Post by Gib on Nov 30, 2012 10:26:00 GMT -6
{Gib stands from his bed pushing past an exhausted looking Simon Daye the camera pans down and you are happy to see that indeed, he has a covering over his nether regions, albeit something that looks as if it is made of the same material as a swimmer’s cap, and likely with the same amount of material}
Gib: Nothing like a good nights sleep to awaken the spirits. You want some coffee or something?
{Simon, who has past out now instantly and is snoring sits sleeping. Gib walks out to the kitchen. Zelda sits on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest and her shirt pulled over them. She looks at her father}
Gib: Hey snookums…
{She doesn’t answer, and instead just shifts her wait, turning her outside shoulder to glare at Gib. He shrugs his shoulders, not understanding her anger and instead heads to the panty, reaching up to the top of the shelf where he reaches way back, so far that his shoulder is barely visible and from the back he pulls an interesting box of cereal. He walks over to Zelda and looks down at her, she refuses to look back}
Gib: Look, it isn’t hard to see that you are mad, and well, it is what it is. I am not the smartest person and I will be honest, the female mind has always escaped me, mostly because it is pulsating with estrogen, and the only thing pulsating on me is my…
{He cracks a smile and holds back a laugh before continuing}
Gib: Heart. I know that you question my behaviors but I have watched my kids be hurt too many times and I am not going to allow it again. Understand, I am doing what I am doing in order to make a certain person prove a certain something. If he walks through fire for you, then guess what, he will stay with you.
{He scratches his head, remembering something}
Gib: I know I was talking about the woman’s mind and I got off track with all that emotional **** but man, I don’t understand the mind of women, it is all like “Oooh I want flowers and shoes, I want candy and hair appointments,” and this is like total ****ing bull**** because my mind is like “BOOBIES!!! SHOULD I LIFT WEIGHTS OR LIFT WEIGHTS!!! RIDDLEY RIDDLEY RAAAARRR!!! ****!!! SUPLEX A SHARK WITH A BOLO TIE! EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOSION!
{Zelda turns at this and looks questioningly, noticing the box in his hands now}
Gib: I see you are moderately confused, the riddley riddley part was supposed to be a guitar solo, but I couldn’t exactly turn what I was hearing inside of my brain into linguistic expression.
{Uhhhh….}
Gib: But anyway, I love you, and I love Simon and I bought this for you off the porn box….
{He holds out a box of cereal it is the old Nintendo Cereal System featuring poor tasting cereal in the shape of both Zelda and Mario, Zelda grabs it from his hand and we finally see a smile cross her lips}
Zelda: I am going to eat this right now…
Gib: Honey, that is like, collectible. I am fairly certain is contains lead and stuff… So… I CALL FIRST ****ING BOWL!!! PIDDLY PIDDLY POOOOOOOW!
{The two walk to the kitchen as the scene fades}
So, Divine Royalty, what else is there to say to the two of you. Simon and I said it all last month and we beat you, you said it all and got beat and now here we are on the second round of sensual touching fighting each other for what…
Oh yeah, the tag titles. That is what we are doing. It has been so long that I have worn nothing but this tag title that I forgot what it was like to be concerned about losing them. Simon and I represent the very best tag team that has ever existed. We have fought the greatest teams of the world, we have defeated any and all comers and that is a theme that will continue to develop when I come to the ring next week to plant my uncontrollably huge foot up your ever so shapely and firm buttocks. And when I say you I mean it in a plural manner since I haven’t really stated which one of you products of semen donation I am speaking to.
So now, Smooth Kenny D I guess I should talk about you, the ****ing psychotic member of the team. I don’t understand what your thing is, like some people have gimmicks where they are really into fire, or like dudes that like penis, or people like me who are into nakedness and kicking people’s teeth right down their throat as far as they can.
You think you are a gift of God? Really? Like you are some diving alteration of what exists in the world? God that is ****ing stupid, I mean, I thought your teams name was stupid but when it comes down to it, your whole way of life is stupid. It seems to me that the priests were probably a little rough on you when you were a kid, perhaps all that head rubbing is what caused your premature baldness, I don’t know.
All I know is the following, you don’t have it, you aren’t at the level that my team and I are at, you don’t have the chops to be in the position that you are in. You lost the X title, you lost in the Road to the Gold and you lost at the pay per view last month. Your streak doesn’t end this week, it doesn’t go away. You are stepping into the ring with a very well oiled machine, and of course when I say well oiled I mean baby oil because I make Simon rub that **** all over my body before a match.
Your time is short Ken, your partner can’t carry you forever and I am going to prove how useless you really are. And I am going to prove it in the middle of illegal offworld death tournaments.
And I know you are wondering if the tournament is illegal or the fact that it is offworld is illegal.
My answer is TESTOSTERONE!!!
{Scene opens, we see Gib’s back as he approaches the office of a psychiatrist, he steps to the large oak door and smashes his foot into is, sending it splintering inward, you notice also, that he is wearing a jean vest and chaps. Also there are boots, but really that is it. Simon sits on the couch as the counselor looks up surprised.}
Gib: Hey jackoffpuppet, why are your pants on, I told you that I took care of the last one and this one is yours. Are you having some sensitive discourse with this money stealing faggot muncher? Ok, Simon your time is up and it is now time for me to get in touch with my feelings.
{Simon looks at the counselor who has a surprised look on his face}
Simon: Best of luck…
Counselor: Will you stay?
Simon: No, this is your bridge to cross, some journeys must traveled alone I think I read that somewhere.
{Gib is filled with rage, and when I say rage I mean RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE}
Gib: Hey you too butt humpers done talking about who is going to save who. I am a busy man, I have a long night of drinking and punching a goat directly in the face tonight so if you are done cradling each others balls I would like to discuss my feelings.
{Simon gets up and walks over to Gib he leans close to his ear and whispers}
Simon: This guy is good, give him a chance….
{Gib says in a voice that is loud that is in no way a whisper}
Gib: If you ever say anything like that again I am going to question your masculinity in various ways, ways that I don’t think you are ready for yet.
{Simon pats Gib on the back and walks away. Gib stands, and then starts to bounce from one foot to another. He fist starts moving up and down and the counselor looks super uncomfortable}
Counselor: Please… take a seat…
Gib: No thanks, I prefer to stand while talking… BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN A SUICIDE COMMUNIST BOMBER IS GOING TO TRY AND **** YOUR **** UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
{He bounces from one foot to another and the counselor is trying to ignore this to get on with his job}
Counselor: It has been stated that you are insensitive towards your coworkers. What do you have to say about that?
{Gib stops bouncing and then looks concerned at the face of the counselor}
Gib: Oh no, I hurt someone’s feelings? Who? How can I make them feel better?
Counselor: Well, this is excellent, I think this is a great starting point…
Gib: Because I want to make SURE I DO THE OPPOSITE. I AM GOING TO FIND THESE PEOPLE AND RAMJAM THERE FACES!
Counselor: What can that even mean?
{This was a bad question to ask. Gib jumps onto the chair and stands on the arms, directly over the counselor. He starts to do some deep Romanian standing squats, his penis and more accurately his balls come close to the face of the counselor who is shrinking in his seat. Gib starts chantins}
Gib: Ohhhh BLACK BETTY RAM-A-LAM, OOOOH BLACK BETTY!!!
{He hops of the couch and bends over, his hairy ass is hideous. He turns and puts his finger in his mouth and the counselor gets up, sprinting towards the destroyed door and leaving the office. Gib walks out and Simon looks at him}
Simon: That didn’t take long.
Gib: ****in’ A, how is it that you allow these braintards to penetrate the inner reaches of your brain matter. If you weren’t my tag partner I swear you wouldn’t be my tag partner.
Simon: that logic will stand despite any theoretically proof.
Gib: The ****ing END!!
{Scene fades with Gib pumping his fist and running towards the camera}
So Alex Jones. I know that you are going to be like BLAH… BLAH… BLAH… and I would respond by saying “YADDA, YADDA, YADDA.” But I get the point; I know when a friendship is being throw away. I spent some time at your house, I looked in the window at your wife while she was showering and I apologize for lying about the mayonnaise on the back of the house, I wasn’t eating a ham sammich, and that wasn’t mayonnaise.
I was having a good time there, sitting on the back porch occasionally someone would put some food under the door or I would slaughter a wild animal with a grenade and scavenge the bits of meat for nourishment but then all of a sudden you didn’t leave the food on the porch. I thought maybe he doesn’t like me, but then I figured hell he probably thinks that I like hunting for my own food.
Then there were no more grenades and I was stranded on your back porch with nowhere to go, no food to sustain me and no beers. I can deal with the lack of food and even grenades, but when someone stops providing me with beer whilst I am squatting on their back porch.
I can take the damn hint Alex. You didn’t want me around, after I was there to pick you up after you fell down. After I was there to wipe your tears from your eyes and tell you everything is going to be all right.
Unfortunately now, not everything will be right. Unfortunately now I am going to be forced to beat the poop out of you and then smear the aforementioned poop in your eyes, giving you a bad case of e coli.
I don’t have anything else to say Jones, you could have been the third leg of team America, but is turns out that you are nothing more the America’s butthole.
And yes, the third leg is the penis.
Gib: Nothing like a good nights sleep to awaken the spirits. You want some coffee or something?
{Simon, who has past out now instantly and is snoring sits sleeping. Gib walks out to the kitchen. Zelda sits on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest and her shirt pulled over them. She looks at her father}
Gib: Hey snookums…
{She doesn’t answer, and instead just shifts her wait, turning her outside shoulder to glare at Gib. He shrugs his shoulders, not understanding her anger and instead heads to the panty, reaching up to the top of the shelf where he reaches way back, so far that his shoulder is barely visible and from the back he pulls an interesting box of cereal. He walks over to Zelda and looks down at her, she refuses to look back}
Gib: Look, it isn’t hard to see that you are mad, and well, it is what it is. I am not the smartest person and I will be honest, the female mind has always escaped me, mostly because it is pulsating with estrogen, and the only thing pulsating on me is my…
{He cracks a smile and holds back a laugh before continuing}
Gib: Heart. I know that you question my behaviors but I have watched my kids be hurt too many times and I am not going to allow it again. Understand, I am doing what I am doing in order to make a certain person prove a certain something. If he walks through fire for you, then guess what, he will stay with you.
{He scratches his head, remembering something}
Gib: I know I was talking about the woman’s mind and I got off track with all that emotional **** but man, I don’t understand the mind of women, it is all like “Oooh I want flowers and shoes, I want candy and hair appointments,” and this is like total ****ing bull**** because my mind is like “BOOBIES!!! SHOULD I LIFT WEIGHTS OR LIFT WEIGHTS!!! RIDDLEY RIDDLEY RAAAARRR!!! ****!!! SUPLEX A SHARK WITH A BOLO TIE! EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOSION!
{Zelda turns at this and looks questioningly, noticing the box in his hands now}
Gib: I see you are moderately confused, the riddley riddley part was supposed to be a guitar solo, but I couldn’t exactly turn what I was hearing inside of my brain into linguistic expression.
{Uhhhh….}
Gib: But anyway, I love you, and I love Simon and I bought this for you off the porn box….
{He holds out a box of cereal it is the old Nintendo Cereal System featuring poor tasting cereal in the shape of both Zelda and Mario, Zelda grabs it from his hand and we finally see a smile cross her lips}
Zelda: I am going to eat this right now…
Gib: Honey, that is like, collectible. I am fairly certain is contains lead and stuff… So… I CALL FIRST ****ING BOWL!!! PIDDLY PIDDLY POOOOOOOW!
{The two walk to the kitchen as the scene fades}
So, Divine Royalty, what else is there to say to the two of you. Simon and I said it all last month and we beat you, you said it all and got beat and now here we are on the second round of sensual touching fighting each other for what…
Oh yeah, the tag titles. That is what we are doing. It has been so long that I have worn nothing but this tag title that I forgot what it was like to be concerned about losing them. Simon and I represent the very best tag team that has ever existed. We have fought the greatest teams of the world, we have defeated any and all comers and that is a theme that will continue to develop when I come to the ring next week to plant my uncontrollably huge foot up your ever so shapely and firm buttocks. And when I say you I mean it in a plural manner since I haven’t really stated which one of you products of semen donation I am speaking to.
So now, Smooth Kenny D I guess I should talk about you, the ****ing psychotic member of the team. I don’t understand what your thing is, like some people have gimmicks where they are really into fire, or like dudes that like penis, or people like me who are into nakedness and kicking people’s teeth right down their throat as far as they can.
You think you are a gift of God? Really? Like you are some diving alteration of what exists in the world? God that is ****ing stupid, I mean, I thought your teams name was stupid but when it comes down to it, your whole way of life is stupid. It seems to me that the priests were probably a little rough on you when you were a kid, perhaps all that head rubbing is what caused your premature baldness, I don’t know.
All I know is the following, you don’t have it, you aren’t at the level that my team and I are at, you don’t have the chops to be in the position that you are in. You lost the X title, you lost in the Road to the Gold and you lost at the pay per view last month. Your streak doesn’t end this week, it doesn’t go away. You are stepping into the ring with a very well oiled machine, and of course when I say well oiled I mean baby oil because I make Simon rub that **** all over my body before a match.
Your time is short Ken, your partner can’t carry you forever and I am going to prove how useless you really are. And I am going to prove it in the middle of illegal offworld death tournaments.
And I know you are wondering if the tournament is illegal or the fact that it is offworld is illegal.
My answer is TESTOSTERONE!!!
{Scene opens, we see Gib’s back as he approaches the office of a psychiatrist, he steps to the large oak door and smashes his foot into is, sending it splintering inward, you notice also, that he is wearing a jean vest and chaps. Also there are boots, but really that is it. Simon sits on the couch as the counselor looks up surprised.}
Gib: Hey jackoffpuppet, why are your pants on, I told you that I took care of the last one and this one is yours. Are you having some sensitive discourse with this money stealing faggot muncher? Ok, Simon your time is up and it is now time for me to get in touch with my feelings.
{Simon looks at the counselor who has a surprised look on his face}
Simon: Best of luck…
Counselor: Will you stay?
Simon: No, this is your bridge to cross, some journeys must traveled alone I think I read that somewhere.
{Gib is filled with rage, and when I say rage I mean RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE}
Gib: Hey you too butt humpers done talking about who is going to save who. I am a busy man, I have a long night of drinking and punching a goat directly in the face tonight so if you are done cradling each others balls I would like to discuss my feelings.
{Simon gets up and walks over to Gib he leans close to his ear and whispers}
Simon: This guy is good, give him a chance….
{Gib says in a voice that is loud that is in no way a whisper}
Gib: If you ever say anything like that again I am going to question your masculinity in various ways, ways that I don’t think you are ready for yet.
{Simon pats Gib on the back and walks away. Gib stands, and then starts to bounce from one foot to another. He fist starts moving up and down and the counselor looks super uncomfortable}
Counselor: Please… take a seat…
Gib: No thanks, I prefer to stand while talking… BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN A SUICIDE COMMUNIST BOMBER IS GOING TO TRY AND **** YOUR **** UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
{He bounces from one foot to another and the counselor is trying to ignore this to get on with his job}
Counselor: It has been stated that you are insensitive towards your coworkers. What do you have to say about that?
{Gib stops bouncing and then looks concerned at the face of the counselor}
Gib: Oh no, I hurt someone’s feelings? Who? How can I make them feel better?
Counselor: Well, this is excellent, I think this is a great starting point…
Gib: Because I want to make SURE I DO THE OPPOSITE. I AM GOING TO FIND THESE PEOPLE AND RAMJAM THERE FACES!
Counselor: What can that even mean?
{This was a bad question to ask. Gib jumps onto the chair and stands on the arms, directly over the counselor. He starts to do some deep Romanian standing squats, his penis and more accurately his balls come close to the face of the counselor who is shrinking in his seat. Gib starts chantins}
Gib: Ohhhh BLACK BETTY RAM-A-LAM, OOOOH BLACK BETTY!!!
{He hops of the couch and bends over, his hairy ass is hideous. He turns and puts his finger in his mouth and the counselor gets up, sprinting towards the destroyed door and leaving the office. Gib walks out and Simon looks at him}
Simon: That didn’t take long.
Gib: ****in’ A, how is it that you allow these braintards to penetrate the inner reaches of your brain matter. If you weren’t my tag partner I swear you wouldn’t be my tag partner.
Simon: that logic will stand despite any theoretically proof.
Gib: The ****ing END!!
{Scene fades with Gib pumping his fist and running towards the camera}
So Alex Jones. I know that you are going to be like BLAH… BLAH… BLAH… and I would respond by saying “YADDA, YADDA, YADDA.” But I get the point; I know when a friendship is being throw away. I spent some time at your house, I looked in the window at your wife while she was showering and I apologize for lying about the mayonnaise on the back of the house, I wasn’t eating a ham sammich, and that wasn’t mayonnaise.
I was having a good time there, sitting on the back porch occasionally someone would put some food under the door or I would slaughter a wild animal with a grenade and scavenge the bits of meat for nourishment but then all of a sudden you didn’t leave the food on the porch. I thought maybe he doesn’t like me, but then I figured hell he probably thinks that I like hunting for my own food.
Then there were no more grenades and I was stranded on your back porch with nowhere to go, no food to sustain me and no beers. I can deal with the lack of food and even grenades, but when someone stops providing me with beer whilst I am squatting on their back porch.
I can take the damn hint Alex. You didn’t want me around, after I was there to pick you up after you fell down. After I was there to wipe your tears from your eyes and tell you everything is going to be all right.
Unfortunately now, not everything will be right. Unfortunately now I am going to be forced to beat the poop out of you and then smear the aforementioned poop in your eyes, giving you a bad case of e coli.
I don’t have anything else to say Jones, you could have been the third leg of team America, but is turns out that you are nothing more the America’s butthole.
And yes, the third leg is the penis.
