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Post by adm on Mar 11, 2009 11:04:29 GMT -6
As Diamond said that's pretty much the only thing I have to say. There was, literally, only one piece of scene description followed by a long block of talk with paragraph breaks. It just gets hard on the eyes seeing all that colored text lined up like that, without knowing what the hell Jason is doing.
Other than that, it was very good, considering you talked about the match and the storylines and character arcs you've been going through. The lack in description could hurt you when it comes time to be judged. And yeah, I'm not doing the essays for my health, they are there so everyone from the newer people like Shaddix and Kruger to vets can see where they may or may not need improvement on their rps...nobody's perfect, I just have read a LOT of rps in 8 years and am trying to pass on that without making you read hundreds of pages of rps...just a few pages of essay.
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Post by msjsn3 on Apr 4, 2009 10:48:39 GMT -6
Destruction is at hand is posted.
I would love to hear you comments on this one. I know I left out telling you what happen at the beginning...I planed it that way
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The Ace
Full Member
2008 nCw Road To The Gold Champion
Posts: 675
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Post by The Ace on Apr 4, 2009 12:13:59 GMT -6
nice rp, but a bit short, probably because mine are monsters, again I would stress grammar isnt just an old lady who sits in the corner, if you know what I mean...
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Post by Maniac on Apr 4, 2009 13:48:52 GMT -6
Quality over quantity.
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Post by adm on Apr 6, 2009 20:26:28 GMT -6
First thing's first, this rp is so much better than your old stuff you better keep it up.
2nd, I was going to do a song-based rp for an upcoming essay but...maybe I'll do the quality/quantity one first now.
Ok, on to criticisms to help you improve cuz I know you wanted me to go over it tough cuz I know you wanted improvement help so here it is. Early in the rp your descriptions are both short and somewhat grammatically incorrect or could be "cleaner", it's more of my own personal thing about past/present tense, where you make it sound like he was lying down, but now he's doing something else you didn't describe. But that's more a personal thing.
Other than that I need to see more than one rp in this current format to fully see where it will go, so hopefully this little bit of feedback helps give you something to keep working on.
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Rob Diamond
Junior Member
I'm not a born leader... I'm a tough act to follow...
Posts: 340
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Post by Rob Diamond on Apr 6, 2009 21:10:27 GMT -6
I'm gonna agree with Bates on both, this is allot better than most of your other role plays, and some of your descriptions could use a little work. Don't be afraid to go into detail, see, when I say quality over quantity, I don't mean go out of your way to shorten an rp, I mean, don't have length in mind at all, don't check the scroll bar. But if your writing a description, don't be afraid to really give us a full blown scene.
I liked this rp allot, its a step in the righ direction Jason, and if you keep this up then your definitely going to get right back in the World title hunt.
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Post by Cyrus Daniels on Apr 7, 2009 4:10:54 GMT -6
Not if I have anything to say sbout it - hahaha
Awesome RP dudeman...
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Post by msjsn3 on Apr 7, 2009 5:04:16 GMT -6
Thanks for the feedback ... ....
Greatly appreciated
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Post by msjsn3 on Apr 9, 2009 7:32:22 GMT -6
Just doing my job is posted....Feedback is welcome
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Post by Cyrus Daniels on Apr 9, 2009 12:28:26 GMT -6
Wow, as I told you on AIM, I'm amazed by your improvement. Keep it up, glad I could help.
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Post by msjsn3 on Apr 21, 2009 3:34:51 GMT -6
PRICELESS is posted....Comments please
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Post by adm on Apr 21, 2009 12:25:16 GMT -6
it's a great rp, keep it up. BTW, I like the angle with the new woman it really adds to the confusion DD Will get in this match.
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Post by adm on Apr 23, 2009 16:28:57 GMT -6
I know you tried telling me I blew you out of the water, but your rp is still really good, structurally speaking. There's a few punctuation things I'd like to do, with the way you did the PRICELESS and NOTHING and RIGHT, etc...it'd be nice to get a comma or semicolon before them, so it's like: then all you heard was “CLICK” Sexy Jason facial expression was, PRICELESS. Cuz that gives the brain an indication of a slight pause...enhancing the one word. Also make sure you've got every sentence beginning with capitals.
But that's the only feedback I can really give you right now, so keep double-checking your work for those gramarical things and keep the good CD and content and you'll kick some serious ass.
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Post by msjsn3 on Apr 24, 2009 13:07:47 GMT -6
A Nice Dinner is posted. Comments are always welcome.
By the way Bates....thanks for the comments...just seen it so....I have to apply on next rp.
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Post by adm on Apr 24, 2009 13:37:02 GMT -6
it was another good one. The only criticisms I have is stuff I've said in the previous posts and on AIM about double-checking to see if you got the right suffix on some words. Good points, I love where this Jade thing is going, and the things you say bout Hammer and DD are great, as well as some stuff about Bates Good job
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Post by msjsn3 on Apr 25, 2009 17:39:17 GMT -6
There is Passion,enmity,worship,love....is posted. Comments are always welcome.
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Post by adm on Apr 25, 2009 19:21:44 GMT -6
it was a nother good one with a few errors we talked about on AIM.
Even word processors aren't perfect.
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Post by msjsn3 on Apr 27, 2009 13:59:46 GMT -6
Betrayal, Trust, and Livid is posted. Defintely need feedback on this one....
First time of actually rping as a woman....Thanks
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Post by adm on Apr 27, 2009 15:34:43 GMT -6
Definitely a great rp. You showed me it in AIM and I gave you a few points of feedback before you finished. It looks great, hopefully DD obeys the RULES and you can get one up on them this time.
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Post by Maniac on Apr 27, 2009 16:30:39 GMT -6
Well Jason my man, that was a fantastic role play. I like the way you go in and out of the character's thoughts through out the role play, it adds a nice touch and a little more feeling to them. I look forward to part 2.
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Post by Ron Gibson on Apr 27, 2009 19:00:47 GMT -6
It looks great, hopefully DD obeys the RULES and you can get one up on them this time. Honestly I don't even know where to go with amber rping yet.... so it shall be interesting. I give you props with that though, that was a good rp as jade.
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Post by msjsn3 on Apr 27, 2009 20:43:23 GMT -6
I know exactly what you mean Ron. I had the same problem...where to start and how to start.
Thanks and good luck
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Post by msjsn3 on Apr 30, 2009 14:15:08 GMT -6
What frame of mind was Sexy Jason in? is posted
Try using some humor in this rp...feedback is apprecitated
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Post by adm on Apr 30, 2009 15:50:49 GMT -6
it was another good one, keep it up.
The humor added a little to it...showing some personality to SJ and Jade.
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Post by msjsn3 on May 5, 2009 19:20:08 GMT -6
Victory Kiss is posted. Comments are welcome
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Post by msjsn3 on May 9, 2009 21:15:25 GMT -6
How is it Hanging? Is posted. Comments....
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Post by adm on May 9, 2009 22:13:17 GMT -6
Another good rp...though *puts on Grammar Nazi uniform*
Few punctuations missing at ends of sentences, usually ending paragraphs. Also a few is/are problems...and other stuff...don't rely on Word to fix all of that...re-read it carefully and think if it sounds right in your head /grammar nazi
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Post by msjsn3 on May 13, 2009 11:48:15 GMT -6
Surprise Part 1 is up and ready for your comments. There will be a surprise in Part 2....and you just have to wait and read part 2 to find out the surprise
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Post by msjsn3 on May 15, 2009 19:13:12 GMT -6
Surprise Part 2 is up and I already know that the stupid video is not working pisses me off. It is suppose to be the clock on the show 24 clicking down. So sorry in advance....comments please
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Post by adm on May 16, 2009 12:20:34 GMT -6
Much better than your first one of the week, man. Keep this up, you'll be seeing something come your way soon.
Seroiusly...though...when did you learn to channel me for a couple paragraphs? Maybe beating you so much last year rubbed off...I hope I don't rub off on Rob Diamond or Mark evil...that'd be SCARY
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