Post by Angel on Nov 23, 2011 18:28:02 GMT -6
It is raining in Connecticut tonight...
The rain drops wrap against the window like so many finger tips on the edges of my brain. I smile as I look out the window, my mind seeing Lex Sense in the rain that falls...
Lex Sense...
I see his face everywhere these days. In the faces of the ones I love around me or the ones I face from across the ring... I evem see his face in the mirror...
I smile...
I see Lex Sense falling like a rain drop... He started so high only to fall so far and I wonder when he finally hits... Will there be blood?
I would like to think there will be blood...
But the blood doesn't matter... There does not need to be blood... No... The screams... The pain... That is what matters... That is what my mind goes to next... I can hear his screams as the lightening strikes around me... His face in agony as I laugh... I laugh as he shatters like the rain drop that hits the ground...
No, there does not need to be blood... Just pain... Just glorious pain...
I can hear him, but he does not beg. He does not ask me to stop. Lex Sense is above pain, above torture, Lex Sense... He is something else... Something more... He is like me... And for that reason alone I look forward to our encounter...
We live for the pain...
We scream for more...
It is raining outside and I am smiling as I think about my match against my sworn enemy...
An enemy I cannot help but respect as he has come so far...
When this began he was nothing... A name... A face... But since then he has risen... He has cast aside what he was, what he wanted people to believe him to be and he has embraced something dark within himself... He has embraced his need for redemption...
Through me he will be saved...
Through me...
I feel the laughter boil up inside of me like water on a stove... Through me? He will not find what he is looking for through me. I will not provide his redemption. Defeating me this weekend will not bring him solace. Defeating me will not bring him peace. Through my fall he will find that the hole within his own soul is much deeper than he thought.
That is why I did not seek vengeance...
What I did... The path I walked... It was about more than vengeance. I could of taken the easy path. I could have set my mind on destroying Lex Sense for nothing more than the sheer enjoyment of causing pain. I could of.... I chose to make this something more. I chose to meet him on an even playing field and truly see what he was made of....
I chose this...
Not for vengeance...
Not out of malice...
I wanted the challenge...
Lex Sense was the biggest, meanest dog in the yard when I made my return. He was just convenient really and his jealousy, his madness, his desire to see me crippled made our little feud all the more enticing...
The rain falls harder now as my mind drifts back to our first encounter... There was so much blood then... I like when there is blood...
Lex Sense seeks redemption...
Lex Sense fails to find it...
Lex Sense allowed redemption to walk right out the door...
People think it is so easy to do what I do, be what I am. They think it is simply a matter of painting your face and speaking with a sinister tone, but what I am, what I do? It is not for the faint of heart. This business once thrived on people like me. People who just wanted to push themselves to their limit just to see what would happen, how much could they take. Once upon a time the wrestling industry flourished with people like me...
We are a dying breed...
I look around nCw and I see us one by one dropping like the rain out of the sky... Soon I will be all that is left and I cannot... I will not allow my kind to shrink away into the darkness...
No, this is not about vengeance for me...
And Lex Sense will find no redemption in me...
This is about making the people remember...
Making them afraid...
This is about the fear that once crept through the halls of nCw...
And reminding everyone that there is something worth being afraid of in nCw...
There is me...
I am thinking about Lex Sense. I am thinking about barbed wire and flaming death. I am thinking about facing a man who is capable of such beautiful brutality that it almost brings a tear to my eye...
I am thinking I hope this never ends...
"Angel, I need to know what is going on?"
Tara's reflection shines brightly in the window as I subtly smile at her.
"I am thinking..."
"No, I mean with Shelly..."
Her face grimaces at the mention of that name... Shelly...
"I am training her."
"What else?"
"What else is there?"
"Do you still love her?"
Her face contorted, she feared the worst, I do not blame her.
"What is there left for me to love?"
The fear began to melt and I turned away from the drops that were wrapping on my mind to face her.
"She made her choice long ago. I need you to make your's."
"What do you mean?"
"New Championship Wrestling was once a place comprised of the best the wrestling world had to offer but more and more I see what once was slowly dying... I see a promotion on the brink of becoming something more akin to mediocre than... The best. I see the death of nCw approaching."
My mind began to drift. I could see the face of Lex Sense staring back at me through the eyes of the woman I loved. I wondered if he ever felt pain like normal men do... I wondered how much pain it would take for him to quit... I wondered the same about myself as the rain hit the window behind me...
"I've been training... When I'm ready-"
"I am tired of waiting Tara. You need to be ready now."
"But-"
"I said no more excuses once. I meant it. There are less than a hand full of men or women wrestling in nCw right now that know what true sacrifice is. Most of this roster is under the age of twenty five. They do not know what struggle and hard ship are and yet still they whine and complain about getting their shot. No one deserves a shot more than me. No one has given as much as I have. No one has bleed more for nCw than it's Savior."
I do not know if what I said was making her mad, honestly I do not care. I am well past my moment of compassion for her hard ship.
"I will make them tremble again, Tara! I will make each and everyone of them live in fear of the day my name is across from their's and I will not stop until I have the world championship within my grasp again. That belt was wrongly taken from me... It will be mine again..."
She only glared. I could feel the daggers her eyes were projecting. I smiled.
"What do you want from me? I've done my best! I've been busting my ass for you and it's never good enough! You turn to Shelly!? And try to help her!? Where is my help!?"
"Perhaps you do no deserve it."
Her hand flew from her side, I could have caught it but I rather enjoyed the stinging sensation it brought to my face. Is it normal to only feel pain? I wonder if that is all Lex Sense can feel anymore...
"Or maybe you just need to earn it."
"I've given everything for you!"
"Give more."
"I have nothing left!?"
"Then why are you here?"
"You want me gone?"
"I want you to try."
"I DID! AND I FAILED!"
"Then your giving up?"
Her eyes blazed with a fiery rage I have not seen in quite some time.
"I don't give up."
"Prove it."
Her nostrils flared. Her heart raced. I could feel her passion rising.
"At least Shelly tried."
In that moment, in those words, something broke inside of Tara and I thought perhaps I had allowed this lesson to go to far... An object whizzed past my head as she screamed at the top of her lungs. Her son came to watch, my daughter behind him, somewhere an infant cried...
Tara' rage did not stop...
Her fists came at me again and I let them. Her tiny fists pounded against my chest like she were trying to get my heart beating again. I found her response curious, her anger strange, I was not the one who had failed her... She was... Tara did not see it that way.
She grabbed a bag and threatened to leave, I must of laughed because she began to cry. With a bag packed, her son at her side, she stormed out of our house and into the rain... Into the darkness... I hoped she would find the solace she was looking for... A solace I tried to provide... A solace I failed to give her...
I love Tara Fenix... But I could not save her...
Sometimes I wonder if I can even save myself or is all of this, my career, my legacy, my path through nCw one long trip through the valley of death...
Do I want to die?
Is that why I seek men like Lex Sense out and challenge them to challenge me?
Or is it something more?
Do I need to feel pain to feel anything at all?
Am I even a man anymore?
Was I ever?
Pain... Remorse... Regret... These were things most felt in my situation... Fear... Hate... Love... Feelings any normal man, woman or child has on a daily basis... But all I could feel as I stare at these rain drops is wonder...
I wonder if their will be blood...
There does not need to be...
There may well not be...
But will there be?
I think there should be...
I think it will make me happy...
I think blood will make me feel happy...
Yes... There should be blood... There will be blood... Lex Sense will bleed.... I will bleed... The ring will run red with our blood...
And I will be happy...
But it does not matter... It is not important... The dying is what matters...
"You will not be saved through me... You will not be forgiven through me... I will not be your martyr... I will not save you... There will be no mercy... But there will be death."
And that alone makes me smile...
"This will not end until one of us is no longer breathing. And you will not be the one who kills me... The road to redemption you seek does not go through me but I promise it will end with me because you are not worth saving. You never have been. What you seek, what you truly desire is a means to an end. I will provide that end. I will end you because it is what you want, it is what you seek, it is what you need... Sunday I am your servant and I will give you what you seek... The sweet release from the pain of living."
It is dark... It is late... I have a lot to do this week... No matter... For the moment I am content simply to think... To plan... To listen... It's raining in Connecticut tonight...
"In ashes you shall reap."
The rain drops wrap against the window like so many finger tips on the edges of my brain. I smile as I look out the window, my mind seeing Lex Sense in the rain that falls...
Lex Sense...
I see his face everywhere these days. In the faces of the ones I love around me or the ones I face from across the ring... I evem see his face in the mirror...
I smile...
I see Lex Sense falling like a rain drop... He started so high only to fall so far and I wonder when he finally hits... Will there be blood?
I would like to think there will be blood...
But the blood doesn't matter... There does not need to be blood... No... The screams... The pain... That is what matters... That is what my mind goes to next... I can hear his screams as the lightening strikes around me... His face in agony as I laugh... I laugh as he shatters like the rain drop that hits the ground...
No, there does not need to be blood... Just pain... Just glorious pain...
I can hear him, but he does not beg. He does not ask me to stop. Lex Sense is above pain, above torture, Lex Sense... He is something else... Something more... He is like me... And for that reason alone I look forward to our encounter...
We live for the pain...
We scream for more...
It is raining outside and I am smiling as I think about my match against my sworn enemy...
An enemy I cannot help but respect as he has come so far...
When this began he was nothing... A name... A face... But since then he has risen... He has cast aside what he was, what he wanted people to believe him to be and he has embraced something dark within himself... He has embraced his need for redemption...
Through me he will be saved...
Through me...
I feel the laughter boil up inside of me like water on a stove... Through me? He will not find what he is looking for through me. I will not provide his redemption. Defeating me this weekend will not bring him solace. Defeating me will not bring him peace. Through my fall he will find that the hole within his own soul is much deeper than he thought.
That is why I did not seek vengeance...
What I did... The path I walked... It was about more than vengeance. I could of taken the easy path. I could have set my mind on destroying Lex Sense for nothing more than the sheer enjoyment of causing pain. I could of.... I chose to make this something more. I chose to meet him on an even playing field and truly see what he was made of....
I chose this...
Not for vengeance...
Not out of malice...
I wanted the challenge...
Lex Sense was the biggest, meanest dog in the yard when I made my return. He was just convenient really and his jealousy, his madness, his desire to see me crippled made our little feud all the more enticing...
The rain falls harder now as my mind drifts back to our first encounter... There was so much blood then... I like when there is blood...
Lex Sense seeks redemption...
Lex Sense fails to find it...
Lex Sense allowed redemption to walk right out the door...
People think it is so easy to do what I do, be what I am. They think it is simply a matter of painting your face and speaking with a sinister tone, but what I am, what I do? It is not for the faint of heart. This business once thrived on people like me. People who just wanted to push themselves to their limit just to see what would happen, how much could they take. Once upon a time the wrestling industry flourished with people like me...
We are a dying breed...
I look around nCw and I see us one by one dropping like the rain out of the sky... Soon I will be all that is left and I cannot... I will not allow my kind to shrink away into the darkness...
No, this is not about vengeance for me...
And Lex Sense will find no redemption in me...
This is about making the people remember...
Making them afraid...
This is about the fear that once crept through the halls of nCw...
And reminding everyone that there is something worth being afraid of in nCw...
There is me...
I am thinking about Lex Sense. I am thinking about barbed wire and flaming death. I am thinking about facing a man who is capable of such beautiful brutality that it almost brings a tear to my eye...
I am thinking I hope this never ends...
"Angel, I need to know what is going on?"
Tara's reflection shines brightly in the window as I subtly smile at her.
"I am thinking..."
"No, I mean with Shelly..."
Her face grimaces at the mention of that name... Shelly...
"I am training her."
"What else?"
"What else is there?"
"Do you still love her?"
Her face contorted, she feared the worst, I do not blame her.
"What is there left for me to love?"
The fear began to melt and I turned away from the drops that were wrapping on my mind to face her.
"She made her choice long ago. I need you to make your's."
"What do you mean?"
"New Championship Wrestling was once a place comprised of the best the wrestling world had to offer but more and more I see what once was slowly dying... I see a promotion on the brink of becoming something more akin to mediocre than... The best. I see the death of nCw approaching."
My mind began to drift. I could see the face of Lex Sense staring back at me through the eyes of the woman I loved. I wondered if he ever felt pain like normal men do... I wondered how much pain it would take for him to quit... I wondered the same about myself as the rain hit the window behind me...
"I've been training... When I'm ready-"
"I am tired of waiting Tara. You need to be ready now."
"But-"
"I said no more excuses once. I meant it. There are less than a hand full of men or women wrestling in nCw right now that know what true sacrifice is. Most of this roster is under the age of twenty five. They do not know what struggle and hard ship are and yet still they whine and complain about getting their shot. No one deserves a shot more than me. No one has given as much as I have. No one has bleed more for nCw than it's Savior."
I do not know if what I said was making her mad, honestly I do not care. I am well past my moment of compassion for her hard ship.
"I will make them tremble again, Tara! I will make each and everyone of them live in fear of the day my name is across from their's and I will not stop until I have the world championship within my grasp again. That belt was wrongly taken from me... It will be mine again..."
She only glared. I could feel the daggers her eyes were projecting. I smiled.
"What do you want from me? I've done my best! I've been busting my ass for you and it's never good enough! You turn to Shelly!? And try to help her!? Where is my help!?"
"Perhaps you do no deserve it."
Her hand flew from her side, I could have caught it but I rather enjoyed the stinging sensation it brought to my face. Is it normal to only feel pain? I wonder if that is all Lex Sense can feel anymore...
"Or maybe you just need to earn it."
"I've given everything for you!"
"Give more."
"I have nothing left!?"
"Then why are you here?"
"You want me gone?"
"I want you to try."
"I DID! AND I FAILED!"
"Then your giving up?"
Her eyes blazed with a fiery rage I have not seen in quite some time.
"I don't give up."
"Prove it."
Her nostrils flared. Her heart raced. I could feel her passion rising.
"At least Shelly tried."
In that moment, in those words, something broke inside of Tara and I thought perhaps I had allowed this lesson to go to far... An object whizzed past my head as she screamed at the top of her lungs. Her son came to watch, my daughter behind him, somewhere an infant cried...
Tara' rage did not stop...
Her fists came at me again and I let them. Her tiny fists pounded against my chest like she were trying to get my heart beating again. I found her response curious, her anger strange, I was not the one who had failed her... She was... Tara did not see it that way.
She grabbed a bag and threatened to leave, I must of laughed because she began to cry. With a bag packed, her son at her side, she stormed out of our house and into the rain... Into the darkness... I hoped she would find the solace she was looking for... A solace I tried to provide... A solace I failed to give her...
I love Tara Fenix... But I could not save her...
Sometimes I wonder if I can even save myself or is all of this, my career, my legacy, my path through nCw one long trip through the valley of death...
Do I want to die?
Is that why I seek men like Lex Sense out and challenge them to challenge me?
Or is it something more?
Do I need to feel pain to feel anything at all?
Am I even a man anymore?
Was I ever?
Pain... Remorse... Regret... These were things most felt in my situation... Fear... Hate... Love... Feelings any normal man, woman or child has on a daily basis... But all I could feel as I stare at these rain drops is wonder...
I wonder if their will be blood...
There does not need to be...
There may well not be...
But will there be?
I think there should be...
I think it will make me happy...
I think blood will make me feel happy...
Yes... There should be blood... There will be blood... Lex Sense will bleed.... I will bleed... The ring will run red with our blood...
And I will be happy...
But it does not matter... It is not important... The dying is what matters...
"You will not be saved through me... You will not be forgiven through me... I will not be your martyr... I will not save you... There will be no mercy... But there will be death."
And that alone makes me smile...
"This will not end until one of us is no longer breathing. And you will not be the one who kills me... The road to redemption you seek does not go through me but I promise it will end with me because you are not worth saving. You never have been. What you seek, what you truly desire is a means to an end. I will provide that end. I will end you because it is what you want, it is what you seek, it is what you need... Sunday I am your servant and I will give you what you seek... The sweet release from the pain of living."
It is dark... It is late... I have a lot to do this week... No matter... For the moment I am content simply to think... To plan... To listen... It's raining in Connecticut tonight...
"In ashes you shall reap."
