Washing Away Me In The Tides

[Brad Kane]

~Disgusted with what I see
So many pieces left of you and me
Glass falls like rain
I'll crucify you for this pain~

I find myself alone right now sitting on the hood of my rental car. Third viewing of The Dark Knight Rises already. Keeps my mind off of so many things. Nina saw it once, was enough for her. She's back at the hotel skyping with the kids. I look up at the stars as they all stare back at me. Cars are going past, a few people still in pure amazement or disgust from the film. More and more people leave until the lot is nearly empty. Just me, my rental, and my thoughts.

"There was a time in my life when I had no place to live. No family to speak of. Just myself trying to hide away in the school building until someone found out and placed me into foster care. Seems like most of the roster in this company has had some hard upbringing. I'm no different than the rest. We all know this. What I've never told anyone, anyone that cares anyways, is that I didn't have a home for some time.

My uncle from our mother's side, he was a cruel man. Didn't much care for having me intrude into his perfect life. He wanted nothing to do with me on a long term basis. How I ended up there instead of going with Spike is beyond me. Maybe it had something to do with our father, don't know. But this man, he hated me. He had two kids and a wife and that was a enough. That was all he wanted in life.

So here comes Bradley Allen. Six or seven years old, scared, confused, and wondering why the hell he had to bury his mother. It made no sense to me at the time. Six years later I finally had enough of the mental and physical abuse. I left in the middle of the night. They never even reported me as missing. Then she saved me. Her family saved me. Why they took me in when I was dating their daughter still baffles me as well. The first eighteen years of my life are so damn confusing I'm not sure how I got to this point."

Cars zoom past yet. A few loud radios are booming but that's only natural. I sigh while looking into the sky yet. The beauty of the stars is still breath taking on the right kind of night.

"So her family takes me in. They treat me like one of their own. Despite what has happened in the past year, they still treat me like one of their own. They hate their own daughter for what she did to me. How screwed up is that? They love me and hate her. Even after I knocked her up in high school, even after I messed up in college by wrecking my knee and not rehabbing correctly, they still looked at me as their own son.

While this might not mean a whole lot to anyone but me, it means something. For a long time in my life I never really understood what it meant to love someone. I tossed the word around her for so long without never knowing what it meant. The first night we had sex we said it. The homecoming dances, the proms, and all of the school functions we said it. That word never had the bearing on me that it does now.

When I look at my future wife, I can safely say I mean it when I use that word. I'm not just tossing it out there because I think it was the right thing to say in a situation. That word has gotten more of us into problems than anything else in the world. That word has caused so much pain and hurt. It nearly brought my own entire world down due to my own stupidity. The most dangerous four letters in the entire history of mankind. This is why I'm sitting here right now on the hood of this car. If I had my way I'd be at home enjoying retirement."

The idea of lounging around all day with the kids, making sure they're well taken care of is a dream. The idea of reopening a bar in Ames is something I'd love to do in the future. I wanted to be done. Not yet.

~Tonight I leave this town
In love I'd burn it all down
(To the ground) you're nothing to me
(To the ground) you're ****ing killing me~

"Instead I'm still in professional wrestling. One of the biggest matches of my career. Not hyperbole. This is the truth. Never before have I been in a match so personal. Everyone knows. But you, Lex, speak of me like I fear of my end. If this were to be my last time in that ring then so be it. If my doctor sees this match and tells me to get my ass into the office for all of his exams then I'll go. He'll tell me to stop it for good.

You don't understand what I'm putting on the line still Lex. You don't get that if I win or lose I can still go home knowing that we're done. I know down the line we'd be matched up again in some manner. Then we'll go back down this road again and again. This is going to be a never ending cycle. We could face off every single night for the next year and this wouldn't be over. I think this company knows this.

If they allow us to keep going at this rate one of us is going to end up gone forever. I keep coming back from neck problems because I can't quit until I feel satisifed with my own career. There are so many things missing from me shutting down for good. Do you know how badly I wish this could've just stopped back at A Night to Remember. I never wanted it to go this way. I wanted to be the hero. I wanted to come in, save my own day, and leave two months ago.

But you messed up my plans. If it wasn't for your pride, Lex, I'd be gone already. You had to keep dragging this out. You tried to kill me two months ago. If we had just had all of that agression out that night, you'd be doing something else besides getting into the ring with me in two nights. This is why every time you say something I just shake my head. You'll never understand why I'm doing this. My mind keeps changing all the time about why I have to do this.

I don't need to prove myself to anyone anymore but I feel like I do. I don't need to beat you to get over Megan ripping out my heart because I was put in a better place for it. Truth be told Lex, you were a small catalyst. For so long Megan and I were close to signing papers. We stuck together for the kids. Then you just happened to do your part in this sick story. You were meant to be a chapter in my life. Now you're an entire act.

An act in my life I could've gone without. So easily I would've preferred for everything to go according to how Megan and I had it planned. Instead she releases a DVD of all the men she's banged in this company to make some quick money. Now she just stays at your side like the leech she is. Once she bleeds you dry, Lex, then you'll laugh at everything we've done through since April. Two nights, though, I bleed you dry."

I sigh before sliding off of the hood. After I rub my eyes trying to keep myself cool and collected as I possibly can a few more people walk by still amped up from the movie. I was the same way last night. Brings a slight smile to my face.

~Longing to see your face
So my hand can form into a mace
Everything smells of you
Even the gasoline that covers you~

"Its funny how you keep mentioning death to me. I don't fear my death, Lex. Whether my own life or my career. When you're free from the fear of the unknown you're liberated. Do I worry? Sometimes but I don't fear it anymore. One instant and I'm gone forever. Snap of a finger, you're gone forever. How would we be remembed the best, Lex? How would you be remembered? Would you be the man who won a couple of tag title belts?

No.

If you died tomorrow, you'd only be known as the guy who knocked up Megan Kane. This is your lasting image right now in professional wrestling. If this company closed, and I hope it doesn't, this would be your fate. Not for your wrestling ability but for what you did outside of the ring. This is everyone's memory of you if you died tomorrow. Not the man who has tried so hard to make me fear you. Not the man who did well in the ring.

For all of your speak about breaking me, for all of your bravado about how you've constantly gotten the best of me time and time again, how have you done it exactly? Did you already forget that you had security take place at ringside to keep me from attacking you? Did I need security to back me up all of these months? I took what I knew what was coming. I knew you would show up and sneak attack me.

I knew what you were doing Lex. This is the beauty of it. You still act like I have never been in postions like this before in my career. I've been doing this longer then you've been out of the asylum. As I've said so many times so many men have tried doing this to me. They've all failed. What makes you different than the rest? That this is a bit more personal? Spike threw out the wild claim that he slept with Megan.

Oddly enough it was Lance Ryan who at one time told me that this would happen. How I wish I listened to my mentor more closely. Those men have tried to get the best of me. Just like how you're trying to get the better of me and despite your efforts, its not working. You're not learning from them like you should be. Instead you're doing the same song and dance I've heard from people for the past five years.

Everything, Lex, everything you've said, you've done since April is just nothing new as I said. If you want to take away my career then best of luck to you. You keep trying and trying. Still standing. If I can help it on Sunday night, I'll still be standing on my own two feet just like I have been for the past eight years of my life in the middle of that ring. Blood pouring down my face, cuts on my back, bruises, and everything else I'll need to go to the hospital for.

It'll be worth it. I might be older. I might not be as in great shape anymore. I might not even be as quick as I once was. None of it matters Lex. Not your ideas of who I am now. No. You have no idea who I am. After all of this time you still have little idea about who Brad Kane is. Despite all of this maybe you'll finally be the one to put me down.

Regardless...

On Sunday night you will feel the pain of a man who was never a boy. You will finish this long path we've constructed together. Maybe you'll reap what you sow. Maybe I will for all of the bad things I've done in my life. I'm done talking about this. I'm tired of it. Sunday night, Picture Perfect, Master of Horrors, see you then."

I reach into my pocket and pull out the keys before getting in the car. I start the rental before backing out of my parking spot and going back to the hotel to see if I can get some joy in before I go to war on Sunday night.

~Abandon all hope washing away me in the tides
Unclenching the fists made round my neck accepting the end~