Stronger than yesterday

[Ayla St. James]

People are frail.. this isn't exactly a hidden fact. I've cracked and crumbled on more occasions than I'd like to admit, but every time I do, I get back up.

Maybe not smarter..

But definitely more determined.

I can say that I'm a better person, but that's only what I believe. It's the other people who have to believe in you, to make you that better person. Because even the villain believes in the end that they are justified. I put my belief in people who said they believed in me, all the while hiding a knife behind their back, just waiting for me to leave an opening.

I was betrayed..

I nearly died..

And yet, here I am. Having to listen to people tell me I'm not worth anything. I reached out to people for friendship, and so few believed I was sincere. I was scoffed, dismissed, and shown the harsh reality of this business first hand. I made a mistake, taking a job a much smarter woman had turned down, and in the end I became everything I was perceived to be in the life I left behind for this. The subject of scorn, ridicule and male fantasy's. I hate everything.. who I was.. the people who betrayed me.. the people who scorned me in the first place.. I hated it all.

I tried to change it, but in the end.. I had to walk away to kill the hate in my heart.

I came back to salvage my life, the one I had been trying to build. I came back with a defined purpose, and though some people would deny it, or spin it to make their own point. They know what it was about. But all that is over now.. I saved my life..

Now it's time to save my career.

Two years ago, on the biggest stage of the year, I was defeated by someone who was a much better person than I. And in the end, she showed kindness instead of mockery. I never got the chance to thank her for it.. so, rather than dwell on that, I'd rather just lay it all out there.

I'm sorry to everyone whose phone calls went unreturned, whose kind words went unnoticed.

And thank you.. for holding my hand when I needed strength.. and for letting go when I needed to stand on my own.

I'm not going to make any promises..

I'm just going to be better...

---

Ayla was sitting in a coffee shop. She had just finished meeting with "the other", and the meeting had been pleasant enough. Pretty much how she expected it to go. If you're looking to see that meeting, you're going to have to look elsewhere. She idly nibbled on a glazed donut, when a voice came out excitedly.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod it's youuuu!

A woman, in her early twenties ran over, and practically knocked the table over when she sat down. She was slim, with dark hair, and was so excited she was shaking.

Uhh yea.. it's me!

Ayla did a pose, though she was unsure as to why. Maybe something to do with not wanting to disapoint a fan.

Oh, I just want to say you're amazing! I've seen all of your work, and you're real inspiring to girls trying to break into the business.

Ayla smiled. She was never rushed by fans, not like Crystal was, but the odd one here or there was nice.

Thank you. Nice to know my work is appreciated.

I'm trying to get into the business myself, but it's rough going.. all these meetings and trying to find a good quality company that does tasteful work.

Yea, I got pretty lucky there. But don't fret, I'm sure if you keep at it, you'll find your way if you want it bad enough.

The girl beemed as if she'd been given a compliment by her idol. Then she produced a black sharpie.

If it's not too much trouble, could I get you to sign something? It would mean a lot to me.

Ayla took the marker. I mean, why not? Gotta give love back, right?

Ok, do you have something to sign?

The girl lifted her shirt up, and pointed to a section of her chest, just over her right bra cup. Ayla was taken aback, but then again, it wasn't the first time. Except usually it was guys who asked her to sign their body.

Here please...

Haha... ok..

Ayla neatly penned Ayla St. James on her skin, and closed the marker. The woman took it and put it away.

Thank you so much! Those porn directors will really know I got the goods if they see your siggy on me..

Ayla blinked, the words registering.. Porn? Wait what? The woman looked at Ayla's handiwork and then back at her.

Who.. is Ayla St. James?

Uhhh that's me...

...Who the hell are you?

I'm a professional wrestler...

So, you're not Jill Kelly?

Ah.. no..

There was an awkward pause.

I... gotta go..

You should..

And she was gone. Ayla suddenly felt less than stellar about the whole scene. What made matters worse was now a few people had seen the exchange and were wondering what it was all about.

It's a sad day when you get mistaken for someone else.. but why of all the things did it have to be a porn star? This isn't starting off well.

---

This is about Rayne.. or me.. or you..

This is about us.

I know you like to sit on your ivory pedastal now and again and throw down insults from en high like the Queen. But in reality, is your life so perfect?

I didn't think so.

I could rub it in. I could spend the next twenty minutes describing in vivid detail what Adam and Ashlie could be doing. All the secret dirty things she does that you don't. All the possible reasons why he's with her and not you. I could go into all the blame game, list off reasons why it could be your fault. I mean, after all..

I know..

But why? What does that accomplish? You have enough problems, and unlike you, I don't sit here trying to find and nitpick each aspect of your personal life like I have nothing better to do. Don't think I forgot.. each week, you sitting in your little office, writing your column as a simple excuse to talk about everyone except yourself.

Must be great to keep talking when there are no dissenting voices, isn't it?

I'm happy with my life, thank you very much. I have a man who loves me. Friends who love me. and what we do behind the privacy of closed doors really is none of your concern. But nooo.. I can't sit through one Kelly Knite promo without hearing a joke about lesbianism.

I like to have fun with other women, get over it. Find other things to talk about.

Recently it seems that we've been in the same boat. But I have the courage to take that leap and ask the tough questions, because I'm not afraid of getting hurt any more. I understand that there might be consequences to the answers I might get. I'm not afraid to have to let go of something, when I know that letting go will be better in the long run, no matter how it hurts today.

You may own this big multi million dollar company.. and how bad it tires you. How much effort you have to put in.

But maybe you should worry about growing up first.

That's not an insult, that's advice.

This isn't about your company ownership, or my sexuality. This is about us, fighting our wittle hearts out, because this is the life we choose to live. If all you can think about is where he is, or what he's doing and who he's doing it with, and still don't have the courage to ask him yourself..

Then I will beat you..

And I'll do it for me..

Kisses,

Love Ayla.