Post by Philip Burns on Apr 14, 2013 2:49:57 GMT -6
I wish I could explain all of my time away from nCw like some pathetic plot line in Superman Returns. I returned to my home, which I thought was destroyed just to double check. Maybe I left behind a legacy impossible to live up to when I eventually returned. Maybe everyone would think I was dead because I never said goodbye. Perhaps one of the media people would write an award winning piece entitled “Why the World Doesn’t Need Philip Burns.” Then out of nowhere a bitter sweet return, swooping back in the triumphantly save the day. What a bunch of horse ****. I love Superman so I hope all of you know how much it pains me to criticize the movie.
I’m not so naive to think myself a hero, a legend, or even a big deal in this company. I could have been. Oh man could I have. If anything I am closer to Christopher Nolan's Batman. I come in for a while, I change things up and cause a little excitement. But the citizens grow almost so weary of me that when I do seemingly drop out of existence there is little more than a fleeting shrug of the shoulders at the mention of my name.
This is where the misunderstandings come in. People claim to know why I left, why I am back, or why I do anything I do. It amazes me that I can come out here and spell it out a few weeks in a row then have guys like Joe Everyman put words into my mouth. It's like a bad script written by some zit faced wannabe fresh out of college. Joe hopes he can sell his vision and his words to get ahead in life but I told him exactly what his place was.
You can say my World Title was a fluke or any of those other tired cliches. Really any one on this roster can throw around words as though they are stones. I don’t care. I really could not care less what this roster thinks of my past. But I wont have people putting words into my mouth. When I say something you can take it straight to the bank because it is what I truly believe. I respect Gib for what he had to say about me. He was honest. Some people say that without a huge conflict people cant be motivated to tear into each other. Maybe I'm just sick but I like the idea of putting down an honest man.
I don't know why this is happening. I came back for my own reasons. Even last week I would never have thought Burning Angels would be riding high again. Sure I get the occasional text from Angel and we have been friendly over the years despite how we parted ways as a team. But imagine my surprise when I see Burning Angels on the docket to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Sure for a split second I thought we may have a match together and it might be fun but Angel hadn’t done as I did and announced his return. Maybe this was a package deal to get him to agree to do the Hall of Fame. Maybe someone in the back who calls the shots just doesn’t want Team America around any more. I don’t know. I don’t play the politics and spread the gossip.
I just know I came back to perform again the best this company has to offer. Team America fits that bill. To have a Tag Team title shot with my old friend Angel in my corner is a perfect way to wind down this run. When I first returned I thought either this company or my career would end on a glorious note. Never did I think it could be both.
{Scene opens to Burns and Angel walking down a hallway, still in Angel's gigantic house. Burns pulls an old red wagon behind him which is the current resting place of Mike Honcho.}
“Does this house end? You have a room for like everything you are into. You even have a room with miniature versions of your rooms inside it. That’s how much you love these rooms!”
“Well between the wrestling money and that time Donald Trump's limo ran over my foot I figured I might as well have the house I want.”
“Holy ****! Donald Trump ran over your foot? When did that happen?”
“Not important. Anyway, about this match. You and I both know Gib. He's a beast, with every possible implication of the word. Simon Daye is the variable here and video tape can only tell us so much.”
“I know. It was just a couple weeks ago that Curtis Kanyon BANGed me really hard then Gib layed on top of me for three seconds. Ever the opportunist.”
“You really have to watch when you say things like that. I know what you mean but in certain places in the south that could get you killed.”
“What? All I said was was Kanyon gave me his spear then Gib took his turn atop my worn out sweaty body.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is! Kanyon finished, then Gib-”
“You're doing it on purpose now.”
{Burns smirks}
“Maybe a little.”
“Look there's a reason we didn't have to qualify or ask for this shot. We spent 176 days earning the right to take down Team America. I don’t know about you but I'm not going to sit around and let someone tell me we are the SECOND best tag team in history.”
“Neither am I. Those bastards took away one of the best bragging points I ever had. One half of the longest reigning Tag Team Champions of all time had a nice ring to it. Adding the word SECOND in there kills a lot of lady boners.”
“Unfortunately there are not enough days left in nCw's life to overtake their record breaking reign but at least BURNING ANGELS can be in the last line of the record books.”
“Hey the way I look at it, the reign continues after the company shuts down.”
“Thats an interesting way of looking at it.”
“Makes me feel better. I’ve been PWW United States Champion for like 9 years. So really you've been a tag team champion for almost a decade. you’re a legend.”
{Angel Chuckles.}
“You wouldn’t happen to have a Taco Bell in this creepy old mansion would you?”
“No. why?”
“Honcho is going to wake
up soon. And if he doesn’t eat he will be cranky.”
“Oh. I could have my
chef whip something up.”
“You rich bastard.”
{Angel pulls out his cell phone and dials.}
“Hey. Can you make the largest, greasiest, most unhealthy burrito you've ever seen and bring it to the East wing? Give it to the Gentleman in the red Radio Flyer wagon. Thanks.”
{Honcho takes a single bite out of his huge disgusting burrito and throws it to the wind as the scene fades.}~~
"And the rest is history. Burns and Angel went on to defeat Gib and Simon Daye for the Tag Team titles. And in an unlikely turn of events, I, Mike Honcho came out of retirement and was granted a World Title match at a Night to Remember, which I won in a matter of seconds. Currently there is a glorious statue of the great Mustached One outside the old nCw headquarters in Dallas. I know it sounds too good to be true, but take it from me, Future Mike Honcho. This is exactly how it worked out. How else could I be sitting here telling you this? Surely I didn't pass out at Angel's personal titty bar, hit my head on something, wake up, draw a flux capacitor and just start rambling because I have a concussion. Does it taste like metal to anyone else?"
{Scene reopens to Mike lying in the wagon with Burns and Angel standing over him.}
"Mike? Yo buddy?"
"Hey dip****. You ok?"
"What happened?"
"Hey you can talk right again!"
"You hit your head and you've been rambling on about time travel and burritos."
"That doesnt sound like me."
{Scene fades.}
