Post by Shelly Taylor-Jones on Jun 29, 2009 16:18:52 GMT -6
A strange thing happens when one accepts death. A feeling of relief washes over you. Like a cooling wave of water on a burn or scold. Or the realisation that you just got away with a lie. You tend to reflect on your life, mistakes, pain, and happiness. You weigh it all up. Was it worth it?. Were you ever happy?. Is the pain now gone?. All questions that need to be asked. But as I lay here the world seems to change around me. I start to realise that while I can accept death it would be the easy way out. And since when does my family do anything the “easy” way?
The rain falls. The body lies in the cold earth, the night comes. The sky lights up with cracking flashes of light.
As I lay here my mind snaps to a simple realisation. Acceptance of one’s own mortality is a weakness. Why must I lay here and realise that my flesh and blood got the better of me?. Why must I accept he won?. He hasn’t, he has not beaten me. I can feel the weight of the dirt around me. The worms and maggots waiting to feast on my corpse once my final breathe rings out. Should I scream?. No. No point, no one will hear. I want to live, I want to breathe, I want to cause him pain and show he is not the one who will end me.
The ground seems to move. A hand shoots out from the mud, a forearm, and then a shoulder, a head also seems to rip up gasping for air.
The air fills my lungs as the rain hits my body. It’s cold and rejuvenates me. As I pull myself from the earth I realise this is it. My resurrection. I’m born again, I’m fresh and new. I am a virgin of the world. This is my new life, a new time, a new me. My birth-giver is mother earth, my father is my own brother who helped my decent and re-birth.
He pulls his body upward, he turns and lays on his back staring up at the bleeding sky. He sits up and pulls the rest of his body from the hole in the ground, his eyes focus on the cross in front of him, a simple wooden monument, a smile comes across his face as the rain stops, Nero reaches out and touches the damp wood before turning and walking away, his feet heavy on the damp ground.
I have two paths ahead. One leads to a normal life. I’m free now. I have my own mind. My brother freed me, he gave me the greatest gift anyone can give. He liberated my soul from our family. “Am I like him now?” I wonder to myself. Can I have a family?, a daughter?, a normal life?. Can I become normal and purge the evil from my body completely?. No. That is one path, the other is filled with chaos. Because down that path I have not been freed. I’ve been unleashed, no longer chained down by my father’s misplaced adulation for my older sibling. No longer am I bound by his decree of not taking his life.....
He walks out onto a dirt road looking around, his clothes torn and dishevelled. His breath heavy.
I feel the cold on my pale skin. It’s a welcome feeling as I walk the streets alone. I see many staring at me, I just smile at them and keep walking. I turn and see a payphone; I suppose I should let atleast two people in the world know that my demise is greatly exaggerated. I pick up the phone and try and call my dear sister....no answer...nothing. It rings over and over, I let out a small growl of discontent and confusion before dialling another number. It rings and rings but finally he picks up, I just laugh and utter two words....
“NOT...DEAD”
I hang the phone up and turn back out into the street...I start my lonely journey home with thoughts coming into my mind. Thoughts of anger, hatred and pain. I will unleash the chaos in my heart upon my own blood. The father of my resurrection, the man who gave me my freedom.....
He walks down the lonely road, he stops and sits down for a rest, his black dreads over his piercing white eyes, Nero turns his head and then starts to mutter something....
"Tis true my form is something odd, But blaming me is blaming God. Could I create myself anew, I would not fail in pleasing you. If I could reach from pole to pole, Or grasp the ocean with a span, I would be measured by the soul, The mind's the standard of the man."
The rain falls. The body lies in the cold earth, the night comes. The sky lights up with cracking flashes of light.
As I lay here my mind snaps to a simple realisation. Acceptance of one’s own mortality is a weakness. Why must I lay here and realise that my flesh and blood got the better of me?. Why must I accept he won?. He hasn’t, he has not beaten me. I can feel the weight of the dirt around me. The worms and maggots waiting to feast on my corpse once my final breathe rings out. Should I scream?. No. No point, no one will hear. I want to live, I want to breathe, I want to cause him pain and show he is not the one who will end me.
The ground seems to move. A hand shoots out from the mud, a forearm, and then a shoulder, a head also seems to rip up gasping for air.
The air fills my lungs as the rain hits my body. It’s cold and rejuvenates me. As I pull myself from the earth I realise this is it. My resurrection. I’m born again, I’m fresh and new. I am a virgin of the world. This is my new life, a new time, a new me. My birth-giver is mother earth, my father is my own brother who helped my decent and re-birth.
He pulls his body upward, he turns and lays on his back staring up at the bleeding sky. He sits up and pulls the rest of his body from the hole in the ground, his eyes focus on the cross in front of him, a simple wooden monument, a smile comes across his face as the rain stops, Nero reaches out and touches the damp wood before turning and walking away, his feet heavy on the damp ground.
I have two paths ahead. One leads to a normal life. I’m free now. I have my own mind. My brother freed me, he gave me the greatest gift anyone can give. He liberated my soul from our family. “Am I like him now?” I wonder to myself. Can I have a family?, a daughter?, a normal life?. Can I become normal and purge the evil from my body completely?. No. That is one path, the other is filled with chaos. Because down that path I have not been freed. I’ve been unleashed, no longer chained down by my father’s misplaced adulation for my older sibling. No longer am I bound by his decree of not taking his life.....
He walks out onto a dirt road looking around, his clothes torn and dishevelled. His breath heavy.
I feel the cold on my pale skin. It’s a welcome feeling as I walk the streets alone. I see many staring at me, I just smile at them and keep walking. I turn and see a payphone; I suppose I should let atleast two people in the world know that my demise is greatly exaggerated. I pick up the phone and try and call my dear sister....no answer...nothing. It rings over and over, I let out a small growl of discontent and confusion before dialling another number. It rings and rings but finally he picks up, I just laugh and utter two words....
“NOT...DEAD”
I hang the phone up and turn back out into the street...I start my lonely journey home with thoughts coming into my mind. Thoughts of anger, hatred and pain. I will unleash the chaos in my heart upon my own blood. The father of my resurrection, the man who gave me my freedom.....
He walks down the lonely road, he stops and sits down for a rest, his black dreads over his piercing white eyes, Nero turns his head and then starts to mutter something....
"Tis true my form is something odd, But blaming me is blaming God. Could I create myself anew, I would not fail in pleasing you. If I could reach from pole to pole, Or grasp the ocean with a span, I would be measured by the soul, The mind's the standard of the man."