Post by Cliff Clinton on May 10, 2008 10:30:37 GMT -6
Hark, the herald sings. The prophets have brought news, and I’m not talking about DP and KC Burke either. In the year 2280 there will be a massive wave that overtakes the world. What kind of wave? A wave of……DESTRUCTION….a wave of……TERROR…….a wave of ARIZONIA SOUTHERN STYLE REAL BREWED SWEET TEA, (yeah, in the future ASSRBST is a first rate killer but you didn’t know that so I’ll allow your unintelligence this time), a wave of something so entirely deadly that the world will have no choice but to do the locomotion to the rhythm of a bag of empty beer bottles being carried up to the store. That’s our only hope to even attempt to save ourselves from the ruckus. If not? Well then sir, were screwed. And if you already returned your bottles for the deposit and bought a candy bar instead of trying to help save the world, well then sir, you are a jerk. Because if nobody helps us during all the waves and we all die then I’m so kicking your ass! But any ways I bet you want to know what the actual danger is. Like is there an actual face to this evil and if it has one, what does it look like? Is it ugly, cute? Will it look good on a t-shirt? Well it would take eighty years…..or precisely one Dave Holland promo for a big pay per view, to properly explain everything that you need to know about the future menace to society. So I’m not even going to begin to try. It’s pointless it really is.
Okay you twisted my arm.
To cut a long story short, the answer is “Goats.” Yes, goats. Evil, evil goats with lasers and a hooks for hands. And they have been to ten Bjork concerts so you know they worship the devil! And at first we were all cool with them roaming around getting there little goat beard hair all up in our coffee because they ate the paparazzi that stalked King Steve Awesome the eleventh. But then they turned there attention to us citizens. They ate everybody who knew kung fu and martial arts. King Steve Awesome the eleventh tried to fight the beasts and he took out like fifty before he even got tired. But then he got a rock in his shoe and died. It was horrible. Very bloody and gross.
So that left the world with nothing but sissy gay guys and Davey Ortega. (LOLZ I didn’t even need to make two separate categories for that) Anyways the newly reformed Empire version thirty seven and two/eighths is trying desperately to fight off the menace to the world, yes that means they are face, but it’s really no use because fighting the goats is like fighting a rag tag super group filled with Hulk Hogans, Undertakers, and the whole roster of Ring of Honor during a “fighting spirit” match. Those mothah ****in goats are no selling everything. Even Ortega’s spear isn’t doing any damage to them.
What do our heroes do? Nothing. They just get close together and reminisce on the event that started this whole thing in the first place. Two hundred and seventy two years ago when Layla Garcia walked inside that epic steel cage against the harlot known as Carly Robbins. The very sexy and mega awesome descendent of Queen Layla the sexy, showed so much passion, so much bloodlust, so much urge to just completely and utterly kick some interviewer ass inside the cage that the rage and evil that oozed out of the top finally processed itself enough to seep into these goats brains and turn them EVIL!
Do you want that to happen? Do you want evil goats rampaging through the city? I sure as hell don’t. I think I’d be rather content without a bunch of goats no selling moves because they are either too old to do it right anymore or….for some reason…..thinks it makes cool. If I could I’d stop this from happening. I’d find away to fly straight to nCw headquarters AKA Leonard Fox’s basement, and demand that this match be canceled. But I can’t. Because I have no money. And I don’t know exactly where Fox lives. And these two need to fight in this cage.
But most importantly, I’m just hoping for a look at the boobs.
We open in on Layla as she sits on the couch, eyeing the promo Carly did a few days ago.
“Hmmm, that Ralph Casanova guy…he looks oddly familiar. And where do I know that name from?”
She turns her head around to look behind the sofa. At a table we see Steve Awesome and Trent Helms playing battleship.
“Babe. Have you ever herd of a Ralph Casanova?”
She questions her man, and he replies not even looking away from the game.
“Is he me?”
“No.”
Layla answers.
“Then I’ve never herd of him.”
“Nice!”
Trent exclaims as he high fives his friend and Reborn opponent without even looking away from his side either. Layla shrugs and turns back around.
“So Carly, you did attempt to speak after all. I was thinking that you were just going to run away but I guess not. Good job, I guess you really do have some pride after all. That’s just one more thing for me to beat out of you.”
“I don’t know where you found that interviewer guy but he looks vaguely familiar. Almost like he has waited on me before, I can never remember the help. The faces sort of blur together after awhile. Kind of like Carly’s sex life! HA! OH SNAP!”
Awesome chimes in.
“OH! Sick burn!”
Trent looks up with a puzzled look on his face.
“Wait, did I just walk into a Ricky Johnson promo by mistake?”
Back to Layla.
“But all jokes aside. You suck. Okay, seriously all jokes aside. You’re a slut! Okay…I’m really serious this time. Carly, I watched your little interview and I couldn’t agree more. You pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. Your right, Steve pretended to care about you.”
Cut to Steve.
“Yeah. All the way into her pants! Can I get an AMEN brother Trent?”
Cut to Trent.
“AMEN-AH!”
Back to Layla.
“He led you on, got what he wanted from you and tossed you aside as soon as I walked back into his life. As soon as the better women was revealed Steve made his choice accordingly. That fling with you? Sort of like when you read a book because your cable is out. You don’t really like reading all that much but you do it because you need something to do until cable comes back. You were just…..”something to do”. And for that I pity you. You said there more that went on? I don’t want to know about it. I’m already going to hurt you for the kiss I saw. So keep the extra details to yourself!”
Cut to Awesome who leans in closer to Trent.
“Apparently, Carly likes being tea bagged. She gets off on it.”
Back to Layla.
“But to be honest with you Car, this thing has gone way further then you sleeping with my boyfriend. I’ll admit that is where the most of my anger lies but a good portion of me doesn’t care about that anymore. I’m not even mad. In fact I don’t care if Steve slept with you or not!”
Cut to Trent.
“You hear that dude? Your in the clear!”
Cut to Steve.
“Sweet. There was this hot receptionist I saw in nCw HQ that I wanted to bang.”
Cut back to Trent.
“You know HQ is Leonard’s basement. So the receptionist you saw was probably his wife.”
“Oh. Well do you think he’d be pissed?”
“Not sure. But I do know that she goes through milk like it’s water!”
Back to Layla.
“All I want to do is take out all this pent up aggression I have. It’s almost like there is this burden. An overwhelming amount of weight on my shoulders that will only be lessened whenever I punch you directly in your plastic nose. Just like you Carly, I’m tired of all this fighting. I just want to get in that cage and get this whole thing over with. So then I can go back to being a pampered wrestling princess and you can go back to…..*she giggles*….. working for a living.”
“So I’m going to beat you within an inch of your life. Just to make myself feel better. For every short skirt you wear, for every hair extension you attach, for every abortion you had to have….”
Cut to Steve.
“Give her one for that time she used her teeth.”
Cut to Trent who winces in empathetic pain.
“Oh. That’s not cool at all.”
Back to Layla.
“And one for whatever Steve just said. You think I’ve been this mean horrible bitch already? Just wait for tomorrow.”
Layla gets up and walks off screen, the scene cutting back to Trent and Steve.
“B10.”
Awesome checks his board before tossing it off the table.
“Man, **** this game!”
The pieces fly everywhere.
"Let's play chess!"
"We can't."
"Why not?"
"You threw the pieces all over the floor."
Trent points at a pile of chess pieces and a board on the floor.
"Oh. Well how about "Sorry"?"
"Same thing."
Trent points to a pile on the floor that closely resembles ingredients to a game of "Sorry".
"Clue?"
Trent points to a pile.
"Monopoly?"
Trent points.
"Guess who?"
Points.
"Hungary Hungary Hippos?"
Points.
"Tic tac toe?"
Oddly enough Trent points to a pile of X's and O's lying on the ground.
"Well um....we can go make black jokes in front of Xavier if you want to."
"Stop by KFC first. I have a plan."
The friends get up and walk away. Leaving the mess to be cleaned up by Layla. Because thats the whole reason why dudes have girlfriends in the first place. Amiright folks?
Static.
Okay you twisted my arm.
To cut a long story short, the answer is “Goats.” Yes, goats. Evil, evil goats with lasers and a hooks for hands. And they have been to ten Bjork concerts so you know they worship the devil! And at first we were all cool with them roaming around getting there little goat beard hair all up in our coffee because they ate the paparazzi that stalked King Steve Awesome the eleventh. But then they turned there attention to us citizens. They ate everybody who knew kung fu and martial arts. King Steve Awesome the eleventh tried to fight the beasts and he took out like fifty before he even got tired. But then he got a rock in his shoe and died. It was horrible. Very bloody and gross.
So that left the world with nothing but sissy gay guys and Davey Ortega. (LOLZ I didn’t even need to make two separate categories for that) Anyways the newly reformed Empire version thirty seven and two/eighths is trying desperately to fight off the menace to the world, yes that means they are face, but it’s really no use because fighting the goats is like fighting a rag tag super group filled with Hulk Hogans, Undertakers, and the whole roster of Ring of Honor during a “fighting spirit” match. Those mothah ****in goats are no selling everything. Even Ortega’s spear isn’t doing any damage to them.
What do our heroes do? Nothing. They just get close together and reminisce on the event that started this whole thing in the first place. Two hundred and seventy two years ago when Layla Garcia walked inside that epic steel cage against the harlot known as Carly Robbins. The very sexy and mega awesome descendent of Queen Layla the sexy, showed so much passion, so much bloodlust, so much urge to just completely and utterly kick some interviewer ass inside the cage that the rage and evil that oozed out of the top finally processed itself enough to seep into these goats brains and turn them EVIL!
Do you want that to happen? Do you want evil goats rampaging through the city? I sure as hell don’t. I think I’d be rather content without a bunch of goats no selling moves because they are either too old to do it right anymore or….for some reason…..thinks it makes cool. If I could I’d stop this from happening. I’d find away to fly straight to nCw headquarters AKA Leonard Fox’s basement, and demand that this match be canceled. But I can’t. Because I have no money. And I don’t know exactly where Fox lives. And these two need to fight in this cage.
But most importantly, I’m just hoping for a look at the boobs.
We open in on Layla as she sits on the couch, eyeing the promo Carly did a few days ago.
“Hmmm, that Ralph Casanova guy…he looks oddly familiar. And where do I know that name from?”
She turns her head around to look behind the sofa. At a table we see Steve Awesome and Trent Helms playing battleship.
“Babe. Have you ever herd of a Ralph Casanova?”
She questions her man, and he replies not even looking away from the game.
“Is he me?”
“No.”
Layla answers.
“Then I’ve never herd of him.”
“Nice!”
Trent exclaims as he high fives his friend and Reborn opponent without even looking away from his side either. Layla shrugs and turns back around.
“So Carly, you did attempt to speak after all. I was thinking that you were just going to run away but I guess not. Good job, I guess you really do have some pride after all. That’s just one more thing for me to beat out of you.”
“I don’t know where you found that interviewer guy but he looks vaguely familiar. Almost like he has waited on me before, I can never remember the help. The faces sort of blur together after awhile. Kind of like Carly’s sex life! HA! OH SNAP!”
Awesome chimes in.
“OH! Sick burn!”
Trent looks up with a puzzled look on his face.
“Wait, did I just walk into a Ricky Johnson promo by mistake?”
Back to Layla.
“But all jokes aside. You suck. Okay, seriously all jokes aside. You’re a slut! Okay…I’m really serious this time. Carly, I watched your little interview and I couldn’t agree more. You pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. Your right, Steve pretended to care about you.”
Cut to Steve.
“Yeah. All the way into her pants! Can I get an AMEN brother Trent?”
Cut to Trent.
“AMEN-AH!”
Back to Layla.
“He led you on, got what he wanted from you and tossed you aside as soon as I walked back into his life. As soon as the better women was revealed Steve made his choice accordingly. That fling with you? Sort of like when you read a book because your cable is out. You don’t really like reading all that much but you do it because you need something to do until cable comes back. You were just…..”something to do”. And for that I pity you. You said there more that went on? I don’t want to know about it. I’m already going to hurt you for the kiss I saw. So keep the extra details to yourself!”
Cut to Awesome who leans in closer to Trent.
“Apparently, Carly likes being tea bagged. She gets off on it.”
Back to Layla.
“But to be honest with you Car, this thing has gone way further then you sleeping with my boyfriend. I’ll admit that is where the most of my anger lies but a good portion of me doesn’t care about that anymore. I’m not even mad. In fact I don’t care if Steve slept with you or not!”
Cut to Trent.
“You hear that dude? Your in the clear!”
Cut to Steve.
“Sweet. There was this hot receptionist I saw in nCw HQ that I wanted to bang.”
Cut back to Trent.
“You know HQ is Leonard’s basement. So the receptionist you saw was probably his wife.”
“Oh. Well do you think he’d be pissed?”
“Not sure. But I do know that she goes through milk like it’s water!”
Back to Layla.
“All I want to do is take out all this pent up aggression I have. It’s almost like there is this burden. An overwhelming amount of weight on my shoulders that will only be lessened whenever I punch you directly in your plastic nose. Just like you Carly, I’m tired of all this fighting. I just want to get in that cage and get this whole thing over with. So then I can go back to being a pampered wrestling princess and you can go back to…..*she giggles*….. working for a living.”
“So I’m going to beat you within an inch of your life. Just to make myself feel better. For every short skirt you wear, for every hair extension you attach, for every abortion you had to have….”
Cut to Steve.
“Give her one for that time she used her teeth.”
Cut to Trent who winces in empathetic pain.
“Oh. That’s not cool at all.”
Back to Layla.
“And one for whatever Steve just said. You think I’ve been this mean horrible bitch already? Just wait for tomorrow.”
Layla gets up and walks off screen, the scene cutting back to Trent and Steve.
“B10.”
Awesome checks his board before tossing it off the table.
“Man, **** this game!”
The pieces fly everywhere.
"Let's play chess!"
"We can't."
"Why not?"
"You threw the pieces all over the floor."
Trent points at a pile of chess pieces and a board on the floor.
"Oh. Well how about "Sorry"?"
"Same thing."
Trent points to a pile on the floor that closely resembles ingredients to a game of "Sorry".
"Clue?"
Trent points to a pile.
"Monopoly?"
Trent points.
"Guess who?"
Points.
"Hungary Hungary Hippos?"
Points.
"Tic tac toe?"
Oddly enough Trent points to a pile of X's and O's lying on the ground.
"Well um....we can go make black jokes in front of Xavier if you want to."
"Stop by KFC first. I have a plan."
The friends get up and walk away. Leaving the mess to be cleaned up by Layla. Because thats the whole reason why dudes have girlfriends in the first place. Amiright folks?
Static.