Post by Jabari Woodhead on Jul 5, 2009 3:16:20 GMT -6
*The scene enters in with Fergus and Monty sitting in the waiting room of a large hospital*
Fergus: I hope this kid isn't mine.
Monty: I know.
Fergus: You know I don't even remember having sex with her. I wonder if it didn't even happen.
Monty: That is possible. What did you drink that night?
Fergus: I drank a lot of whiskey. She drank all the beer.
Monty: Dude. I don't think you had sex with her at all.
Fergus: Really?
Monty: Yeah. You had too much whiskey which would give you whiskey dick.
Fergus: What does whiskey dick do?
Monty: It makes it impossible to get up.
Fergus: So too much whiskey has the same effect on dicks as pictures of Jason's mom.
Monty: Precisely, although his grandma is a babe.
Fergus: True that. I would do unspeakable things to that.
Monty: Me too...well if I wasn't married.
Fergus: Yeah. I hope she passes this baby like a giant kidney stone. I hope it tears her stupid ass wide ****ing open.
Monty: Why?
Fergus: Because she is trying to drag the good name of Fergus Callaghan through the mud. You know she just wants me around for my money and fame.
Monty: Yeah. Well when the fame comes.
Fergus: Yeah. I know I haven't done anything yet but hopefully I can really make a name for myself against Jason.
Monty: Yeah. I'm sure you will do fine. I mean here are the guys he has beaten to either win the title or lose the title. His first win came against Vertigo Dirtmurder.
Fergus: Ah Yes. VD.
*Monty starts to laugh*
Fergus: Come on Monty. VD isn't that funny. In fact VD is really itchy and it burns like hell. I figured it out.
Monty: Figured what out?
Fergus: I figured out why Jason is so angry all of a sudden. He must have had the vd under control but ran out of cream because he was spending all of his money on steroids and hookers.
Monty: Don't forget the blow. I'm sure Jason is in his hotel room right now doing blow off a hooker’s ass.
Fergus: Yeah. You know what the difference between Jason and a drug dealer is right?
Monty: No.
Fergus: Jason can clean his crack and sell it again.
*Both men start to laugh.*
Fergus: I'm proud of Jason for being able to beat a purple haired freak for the Xtreme title. What did he do after he beat VD?
Monty: He lost to Dark Prophet.
Fergus: That can't help anyone’s career. I mean from what I hear Joe hasn't been the same since losing to DP in some really inferior fed.
Monty: New Millennium Wrestling?
Fergus: No. Nothing is that useless. It starts with an "X" or something. I don't know. It's not important. What is important is getting to know the Xtreme Champion Sexy Jason.
Monty: Well actually he faced Jamie Ryan before DP. He went to a no contest with Jamie.
Fergus: Wow and he says I'm inexperienced. What was that Jamie's second or third match?
Monty: Yeah something like that but also remember. Jamie is the son of Legendary Lance Ryan.
Fergus: That is true. I'm sure Jason did something to cheat his way to a win. Like threaten Jamie so that he couldn't win. You know say something like "If you even try to win I'll make sure that someone hooks car batteries up to Lance's nipples and then I'll cut his balls off and feed them to my dog."
Monty: Wow Jason does have some issues.
Fergus: You mean other than the severe substance abuse that he has.
Monty: Yeah. Like the hookers and the blow and the Budweiser.
Fergus: Ugh. What piss beer he drinks. If he wants to be a real man then he should drink Guinness instead of the 3/2 piss water. Jason if you want to get drunk then drink like a real man. Drink Guinness and Jamison Irish whiskey. I bet he drinks that watered down Jack Daniels ****.
Monty: Yeah. I'm sure he does and don't forget about the steroids.
Fergus: Yikes! The Steroids must really be doing a number on your boys. Every time I hear you talk these days Jason it sounds like your voice keeps getting higher and higher. Soon he is going to sound and look like a chipmunk. He will be high pitched and with a lot of nuts in his mouth.
Monty: I don't care who you are that's funny.
Fergus: Yeah I know. To be perfectly honest with you Monty, I am nervous about facing Sexy Jason. This is the first PPV I will ever be on.
Monty: Come on Fergus. I'm sure you will do fine. Just remember. Your kids will be watching you and I'm sure whether you win or lose that they will still be proud of you.
Fergus: Thanks Monty. That means a lot coming from you.
Monty: You are welcome.
Tessie: Hi guys.
*Tessie walks up in front of Fergus and Monty*
Fergus: Hey Tessie. What are you doing here?
Tessie: My brother is having his appendix taken out. What about you guys?
Monty: We are waiting for some chick to give birth to a baby. She keeps claiming that the kid is Fergus' but something about the whole thing just doesn't add up.
Tessie: Wow. That's pretty intense. I could go in there with you if you want.
Fergus: That would be nice of you. Thanks Tessie.
Tessie: You are welcome.
*A doctor comes out*
Doctor: Mr. Callaghan. Emerald just gave birth if you want to come in and see the baby.
Fergus: Okay.
*Fergus, Monty and Tessie walk into the room where Emerald is. Sensuous Jim is standing there. A nurse brings in the baby. They baby has large muscles and veins sticking out of his arm. He is wearing a stupid grin just like Jim and is even wearing a baby seal top hat*
Fergus: HA. I knew he wasn't mine.
Emerald: Yeah. You couldn't even get it up. So I just wanted to make you feel like you were any good at anything.
Fergus: I'm good at plenty of stuff. Having sex with hookers just isn't my game. Maybe its Jim's game but it isn't mine.
*The kid looks up at Fergus and utters a few words*
Baby Jim: I'm super buff and I got no stuff
*The baby points at his crotch*
Fergus: Awww. That's so cute. He is just like his Daddy.
Sensuous Jim: What did you say?
Fergus: I said that he has nothing down stairs just like his ****ing old man.
Sensuous Jim: Take it back.
Fergus: Blow me fag boy.
*Jim then takes a swing at Fergus who ducks under the punch. The punch connects with Tessie and knocks her to the ground*
Fergus: TESSIE! Are you okay?
Tessie: Yeah. I'm fine. He hits like a female baby with Down’s syndrome.
Jim: Take that back you slut!
Tessie: Make me.
*Jim then takes another swing at Fergus and this time Fergus ducks it and trips Jim down to his knees. Fergus quickly pulls out a dart gun and puts it up to the back of Jim's head. Monty then pulls out another dart gun and does the same. Tessie lies across Jim's legs to prevent him from moving*
Fergus: And Shepherds we shall be,
Monty: For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Fergus: Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
Monty: Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.
Fergus: So we shall flow a river forth to Thee,
Monty: And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
Fergus: In Nomeni Patri
Monty: Et Fili
Fergus: Spiritus Sancti.
*Both men shoot Jim in the back of his blow up head. His head pops and the rest of his body deflates. Fergus and Monty put there dark guns away and Tessie stands up*
Tessie: I think you boys have watched Boondock Saints too many times.
Fergus: That is a great movie.
Monty: There is no such thing as too many times with that movie.
Tessie: Okay guys take it easy.
*Fergus looks around*
Fergus: Monty, we need to get out of here now if we plan on being to the Pay-Per-View on time.
Monty: Good idea.
*Both men with Tessie leave the room. The screen fades to green. A little picture of Fergus with the Xtreme Title around his waste is shown. Then the words "Now that is Picture Perfect" appears on the screen*
Fergus: I hope this kid isn't mine.
Monty: I know.
Fergus: You know I don't even remember having sex with her. I wonder if it didn't even happen.
Monty: That is possible. What did you drink that night?
Fergus: I drank a lot of whiskey. She drank all the beer.
Monty: Dude. I don't think you had sex with her at all.
Fergus: Really?
Monty: Yeah. You had too much whiskey which would give you whiskey dick.
Fergus: What does whiskey dick do?
Monty: It makes it impossible to get up.
Fergus: So too much whiskey has the same effect on dicks as pictures of Jason's mom.
Monty: Precisely, although his grandma is a babe.
Fergus: True that. I would do unspeakable things to that.
Monty: Me too...well if I wasn't married.
Fergus: Yeah. I hope she passes this baby like a giant kidney stone. I hope it tears her stupid ass wide ****ing open.
Monty: Why?
Fergus: Because she is trying to drag the good name of Fergus Callaghan through the mud. You know she just wants me around for my money and fame.
Monty: Yeah. Well when the fame comes.
Fergus: Yeah. I know I haven't done anything yet but hopefully I can really make a name for myself against Jason.
Monty: Yeah. I'm sure you will do fine. I mean here are the guys he has beaten to either win the title or lose the title. His first win came against Vertigo Dirtmurder.
Fergus: Ah Yes. VD.
*Monty starts to laugh*
Fergus: Come on Monty. VD isn't that funny. In fact VD is really itchy and it burns like hell. I figured it out.
Monty: Figured what out?
Fergus: I figured out why Jason is so angry all of a sudden. He must have had the vd under control but ran out of cream because he was spending all of his money on steroids and hookers.
Monty: Don't forget the blow. I'm sure Jason is in his hotel room right now doing blow off a hooker’s ass.
Fergus: Yeah. You know what the difference between Jason and a drug dealer is right?
Monty: No.
Fergus: Jason can clean his crack and sell it again.
*Both men start to laugh.*
Fergus: I'm proud of Jason for being able to beat a purple haired freak for the Xtreme title. What did he do after he beat VD?
Monty: He lost to Dark Prophet.
Fergus: That can't help anyone’s career. I mean from what I hear Joe hasn't been the same since losing to DP in some really inferior fed.
Monty: New Millennium Wrestling?
Fergus: No. Nothing is that useless. It starts with an "X" or something. I don't know. It's not important. What is important is getting to know the Xtreme Champion Sexy Jason.
Monty: Well actually he faced Jamie Ryan before DP. He went to a no contest with Jamie.
Fergus: Wow and he says I'm inexperienced. What was that Jamie's second or third match?
Monty: Yeah something like that but also remember. Jamie is the son of Legendary Lance Ryan.
Fergus: That is true. I'm sure Jason did something to cheat his way to a win. Like threaten Jamie so that he couldn't win. You know say something like "If you even try to win I'll make sure that someone hooks car batteries up to Lance's nipples and then I'll cut his balls off and feed them to my dog."
Monty: Wow Jason does have some issues.
Fergus: You mean other than the severe substance abuse that he has.
Monty: Yeah. Like the hookers and the blow and the Budweiser.
Fergus: Ugh. What piss beer he drinks. If he wants to be a real man then he should drink Guinness instead of the 3/2 piss water. Jason if you want to get drunk then drink like a real man. Drink Guinness and Jamison Irish whiskey. I bet he drinks that watered down Jack Daniels ****.
Monty: Yeah. I'm sure he does and don't forget about the steroids.
Fergus: Yikes! The Steroids must really be doing a number on your boys. Every time I hear you talk these days Jason it sounds like your voice keeps getting higher and higher. Soon he is going to sound and look like a chipmunk. He will be high pitched and with a lot of nuts in his mouth.
Monty: I don't care who you are that's funny.
Fergus: Yeah I know. To be perfectly honest with you Monty, I am nervous about facing Sexy Jason. This is the first PPV I will ever be on.
Monty: Come on Fergus. I'm sure you will do fine. Just remember. Your kids will be watching you and I'm sure whether you win or lose that they will still be proud of you.
Fergus: Thanks Monty. That means a lot coming from you.
Monty: You are welcome.
Tessie: Hi guys.
*Tessie walks up in front of Fergus and Monty*
Fergus: Hey Tessie. What are you doing here?
Tessie: My brother is having his appendix taken out. What about you guys?
Monty: We are waiting for some chick to give birth to a baby. She keeps claiming that the kid is Fergus' but something about the whole thing just doesn't add up.
Tessie: Wow. That's pretty intense. I could go in there with you if you want.
Fergus: That would be nice of you. Thanks Tessie.
Tessie: You are welcome.
*A doctor comes out*
Doctor: Mr. Callaghan. Emerald just gave birth if you want to come in and see the baby.
Fergus: Okay.
*Fergus, Monty and Tessie walk into the room where Emerald is. Sensuous Jim is standing there. A nurse brings in the baby. They baby has large muscles and veins sticking out of his arm. He is wearing a stupid grin just like Jim and is even wearing a baby seal top hat*
Fergus: HA. I knew he wasn't mine.
Emerald: Yeah. You couldn't even get it up. So I just wanted to make you feel like you were any good at anything.
Fergus: I'm good at plenty of stuff. Having sex with hookers just isn't my game. Maybe its Jim's game but it isn't mine.
*The kid looks up at Fergus and utters a few words*
Baby Jim: I'm super buff and I got no stuff
*The baby points at his crotch*
Fergus: Awww. That's so cute. He is just like his Daddy.
Sensuous Jim: What did you say?
Fergus: I said that he has nothing down stairs just like his ****ing old man.
Sensuous Jim: Take it back.
Fergus: Blow me fag boy.
*Jim then takes a swing at Fergus who ducks under the punch. The punch connects with Tessie and knocks her to the ground*
Fergus: TESSIE! Are you okay?
Tessie: Yeah. I'm fine. He hits like a female baby with Down’s syndrome.
Jim: Take that back you slut!
Tessie: Make me.
*Jim then takes another swing at Fergus and this time Fergus ducks it and trips Jim down to his knees. Fergus quickly pulls out a dart gun and puts it up to the back of Jim's head. Monty then pulls out another dart gun and does the same. Tessie lies across Jim's legs to prevent him from moving*
Fergus: And Shepherds we shall be,
Monty: For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Fergus: Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
Monty: Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.
Fergus: So we shall flow a river forth to Thee,
Monty: And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
Fergus: In Nomeni Patri
Monty: Et Fili
Fergus: Spiritus Sancti.
*Both men shoot Jim in the back of his blow up head. His head pops and the rest of his body deflates. Fergus and Monty put there dark guns away and Tessie stands up*
Tessie: I think you boys have watched Boondock Saints too many times.
Fergus: That is a great movie.
Monty: There is no such thing as too many times with that movie.
Tessie: Okay guys take it easy.
*Fergus looks around*
Fergus: Monty, we need to get out of here now if we plan on being to the Pay-Per-View on time.
Monty: Good idea.
*Both men with Tessie leave the room. The screen fades to green. A little picture of Fergus with the Xtreme Title around his waste is shown. Then the words "Now that is Picture Perfect" appears on the screen*