penis into your butt holes before making you TAP OUT AGAIN! And yes, I'm aware there are allot of self implied gay jokes in this promo and I really don't care because hey, with a little bit of alcohol in me, I'm open to anything. Do you hear me Bates. ANYTHING!"
{ Is he coming on too strong? God I hope he's kidding. }
"And what are you going to do about it? Let Chris Reeves delve into another one of his homophobic rants? GO FOR IT! I'll laugh my ass off at you for taking me seriously! Because honestly, at the end of the day, all you two really have on us is..."
{ }
"And that's it! That is literally it. You've won exactly one tag team match that you actually think anyone gives a damn about. But the joke is, WE DON'T! And then you've gone on to not only NOT EARN a shot at us by NOT beating anyone else in a tag team match but Tito actually QUIT just last week in the middle of the ring. Oh wait, sorry, Chris Reeve managed a win over Andy... Well that just changes EVERYTHING! Throw my whole promo out the window right there. My entire argument is now in shambles..."
{ Or is it? }
"But then I remember something. According to Total Erectile Dysfunction, Andrew Jacobsen is a back pack and I'm the work horse. Correct? Well let me muse that for a second."
{ He muses. }
"If he's the back pack I carry around from one awesome win to another on my former WORLD CHAMPION shoulders with close to a HUNDRED wins under my belt and we're facing a couple of nobodies who have collectively done nothing every where they've ever been their entire life's then by YOUR math and YOUR logic I should have this match in the bag."
{ He laughs. }
"Thanks, I'll sleep allot sounder knowing I can just carry Andy in my arms like a sleeping babe to victory this weekend."
{ He looks from side to side then nods his head, pretty happy where this whole thing wound up. }
"Alright, I'm pretty happy we cleared that all away. You guys show up, do your thing where you suck and bitch and moan about beating some tag team I'm pretty sure doesn't even wrestle here anymore and we'll show up and with Andrew Jacobsen on my shoulder like a fairy godmother I will brutally beat you both back into the pit of obscurity, or in Reeve's case death, that you crawled out of."
{ He raises his hammer high over his head and lighting legitimately strikes it. }
"INSERT TITO'S STANDARD SUICIDE JOKE HERE!!!!!!"
{ Oooohhhh. Ahhhhh. }
"SUCK IT!"
{ AND BAM! Just like that Rob blows your screen up in your face. Glass shards and copper wires are strewn about as we fade into something a little more serious... }
"Where is she?"
{ Rob paces back and forth in his living room, checking his phone, his watch, the clock on the wall and then finally the door. }
"She was supposed to be-"
{ Suddenly the door opens and Zelda stands there. None of her characteristic giddiness is present as she walks into the home that was supposed to be where her and Rob would raise a family together. }
"Hey, Zee."
"Hi Rob."
{ She walks around the couch and sits down. Rob takes the seat next to her and goes to grab her hand but she pulls it away. }
"... How's the pregnancy?"
"Great if you love throwing up in the middle of the night and craving tuna..."
"Heh."
{ For a second they both smile before remembering why they are there. }
"So, you said you wanted to talk?"
"I said we needed to talk. Zee, we're having a baby, we need to work this out."
"Ok, as soon as you say your sorry."
{ Rob's a little taken back. }
"Sorry? For something that happened before we dated? Zee, I have nothing to be sorry for."
"You lied to me! Our entire relationship is based on you wanting to bang me! Congratulations! YOU WON!"
{ Rob jumps up off the couch, his face beat red. }
"WILL YOU GROW UP!"
{ Zelda jumps back in her seat a little. }
"For Christ's sake Zelda! I made a bet over a year ago with half the damn roster! WHO CARES!? I didn't ask you out because of a bet! I didn't beat the hell out of Falcon over a bet! I didn't go to war with Chris over a bet! I didn't ask you to marry me over a bet and I sure as hell didn't get you pregnant over a bet! I LOVE YOU!"
{ Zelda sits, speechless as Rob just shakes his head, completely bewildered and flustered over what they are fighting about. }
"I love you and we are having a baby. Now whether or not you want to raise that baby together is up to you. I want to. I want to have a family with you. I want to have a whole bunch of kids with you. But if your gonna throw a **** fit like a spoiled little brat everytime I **** up then... Then... Then fine, you can leave, live with your brother and do whatever. But that baby in your belly, it's ours and I will be a part of it's life. That... That you can bet on."
{ Rob turns away in frustration while Zelda just stares at the floor, thinking over everything Rob just said. He turns back and drops down to one knee and looks her right in the eyes. }
"I don't want to do this without you Zee."
"I don't want to do this without you either, it's just sometimes... Your past...."
"My past is just that, the past. You make me a better person Zee, a person who wants to be a father and a husband with you by my side. I need to know Zee, what's it going to be... Are we in this together or are you still gonna be mad about something that doesn't even matter?"
{ Zelda looks at Rob for a long time before answering. }
"I don't mean to be like this, you know? It's just, after everything that's happened, sometimes I just over react... I mean my dad... And that whole situation..."
"I know."
"And I do love you it's just, after Kyle and the way that ended and the way we just rushed into everything... Life is happening so fast."
"It's not going to stop, Zee."
"I know. I know... I'm just... I'm sorry Rob... I'm sorry for not listening... For not believing you."
"I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to be with me."
{ Zelda blushes a little, even bites her bottom lip. }
"I want that too."
{ Rob's eyes light up, the woman of his dreams is back. Then an idea strikes him. }
"So how do you feel about Christmas?"
"What?"
"How do you feel about getting married on Christmas, on our one year anniversary?"
{ Zelda lights up like a Christmas tree and squeals with joy. }
"REALLY!?"
"Really."
{ She jumps off the couch and wraps her arms around him. }
"Definitely!"
"Good."
{ She holds him tight for a while before finally pulling back. Her smile is three miles wide as she looks into the eyes of the man she loves. They look at each other for a moment longer before Zelda raises an eyebrow and tilts her head slightly. }
"Soooooo... What the heck is up with you and Bates?"
"Uhhhhhh..."
{ Fade! }