Post by JackHammer on Jun 17, 2012 2:17:12 GMT -6
Over the past few days JackHammer has been training hard for his match against Curtis Kanyon, he has done all the classic wrestling trainings that you can imagine, like flying to the Canadian Rockies to go snow boarding for a few days, to jogging the streets of Chicago, he then spent a few alcohol free nights out Curtiscing with his hot wife and a few other things with Angel behind closed doors and I have to say this has certainly whipped him into shape, I mean who said training had to be boring? I mean nothing beats JackHammer’s work out regime when it comes for limbering up his body and toning up his muscles, and now JackHammer is ready to not only wrestle this Sunday but he is ready to win…But still there is one piece of the puzzle missing and that piece is Curtis Kanyon…JackHammer has searched high and low for his opponent or for at least dirt on him so that eh can trash the retard into the ground…But alas…No Prevail…But JackHammer does have a plan…Oh yes, JackHammer is gonna track down Curtis Kanyon if it’s the last thing he does…And then he is gonna beat him into submission and collect the bounty on his head!
JackHammer sits in his office in downtown Chicago, he looks at the computer screen which displays a list of America’s most wanted, now not many of you know this but JackHammer from time to time likes to partake in…The watching of Dog The Bounty Hunter, Yes that’s it JackHammer watches DOG, but for some unknown reason this weeks episode seems to have inspired him to have a go a bounty hunting himself, I mean if you go by Dog’s rules on bounty hunting you have to be fit, which JackHammer is, you have to have strong conviction, again something JackHammer has and you have to dress funny and have a strange hair cut…And well I am pretty sure JackHammer has that covered, so here he is about to read out loud the names of America’s 10 most wanted!
“Jeff Flores: Wanted for Unlawful Flight to Avoid Prosecution.”
“Amy Roberts: Wanted for Capital Murder.”
“Tyrone Bester: Wanted for Murder”
As he is about to continue he stops looking intently at the flashing screen and that the name and the picture of the convict!!!
JackHammer: Curtis Kanyon…Wanted for the sexual molestation of 25 farm yard animals, the murder of his gay lover and for open acts of incest on the internet![/color]
JackHammer’s eyes widen as he can feel his anger boil up, he already thought his opponent had a body made of Spam but this goes above and beyond anything he could have imagined, ok Curtis Kanyon does look like he should live in a barn but that doesn’t mean he can play around with cows and horses!!! His eye’s then scan the description of Curtis Kanyon just to make sure it’s the same guy.[/color]
JackHammer: Hideous, Small, White and smells like a Cornish pasty! Yep it’s the same guy.[/color]
He then hit’s print and waits for the image to come through before looking at it closely![/color]
JackHammer: I have you in my sights now! You’re going down![/color]
With these words said JackHammer springs into action jumping up out of his seat, he runs across his office, which strangely enough looks a hell of a lot like his bed room and to his wardrobe where he takes out a black silk vest.[/color]
JackHammer: Right, that’s my bullet proof vest right there.[/color]
He then pulls out a pair of baggy combat jeans and slides them on, he then slips his “bullet proof” vest on and heads out of the door, into Bounty HQ AKA his living room, JackHammer slides on his black work boots and picks up a set of keys which lay dormant on his coffee table, he glances around the room making sure that everything is in place and then exits the room.
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Moments later JackHammer is seen on driving his truck wearing dark shades and leather fingerless gloves, he looks at the camera man who is following him about for reasons unbeknown to Jehovah himself and begins to talk.[/color]
JackHammer: well you see bounty hunting is a hard job, and in this instant I have no leads other than the fact that you can smell Curtis Kanyon a mile away, when this guy raises his arms the sweat from his pits is enough to knock out an elephant, which is why I have to make sure that my hand is raised at the end of the night, I need to save the NCW from a law suit because if the fans smell Curtis Kanyon there will be mass genocide! This guy is a menace to society, especially farm yard animals and he needs to be taken into custody! And I just happen to be the one man, who is brave enough to do it, how do I get over the repulsive stench? I wear buckets of cologne that’s how![/color]
JackHammer continues driving and then comes a stark realisation.[/color]
JackHammer: I think I have a lead, men like Curtis Kanyon who arte grotesquely interbred often have strong family ties, they can’t help it when their spouse and sister are the same person, so I think I have a clue as to where Curtis Kanyon may be hiding out…[/color]
JackHammer pulls his truck over and reaches into his pocket taking out his mobile, he double checks and then dials Big D’s mother, you may be wondering why JackHammer has Curtis Kanyon mothers number but you see she is the local crack whore and while JackHammer hasn’t slept with her he does have her number, I mean JackHammer never knows if he needs to use her to help him gain something he wants, his initial idea was to have her seduce Joe Everyman and bare his children, so that way JackHammer could get a title shot once Joe Everyman becomes world champion, this backfired however when JackHammer realised that Joe Everyman is not only spoken for and that the fact that not every “white rapper” has a penchant for crack whores.[/color]
JackHammer: Hello? Missus Curtis Kanyon? It’s JackHammer! No…I didn’t say I wanted sex I said It’s JackHammer…No god darn it I don’t want a blow job…How cheap…Da*n that’s a good price but still the answer is no! Listen I am looking for your son, what do you mean which one? I am talking about Curtis! Yes Curtis Cletus Leopold Kanyon! Is he with you? He is…Well keep him busy I’ll be on my way…ewe…. That’s disgusting, he’s your son…But if you think that will keep him occupied long enough then you go for it![/color]
JackHammer hangs up the phone and looks back at the camera.[/color]
JackHammer: I was right Curtis Kanyon is somewhat of a momma’s boy! *Shudders* A little more than most I might add but a momma’s boy all the same.[/color]
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The scene re-opens with JackHammer stepping out of his hummer, in his hand he holds a can of Mace (Deodorant) and in the other a flash light, which he is pretending is his truncheon, JackHammer then walks across the down trodden grass and two the house which is no bigger than a garden shed, he creeps slowly imitating Solid Snake somewhat and makes his way to the door, before he enters he turns back to the camera man once again.[/color]
JackHammer: as you can tell Curtis Kanyon is here, in between the smell of crap and unwashed vagina’s you can make out the faint smell of his existence, now most men on the run from the law usually come from poor backgrounds such as this, but Curtis Kanyon is an exception not only is he a complete and utter tramp he is also a hermaphrodite and obviously inbred, which makes him a very Curtisgerous individual indeed, I am pretty sure he has a varied collection of sexual transmitted diseases as well as hygiene issues spanning from his armpits down to his scrotum, this is more than likely due to the fact that he washes in his mothers urine and uses her saggy wrinkly breasts as a towel, but now I have him where I want him, and that’s face down in his mothers crotch.[/color]
JackHammer then knocks on the door as you hear a gasp of shock and some hustling around inside.[/color]
JackHammer: Open up! This is JackHammer THE BOUNTY HUNTER![/color]
You here the faint sound of Curtis Kanyon mothers voice saying “quick hide Sex the bootie hunter is here” again JackHammer shudders as Curtis Kanyon’s mother opens the door, and JackHammer is shocked how repugnant this woman actually is…[/color]
JackHammer: Jesus Christ![/color]
Curtis Kanyon’s mum: Erm no…My name is Darcy…And who might you be?[/color]
JackHammer: I’m JackHammer the bounty hunter, I am here to take you son in.[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: You’re a bounty hunter? I mean to me with that hair cut and that vest you look more like a Homo…[/color]
JackHammer: Cool! But seriously is your dumb inbred swine of a son in?[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: No![/color]
JackHammer: What? You let him go? I asked you to keep him occupied; you said you were going to get a little jiggy with him until I got here![/color]
Darcy Kanyon: I know, but you took to long![/color]
JackHammer: I was five minutes![/color]
Darcy Kanyon: But Curtis only needs three and that’s it he has blown his load, all over my face I might add.[/color]
JackHammer *covering his mouth trying not to be sick*: What…That’s just…Wrong! So…Erm do you know where he is?[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: Well…why don’t you come in for a while…[/color]
JackHammer: No way, listen I have seen the hills have eyes and Texas chain saw massacre there ain’t no way I am coming in there.[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: Well at least tell me what my son has done wrong?[/color]
JackHammer: he is wanted for the sexual molestation of 25 farm animals, open acts of incest on the internet…And…[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: Those things ain’t against the law; we do them all the time![/color]
Again JackHammer has to stop himself from throwing up.[/color]
JackHammer: Right, he is also wanted for the murder of his gay lover, a Mr Steve Curry.[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: Steve? Nah Steve was already dead when Curtis Kanyon had sex with him, hell we all had sex with him, Curtis was upset when the police come and took him away, I am pretty sure that once he is buried Curtis will dig him up and see him one last time.[/color]
JackHammer: This is too shocking…Even for you…So please can you tell me where Curtis Kanyon is?[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: He is in the barn around the back![/color]
JackHammer: THE BARN…NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/color]
JackHammer quickly runs around the house or shed as it was and to the barn where you can here the noise of a cow moaning and a chicken making that wired noise that a chicken makes, JackHammer races into the barn and to his shock he catches Curtis Kanyon red handed, there he stands groin stuffed up a cow whilst licking the butt hole of a chicken, JackHammer hits action mode, you know the effect they use in the 300 movie when they slow down the battle, he darts at Curtis Kanyon (look-a-like) and boots him in the back, Curtis Kanyon turns only to be sprayed in the face and body thus rendering his grotesque smell un…Un…Un-render-able, JackHammer quickly bashes him over the head with the torch and then slides his hands in his pocket producing a pair of handcuffs, JackHammer then cuffs Curtis Kanyon and looks up at the camera.[/color]
JackHammer: He may be big and lively but he wasn’t a match for JackHammer The Bounty Hunter![/color]
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The scene once again opens with JackHammer, the victor laying back on his sofa enjoying a nice cup of coco with his feet up and a job well done, JackHammer smiles up at the camera and then talks.[/color]
JackHammer: It may be all fun and games now Curtis Kanyon but come Sunday you will see the serious side to what I can do, mark my words on that![/color]
With that said JackHammer takes a sip of his coco as the scene ends.
Fade to black..........................[/color]
JackHammer sits in his office in downtown Chicago, he looks at the computer screen which displays a list of America’s most wanted, now not many of you know this but JackHammer from time to time likes to partake in…The watching of Dog The Bounty Hunter, Yes that’s it JackHammer watches DOG, but for some unknown reason this weeks episode seems to have inspired him to have a go a bounty hunting himself, I mean if you go by Dog’s rules on bounty hunting you have to be fit, which JackHammer is, you have to have strong conviction, again something JackHammer has and you have to dress funny and have a strange hair cut…And well I am pretty sure JackHammer has that covered, so here he is about to read out loud the names of America’s 10 most wanted!
“Jeff Flores: Wanted for Unlawful Flight to Avoid Prosecution.”
“Amy Roberts: Wanted for Capital Murder.”
“Tyrone Bester: Wanted for Murder”
As he is about to continue he stops looking intently at the flashing screen and that the name and the picture of the convict!!!
JackHammer: Curtis Kanyon…Wanted for the sexual molestation of 25 farm yard animals, the murder of his gay lover and for open acts of incest on the internet![/color]
JackHammer’s eyes widen as he can feel his anger boil up, he already thought his opponent had a body made of Spam but this goes above and beyond anything he could have imagined, ok Curtis Kanyon does look like he should live in a barn but that doesn’t mean he can play around with cows and horses!!! His eye’s then scan the description of Curtis Kanyon just to make sure it’s the same guy.[/color]
JackHammer: Hideous, Small, White and smells like a Cornish pasty! Yep it’s the same guy.[/color]
He then hit’s print and waits for the image to come through before looking at it closely![/color]
JackHammer: I have you in my sights now! You’re going down![/color]
With these words said JackHammer springs into action jumping up out of his seat, he runs across his office, which strangely enough looks a hell of a lot like his bed room and to his wardrobe where he takes out a black silk vest.[/color]
JackHammer: Right, that’s my bullet proof vest right there.[/color]
He then pulls out a pair of baggy combat jeans and slides them on, he then slips his “bullet proof” vest on and heads out of the door, into Bounty HQ AKA his living room, JackHammer slides on his black work boots and picks up a set of keys which lay dormant on his coffee table, he glances around the room making sure that everything is in place and then exits the room.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moments later JackHammer is seen on driving his truck wearing dark shades and leather fingerless gloves, he looks at the camera man who is following him about for reasons unbeknown to Jehovah himself and begins to talk.[/color]
JackHammer: well you see bounty hunting is a hard job, and in this instant I have no leads other than the fact that you can smell Curtis Kanyon a mile away, when this guy raises his arms the sweat from his pits is enough to knock out an elephant, which is why I have to make sure that my hand is raised at the end of the night, I need to save the NCW from a law suit because if the fans smell Curtis Kanyon there will be mass genocide! This guy is a menace to society, especially farm yard animals and he needs to be taken into custody! And I just happen to be the one man, who is brave enough to do it, how do I get over the repulsive stench? I wear buckets of cologne that’s how![/color]
JackHammer continues driving and then comes a stark realisation.[/color]
JackHammer: I think I have a lead, men like Curtis Kanyon who arte grotesquely interbred often have strong family ties, they can’t help it when their spouse and sister are the same person, so I think I have a clue as to where Curtis Kanyon may be hiding out…[/color]
JackHammer pulls his truck over and reaches into his pocket taking out his mobile, he double checks and then dials Big D’s mother, you may be wondering why JackHammer has Curtis Kanyon mothers number but you see she is the local crack whore and while JackHammer hasn’t slept with her he does have her number, I mean JackHammer never knows if he needs to use her to help him gain something he wants, his initial idea was to have her seduce Joe Everyman and bare his children, so that way JackHammer could get a title shot once Joe Everyman becomes world champion, this backfired however when JackHammer realised that Joe Everyman is not only spoken for and that the fact that not every “white rapper” has a penchant for crack whores.[/color]
JackHammer: Hello? Missus Curtis Kanyon? It’s JackHammer! No…I didn’t say I wanted sex I said It’s JackHammer…No god darn it I don’t want a blow job…How cheap…Da*n that’s a good price but still the answer is no! Listen I am looking for your son, what do you mean which one? I am talking about Curtis! Yes Curtis Cletus Leopold Kanyon! Is he with you? He is…Well keep him busy I’ll be on my way…ewe…. That’s disgusting, he’s your son…But if you think that will keep him occupied long enough then you go for it![/color]
JackHammer hangs up the phone and looks back at the camera.[/color]
JackHammer: I was right Curtis Kanyon is somewhat of a momma’s boy! *Shudders* A little more than most I might add but a momma’s boy all the same.[/color]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene re-opens with JackHammer stepping out of his hummer, in his hand he holds a can of Mace (Deodorant) and in the other a flash light, which he is pretending is his truncheon, JackHammer then walks across the down trodden grass and two the house which is no bigger than a garden shed, he creeps slowly imitating Solid Snake somewhat and makes his way to the door, before he enters he turns back to the camera man once again.[/color]
JackHammer: as you can tell Curtis Kanyon is here, in between the smell of crap and unwashed vagina’s you can make out the faint smell of his existence, now most men on the run from the law usually come from poor backgrounds such as this, but Curtis Kanyon is an exception not only is he a complete and utter tramp he is also a hermaphrodite and obviously inbred, which makes him a very Curtisgerous individual indeed, I am pretty sure he has a varied collection of sexual transmitted diseases as well as hygiene issues spanning from his armpits down to his scrotum, this is more than likely due to the fact that he washes in his mothers urine and uses her saggy wrinkly breasts as a towel, but now I have him where I want him, and that’s face down in his mothers crotch.[/color]
JackHammer then knocks on the door as you hear a gasp of shock and some hustling around inside.[/color]
JackHammer: Open up! This is JackHammer THE BOUNTY HUNTER![/color]
You here the faint sound of Curtis Kanyon mothers voice saying “quick hide Sex the bootie hunter is here” again JackHammer shudders as Curtis Kanyon’s mother opens the door, and JackHammer is shocked how repugnant this woman actually is…[/color]
JackHammer: Jesus Christ![/color]
Curtis Kanyon’s mum: Erm no…My name is Darcy…And who might you be?[/color]
JackHammer: I’m JackHammer the bounty hunter, I am here to take you son in.[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: You’re a bounty hunter? I mean to me with that hair cut and that vest you look more like a Homo…[/color]
JackHammer: Cool! But seriously is your dumb inbred swine of a son in?[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: No![/color]
JackHammer: What? You let him go? I asked you to keep him occupied; you said you were going to get a little jiggy with him until I got here![/color]
Darcy Kanyon: I know, but you took to long![/color]
JackHammer: I was five minutes![/color]
Darcy Kanyon: But Curtis only needs three and that’s it he has blown his load, all over my face I might add.[/color]
JackHammer *covering his mouth trying not to be sick*: What…That’s just…Wrong! So…Erm do you know where he is?[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: Well…why don’t you come in for a while…[/color]
JackHammer: No way, listen I have seen the hills have eyes and Texas chain saw massacre there ain’t no way I am coming in there.[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: Well at least tell me what my son has done wrong?[/color]
JackHammer: he is wanted for the sexual molestation of 25 farm animals, open acts of incest on the internet…And…[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: Those things ain’t against the law; we do them all the time![/color]
Again JackHammer has to stop himself from throwing up.[/color]
JackHammer: Right, he is also wanted for the murder of his gay lover, a Mr Steve Curry.[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: Steve? Nah Steve was already dead when Curtis Kanyon had sex with him, hell we all had sex with him, Curtis was upset when the police come and took him away, I am pretty sure that once he is buried Curtis will dig him up and see him one last time.[/color]
JackHammer: This is too shocking…Even for you…So please can you tell me where Curtis Kanyon is?[/color]
Darcy Kanyon: He is in the barn around the back![/color]
JackHammer: THE BARN…NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/color]
JackHammer quickly runs around the house or shed as it was and to the barn where you can here the noise of a cow moaning and a chicken making that wired noise that a chicken makes, JackHammer races into the barn and to his shock he catches Curtis Kanyon red handed, there he stands groin stuffed up a cow whilst licking the butt hole of a chicken, JackHammer hits action mode, you know the effect they use in the 300 movie when they slow down the battle, he darts at Curtis Kanyon (look-a-like) and boots him in the back, Curtis Kanyon turns only to be sprayed in the face and body thus rendering his grotesque smell un…Un…Un-render-able, JackHammer quickly bashes him over the head with the torch and then slides his hands in his pocket producing a pair of handcuffs, JackHammer then cuffs Curtis Kanyon and looks up at the camera.[/color]
JackHammer: He may be big and lively but he wasn’t a match for JackHammer The Bounty Hunter![/color]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene once again opens with JackHammer, the victor laying back on his sofa enjoying a nice cup of coco with his feet up and a job well done, JackHammer smiles up at the camera and then talks.[/color]
JackHammer: It may be all fun and games now Curtis Kanyon but come Sunday you will see the serious side to what I can do, mark my words on that![/color]
With that said JackHammer takes a sip of his coco as the scene ends.
Fade to black..........................[/color]
