Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Aug 18, 2012 12:37:53 GMT -6
*We open in on Curtis D. Kanyon sitting in a jail cell. He has a tin cup that he slides back and forth along the bars. A guard walks up and yanks it away from him.*
Guard: Gimmie that! Where did you even get this thing!
Curtis: I found it.
Guard: Listen, this ain't usual, but there's a camera crew here to see you. And after a thorough cavity search, we've decided they are not dangerous. Why they want to interview a wanna-be assassin, I don't know.
Curtis: I'm not an assassin! I was just going to talk to my buddy!
Guard: Sure pal. Just don't make too much noise.
*The guard goes and sits behind his desk. The camera focuses on Curtis as he sits down on the cot.*
Curtis: Well, all the crazy stuff I've done, I don't know how I've never been in here before. But I find the light, I try to see my friend, and suddenly I find myself behind bars. Sucky situation. But I know I'll be out in time for Sunday. I know my Lord is looking out for me, and I know Kelly can use her clout to get me out of here if need be. So be sure to let Roberto know, I will be there. I will not be stopped from doing that which I have been tasked to do. I have been given orders, I will follow through on them, no matter what.
*Curtis tugs on the bars.*
Curtis: These bars won't hold me back. I'm here in the nitty gritty, and it just makes me feel more...I don't know, angsty. Being caged up, it makes me feel more full of...punchy goodness. Having the possibility of not being able to smack a dude around, that makes me want to beat on people more! But I'm no longer fighting for me. So maybe this is a test, a situation created by my Lord to test me. Or to help fill me with more motivation. To get me more prepared for this fight with Verona. And I say, either way, super smart. But I will not wary, I will not be tempted to punch for punching sake! I have my focus on Verona, I have my Lord's message to deliver. I will use my physical power to punch, kick, smash, and bash for the glory of He who reigns above!
Guard: Hey! I said keep it down!
Curtis: Sorry. I am trapped here for now, but I will make it out in time for this fight. This is too high profile, my boss and friend wants me to put Verona in his place. My Lord wants a glorious battle that will be retold for ages. Verona should feel lucky to be part of history. To be a piece of the legend that we will create from the war we will rage. Verona is a fantastic warrior in his own right, but he's a fool if he thinks he could be dirtier than me. Only one man can truly sink to my level, and he's not in the game anymore. In fact, he got kinda chubby, so I don't think he can anymore. So Verona can bring his A-game, I encourage it, but it will have to be a lot of pain and punishment to bring me down. But I, I will--
*Just then a stick of dynamite comes in through the window.*
Curtis: What the--? Help! HELP!
Ten minutes earlier...
*Cut to outside, where we see the slightly chubbier Ron Gibson, Reverend Russell Jenkins, Amber Ashe, GQ, and Obsidian stare at the jail.*
Ron: All right gang, this is the plan. GQ, Obsidian, your with me. We're charging the wall. See that window, that's the one Curtis is in. Russell, Amber, you'll go in the front. Amber will distract the desk cops and Russell is going to sneak in and take out the guard. Meanwhile, the three of us will take down that wall, creating an opening for Curtis to get the hell out.
GQ: So we're pulling a prison break against the secret service's captive in the middle of Washington D.C.?
Ron: Yeah.
Obsidian: This is awesome! I feel like an Expendable!
Ron: That you are.
GQ: This is insane! We'll be arrested! We'll be in there with him.
Ron: If we do it wrong, sure. We've got about five minutes, get in, and get out. Ready, set, go!
*Ron, GQ, and Obsidian go to the fence and start cutting the fence open. Russell and Amber head to the front door.*
Obsidian: This is fun.
GQ: I can't believe I'm doing this.
*Ron grabs a bag of tools and they head into the fence and make their way across the field.*
*Amber and Russell enter the lobby of the secret service holding facility.*
Secretary: Can I help you.
Amber: Yes. You have a singing telegram.
Russell: Sing it sister!
*Russell pulls a stereo from under his reverend robe and starts playing dance music. Amber rips off her dress, revealing a bikini. She starts dancing around. The secretary is mesmerized. So is Russell. But then he snaps out of it and heads to the back. He creeps up and waits for the explosion.*
*Now that we're caught up, we see Curtis running from the TNT, he gets in the corner as far away as he can. Then it blows and the wall crumbles from the blast. Curtis huddled in the corner. The guard runs up to the bars.*
Guard: What the hell!?
Russell: RAAAAAAGH!
*Russell charges at the guard and the guard quickly pulls out his gun and shoots Russell in the leg. He falls into the guard and then hits the ground.*
Russell: AAAAH! You shot me! What the hell!?
Guard: You were running at me after an explosion! Who are you!?
Curtis: Russell? What are you doing here?
*Ron comes in through the hole in the wall.*
Ron: He was supposed to take out the guard, come on Curt, let's get the hell out of here!
Russell: Getting shot wasn't part of the plan!
Curtis: I can't leave this way, it'll look bad. Things will work out if I stay.
Ron: Great, you've got stockholm syndrome! You don't know what you're saying, I'm pulling you out.
*Ron grabs him by the arm, but his "not as muscular as they used to be" arms can't move Curtis.*
Ron: Guys! I need help here!
Guard: Stop! I will shoot you!
*Obsidian and GQ run into the room through the hole and all three grab Curtis and drag him out the room. The guard raises his gun, but Russell bites him in the leg. We cut to outside where Ron, GQ, and Obsidian get Curtis out onto the field.*
Curtis: Guys! I don't want to leave! Justice will find it's right way and I'll be released!
Ron: You're talking crazy talk, we're gonna...gonna...
GQ: Crap.
*A search light from a helicopter shines down on the four men as the field is now full of military men. They all raise there arms in the air.*
Curtis: I WAS NOT A PART OF THIS!
*The helicopter touches down and a bunch of secret service emerges. Behind them, comes President Barack Obama! He makes his way through the crowd and walks right up to Curtis.*
Obama: Still getting into trouble I see.
*Curtis and Obama shake hands, then do a crazy handshake that ends with a fist bump and some snaps.*
Ron: What the hell!?
Curtis: I was telling everyone, this is my homie.
Obama: Oh the trouble we got into back when you were the Puerto Rican governor and I was just a senator. Here, you left this on my lawn.
*Barack hands Curtis his sledgehammer.*
Curtis: Thanks buddy. See I told you guys it would work out. He came down here just to pardon me.
Obama: Uh...actually, we heard there was a lady stripping in the lobby. We were coming to check it out. You being here was just a happy accident.
Curtis: That's my Barack!
Ron: I don't...I don't even know you anymore!
GQ: This is kind of cool. Hi Mr. President.
Obama: Sorry, I don't swing that way.
GQ: I AM NOT GAY!
*Kanyon and Obama laugh and fist bump.*
Curtis: So, am I pardoned?
Obama: Of course! You're a national treasure!
Curtis: That's what I said!
Obama: You're free to kick ass this weekend, like you do. Now let's go check out that stripper!
*Everyone starts moving toward the lobby. Curtis puts his arm around Ron and is introducing him to Barack. Obsidian consoles GQ. Back at the blown up wall, some medics are carrying out Russell. The scene fades.*
Guard: Gimmie that! Where did you even get this thing!
Curtis: I found it.
Guard: Listen, this ain't usual, but there's a camera crew here to see you. And after a thorough cavity search, we've decided they are not dangerous. Why they want to interview a wanna-be assassin, I don't know.
Curtis: I'm not an assassin! I was just going to talk to my buddy!
Guard: Sure pal. Just don't make too much noise.
*The guard goes and sits behind his desk. The camera focuses on Curtis as he sits down on the cot.*
Curtis: Well, all the crazy stuff I've done, I don't know how I've never been in here before. But I find the light, I try to see my friend, and suddenly I find myself behind bars. Sucky situation. But I know I'll be out in time for Sunday. I know my Lord is looking out for me, and I know Kelly can use her clout to get me out of here if need be. So be sure to let Roberto know, I will be there. I will not be stopped from doing that which I have been tasked to do. I have been given orders, I will follow through on them, no matter what.
*Curtis tugs on the bars.*
Curtis: These bars won't hold me back. I'm here in the nitty gritty, and it just makes me feel more...I don't know, angsty. Being caged up, it makes me feel more full of...punchy goodness. Having the possibility of not being able to smack a dude around, that makes me want to beat on people more! But I'm no longer fighting for me. So maybe this is a test, a situation created by my Lord to test me. Or to help fill me with more motivation. To get me more prepared for this fight with Verona. And I say, either way, super smart. But I will not wary, I will not be tempted to punch for punching sake! I have my focus on Verona, I have my Lord's message to deliver. I will use my physical power to punch, kick, smash, and bash for the glory of He who reigns above!
Guard: Hey! I said keep it down!
Curtis: Sorry. I am trapped here for now, but I will make it out in time for this fight. This is too high profile, my boss and friend wants me to put Verona in his place. My Lord wants a glorious battle that will be retold for ages. Verona should feel lucky to be part of history. To be a piece of the legend that we will create from the war we will rage. Verona is a fantastic warrior in his own right, but he's a fool if he thinks he could be dirtier than me. Only one man can truly sink to my level, and he's not in the game anymore. In fact, he got kinda chubby, so I don't think he can anymore. So Verona can bring his A-game, I encourage it, but it will have to be a lot of pain and punishment to bring me down. But I, I will--
*Just then a stick of dynamite comes in through the window.*
Curtis: What the--? Help! HELP!
Ten minutes earlier...
*Cut to outside, where we see the slightly chubbier Ron Gibson, Reverend Russell Jenkins, Amber Ashe, GQ, and Obsidian stare at the jail.*
Ron: All right gang, this is the plan. GQ, Obsidian, your with me. We're charging the wall. See that window, that's the one Curtis is in. Russell, Amber, you'll go in the front. Amber will distract the desk cops and Russell is going to sneak in and take out the guard. Meanwhile, the three of us will take down that wall, creating an opening for Curtis to get the hell out.
GQ: So we're pulling a prison break against the secret service's captive in the middle of Washington D.C.?
Ron: Yeah.
Obsidian: This is awesome! I feel like an Expendable!
Ron: That you are.
GQ: This is insane! We'll be arrested! We'll be in there with him.
Ron: If we do it wrong, sure. We've got about five minutes, get in, and get out. Ready, set, go!
*Ron, GQ, and Obsidian go to the fence and start cutting the fence open. Russell and Amber head to the front door.*
Obsidian: This is fun.
GQ: I can't believe I'm doing this.
*Ron grabs a bag of tools and they head into the fence and make their way across the field.*
*Amber and Russell enter the lobby of the secret service holding facility.*
Secretary: Can I help you.
Amber: Yes. You have a singing telegram.
Russell: Sing it sister!
*Russell pulls a stereo from under his reverend robe and starts playing dance music. Amber rips off her dress, revealing a bikini. She starts dancing around. The secretary is mesmerized. So is Russell. But then he snaps out of it and heads to the back. He creeps up and waits for the explosion.*
*Now that we're caught up, we see Curtis running from the TNT, he gets in the corner as far away as he can. Then it blows and the wall crumbles from the blast. Curtis huddled in the corner. The guard runs up to the bars.*
Guard: What the hell!?
Russell: RAAAAAAGH!
*Russell charges at the guard and the guard quickly pulls out his gun and shoots Russell in the leg. He falls into the guard and then hits the ground.*
Russell: AAAAH! You shot me! What the hell!?
Guard: You were running at me after an explosion! Who are you!?
Curtis: Russell? What are you doing here?
*Ron comes in through the hole in the wall.*
Ron: He was supposed to take out the guard, come on Curt, let's get the hell out of here!
Russell: Getting shot wasn't part of the plan!
Curtis: I can't leave this way, it'll look bad. Things will work out if I stay.
Ron: Great, you've got stockholm syndrome! You don't know what you're saying, I'm pulling you out.
*Ron grabs him by the arm, but his "not as muscular as they used to be" arms can't move Curtis.*
Ron: Guys! I need help here!
Guard: Stop! I will shoot you!
*Obsidian and GQ run into the room through the hole and all three grab Curtis and drag him out the room. The guard raises his gun, but Russell bites him in the leg. We cut to outside where Ron, GQ, and Obsidian get Curtis out onto the field.*
Curtis: Guys! I don't want to leave! Justice will find it's right way and I'll be released!
Ron: You're talking crazy talk, we're gonna...gonna...
GQ: Crap.
*A search light from a helicopter shines down on the four men as the field is now full of military men. They all raise there arms in the air.*
Curtis: I WAS NOT A PART OF THIS!
*The helicopter touches down and a bunch of secret service emerges. Behind them, comes President Barack Obama! He makes his way through the crowd and walks right up to Curtis.*
Obama: Still getting into trouble I see.
*Curtis and Obama shake hands, then do a crazy handshake that ends with a fist bump and some snaps.*
Ron: What the hell!?
Curtis: I was telling everyone, this is my homie.
Obama: Oh the trouble we got into back when you were the Puerto Rican governor and I was just a senator. Here, you left this on my lawn.
*Barack hands Curtis his sledgehammer.*
Curtis: Thanks buddy. See I told you guys it would work out. He came down here just to pardon me.
Obama: Uh...actually, we heard there was a lady stripping in the lobby. We were coming to check it out. You being here was just a happy accident.
Curtis: That's my Barack!
Ron: I don't...I don't even know you anymore!
GQ: This is kind of cool. Hi Mr. President.
Obama: Sorry, I don't swing that way.
GQ: I AM NOT GAY!
*Kanyon and Obama laugh and fist bump.*
Curtis: So, am I pardoned?
Obama: Of course! You're a national treasure!
Curtis: That's what I said!
Obama: You're free to kick ass this weekend, like you do. Now let's go check out that stripper!
*Everyone starts moving toward the lobby. Curtis puts his arm around Ron and is introducing him to Barack. Obsidian consoles GQ. Back at the blown up wall, some medics are carrying out Russell. The scene fades.*
