Post by Rob Diamond on Jun 30, 2009 20:42:03 GMT -6
( Today we are proud to bring to you a very special edition of "A Rob Diamond Promo." For one day only Rob Diamond has decided to show courtesy to his three other opponents in this weekends Assault X match for the nCw X-Division Title, by going out of his way and cutting their promos for them. Thats right ladies and gentlemen, you heard it first. Rob Diamond will take on the guise of Xavier Williams, Shaddix, and the current X-Division Champion himself, Jack Hammond. Without further adieu we open to Rob Diamond seated on a couch, wearing his usual garb, cross legged with a black background. )
Rob Diamond: Hello and good evening. If you were listening to my scene description guy then you already know what I got planned for you folks at home. And let me just say before I start that I carefully researched all my opponents to make sure I caught the essence of not only their characters but their very souls. I want to make sure my impressions of them are as close to realistic as one can possibly get. It is my intention that you will get lost in my performance and believe me to be the men I am portraying. Hopefully my opponents appreciate what I'm doing and use the extra time I'm giving them, by cutting their promos for them, to train so more before the big match.
( Mr. Diamond reaches behind the couch and slaps on what I'm going to assume is his custom made "The Shadow Master" Shaddix mask. He turns and faces the camera, now wearing the mask. )
Shaddix: This weekend I FINALLY get the shot I EARNED at the X-Division Championship. I have gone through bars, drunken women, red neck men, police officers, FBI agents and crooked morticians to get to this point and no WRESTLER is going to stop me. Have you been watching me, huh? Have you seen the things I've done to get this chance? I've beaten up people randomly in promos, I've ridden on motorcycles with strange men who looked something like this...
Shaddix: What makes you think I'm not prepared to beat you three guys and take that title which should already be around my waist? I mean, just because I left for a little while to cry about my boyfriend getting gunned down in cold blood during a police chase, doesn't mean I'm not ready to wrestle in this match which has nothing to do with anything I've been doing. Do you know how fast and how smart you have to be to hide from the police on NATIONAL TV every week? It's a wonder these guys even have jobs. By the way, thats totally just a lingering story thread that I'm never going to tie up. Just so you know... Wait... OH MY FRIGGIN GOD!!!!
( From somewhere off screen we hear a guy go "BLAM! BLAM!" )
Shaddix: NOOOOOO!!!!!! MY UNCLE LESTER!!!! YOU KILLED HIM YOU BASTARDS!!! They found him, how the hell did they find him? YOU GOD DARN LIBYANS!!!! IT WAS HIS PLUTONIUM!!!!!
( Shaddix clears his throat. )
Shaddix: Yeah, so that title is totally coming home to the shadows with the master of shadows, me.
( Rob removes the mask and straightens his hair out. )
Rob Diamond: Now if you liked that, your gonna love this.
( Again Rob turns around and slides a mask on, this one of the lovable Hamster, Jack Hammond. )
The Hamster: Now unlike some of my opponents I'm not going to sit here and just say god awful stuff about them. I like to think I don't have too, mostly because I can't really think of anything original to say.
( He waves his arms disarmingly like he does in EVERY single promo. )
The Hamster: So I see myself with a couple of options. One, I let my wife bang Nelly Angel.
( The Hamster blushes a little, surprised that the thought of Nelly Angel banging his wife gave him wood. )
The Hamster: Or I could sit here and talk about whatever car I'm driving right now, perhaps discuss with the viewers at home some of the mechanical troubles I'm having with her, but then again that isn't exactly fun and fails to really get the point across that I use muscle cars to over compensate for the little muscle in my pants.
( The Hamster feels for his balls, only to remember he left them firmly in his wife's hands, who by the way is a master at juggling several objects in and around her mouth. )
The Hamster: And finally I could sit back and give you a plethora of reasons why I should not only not win this match, but why I should not win any match, and most nights I heavily contemplate going back to my hotel and pulling a Chris Benoit, sans the wife and kid, and just skip ahead to the good part where I kill myself, because underneath this cheeky grin is a truly depressed individual who only finds solace in self depreciation and allot of alcohol.
( The Hamster starts wrapping wire around his neck before stopping. )
The Hamster: But as fun as all of that sounds I think I'd rather just say some stupid stuff that means nothing to pretty much everyone and hope to god that some how I can not lose long enough to steal another victory while no one is looking.
( The Hamster shrugs while ducking a battle axe someone throws at him from off camera. )
The Hamster: Funny guys... So where were we? Oh, Nelly Angel is totally hot, my penis is totally not there, big cars are cool, shiny belts are neat, and I think suicide is the only way out.
( Rob quickly removes the mask and throws it off to the side. )
Rob Diamond: I think I lost myself in that one for a moment... Phew... How does that guy go ten seconds without putting a bullet through his skull? He reminds me of the Ace but with allot more talent and generally interesting things to say. Now who's left on my list... Ah yes. Xavier Williams.
( For the final time Rob reaches behind the couch and grabs a mask. )
X: There's been allot of rumors flying around nCw that I'm not exactly as good as I used to be, well guess what nCw, I don't like rumors and I just might have to car jack yo teeth into the back of your throat.
I don't like rumors. Rumors lead to here-say, here-say leads to speculation, and we all know that speculation is the tool of the white cracka devil to make all ya'll believe that Xavier isn't ass good as he used to be.
I don't know where you get your 411 dawgs but let the blackest world champion ever lay it down for you like this. Just because I lose 9.5 out of every 10 matches I'm in doesn't mean I've lost anything.
Just because most wrestlers can beat me like I'm in chains and my name is Kunta Kinte doesn't mean a damn thing. I'm still as good as I ever was. I'm still nailing four to five fat white chicks a night. I'm still jacking car stereos in thirty seconds or less. I'm still beating down the white devil with all my mans and them every chance I get.
And as far as this racism stuff goes yo, just because my latest t-shirt says "death to the white man" and "die cracka die" on the back, don't be meaning nuffin but a muffin and some corn with some stuffin playa. I'm black, and according to porno I'm hung like a horse, and because I got rich black men supporting me I can say and do whatever I want, because if you even try to make me out to be what I really am, Jesse Jackson will sue your ass for racial discrimination so damn fast that your swastika will spin.
So all you really got to know is, I'm a racist, but because I'm black you can't say nuffin but a muffin about it dawg. But because I hate crackas I'm gonna say you hate black people, without any reasonable logic to back it up. So why don't you suck on a cracka jack and don't come back no more no more. NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT!?
Sucka.
( Rob peels the last mask off, brushes himself off, then leans back in the couch, putting his hands behind his head, relaxing before he continues. )
Rob Diamond: I'm sure all of you are just sitting at home trying to pick your mouths up off the floor after that awesome performance. You can go right ahead and thank three years of acting class for that ladies and gentlemen, but if I could just be serious for a moment. Jack, you've done nothing but whine and cry every single day you've been champion. You've been begging nCw to bring you a real challenger and not those "everyman" they've been throwing your way. Well look no further Jack, because I want that title more than X wants to nail your wife. Just be careful what you wish for mate.
As for Shaddix. Kid I've got nothing to say to you. Your a complete and utter joke. I'm still amazed you beat Night Blade. Honestly, the dude is 100 times better than you will ever be, but hey, thats why we call it dumb luck. But Sunday, it ain't gonna be your day kid, better luck next time.
And Xavier. Man, it's been real fun proving you wrong at every single turn, just please don't be like the black fire fighters from my home state of Connecticut and try to sue Leonard Fox after I win the X-Division title, claiming the match was racially biased because no black man can resist the temptation of hundreds of fat ugly white women, sweating and eating all in one place together, sort of like a herd of cattle. But it won't be biased, unless of course you mean the match being biased towards the all around better wrestler, which would of course be me. Then maybe you'd have a case. But just do me a favor and keep color out of this. Okay?
( Fade to black on the smug face of Rob Diamond. )
Rob Diamond: Hello and good evening. If you were listening to my scene description guy then you already know what I got planned for you folks at home. And let me just say before I start that I carefully researched all my opponents to make sure I caught the essence of not only their characters but their very souls. I want to make sure my impressions of them are as close to realistic as one can possibly get. It is my intention that you will get lost in my performance and believe me to be the men I am portraying. Hopefully my opponents appreciate what I'm doing and use the extra time I'm giving them, by cutting their promos for them, to train so more before the big match.
( Mr. Diamond reaches behind the couch and slaps on what I'm going to assume is his custom made "The Shadow Master" Shaddix mask. He turns and faces the camera, now wearing the mask. )
Shaddix: This weekend I FINALLY get the shot I EARNED at the X-Division Championship. I have gone through bars, drunken women, red neck men, police officers, FBI agents and crooked morticians to get to this point and no WRESTLER is going to stop me. Have you been watching me, huh? Have you seen the things I've done to get this chance? I've beaten up people randomly in promos, I've ridden on motorcycles with strange men who looked something like this...
Shaddix: What makes you think I'm not prepared to beat you three guys and take that title which should already be around my waist? I mean, just because I left for a little while to cry about my boyfriend getting gunned down in cold blood during a police chase, doesn't mean I'm not ready to wrestle in this match which has nothing to do with anything I've been doing. Do you know how fast and how smart you have to be to hide from the police on NATIONAL TV every week? It's a wonder these guys even have jobs. By the way, thats totally just a lingering story thread that I'm never going to tie up. Just so you know... Wait... OH MY FRIGGIN GOD!!!!
( From somewhere off screen we hear a guy go "BLAM! BLAM!" )
Shaddix: NOOOOOO!!!!!! MY UNCLE LESTER!!!! YOU KILLED HIM YOU BASTARDS!!! They found him, how the hell did they find him? YOU GOD DARN LIBYANS!!!! IT WAS HIS PLUTONIUM!!!!!
( Shaddix clears his throat. )
Shaddix: Yeah, so that title is totally coming home to the shadows with the master of shadows, me.
( Rob removes the mask and straightens his hair out. )
Rob Diamond: Now if you liked that, your gonna love this.
( Again Rob turns around and slides a mask on, this one of the lovable Hamster, Jack Hammond. )
The Hamster: Now unlike some of my opponents I'm not going to sit here and just say god awful stuff about them. I like to think I don't have too, mostly because I can't really think of anything original to say.
( He waves his arms disarmingly like he does in EVERY single promo. )
The Hamster: So I see myself with a couple of options. One, I let my wife bang Nelly Angel.
( The Hamster blushes a little, surprised that the thought of Nelly Angel banging his wife gave him wood. )
The Hamster: Or I could sit here and talk about whatever car I'm driving right now, perhaps discuss with the viewers at home some of the mechanical troubles I'm having with her, but then again that isn't exactly fun and fails to really get the point across that I use muscle cars to over compensate for the little muscle in my pants.
( The Hamster feels for his balls, only to remember he left them firmly in his wife's hands, who by the way is a master at juggling several objects in and around her mouth. )
The Hamster: And finally I could sit back and give you a plethora of reasons why I should not only not win this match, but why I should not win any match, and most nights I heavily contemplate going back to my hotel and pulling a Chris Benoit, sans the wife and kid, and just skip ahead to the good part where I kill myself, because underneath this cheeky grin is a truly depressed individual who only finds solace in self depreciation and allot of alcohol.
( The Hamster starts wrapping wire around his neck before stopping. )
The Hamster: But as fun as all of that sounds I think I'd rather just say some stupid stuff that means nothing to pretty much everyone and hope to god that some how I can not lose long enough to steal another victory while no one is looking.
( The Hamster shrugs while ducking a battle axe someone throws at him from off camera. )
The Hamster: Funny guys... So where were we? Oh, Nelly Angel is totally hot, my penis is totally not there, big cars are cool, shiny belts are neat, and I think suicide is the only way out.
( Rob quickly removes the mask and throws it off to the side. )
Rob Diamond: I think I lost myself in that one for a moment... Phew... How does that guy go ten seconds without putting a bullet through his skull? He reminds me of the Ace but with allot more talent and generally interesting things to say. Now who's left on my list... Ah yes. Xavier Williams.
( For the final time Rob reaches behind the couch and grabs a mask. )
X: There's been allot of rumors flying around nCw that I'm not exactly as good as I used to be, well guess what nCw, I don't like rumors and I just might have to car jack yo teeth into the back of your throat.
I don't like rumors. Rumors lead to here-say, here-say leads to speculation, and we all know that speculation is the tool of the white cracka devil to make all ya'll believe that Xavier isn't ass good as he used to be.
I don't know where you get your 411 dawgs but let the blackest world champion ever lay it down for you like this. Just because I lose 9.5 out of every 10 matches I'm in doesn't mean I've lost anything.
Just because most wrestlers can beat me like I'm in chains and my name is Kunta Kinte doesn't mean a damn thing. I'm still as good as I ever was. I'm still nailing four to five fat white chicks a night. I'm still jacking car stereos in thirty seconds or less. I'm still beating down the white devil with all my mans and them every chance I get.
And as far as this racism stuff goes yo, just because my latest t-shirt says "death to the white man" and "die cracka die" on the back, don't be meaning nuffin but a muffin and some corn with some stuffin playa. I'm black, and according to porno I'm hung like a horse, and because I got rich black men supporting me I can say and do whatever I want, because if you even try to make me out to be what I really am, Jesse Jackson will sue your ass for racial discrimination so damn fast that your swastika will spin.
So all you really got to know is, I'm a racist, but because I'm black you can't say nuffin but a muffin about it dawg. But because I hate crackas I'm gonna say you hate black people, without any reasonable logic to back it up. So why don't you suck on a cracka jack and don't come back no more no more. NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT!?
Sucka.
( Rob peels the last mask off, brushes himself off, then leans back in the couch, putting his hands behind his head, relaxing before he continues. )
Rob Diamond: I'm sure all of you are just sitting at home trying to pick your mouths up off the floor after that awesome performance. You can go right ahead and thank three years of acting class for that ladies and gentlemen, but if I could just be serious for a moment. Jack, you've done nothing but whine and cry every single day you've been champion. You've been begging nCw to bring you a real challenger and not those "everyman" they've been throwing your way. Well look no further Jack, because I want that title more than X wants to nail your wife. Just be careful what you wish for mate.
As for Shaddix. Kid I've got nothing to say to you. Your a complete and utter joke. I'm still amazed you beat Night Blade. Honestly, the dude is 100 times better than you will ever be, but hey, thats why we call it dumb luck. But Sunday, it ain't gonna be your day kid, better luck next time.
And Xavier. Man, it's been real fun proving you wrong at every single turn, just please don't be like the black fire fighters from my home state of Connecticut and try to sue Leonard Fox after I win the X-Division title, claiming the match was racially biased because no black man can resist the temptation of hundreds of fat ugly white women, sweating and eating all in one place together, sort of like a herd of cattle. But it won't be biased, unless of course you mean the match being biased towards the all around better wrestler, which would of course be me. Then maybe you'd have a case. But just do me a favor and keep color out of this. Okay?
( Fade to black on the smug face of Rob Diamond. )