Post by Xavier Cross on Oct 27, 2012 6:04:06 GMT -6
This self-impression of cool isn’t something you earn, it’s something you’re born with. Or is it a pack mentality, the strong stick together to stay stronger. Whatever it may be, we know one thing.
Why are Ace-Hole’s so boring?
You see, I got this bright idea, after forcing myself to listen to Jake Conway, or the ultra-fabulous ‘Ace’ as he’s been called occasionally. So my idea fellas was once my production buddy at nCw sent me a copy of The Ace’s promo, I decided being who I am, to pull a few strings. Being National Champion, Xavier Cross has it’s benefits.
So what I did was, I took it to a local movie theatre, and well…take a look for yourselves.
Why are Ace-Hole’s so boring?
You see, I got this bright idea, after forcing myself to listen to Jake Conway, or the ultra-fabulous ‘Ace’ as he’s been called occasionally. So my idea fellas was once my production buddy at nCw sent me a copy of The Ace’s promo, I decided being who I am, to pull a few strings. Being National Champion, Xavier Cross has it’s benefits.
So what I did was, I took it to a local movie theatre, and well…take a look for yourselves.
-The scene cuts away, to a crowded movie theatre. We see Xavier standing at the doors, with the manager of the establishment. Cross has his arms folded, as the large movie screen plays through the typical movie theatre promotions for drinks, popcorn, and candy. The screen goes black, as the Ace’s promo begins playing. Within 30 seconds half the crowd is asleep, the other is getting up to leave. The scene cuts back to Xavier laughing-
See what I mean. How does this guy still have a job. He managed to put at least a hundred people to sleep, and piss off another hundred just by talking. Also, was it me, or does that baby look a lot like Steve Awesome? I’m not preaching. I’m just saying.
But enough at these cheap ‘pot shots’ let’s go back to what the people think. Those who sat through the show, and by sat I mean slept, I decided to poll those who may have paid attention… let’s take another look.
But enough at these cheap ‘pot shots’ let’s go back to what the people think. Those who sat through the show, and by sat I mean slept, I decided to poll those who may have paid attention… let’s take another look.
-The scene cuts back to the movie theatre, where Xavier is standing in front of a long line of people. Holding a microphone, and a simple expression, he holds it to the young ladies face-
“Miss, tell me, what did you think of this short production.”
“I’d rather watch Roseanne get an abortion.”
“Eh…tough critic. How about you sir…sir…Sir!”
“I’m sorry, he’s deaf sir. I’m his son. I can translate the sign for you…”
“Ask him what he thought about the movie…being hearing impaired he may have a different point of view.”
The younger man makes a couple of quick gestures, to his deaf father, who looks up at Xavier Cross, before giving him a middle finger.
“Ouch. Also, who takes their deaf father to the movies. Dick move. How about you, Ma’am?”
A larger black lady, walks up to Xavier Cross, tears rolling down her eyes.
“I’ve never seen something…so bad…ever. And my mother lived through the civil rights movement. You’re a terrible person for ever showing that to anyone. Ever, also…HI LATRONDA, BETTY, and MONEQ! You know I love you BOO BOO!”
“Er…this isn’t MTV…but you get the point people. No one likes the Ace, heck, I think that small child had a look of disgust when it noticed who his father was. That’s real **** right there. Anyway, this is Xavier Cross with the crap of the week…Who wants to go watch Double Dragon?”
“BIMMY IS THE BEST!”
-The scene fades back in to Xavier sitting down, shaking his head, a smile on his face-
If only it was that easy. If the Ace was really a man first, and a wrestler second. Maybe he could float off into obscurity, and stop annoying people. Like I said before, the guy walks around with a thesaurus and pretends to be a ‘refined British gentlemen’ you know what I have to say to that.
-Xavier begins pouring a box of Earl Grey tea on the ground, and then stomps on it-
**** a redcoat. This is a simple struggle Ace, I am the National Champion, I represent the greatest Nation on the globe. ‘Merica. You represent repressed homosexuality, Harry Potter, and bad dental hygiene. I am a global superpower, and you sir, are yesterday’s news. So let me remind you one last time Ace, because come Road to the Gold, I will hurt you, I will hit you harder than you’ve ever been hit. I will punish you for your idiotic statements, and inaccurate judgments.
I will always be a father first. Always. Unluckily for your child, apparently you are as well. Also, may I add, who the hell in their right mind gives their daughter the middle name, ‘Opportunity’, I’m sure a lot of young men are gonna have many opportunities with her, but regardless. Ace, you’re just a ****ty person; the only thing I’m going to enjoy is looking down at you, and reminding myself one thing that I know about you.
You’re a loser. That’s all you’ll ever be.
So **** a Redcoat. Keep on rollin’ baby… I’m out.
-Xavier begins pouring a box of Earl Grey tea on the ground, and then stomps on it-
**** a redcoat. This is a simple struggle Ace, I am the National Champion, I represent the greatest Nation on the globe. ‘Merica. You represent repressed homosexuality, Harry Potter, and bad dental hygiene. I am a global superpower, and you sir, are yesterday’s news. So let me remind you one last time Ace, because come Road to the Gold, I will hurt you, I will hit you harder than you’ve ever been hit. I will punish you for your idiotic statements, and inaccurate judgments.
I will always be a father first. Always. Unluckily for your child, apparently you are as well. Also, may I add, who the hell in their right mind gives their daughter the middle name, ‘Opportunity’, I’m sure a lot of young men are gonna have many opportunities with her, but regardless. Ace, you’re just a ****ty person; the only thing I’m going to enjoy is looking down at you, and reminding myself one thing that I know about you.
You’re a loser. That’s all you’ll ever be.
So **** a Redcoat. Keep on rollin’ baby… I’m out.
******
The scene opens with Landon standing in the kitchen, shirtless, with drawn on chest hair, a few well-placed scars, and a bald cap on. He is wearing mma-style grappling gloves, and a pair of children’s sized wrestling trunks.
“What do you think?”
“It’s like looking at a 50 year old me, as a 9 year old….but something’s missing…”
We see Gib and Cross standing side by side, looking at Landon, who is flexing, trying to put on his best Gib impression.
“I’m not letting him carry around alcohol…”
“He needs a sidekick…”
“I’m not kidnapping a mentally handicapped kid, and giving him a mullet to rock a Simon Daye costume Gib…”
“Eh. It was worth a shot. You should still give him an empty bottle of Jack, I mean, it really pulls the costume off…”
“This probably explains why you’re not allowed within 30 yards of a school zone.”
“Nah. I beat up a group of 12 year olds back in the day…I remember like it was yesterday…”
-October 15th, 1982-
We see a younger Gib, walking down the street in the typical fashionable clothes of the late 70’s, bellbottom plaid pants a little higher than normal, long sleeve collared shirts, buttoned down a little too low, and a stylish blonde afro, with a ridiculous mustache. He is slowly walking down the sidewalk, when he is confronted by six 12 year olds.
“Give us your wallet old man!”
“You look like Jackie Brown!”
We see Gib’s eye twitch, before he snaps, grabbing one of the kids by the throat.
“How dare you insult Jackie Brown!”
-The scene quickly cuts off, as we return to Xavier and Gib standing in the kitchen-
“…That was the most terrifying story I’ve ever heard…I don’t know if I want you in my house.”
We now see Gib is holding a ridiculous sized Scooby doo-esc sandwich. He tries to talk with his mouth full.
“Meh-wot Guff, ‘nuff-er baho.”
“….Really?”
Gib shrugs his shoulders before going into the living room to watch TV. Xavier stands there for a moment, before looking down at his son.
“You really had to choose that costume didn’t you?”
“What Dad! He’s a cool old man!”
“THE COOLEST!”
“Shut up and die already old man.”
“I got mustard on your couch….”
Xavier slaps his forehead, as Landon has made himself a miniature version of the giant sandwich, he goes to sit next to Gib in the living room, while Xavier looking more and more annoyed, decides to step out on the front porch. What he didn’t expect was his redheaded girlfriend to be standing in front of him.
“NATALIE?!”
“GET SOME!”
“SHUT UP OLD MAN!”
“YEAH DAD! GET SOME!”
“LANDON GO TO YOUR ROOM!”
Xavier blushes a bit, as Natalie runs up kissing him.
“What are you doing home so early?!”
“I caught a red eye, tour got canceled, apparently the swine-flu is still big over in Europe.”
“Because they’re gross over there…”
Xavier pulls Natalie in, embracing her, holding her tightly. We hear whistles, and cat-calls from the window, as the two turn to see Gib, and Landon peering through.
“I swear to god I’m going to kill one of them…”
“Oh you love it. It’s what family is for…”
-The scene fades, as we see Xavier standing in a room, all alone-
It is what family is for. I’m a family man, I’m just lucky enough that my family includes the men and women I go to war with each week. nCw is my family Ace, and the best thing I can do for them now, is beating you.
See you soon.
