Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Feb 1, 2012 22:38:42 GMT -6
*We open in on Curtis D. Kanyon on the computer in his locker room. GQ opens the door to the locker room and starts to enter.*
Curtis: Oh yeah, that's the stuff. That's what I'm talking about.
*GQ freezes in disgust.*
Curtis: Yeah, oh that's just what I'm looking for. Mmmm-hmmm.
*GQ starts to step back.*
Curtis: Hey GQ! Get over here and get in on this!
GQ: This is going terribly awry. I don't think I want to.
Curtis: Oh yeah you do.
*Curtis turns around and stands up.*
Curtis: Come see my excitement!
*GQ sheilds his eyes.*
GQ: NOOO!
Curtis: What? I just want you to see all the research I've done! You see, I'm facing Ricky Johnson, and it got me thinking, Ricky Johnson can't possibly be his real name. Because think about it. His name is Richard. And what else is short for Richard? Then his last name is Johnson, guess what that's a euphamism for!?
GQ: What you were just touching?
Curtis: What? No, gross! You would be thinking about me doing that, you fruit!
GQ: I AM NOT GAY!
Curtis: Yeah yeah. Anyway, I guess I'm still in detective mode, becuase I can't believe Ricky Johnson is his real name, so I've been doing research on the web. As we know, everything on the internet is true, but there's so many other people with the speculation as to who he really is as well! I'm surprised so many people care about such a lackluster wrestler when bad ass dudes like myself are around.
GQ: Oh. Well...what did you find?
*Curtis grabs a paper.*
Curtis: A crazy list of things that I wrote down. On wikipedia, it says his name is Richard Copeland, but I thought that was lame. So I went surfing. I found his facebook, but it lead to a guy named Sam Hopkins, I'm thinking it's one of those super fan losers. Then there was a few twitters, but they lead to guys named Hal Jordan, David Banner, Jason Todd, Michael Hikkenbottum and an Engleberg Humperdink.
GQ: I think I've heard of the last one.
Curtis: Yeah, who knew so many people rip off twitter handles. I had a few fakes myself, I'm going to hunt them down. But anyway, I found a message board that believes he's actually Emma Danielson in drag. Now that is totally believable. But crazier than that, I found a website on the naughty end of the internet spectrum, and found some pictures of a guy that looks a hell of a lot like Ricky, named Slut Banwala. Now, maybe it's an imposter, maybe it's one of those life twins, or maybe he was scrapped for cash and needed a quick fix, I don't know. But I never want to see Slut Banwala again.
GQ: So...you spent the day trying to find out Ricky Johnson's real name?
Curtis: Yeah, what else would I be doing?
GQ: Getting ready for the match? Preparing. Training. The usual.
Curtis: Um...do you know who I am? I'm Curtis freakin' D. Kanyon! I'm the baddest sunnuva bitch on the planet! I'm the best in the world! I'm going to be the next National championship! Ricky's done a fine job so far, commendable really. However, now I'm on the hunt for the National title, and I'm going to take it and make it better than it's ever been! I'm all ratings. All glitz, all glamor, all American! Well, except for my stint as governor of Puerto Rico, but that's practically the 51st state, so it still counts. Right?
GQ: I don't think it matters.
Curtis: Oh, it matters. You're damn right it matters! I'm not slacking it, I'm not on cruise control here, although we all know I would still win if I was. I am here to beat that tool bag Ricky Johnson, or Slut Banwala, or whatever his name is! He's been a fighting champion, and that's fantastic. But he's no Curtis D. Kanyon. He won't make the ladies swoon like I do! We won't make the children want to be him like I do! He doesn't shine like a beacon of truth and justice as a role model for all like I do!
GQ: I don't think any of those fit a description of you.
Curtis: Of course they do! I'm amazing! For Ricky to believe I'm fighting him out of the kindness of my heart to Adam, and not because I just want that gold is just freaking crazy! I showed Ricky I'm ready to fight, but this time, it won't end with me BANG!ing a partner, and it won't end with a double count out. It's going to end with Ricky looking up at the lights and me holding the gold high above my head! Hot damn! I can't wait! I'm going to tell everybody!
*Curtis runs off. GQ stands there. He then looks around. He goes back and slowly closes the door. GQ then goes over to the computer and sits down. The camera pans over to look over his shoulder as he starts typing.*
GQ: S-L-U-T B-A-N-W-A-L-A...oh my...
*The screen shows:
The scene fades.*
Curtis: Oh yeah, that's the stuff. That's what I'm talking about.
*GQ freezes in disgust.*
Curtis: Yeah, oh that's just what I'm looking for. Mmmm-hmmm.
*GQ starts to step back.*
Curtis: Hey GQ! Get over here and get in on this!
GQ: This is going terribly awry. I don't think I want to.
Curtis: Oh yeah you do.
*Curtis turns around and stands up.*
Curtis: Come see my excitement!
*GQ sheilds his eyes.*
GQ: NOOO!
Curtis: What? I just want you to see all the research I've done! You see, I'm facing Ricky Johnson, and it got me thinking, Ricky Johnson can't possibly be his real name. Because think about it. His name is Richard. And what else is short for Richard? Then his last name is Johnson, guess what that's a euphamism for!?
GQ: What you were just touching?
Curtis: What? No, gross! You would be thinking about me doing that, you fruit!
GQ: I AM NOT GAY!
Curtis: Yeah yeah. Anyway, I guess I'm still in detective mode, becuase I can't believe Ricky Johnson is his real name, so I've been doing research on the web. As we know, everything on the internet is true, but there's so many other people with the speculation as to who he really is as well! I'm surprised so many people care about such a lackluster wrestler when bad ass dudes like myself are around.
GQ: Oh. Well...what did you find?
*Curtis grabs a paper.*
Curtis: A crazy list of things that I wrote down. On wikipedia, it says his name is Richard Copeland, but I thought that was lame. So I went surfing. I found his facebook, but it lead to a guy named Sam Hopkins, I'm thinking it's one of those super fan losers. Then there was a few twitters, but they lead to guys named Hal Jordan, David Banner, Jason Todd, Michael Hikkenbottum and an Engleberg Humperdink.
GQ: I think I've heard of the last one.
Curtis: Yeah, who knew so many people rip off twitter handles. I had a few fakes myself, I'm going to hunt them down. But anyway, I found a message board that believes he's actually Emma Danielson in drag. Now that is totally believable. But crazier than that, I found a website on the naughty end of the internet spectrum, and found some pictures of a guy that looks a hell of a lot like Ricky, named Slut Banwala. Now, maybe it's an imposter, maybe it's one of those life twins, or maybe he was scrapped for cash and needed a quick fix, I don't know. But I never want to see Slut Banwala again.
GQ: So...you spent the day trying to find out Ricky Johnson's real name?
Curtis: Yeah, what else would I be doing?
GQ: Getting ready for the match? Preparing. Training. The usual.
Curtis: Um...do you know who I am? I'm Curtis freakin' D. Kanyon! I'm the baddest sunnuva bitch on the planet! I'm the best in the world! I'm going to be the next National championship! Ricky's done a fine job so far, commendable really. However, now I'm on the hunt for the National title, and I'm going to take it and make it better than it's ever been! I'm all ratings. All glitz, all glamor, all American! Well, except for my stint as governor of Puerto Rico, but that's practically the 51st state, so it still counts. Right?
GQ: I don't think it matters.
Curtis: Oh, it matters. You're damn right it matters! I'm not slacking it, I'm not on cruise control here, although we all know I would still win if I was. I am here to beat that tool bag Ricky Johnson, or Slut Banwala, or whatever his name is! He's been a fighting champion, and that's fantastic. But he's no Curtis D. Kanyon. He won't make the ladies swoon like I do! We won't make the children want to be him like I do! He doesn't shine like a beacon of truth and justice as a role model for all like I do!
GQ: I don't think any of those fit a description of you.
Curtis: Of course they do! I'm amazing! For Ricky to believe I'm fighting him out of the kindness of my heart to Adam, and not because I just want that gold is just freaking crazy! I showed Ricky I'm ready to fight, but this time, it won't end with me BANG!ing a partner, and it won't end with a double count out. It's going to end with Ricky looking up at the lights and me holding the gold high above my head! Hot damn! I can't wait! I'm going to tell everybody!
*Curtis runs off. GQ stands there. He then looks around. He goes back and slowly closes the door. GQ then goes over to the computer and sits down. The camera pans over to look over his shoulder as he starts typing.*
GQ: S-L-U-T B-A-N-W-A-L-A...oh my...
*The screen shows:
The scene fades.*
