Post by Danny Vice on Oct 4, 2007 17:52:29 GMT -6
The Jimmy Kimmel Show returns from commercial to find Jimmy seated next to the superstar film actor, Edward Norton. The cameras show the crowd cheering the return of the show before cutting back in to Jimmy.
Jimmy: Well, my next guest has one of the most interesting professions known to mankind.
Edward: I like that little play on words there.
Jimmy: Yeah, that's why I get paid the big buck, right?
Edward: (laughing) Exactly. Always with the quick wit.
Jimmy: Anyways, he actually has one of my dreamjobs. As a kid I always thought it would be so cool to get paid to just beat the crap out of other people. I mean, imagine waking up everyday, no matter what you're frustrated about...like ya know...I got cut off on the way home from the grocery story yesterday so I'm gonna go crash a steel chair over someone's head.
Edward: You'd be surprised to hear all the different things I'd like to do to many of my past co-workers.
Jimmy: Easy Eddie, this isn't that kind of show.
The crowd laughs. Jokes with sexual innuendos rock, don't they?
Jimmy: Without further ado, here he is, professional wrestler from the nCw...Danny "The Vagrant" Vice!
The crowd applauds as Danny walks out in a Johnny Nitro inspired ensemble, complete with furcoat as he grabs a seat.
Jimmy: (laughing) What...what the hell are you wearing?
Edward: Seriously, this looks like Michael Vick's wet dream.
Danny: (laughing) Yeah. Sorry guys. I talked to my people and they said I should look Hollywood since I'm hanging out with such big shots like you two fellas.
Jimmy: I respect your attempt to fit in, but you look like Ethel Mertz from "I Love Lucy" right now.
Danny laughs off the joke at his expense before removing his coat. This illicits the cheers of all the females in attendance.
Edward: Now you're just insulting us. I can't sit next to you when you're all ripped like that, makes me look bad!
The three share a laugh again as Jimmy begins the interview of Danny over the upcoming Mindgames pay-per-view.
Jimmy: Alright Danny, tell us a little bit about the nCw.
Danny: The nCw is a recently revived wrestling federation run by a man named Leonard Fox. The primary focus of this place is much different than a lot of other places I've worked in the past, as they are worried first and foremost about their fans satisfaction. If everyone that comes out to a show has a good time and enjoys themselves, then the rest is just gravy.
Jimmy: And you like that aspect?
Danny: Of course, I wouldn't want it any other way. I mean look at all the beautiful people who showed up here tonight!
Cheap pop, Danny lives for them.
Jimmy: And your match this weekend, who is it against and what is this event called?
Danny: This Sunday is Mindgames. The second PPV since the revival of the brand, and my first as a competitor. I'm facing off Reckoning and Christian Kane in a Falls Count Anywhere match.
Jimmy: And what do you think of these guys?
Danny: To be brutally honest with you, these two guys don't impress me. I don't know if you caught a glimpse of my rant on Reckoning yesterday on old Regis and Kelly's show, but the guy reminds me more of Jamie Kennedy in "Malibu's Most Wanted" then Eminem's B-Rabbit in "8 Mile". It's brutal to listen to him babble incoherently, say a nursery rhyme, babble some more, drop a name, then babble again. And Christian Kane...wow.
Jimmy: What do you mean "wow"? Tell us a little bit about Christian Kane.
Danny: Christian Kane is a work of art man. I didn't think you could imagine people up as ignorant and retarded as this. Have you heard anything he's ever said? I mean, he definitely hung out at the cool kids table back in high school, because all this guy worries about is his little image. He's soooooooo "chill" ripping off some dumb schmuck's girl and marrying the bitch. Then what does he do? He celebrate it in his latest little video by essentially gloating that he bagged a fatty. Yes, that's right, your wife is a tub of lard. A heffer. A cow. I've downed entire bottles of Jack Daniels, and I still wouldn't sleep with this guy's wife if I was using old Ed Norton's cock.
Edward: Hey!
Jimmy: (laughing) I don't think anyone wants to be thinking about Ed's cock right now.
Danny: Either way, to make matters worse, what does he do next? Gives us a freaking play-by-play of his last match, followed up with how he's going to "change it up" and "show us something we've never seen before" (makes snoring sounds). The originality here is mind-blowing. I feel like I'm reading a How-To book to write the most generic promo in professional wrestler. Step 1: Babble on and on about how cool you are. Step 2: Say how you're going to revolutionize the sport with something crazy and new. Step 3: Yes, there it is. Declare your dominance over a sport you do not even have the slightest of knowledge and comprehension. Wait a minute, Christian doesn't even have the balls to claim he's the best, he makes his WIFE do it for him! "This will be the start of a new era in the NCW and that will be the Kane era." You have to be kidding me there, right? This is a dream. No one would actually say that. No one, especially someone with 0 career wins at the time, would say something so repugnant. So there ya have it Jimmy. That isn't just Christian Kane in a nutshell, that's the whole thing. All the depth, all the colors, the passion, the motivation, it's all right there. He's a big dumb ox, with his heffer wife, caught in the middle of a firefight with only a little pail of water. This isn't a fight that Christian Kane is going to remember for long. It won't be a night that he and his whoreish cow of a wife tell their grandchildren one day. This will be a bloodbath. I can't be held responsible for the results of my actions. Christian Kane will fall, 1...2...3 on Sunday at Mindgame. And there is nothing he can do about it.
Jimmy: Thank you Danny, we'll be back after this commecrial break.
Fade to commercial...
Jimmy: Well, my next guest has one of the most interesting professions known to mankind.
Edward: I like that little play on words there.
Jimmy: Yeah, that's why I get paid the big buck, right?
Edward: (laughing) Exactly. Always with the quick wit.
Jimmy: Anyways, he actually has one of my dreamjobs. As a kid I always thought it would be so cool to get paid to just beat the crap out of other people. I mean, imagine waking up everyday, no matter what you're frustrated about...like ya know...I got cut off on the way home from the grocery story yesterday so I'm gonna go crash a steel chair over someone's head.
Edward: You'd be surprised to hear all the different things I'd like to do to many of my past co-workers.
Jimmy: Easy Eddie, this isn't that kind of show.
The crowd laughs. Jokes with sexual innuendos rock, don't they?
Jimmy: Without further ado, here he is, professional wrestler from the nCw...Danny "The Vagrant" Vice!
The crowd applauds as Danny walks out in a Johnny Nitro inspired ensemble, complete with furcoat as he grabs a seat.
Jimmy: (laughing) What...what the hell are you wearing?
Edward: Seriously, this looks like Michael Vick's wet dream.
Danny: (laughing) Yeah. Sorry guys. I talked to my people and they said I should look Hollywood since I'm hanging out with such big shots like you two fellas.
Jimmy: I respect your attempt to fit in, but you look like Ethel Mertz from "I Love Lucy" right now.
Danny laughs off the joke at his expense before removing his coat. This illicits the cheers of all the females in attendance.
Edward: Now you're just insulting us. I can't sit next to you when you're all ripped like that, makes me look bad!
The three share a laugh again as Jimmy begins the interview of Danny over the upcoming Mindgames pay-per-view.
Jimmy: Alright Danny, tell us a little bit about the nCw.
Danny: The nCw is a recently revived wrestling federation run by a man named Leonard Fox. The primary focus of this place is much different than a lot of other places I've worked in the past, as they are worried first and foremost about their fans satisfaction. If everyone that comes out to a show has a good time and enjoys themselves, then the rest is just gravy.
Jimmy: And you like that aspect?
Danny: Of course, I wouldn't want it any other way. I mean look at all the beautiful people who showed up here tonight!
Cheap pop, Danny lives for them.
Jimmy: And your match this weekend, who is it against and what is this event called?
Danny: This Sunday is Mindgames. The second PPV since the revival of the brand, and my first as a competitor. I'm facing off Reckoning and Christian Kane in a Falls Count Anywhere match.
Jimmy: And what do you think of these guys?
Danny: To be brutally honest with you, these two guys don't impress me. I don't know if you caught a glimpse of my rant on Reckoning yesterday on old Regis and Kelly's show, but the guy reminds me more of Jamie Kennedy in "Malibu's Most Wanted" then Eminem's B-Rabbit in "8 Mile". It's brutal to listen to him babble incoherently, say a nursery rhyme, babble some more, drop a name, then babble again. And Christian Kane...wow.
Jimmy: What do you mean "wow"? Tell us a little bit about Christian Kane.
Danny: Christian Kane is a work of art man. I didn't think you could imagine people up as ignorant and retarded as this. Have you heard anything he's ever said? I mean, he definitely hung out at the cool kids table back in high school, because all this guy worries about is his little image. He's soooooooo "chill" ripping off some dumb schmuck's girl and marrying the bitch. Then what does he do? He celebrate it in his latest little video by essentially gloating that he bagged a fatty. Yes, that's right, your wife is a tub of lard. A heffer. A cow. I've downed entire bottles of Jack Daniels, and I still wouldn't sleep with this guy's wife if I was using old Ed Norton's cock.
Edward: Hey!
Jimmy: (laughing) I don't think anyone wants to be thinking about Ed's cock right now.
Danny: Either way, to make matters worse, what does he do next? Gives us a freaking play-by-play of his last match, followed up with how he's going to "change it up" and "show us something we've never seen before" (makes snoring sounds). The originality here is mind-blowing. I feel like I'm reading a How-To book to write the most generic promo in professional wrestler. Step 1: Babble on and on about how cool you are. Step 2: Say how you're going to revolutionize the sport with something crazy and new. Step 3: Yes, there it is. Declare your dominance over a sport you do not even have the slightest of knowledge and comprehension. Wait a minute, Christian doesn't even have the balls to claim he's the best, he makes his WIFE do it for him! "This will be the start of a new era in the NCW and that will be the Kane era." You have to be kidding me there, right? This is a dream. No one would actually say that. No one, especially someone with 0 career wins at the time, would say something so repugnant. So there ya have it Jimmy. That isn't just Christian Kane in a nutshell, that's the whole thing. All the depth, all the colors, the passion, the motivation, it's all right there. He's a big dumb ox, with his heffer wife, caught in the middle of a firefight with only a little pail of water. This isn't a fight that Christian Kane is going to remember for long. It won't be a night that he and his whoreish cow of a wife tell their grandchildren one day. This will be a bloodbath. I can't be held responsible for the results of my actions. Christian Kane will fall, 1...2...3 on Sunday at Mindgame. And there is nothing he can do about it.
Jimmy: Thank you Danny, we'll be back after this commecrial break.
Fade to commercial...