My Path To Honor, Part 5 - Ripoff

[Joe Everyman]

I thought about
Leaving but I couldn't even get outta bed
I'm hangin' cause I couldn't get a ride outta town
Now anyone who really wanted me to be down
Come 'round

The scene opens up in front of an nCw banner in the back of the Breaking Away back stage area. Joe Everyman is standing with a full suit and a folder with some papers in it. He looks fairly serious.

Joe Everyman: nCw officials have informed me to explain to the viewing audience that any violence or deaths in the following scene are strictly fictional and nobody was hurt during filming. They can do it during the movies, but nCw has told me I have to go out of the way to tell you so I and anybody else on set doesn't get in trouble, arrested or visited by Bubba at county lock up. Thank you, and please enjoy nCw Entertainment and Joe Everyman Enterprises rendition of a classic film. We present you... Pulp Everyfiction.

Joe reaches off screen and puts on a black wig is slightly long, straight hair and then walks off stage. After a few seconds, Andrew Jacobsen walks across the screen wearing a short black afro and a shaggy looking mustache.

Andrew Jacobsen: Motha f*cka...

The scene fades out as Misirlou starts playing in the back ground. The scene opens up inside of the truck of a car. Joe and Andrew are leaning over it, talking it out.

Andrew Jacobsen: So, you're telling me that there could be up to one guy up there?

Joe Everyman: Including our guy, yeah.

Andrew Jacobsen: Our guy? ...we have somebody on the inside?

Joe Everyman: He's been up there all day, feeling them out, trying to find where it's hidden.

Andrew Jacobsen: So, including our guy, there could be up to two guys up there?

Joe Everyman: Seems like it.

Andrew Jacobsen: We should have f*cking shotguns...

Joe reaches up and shuts the truck as the camera appears outside of the car, following Joe and Andrew now. They come up to the front door of the apartment building they arrived at earlier.

Andrew Jacobsen: Did you hear about Steve Awesome?

Joe Everyman: Didn't he die?

Andrew Jacobsen: Got thrown out of a window by Adam Knite.

Joe Everyman: Jesus, what happened?

They open the doors of the building and walk in. As they get to the opposite wall, Joe hits the button for the elevator to come down.

Andrew Jacobsen: Apparently Adam caught Steve giving Kelly Knite a crotch massage.

Joe Everyman: ...a what now?

Andrew Jacobsen: You know, a crotch massage? ...a "crotch" massage?

Joe Everyman: Oh, right right right. And Adam threw him out a window?

Andrew Jacobsen: I'm not sure he even took a breath before he did it. Poor Steve, now he's got a speech impediment.

Joe Everyman: He didn't before?

The elevator comes down and Joe and Andrew walk in. After a few seconds, the door opens up again, but now it's on the top floor of the apartment building. They continue walking down the hallway.

Joe Everyman: I think we screwed up a line back there. I think we were suppose to be talking about a foot massage.

Andrew then slaps Joe across the face.

Andrew Jacobsen: We want this to be different, dammit!

Joe rubs the side of his face as they keep talking.

Joe Everyman: Would you ever give a girl a crotch massage?

Andrew Jacobsen: Hell yeah, I'm the crotch f*ckin' master.

Joe Everyman: Would you ever give a girl a penis massage?

Andrew Jacobsen: I... I don't follow...

Joe Everyman: You know...

Andrew looks over at Joe.

Andrew Jacobsen: Oh... I see what you did there...



Andrew Jacobsen: F*ck you.

Andrew walks ahead of Joe.

Joe Everyman: Oh come on, it was funny!

Andrew Jacobsen: If this is going to work, you've got to stop trolling me!

Joe Everyman: Ok, I'm sorry.

They finally come to the door. Joe knocks and somebody behind the door opens it. Joe and Andrew walk in to see someone who looks very similar to Ander sitting behind the table, but due to legal reasons, is not Ander. Behind the door stands a man who isn't important to anything yet, so don't pay any attention to him. The camera moves back and sees Joe walk into the kitchen, looking for something. Andrew stands in front of Ander.

Ander Carvetti?: Um... what are you two doing here?

Andrew Jacobsen: We're associates of Leonard Fox. And you ain't talking your ass out of this.

Ander Carvetti?: I didn't say-

Andrew Jacobsen: Dammit, I screwed up another line. Oh well.

Andrew then pulls out a handgun and points it at Ander, who freaks out.

Joe Everyman: Whoa whoa Andrew, don't get too far ahead of yourself here. We still have a little dialogue to go.

Andrew sighs and puts the gun back into his holster. He then looks back down at Ander.

Andrew Jacobsen: Just to speed this up a little bit...

Ander Carvetti?: I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so f*cked up with me and Mr. Fox. We got into this thing with the best intentions and I never-

Andrew then shoots a round into the couch, but nobody is there.

Joe Everyman: Oh dammit, Davey forgot to shot up for his spot. Damn no showers...

Andrew then snaps back, looking at Ander again.

Andrew Jacobsen: I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Leonard Fox look like?

Ander Carvetti?: Why?

Andrew Jacobsen: No, it's "what?"

Joe Everyman: Jesus Ander, are you so bland you can't get one line right?

Ander Carvetti?: What?

Joe Everyman: There ya go!

Andrew Jacobsen: Describe what Leonard Fox looks like!

Ander Carvetti?: Um... he's white.

Andrew Jacobsen: Go on.

Ander Carvetti?: He's old.

Andrew Jacobsen: Does he look like a bitch?!

Ander Carvetti?: What?

Andrew then shoots Ander in the shoulder.

Andrew Jacobsen: I'm sorry Ander, there's suppose to be a big long scene here of me quoting the bible and all, but it seems like Joe found what he needs...

The camera quickly looks over to show Joe looking inside of a briefcase with a golden light emitting out of it. Joe then closes it, walks out into the main room and pulls out his gun.

Andrew Jacobsen: ...so, we're just going to shoot you now.

Joe and Andrew unload their guns into Ander, who falls over, covered in blood. The scene then fades out, just like in the real movie.

Yep Ander, that's what I'm going to be doing this week. And you know why? Because of stupid f*cks like you. People like you tell me every single week I need to do something different. So, I will, just to make you people happy. I find it funny that you bad mouth me for a good while, and yet, it was like you were talking into a mirror. Everything you said could easily be said about you. I guess we're just too similar to be good opponents. Really, if you look at it, you couldn't possibly add anything to make this match LESS bland. Sure, I'll come out and say I have the third worst charisma of anybody in nCw, and I'll be the first to say that I don't have many fans because of it. But as you said, dispute that and every single other fault I've had, I still come out every single week and fight. Win or loss... or a bunch of losses, I still come out and fight my heart out. Who gives a sh*t if I lose alot? It seems like the only people who care about that are the people I'm facing, and then I beat them, and the egg is then on their face.

Call the end of this promo a generic piece of crap if you want, but you won't be thinking that come this Sunday. I am going to clobber you, Ander. Yes, I know this match has some special stipulations on it that makes it harder to bloody you up. But that's ok. I don't need to do that to beat you. I don't need to threaten to end your career to beat you. I don't have to do anything except beat you. And lucky for me, I have the experience and the heart to do so. I used to say don't question my heart because I thought it sounded good, and I genuinely thought it. But I guess I never really thought about it until I heard you talk this week. You questioned my heart, like many fools have done in the past. And this week, I will prove to you and everyone else why I do infact have what it takes to win in this business. Ander, you awoke the wrong lion. Just you wait and see. And don't worry, if you think this is just another Joe Everyman promo, be ready for my next one. I will shock the world, and Ander, I will shock you. This Sunday, my path to honor finishes. This Sunday, I finally shut you up. This Sunday, I prove every single word that you said was a lie.

I may be generic, I may be bland, I may suck, I may have no charisma, but if I was those things, then why did you have so much to say to me? For being like a blank piece of paper, you sure had a lot of things to say about me. So really, in a way, you unjustified everything you said. Just chew on that for a little while and let it settle. I promise you Ander, I will shock the world this week. I will show everyone who's doubted me so heavily over the past two years that I am not done. I will show everyone that I am not finished. I will show everyone that I truly am the best. Even the best fall down sometimes. But for you Ander, you were never the best. Hell, you are barely even outside of the jobber bag. The only reason you got into the position you are in is because management felt sorry for you, same as why Mark Evil and Matt Jackson are getting a Tag Team Championship shot. It is all for sympathy. And sure, you'll counter that with saying that I'm in this title match for the same reason. And I don't really care if that's true or not, because I earned my way into this match, and I will for damn sure not lose to somebody like you. Let this be a warning to you and everybody else who speaks ill of me, Ander. This match, our match, will be that warning. And don't call it a comeback, because I never left.

Thought about
Singin' but I couldn't remember all of the words
Breakin' but I couldn't get the pieces apart
Laughin' never knowing what the joke was about