Post by Rose Acantha on Jan 31, 2013 8:07:43 GMT -6
I fought and I lost…
What a surprise? Despite my best efforts…the ultimate underdog did not come out on top.
Was I foolish to expect anything different?
I was going against the original champions and actually going in thinking I had some shred of a chance at victory. Was I that naïve? Was I that stupid?
My mind was playing tricks on me…part of me wanted to be strong…part of me wanted to be realistic…and part of me was pessimistic on everything…past present and future…
I had to ask the obvious questions…
Why…Why me?
Why was I being put through all of this?
Did I actually deserve this fate that was handed to me, by Miss Kathy?
Was she enjoying what was happening? Was her appetite for what she was doing being fulfilled?
I never wanted to paint myself as a victim…that is not the way Mr. Nate would have wanted me to be. But after this past month I couldn’t help but feel myself as such.
I was at the whim of a miss who wanted nothing but the worst for me…I had no real recourse in the matter…yes I know I could fight back…and I was fighting back…but I had to be honest it was doing no good. I called out Miss Kathy…but she was nowhere to be found…nor did she feel like I was a miss who deserved any of her precious time. I had taken on her tasks but she upped the ante each and every time…this was getting really serious…and again there was no way out that could be determined by me unless I wanted to go to jail.
As Mr. Nate and I sat at the dinner table we were both silent…and both of us were picking over our dinners, giving more to the dogs then we were ingesting ourselves. They were happy to be getting food from the dinner table instead of truly understanding what each of us felt inside.
“I’m sorry…” This is what Mr. Nate started with…I think his first real words to me expressing sympathy with my plight…words I had seen in his face but never heard coming from his own mouth.
I shook my head as I continued to pick over my food…
“Care to share?” He asked seeing that I was not adding anything verbally to the conversation.
I sighed as I put down my fork. “Why are you worried about me…I mean you are about to have what could be the most significant match of your life and you are worried about me…?”
“And I shouldn’t be? Dear God Rose…you have a woman for whatever reason has a death wish for you…for probably nothing better than her enjoyment….and now you find yourself in a match that could end your career…by and with a woman that would probably sleep like a baby right afterward…and you say I shouldn’t be worried?”
“I can handle myself.” I said looking down at the table. I knew what I was getting myself into and while I tried to keep a straight that last comment by Mr. Nate felt like he was pouring salt into a wound.
“I know you can.” Mr. Nate sighed. “But you are like a sister to me and I guess it is my job to worry…especially in times like these.”
For some reason hearing those words just lit a fire in me for some reason leading me to slam my fist on the table.
“DAMMIT, Mr. Nate…I am a not a child…I CAN take care of myself.!”
Silence. No one spoke…and even the dogs looked up alarmed. I think that was the loudest I ever spoke…and frankly I felt icky having to do it. I was embarrassed…and confused…and frankly was at a loss for what I wanted to do…”Excuse me.” I said excusing me from the table as I awkwardly went upstairs with Sterling cautiously following behind me.
Going into my room I collapsed onto my bed as Sterling jumped up and immediately pushed my arm out of the way in order to nuzzle with me. I hadn’t realized it but that black lab was growing by the day…what once was a smallish puppy was growing to the point that he stretched from my next to my knees as I scratched his stomach more out of comfort and obligation then desire.
I was at a point in my life with so many things falling on my shoulders…I really didn’t know how to carry it all…and with the type of match that I had…I knew that whether I liked it or not I would be undergoing a metamorphosis…I would be coming back a changed misses…and not just because I would battered and bloodied…
So what circle of hell do you think you are on?
“Does it matter?”
I guess it doesn’t…but do I sense a twinge of your acceptance to the fact that you are actually in hell.
“Maybe…but I can admit to it with what Miss Kathy is doing…but here at home with Mr. Nate…James and Sterling…this is as close to heaven as one can…something I haven’t really had…a loving family.”
Maybe you are right. You actually do have a family. But look into yourself…look at me…tell me that your family might get hurt with what may transpire with this match…can you guarantee you wouldn’t end up hurting them in the long run?
“…..”
I’ll take your silence as an answer.
“I wish it wasn’t like this.”
It’s one of those things in life…sometimes you can’t avoid them.
“So what do I do…just leave it all behind?”
No..but I think you know what needs to done…if what happens does happen.[/font]
A crying rose
I saw one day
As I looked around
One evening in May.
She looked so beautiful
And so very tragic,
Standing there,
Robbed of her magic.
She looked at me,
Met my eyes,
And said brokenly,
"Everybody cries."
But in those streaming eyes
I saw the truth
That she cries more than most
Despite her youth.
Broken breathing,
Pained expression,
Tears escaping
In quick succession.
She's been hurt too much,
Shattered too hard,
Pushed down too low;
Her soul was scarred.
A crying rose
Was all I could see
Until I realized
That rose was me.
So I lost…
But let’s be honest Misters and Misses…I had no real chance now did I.
I had all the heart and gusto but all that was about as effective as running into a wall multiple times.
Either way I fought to the bitter end…in the end I just couldn’t give the satisfaction to Mrs. Kathy…I knew I was going into the lion’s den…I just had to be strong as I was led to the slaughter.
Of course that was last week…and well this week exponentially upped that ante….
But before I get into that matter let me direct this next tirade toward the Miss who made this all possible.
So Mrs. Kathy…are you happy with what you are doing?
Am I entertaining you?
Am I making your miserable life easier to bear?
Is this whole thing making you happier inside?
I could ask why me…I could stand before you pulling my hair out…shedding tears by the gallon…with my make up running down my face…but I won’t. I refuse to bow down to you. I refuse to beg your forgiveness…and refuse to beg you to stop this sick charade…because that is not what I am about.
I don’t know the answer to “Why me?” But I do know the answer to “Why?”
I do know that this whole thing is supposed to be a measure of stress relief for you, with me being the whipping girl. You hate what Miss Emma and Miss Callie are doing to an already fragile marriage of yours with your hubby’s propensity for good looking women…I am just here to be the target of you venting your frustrations…because Lord help us all if a single hair is damaged on the head of either Miss Callie and Miss Emma…by your own hand anyway.
Yes…you are breaking me down…you are driving to a level of insanity that I have not encountered in years…you are making me feel pain and making me cry…I have the resolve never and I mean NEVER, submit to you will…It’s something that I refuse to do.
My will is not necessarily related to the situation…the situation of match after match of whatever Mrs. Kathy comes out with…no my will goes into something deeper…my will is in relation to Miss Kathy. My will keeps me going because in the end I refuse to bow to someone who is as cowardly as Miss Kathy.
I know you heard what I said Mrs. Kathy…because I know I didn’t stutter. I just called you a coward. I didn’t just call you a woman of pure evil…a woman who is unfit as a role model even to her own children…no I in fact called you the lowest of the low in this whole situation.
Instead of showing the world your true colors…you hid in your office behind your husband. Instead of telling me the matches to my face…you sent out your secretary…and of course announced them in the ring with your whole entourage of misses and Mister Jake around you.
Whether it is because you fear looking like a bad person…whether you fear looking like a bad role model…or heck whether you even fear me…all is irrelevant…the fact of the matter is you did what you did and seeing that perception is reality…the perception is that you are nothing more than a coward.
As for Miss Emma…well obviously you made your bed in your bed…and now you have to lie in it. Frankly it is of no matter to me your personal business…but just a word from the unstable of the wise…remember what happened to Miss Mercy…whether what happened between Mr. Jake and her happened or not is irrelevant…what happened though in the end is…let us just say she was disposed of like a piece of garbage…you can say that if you continue your association with Mr. Jake the same thing is likely to happen to you and Miss Callie. Again just something to think about.
Now with all that said…on Sunday…I will be walking through several circles of heck. I have a match that is out of the head of Miss Kathy…and if it is anything like the match that Mr. Jake made up for his match with Mr. Nate then you know it is going to be filled with all sorts of brutality…not to mention being pitted against not just Miss Kathy but one person.
Yes the odds are definitely not in my favor…and I probably shouldn’t even be thinking about winning. But if that was the case what would be my motivation for going out to that ring on Sunday. So while I shouldn’t even be thinking about winning I am actually going to this match with one goal in mind…to win. As little of a chance there is…there is still that chance…a chance that I gladly accept…and a chance I definitely would love to make a reality.
Will there be blood?
Yes.
Will it be from me?
No doubt.
But while winning isn’t something that should be crossing my mind…I know one thing that is going to happen without a doubt. Much like Mr. Nate and Mr. Jake’s spotlight incident last year…this year will no doubt be no different. Win or lose I will be making statement….I will show that even though I am being beaten down…I will fight to the bitter end…and as bloodied and as battered as I may be…I will be making two women the same way until may last bated breath.
So yes Mrs. Kathy you are breaking down my mind…but my will and my heart are going nowhere.
And on Sunday I will show the world that while I may not always be the better wrestler...I will show them that this mentally unstable miss is a better person...a better role model...and of course a better woman than you will ever be.